Wife and I are starting over, help?

[Scott Grissom]

I also can't help but feel like I'm being perceived

Exactly.

We mean making the price too high for him to want to pursue her. Do not have any sympathy for him - he certainly was not having sympathy for you when he was attacking your marriage and daughter's future.

This can include but is not limited to:
a) (and absolutely essential) telling his wife
b) (absolutely essential) confronting him and letting him know you'll tolerate no fools after your wife
c) exposing to his friends and family
d) putting him up on cheater websites and sending him the link
e) taking out a billboard in his neighborhood with his face and "cheater!" on it

.... some of these were serious; all are if necessary (lol).

You get the idea.....

i will pass on these tactics.

 

[Endeavourer]

Note the current thread of another poster who was in the position of having an emotional affair. She is still dealing with the guilt, but the relationship did not get physical, and apparently not even really overtly sexual.

Great tip for Scott.

Scott's wife does not sound much like the remorseful woman in the referenced thread.

 

[tall73]

What is the concern with the blameshifting?

Someone who is repentant doesn't need to minimize what they have done by putting further blame on someone else.

Now when she said that there was a lack of closeness lately, that may be a legitimate statement, and one you agreed with. I would think that is legitimate. You both agree you need more time together.

If she talks about trust issues with you when you have not broken any trust and she obviously has, then that is concerning.

Some of this may not be an issue of confronting her constantly. Part of it may simply be watching to see the fruit of repentance. Someone who is repentant shows it by their actions. Someone who is changing their inner self shows such by their outer ways.

If she is sarcastic or resentful if you raised that issue, it makes one wonder why. It should be obvious to anyone who was carrying out an inappropriate relationship largely by phone why you would want to make sure that is not continuing.

 

[Scott Grissom]

Well we leave for Vegas tomorrow so that's 3 hours in a car together. Please pray that the time spent is positive going, staying and returning. What can I do in the meantime to set up for that time tomorrow?

 

[Endeavourer]

i will pass on these tactics.

Not telling his wife is a serious mistake that will come back to haunt you.

She is in the best position to watch over him to make sure he stops reaching out to your wife.

Plus, it's the right thing to do. How would you like it if his wife caught them but didn't tell you, and the affair continued on until your family was destroyed?

 

[tall73]

Well we leave for Vegas tomorrow so that's 3 hours in a car together. Please pray that the time spent is positive going, staying and returning. What can I do in the meantime to set up for that time tomorrow?

Will pray for you both.

I am not sure there is a lot I would do apart from prayer. She expressed reluctance about going. Did she say why?

 

[tall73]

Not telling his wife is a serious mistake that will come back to haunt you.

She is in the best position to watch over him to make sure he stops reaching out to your wife.

Plus, it's the right thing to do. How would you like it if his wife caught them but didn't tell you, and the affair continued on until your family was destroyed?

I guess I missed a post, is the other guy married?

 

[Endeavourer]

Well we leave for Vegas tomorrow so that's 3 hours in a car together. Please pray that the time spent is positive going, staying and returning. What can I do in the meantime to set up for that time tomorrow?

I'd strongly recommend compartmentalizing your pursuit (wooing) of her and the business of dealing with the affair.

This is why it's SO important to get the full truth out asap so you can put that behind, never speak of it again and pivot to building the relationship without further trickle truthing.

On your drive and vacation, focus on meeting her emotional needs of intimate conversation (topics of the affair or the other guy are off limits), recreational companionship and building connections with each other.

 

[Scott Grissom]

Will pray for you both.

I am not sure there is a lot I would do apart from prayer. She expressed reluctance about going. Did she say why?

Yeah she said "what if we go and I don't feel like doing anything and I'm in a mood like today, what if I just want to stay on the bed or want to go home early" she doesn't want to be a buzzkill basically. I told her we could do whatever, just spend time together. She said okay, but she was still a little concerned about that. She also mentioned not wanting us to sleep in The same bed. Right now we are sleeping separately.

 

[Scott Grissom]

I'd strongly recommend compartmentalizing your pursuit (wooing) of her and the business of dealing with the affair.

This is why it's SO important to get the full truth out asap so you can put that behind, never speak of it again and pivot to building the relationship without further trickle truthing.

On your drive and vacation, focus on meeting her emotional needs of intimate conversation (topics of the affair or the other guy are off limits), recreational companionship and building connections with each other.

I agree. And what if there truly was no physical affair, and she truly is not in contact with him?

I fear for a deafening silence on the drive. Hopefully can make some conversation and she's open to it. Get us her favorite breakfast and maybe a Starbucks will hopefully relax the tension.

 

[Endeavourer]

She also mentioned not wanting us to sleep in The same bed. Right now we are sleeping separately.

The desire for a separate bed is often indicative of a woman not wanting to "cheat" on her affair partner.

 

[unfinishedclay]

Not telling his wife is a serious mistake that will come back to haunt you.

He's married??

 

[tall73]

Yeah she said "what if we go and I don't feel like doing anything and I'm in a mood like today, what if I just want to stay on the bed or want to go home early" she doesn't want to be a buzzkill basically.

So this was planned for a while? Or was this something planned afterward to work on things?

I told her we could do whatever, just spend time together.

Makes sense.

She also mentioned not wanting us to sleep in The same bed. Right now we are sleeping separately.

This part makes less sense. Did she say whether she got this idea from somewhere or was basing it on something?

 

[Endeavourer]

I agree. And what if there truly was no physical affair, and she truly is not in contact with him?

Your healing will begin when you know that for sure.

I'm sorry to say that the indications are that she is deeper into this affair than she is admitting.

The plan I mentioned has a procedure to flush out the truth, close the door on it and move on to the business of building your marriage into a better relationship than it was before.

 

[tall73]

Your healing will begin when you know that for sure.

I'm sorry to say that the indications are that she is deeper into this affair than she is admitting.

The plan I mentioned has a procedure to flush out the truth, close the door on it and move on to the business of building your marriage into a better relationship than it was before.

I don't suppose you could just post that part here for him? This is starting to sound like a commercial for Dr. whoever.

This guy has a lot on his plate.

 

[Scott Grissom]

He's married??

No, that post confused me too

 

[Endeavourer]

I don't suppose you could just post that part here for him? This is starting to sound like a commercial for Dr. whoever.

This guy has a lot on his plate.

Yes, I'm aware that I'm very enthusiastic about Dr. whoever. It's because when I learned of his advise for my situation, I resisted it for years until out of desperation when there was almost nothing left of me, I finally took it. It worked exactly as he said it would. In retrospect, I could see it was the only solution that could have possibly worked.

Studying out his research and methods became a passion of mine. I had to understand the how/why etc etc. I also had to understand how they matched up with Scripture. Once I realized "if this is the answer, then how is it Scriptural?" I experienced a life changing epiphany when realizing the full counsel of Scripture applied to marriages, not just the love/respect verses.

I've been following his forums for years and can see that his advice, when applied, is literally **always** the right solution. It's uncanny, but then it's based on years and years of research on marital behavior, and more importantly, as I better understand now, on the full counsel of Scripture.

I'll post the information separately, in a moment.

 

[Scott Grissom]

So this was planned for a while? Or was this something planned afterward to work on things?



Makes sense.



This part makes less sense. Did she say whether she got this idea from somewhere or was basing it on something?

This was planned for a while. Before all this. And she wants to sleep separately for her space and because she doesn't want us to get comfortable and slide back into our old routine. She's given me no indication of how long this would last. She empathized that she knows it's difficult for me.

I feel like she's very emotional and confused and unsure about what to do and what will work.

 

[Scott Grissom]

I don't suppose you could just post that part here for him? This is starting to sound like a commercial for Dr. whoever.

This guy has a lot on his plate.

Yeah this really sounds like you have stock in this guy. I'm not interested.

 

[Endeavourer]

Yeah this really sounds like you have stock in this guy. I'm not interested.

OK. Fair enough.

I hope you enjoy your trip, and wish you the best in your future.