Wife and I are starting over, help?

[Scott Grissom]

Today has been better, her attitude wise, our conversation. I asked to see her phone, she willingly gave it to me.l with no hesitation. I went through it and found nothing. She asked me what I was doing and I told her I was going through her phone and she was like why didn't you say that's why you needed my phone? And I told her it didn't matter really, she broke the trust and this is what I needed to put another brick in the wall of my trust in her. I told her she was protective of her phone at a point so why would I tell you I'm going to go through it? She told me she would have fathered I just tell her that I want to go through it. She asked me if I found anything and I said no and she said there's nothing she's hiding.

I looked in her contacts, I typed in the guys number to see if it was hidden under another name like "mom" or something, nothing. I looked to see if she was texting him, called him, any pictures etc. nothing.

I told my wife I'm not going to be in a relationship that I constantly have to dig thru your phone. I told her this is what I needed to move past this suspicion she created in my mind. I told her when we're apart of when her phone is locked and she's asleep the enemy is telling me that you're up to something in your phone. I told her she needs to understand she created this mistrust by talking to another guy and catching feelings. I did tell her I'm not going to be snooping in her phone everyday and doing all that because I refuse to, but if the trust is broken again she is resetting us to the start.

She understood but she's still being a little sarcastic in some responses which irritates me. i.e. I told her I'm not going to snoop in her phone every day and she said "oh we know that"

She said what about her trust of me, and I said huh? I didn't break your trust. You can trust me. I feel she was just trying to spin this on to me.

 

[Scott Grissom]

I'm not going through her phone again though. Because if I want any hope of us having trust again that's not a habit I want to pick up.

 

[Endeavourer]

But if we follow your method, we would never know if the wife is seeking affairs because we would be taking out the men and become social media detectives. We would be in constant fear of this happening again and then the blame falls on me.....since it will be my new job to make sure affairs dont happen.

The wife should decide on her own to stop. Any other way will end in failure or a life of worrying. We are good enough men to deserve a woman who wants us and no one else....a woman who social media we never need to check, whose phone we never need to look at. Only God can give us this woman or turn the wife we now have, into her....

He should have a peace that passes all understanding......not become a paranoid, worrying, guy chase away-er. This is a life I would wish on no one.

How did that work out for him Raymond?

His wife is in the throes of an addiction which will destroy his marriage and family.

God gave Scott a brain, the testosterone to protect his family and the ability to create and follow a strategy. God did not doom him to helplessly watch his family be destroyed by the abomination of adultery.

No one said for Scott take out the other man in a physical (or criminal) way. Scott needs to make the other guy understand that hitting one Scott's wife will cause him WAAAAAY too much trouble so the other man will feel a strong desire to forsake his pursuit of her.

 

[RaymondG]

How did that work out for him Raymond?

His wife is in the throes of an addiction which will destroy his marriage and family.

God gave Scott a brain, the testosterone to protect his family and the ability to create and follow a strategy. God did not doom him to helplessly watch his family be destroyed by the abomination of adultery.

No one said for Scott take out the other man in a physical (or criminal) way. Scott needs to make the other guy understand that hitting one Scott's wife will cause him WAAAAAY too much trouble so the other man will feel a strong desire to forsake his pursuit of her.

I think you guys are closer in age....You can relate more to him. No one needs the opinion of the older man with experience anymore. I say he should go with your plan...and it looks like he is already.

 

[Endeavourer]

She understood but she's still being a little sarcastic in some responses which irritates me. i.e. I told her I'm not going to snoop in her phone every day and she said "oh we know that"

She said what about her trust of me, and I said huh? I didn't break your trust. You can trust me. I feel she was just trying to spin this on to me.

Scott, from the bottom of my heart, I'm telling you that you aren't done with this yet if you want to avoid this affair spiraling out of control, or more discovery days (d-days) in the future.

This is screaming out at you that she's still in contact.

You need to take some very specific actions if you want to stop this affair, recover from it and not re-encounter it.

I have **just a little** experience with how well hidden communications can be. You are giving away your strategy by allowing her to know what you are monitoring.

 

[Scott Grissom]

I think you guys are closer in age....You can relate more to him. No one needs the opinion of the older man with experience anymore. I say he should go with your plan...and it looks like he is already.

Raymond,

No actually I'm not going that path at all. I went through her phone and that's it. Up until his point I've not snooped I've trusted her. And I will continue to from this point forward because I agree, I'm not going to create that toxicity of mistrust. I'm not about to run down all these paths of stalking my wife. If she screws up, God will deal with her. My job is to love my wife and be patient. And seek time together.

 

[Scott Grissom]

Scott, from the bottom of my heart, I'm telling you that you aren't done with this yet if you want to avoid this affair spiraling out of control, or more discovery days (d-days) in the future.

This is screaming out at you that she's still in contact.

You need to take some very specific actions if you want to stop this affair, recover from it and not re-encounter it.

I have **just a little** experience with how well hidden communications can be. You are giving away your strategy by allowing her to know what you are monitoring.

Endeavorer,

Your advice is driven by fear and that's the problem with it. You haven't allowed at all for God in the situation. You've only allowed for me to control everything. That's why I'm not going through the checklist. I want trust restored and I have to demonstrate that, if she's acting out of line God will handle her.

I did go through her phone, and I partially regret it because I found nothing. But I hope there's grace reserved for me considering I've never done that before, and considering she's created the circumstance for me to need to do that. She understands. Might not like it but she really can't be mad or upset. I didn't change her password or add my fingerprint or put trackers and a bunch of crap like that on her phone. I just asked for it, looked around, told her why I wanted it and gave it back.

 

[tall73]

If he really cared and want things to work out.....shouldn't he leave matters in the hands of the man who knows the hearts of all involved? Shouldn't he cast cares on Him and not try to fix things on his own? There is a way that seems right unto man the ends leads to destruction.

Fighting other men.....checking texts this is not the way of marriage. Maybe a mentions of general ages and experience in this subject would also be helpful to the OP.

I did not recommend fighting other men. I recommend accountability when re-building trust. And nothing I said indicated I did not think one should pray, trust in God's leading, allow God to work on both hearts, etc.

However, it is quite clear that someone who is looking outside the marriage for a relationship does need accountability. The pastor of the couple, a Christian counselor, etc. can also play a role in that.

 

[RaymondG]

I'm not going through her phone again though. Because if I want any hope of us having trust again that's not a habit I want to pick up.

Since you are going the fix-it-yourself route, i will have to agree with @Endeavourer

When a cheater is caught, They become better cheaters. Checking phones will become useless....the smart thing to do is to erase every text right after each conversation. Unfriending on FB does not stop the friend from looking through your wifes page/pictures or her looking through his.....And it does nothing for PM messages. He needs to be blocked. Then and only then.....will you have to only worry about him creating a new page and contacting her in a more discrete manner via FB PMs.

You can think you know her ever whereabouts and what he is doing at work and with her phone...but there is ALWAYS time to cheat. A woman will find a way....whether on lunch break, days they get out early before holidays or vacation etc... There is always time. so get ready to shell out for a private detective as well. Even if you are right about her not cheating physically....which you can never know, emotional cheating has begun.....and that, in my opinion, is worse than physical. For women, the love starts in the mind.....and once it is there, it is hard to get out.....

Work on your mean-mugging face....you will need it to scare away potential guys who will look at your wife. And your threatening skills....some guy you will be able to scare off.....the others....you will need to double your hours at the gym.

again since you are fixing this on your own....I can only offer you luck. And again... God will be standing by....

 

[Endeavourer]

Your advice is driven by fear and that's the problem with it. You haven't allowed at all for God in the situation. You've only allowed for me to control everything. That's why I'm not going through the checklist. I want trust restored and I have to demonstrate that, if she's acting out of line God will handle her.

My advice, sadly, is driven by experience.

Subsequently I've also become very active on Dr. Harley's forums and the OPs who come back with additional d-days are always the ones who take the path you are taking. They fail to realize that an affair is an addiction.

Dr. Harley ran a chain of addiction clinics prior to transitioning to working full time on marriage counseling, so his background and his very in depth research are key factors to the plan he has developed that has helped 10,000's of marriages recover from the devastation of infidelity.

I truly hope your plan works out well for you and your precious daughter.

May God bless you and your family.

 

[tall73]

Raymond,

No actually I'm not going that path at all. I went through her phone and that's it.

Any going through her phone should not be in a secretive manner, but with her consent, given the situation. You need not feel bad about it.

Up until his point I've not snooped I've trusted her. And I will continue to from this point forward because I agree, I'm not going to create that toxicity of mistrust. I'm not about to run down all these paths of stalking my wife. If she screws up, God will deal with her. My job is to love my wife and be patient. And seek time together.

Frankly, I have worked with a number of couples in this situation. Those who are legitimately repentant want accountability and to demonstrate that they are building trust again.

If you want to go the route of verifying nothing, that is up to you of course. if her attitude is that you must do all the work to approach her the right way so she won't want inappropriate advances from other men, and she doesn't show concern for her own behavior, that is a problem.

 

[Goatee]

Actually, do NOT give her space as that just gives her the luxury of time and opportunity for the affair to become more deeply entrenched than it already is.

Instead, run the other guy off, kill the affair and woo her back.

Do not enable her to separate to another place, i.e. do not provide financial support, help her with any moving, etc etc.

You need her to think this through. Don't pressure her. Force will accomplish nothing.

 

[RaymondG]

I did not recommend fighting other men. I recommend accountability when re-building trust. And nothing I said indicated I did not think one should pray, trust in God's leading, allow God to work on both hearts, etc.

However, it is quite clear that someone who is looking outside the marriage for a relationship does need accountability. The pastor of the couple, a Christian counselor, etc. can also play a role in that.

In my experience, there are only two ways. Let God fix it, or try to fix it ourselves. I have no opinion on which he should try. I've tried both...and only the former succeeded. What I tried to do myself for more than a year, took God no time at all. To be fair...I didn't consciously give it to God myself....I just wore myself into the ground so well, that I had nothing left in me.....with my only option being to give up....to let go. But this Man doesnt have to hit rock bottom first...... A smart person learns from and covers up their own mistakes......But a wise man can learn from the mistakes of others......but sometimes experience is the best teacher.

 

[Endeavourer]

Any going through her phone should not be in a secretive manner, but with her consent, given the situation. You need not feel bad about it.

My experience with this was different. This only gave them the ability to know what you were monitoring so it went deeper underground. He was happy to let me look through his phone all I wanted to because it was being kept clean.

My experience made me realize that I'm completely entitled to know for sure, for sure that the time, energy, blood sweat and tears and YEARS of my life are not being stolen by a cheater. I'm entitled to know that I'm not just swinging and swinging my heart into a cheating brick wall.

I have much more of a problem with someone stealing years of your life in a marriage they are not regarding than with someone covertly monitoring a phone, especially the phone of a person who has been already proven that they will cheat on you.

In Dr. Harley's life's work with 10,000's of couples, his experience is that an addict will absolutely take whatever steps needed to hide their addiction from someone who is threatening their fix. This is why he advises covert monitoring until you have watched long enough to be confident contact has stopped. He had seen way too many affairs continue on underground and realized that not advising the betrayed spouse to take this step was irresponsible.

However, the OP has decided to do things a different way, which is his right, so I'll move on out of this thread and not interrupt with my suggestions any further.

 

[Scott Grissom]

I think we got off track. My wife told me about this guy the first time he texted her. She was transparent. This was not something I found out about in that way. And my wife chose to stay, not to leave. She told me her limerance of feelings faded away. I'm not saying she didn't stray, I'm saying I don't believe she's continuing to stray. But I do think she still thinks about him. If that were not so we wouldn't have any issue.

 

[Scott Grissom]

I'm going to let God fix this. I got caught up in the paranoia of her still talking to him and went through her phone. I am going to go back to being patient, loving her, not pressuring her and praying over her and surrendering my marriage. If I take things into my own hands it will spell disaster.

 

[tall73]

In my experience, there are only two ways. Let God fix it, or try to fix it ourselves.

In fairness, that is not all you said.

I've been through something similar, here is what i would like to have done if I was able to go back in time. I would focus on loving myself, knowing that if I couldnt stand to be alone.....no one else would stand to be alone with me as well. I would go to a gym...meet new people, new friends of both sexes. Be happy with the idea of being alone again knowing that if God lets one girl leave me, It is because there is someone better waiting for me. All I need is God....I should be happy with it just being me and Him for a while. If she wants someone else...Im happy for her......and the next Girl who now have the blessing of being my wife.

Yes, we rely on God in all things. On the other hand, simply saying that we are fine if our wife leaves, and we are happy for her (especially with a child involved?) No, I do not believe that.

When you see yourself as the best husband and bedroom dancer in the world.....others will as well...including your current wife.

Others should have no idea of your feelings regarding your "bedroom dancing." And being confident is not the same as letting God.

And unless you think God is going to override his spouse's will, she still has to decide what to do and to repent. And sometimes it may take pointing out spiritual truths in that process.

When you see yourself and a sad case, who no one wants...everyone else will as well including your wife.

All you need to be happy is yourself and God.....when you start being happy alone.....you will have trouble staying alone...because the women will be knocking your door down to be in your happy, self-confident, i-am-the-man, presence.

He doesn't need women knocking down his door. He needs encouragement on working with his wife to rebuild the relationship.

 

[Scott Grissom]

I just really feel like when I do something it either sets us back or puts us forward for just a moment. And I hate that I feel like I'm working to get my wife back. What about my wife working to get us back on track? I'm just so confused and frustrated. We were having a decent day but after the phone thing her demeanor switched up a bit.

She told me last week that I can trust her and that she has integrity, she won't do anything. I'm just really confused. I've really got to give this up to God and stop trying to do things to fix us.

 

[unfinishedclay]

I think you guys are closer in age....You can relate more to him. No one needs the opinion of the older man with experience anymore. I say he should go with your plan...and it looks like he is already.

So, this makes me chuckle. How often do i say this to my 2 grown sons??

As an older woman, i agree he should fight for his wife and family. When thinking about young kids, there's still longterm possibility to consider when fidelity is in question: What kinds of people do we want in our children's lives? Pretty challenging when a parent can no longer control who's around and the type of behavior around that child. Again, this is longterm POSSIBILITY. But when dealing with future-based risks from her previous behavior here, its worth fighting for the family.

I lost track reading in the thread. Has anyone brought to question postpartum depression?

Also, on the online support groups about infidelity, there is a practice identified that many many waywards do during emotional and/or physical affairs. They rewrite the history of their marriage. My husband certainly did. As a betrayed spouse, you find yourself shocked by revelation of feelings and views of the marriage you never knew they had plus shocked by actions they say occurred that really dis not occur in the marriage. It's blameshifting. Just fishing for reasons that can partially point at the betrayed spouse for why the affair took place. And they really do believe it for a while. We say secularly that its psychological. But it really is a spiritual attack. The enemy lies to us all. But only those who love the Truth will not be deceived. Ans that is what Jesus tells us in the four gospels.

Remember always to fight spiritually through any other fight for her. Listen to Christian messages within her ear
shot. Dont suggest she listen with you. Let her overhear good messages: youtube search: Paul Washer on "abstaining from sexual immortality", Paul Washer on "abiding in Christ", Priscilla Shire on "discerning the voice of God", Sandeep Poonen, and Adrian Rogers. Just my suggestions.

I believe this is truly spiritual warfare.

Endeavorer, the link you had shared some time ago has a marriage forum too, i noticed. Marriage builders with its own support group, for which i registered.

 

[Endeavourer]

What kinds of people do we want in our children's lives? Pretty challenging when a parent can no longer control who's around and the type of behavior around that child. Again, this is longterm POSSIBILITY. But when dealing with future-based risks from her previous behavior here, its worth fighting for the family.

Amen!

In a divorce, typically mothers get more of the children's nights than fathers do.

Some lowlife who is willing to pursue a married woman might have have more overnights with Scott's daughter than Scott will.

Perverts/pedophiles are known for targeting women with children.