LinkH

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I don't think I've responsed to this.

I think if I were in that situation, and my wife were a Christian, I'd tell my wife the following. I'd tell my wife what she was experiencing was probably lust. Lust is coveteousness. It doesn't have to be purely sexual.

Did she rush into marriage? Maybe. But you two have made a covenant. People used to get married in arranged marriages without knowing each other. It could work out becuase they realized marriage was a covenant, and the relationship would grow over time.

I would also say I wouldnt' go for the separate bedrooms or not sleeping together. I'd mention I Corinthians 7. Separate bedrooms pushes you apart. You aren't dating and need to start over. You are marrie dand are working on some issues. Married peopel are supposed to have sex. Hormonally, having sex is going to bond you two more than not having sex. Of course, you can say stuff like that gently, but it has to be more about convincing than pressure. She might just have sex outof duty, rather cold sex, and that isn't theobjective. Getting her to rethink her thought process is the objective, and you may need to give her some space. A married person does have a 'duty' to take care of the other spouse in this regard. Her depriving you of sex because she's allowed herself to think about an old boyfriend isnt' fair to you.

See if you can encourage her to care more about pleasing the Lord and also about being a good wive more than getting her emotional desires filled.

You can also assure her that your marriage is not based on a temproary emotional state. If she isn't feeling it, you will still be there for her, but of course you do not want her to act out at all on the lusts, and you don't tolerate adultery, and know that you must be faithful yourself.

Then I'd focus on praying with her about these feelings she's been having for the guy and about the marriage. If you've done anything wrong to her, confess that.
 
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Scott Grissom

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That's tough (actually, a lot of what you've described in this thread is). Praying for you both, and of course, for your marriage.

Yeah it is. It’ll get better once our counseling really kicks up. Thank you for prayers. They make a big difference !
 
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Scott Grissom

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I don't think I've responsed to this.

I think if I were in that situation, and my wife were a Christian, I'd tell my wife the following. I'd tell my wife what she was experiencing was probably lust. Lust is coveteousness. It doesn't have to be purely sexual.

Did she rush into marriage? Maybe. But you two have made a covenant. People used to get married in arranged marriages without knowing each other. It could work out becuase they realized marriage was a covenant, and the relationship would grow over time.

I would also say I wouldnt' go for the separate bedrooms or not sleeping together. I'd mention I Corinthians 7. Separate bedrooms pushes you apart. You aren't dating and need to start over. You are marrie dand are working on some issues. Married peopel are supposed to have sex. Hormonally, having sex is going to bond you two more than not having sex. Of course, you can say stuff like that gently, but it has to be more about convincing than pressure. She might just have sex outof duty, rather cold sex, and that isn't theobjective. Getting her to rethink her thought process is the objective, and you may need to give her some space. A married person does have a 'duty' to take care of the other spouse in this regard. Her depriving you of sex because she's allowed herself to think about an old boyfriend isnt' fair to you.

See if you can encourage her to care more about pleasing the Lord and also about being a good wive more than getting her emotional desires filled.

You can also assure her that your marriage is not based on a temproary emotional state. If she isn't feeling it, you will still be there for her, but of course you do not want her to act out at all on the lusts, and you don't tolerate adultery, and know that you must be faithful yourself.

Then I'd focus on praying with her about these feelings she's been having for the guy and about the marriage. If you've done anything wrong to her, confess that.

I totally agree. We are back to sleeping in the same bed now, but overall affection is not there anymore, from I love you to holding hands touching and kissing and of course, sex. None of that is happening and it’s kind of killing me but I’m fearing we get used to this. I don’t know why we aren’t affectionate and why she hasn’t said I love you. That needs to be my next question. Because that must come back.
 
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Endeavourer

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I don’t know why we aren’t affectionate and why she hasn’t said I love you. That needs to be my next question. Because that must come back.

Scott, you already know why.

As she has been throughout this thread, your wife is exhibiting classic behavior for a woman who is still in contact with her affair partner.

"There is nothing new under the sun" and there is a predictable script and pattern of behavior of people in affairs. It seems they all study the same textbook.

After you dismissed my pointing out the obvious (that they would maintain contact if you didn't kill the affair), you report that -no surprise - there IS still in contact with her affair partner and you experienced another discovery day.

Until you kill the affair, welcome to your future (full of D-Days), and 2 am secret conversations (except they will become even sneakier, going better underground every time you catch them).

Your wife is addicted to her affair partner and addictions don't just go away if someone else hopes enough.

When you're interested in killing the affair, let me know and I'll refer you to the free resources of the top Christian infidelity expert in the country describing a very narrow path his research has indicated a married couple must follow in order to successfully recover a marriage after an affair. It's not an easy path and it's going to take a lot more work than you've indicated you have the gumption for, so you'll need to decide if want to keep catching your wife in contact with her affair partner, if you want out of the marriage or if you are ready to get busy recovering your marriage.

I've been a lay person volunteer on his forum for several years and the pattern is so predictable that when betrayed spouses just want to bury their head in the sand and pray, we just want to cry because we KNOW what's coming next - it always does.

God always expects us to exercise diligence when protecting and providing for our family matters yet so many people mistakenly think that taking the necessary but uncomfortable steps is not Christian so they instead lay back and their family predictably falls apart - and unnecessarily so. Such a waste of a family's future.
 
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Endeavourer

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Your wife's affair has just recently started (to the best of your knowledge). The easiest time to kill an affair is at the beginning. Your marriage is VERY recoverable right now - you have a lot of hope!

Once affairs become more entrenched they are harder to kill.
 
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LinkH

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I don't know if she's cheating on him. they say some women don't want to sleep with their husbands during an affair because they feel like they are cheating on their partner in adultery. On the other hand, they say some women are more sexual with their husbands, maybe to alleviate their guilt.
 
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Endeavourer

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I don't know if she's cheating on him. they say some women don't want to sleep with their husbands during an affair because they feel like they are cheating on their partner in adultery. On the other hand, they say some women are more sexual with their husbands, maybe to alleviate their guilt.

At the very minimum, she's having an emotional affair. She's already given him the ILYBINILWY speech, which in 99.9% of the cases indicates an affair. They have already met up once and then afterwards when she was at Walmart he went over there to see if he could find her. This from a man who lives 100 miles away. Something is not adding up in the Walmart story - unless he was already in the area hoping to see her.

How many guys drive 100 miles to get a glimpse of a woman unless they are hoping to have sex with her?

The reason that the "I love you but I’m not in love with you“ speech usually means that she is having an affair is that this feeling is generated when there is a contrast effect going on. When your spouse tells you that she is no longer in love with you, it usually means that there IS someone to whom she IS in love with right now.

However, with the other information provided, it would be very possible it was physical as well. A wife doesn't sneak a 2 am conversation with another man (the same one who drive 100 miles to see if he could see her in Walmart) while on a mini-honeymoon with her husband unless her affections are quite deeply engaged with the other man.

It was a close friend from a before so it's not like the relationship is being built from scratch; it quickly rekindled where it left off.

See post # 20 and #22 for detailed responses itemizing out the textbook behaviors of someone in an affair.

The actions required to rescue a marriage from an emotional or physical affair are identical - they are designed to kill the growing emotional attachment, dissipate the fog the wife is in, establish extraordinary precautions with the opposite sex so it doesn't come back, put the entire situation behind them and build a marriage that was better than before.
 
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tall73

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My question for you is why do you think she doesn’t ever want to be home? She said that. I don’t think it’s me because we talk and text more now.

As was mentioned you will have to ask to know for sure. However, a couple of possibilities seem likely.

a. She is still having the affair and being around you is uncomfortable.

b. At work she forgets her problems and compartmentalizes to focus on other things. Other people don't know the situation so she doesn't have to face there or face any questions about it there. When she comes home she has to remember that she is in the middle of an emotional mess, and that she is largely to blame for this. When she comes home she has to face up to her actions and live with herself, put forth effort to reconnect spiritually and emotionally with God and you.

The element of guilt is different, but think of someone who lost a loved one recently. Some will put themselves totally into funeral plans, contacting family, arranging for flowers, calling for death certificates, working on insurance, and they get so busy the grief doesn't hit them the same during that time. Then after the funeral and after everyone leaves, and there is no more sudden work to do and they cannot run from their grief any longer.
 
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tall73

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How many guys drive 100 miles to get a glimpse of a woman unless they are hoping to have sex with her?

Very true. This actions was further in the past, but certainly speaks to his motivation in the past.
A wife doesn't sneak a 2 am conversation with another man (the same one who drive 100 miles to see if he could see her in Walmart) while on a mini-honeymoon with her husband unless her affections are quite deeply engaged with the other man.
One hundred percent true. Especially after already revealing the relationship. This is a deeper level of betrayal. While it is accompanied by a statement of intent to further break off things, it also speaks to the still very strong pull, and the inability to make a clean break the first time.

She may have at the time felt committed again to breaking away. But commitment does not always lead to action when folks are pulled two directions.

If she had continued progressing building closeness with no other signs, perhaps we could believe that this was a decision moment. But the aftermath is making this questionable.

Speaking to the poster now:

Have you asked her again since this 2 am conversation confession about her contact with him?

How did you verify where she was at in each case?

It seems obvious to state, but you cannot know if she is having any communication with him, as she was hiding that the second time, even after you checked the phone. Now we know what the "did you find anything" question was about. She was still in contact, and she hoped she cleaned up her trail sufficiently that you didn't find anything.

It may be time to consider the step that Endeavourer has mention, of contacting this other guy. Call him and let him know you want not no further contact between them. His response may tell you more at this point than hers.

If you are back to being roommates that means she is either having so hard of a time with dealing with this that she is making little progress, or that she has not stopped at all.
 
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Endeavourer

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It may be time to consider the step that Endeavourer has mention, of contacting this other guy. Call him and let him know you want not no further contact between them. His response may tell you more at this point than hers.

I would not tell your wife that you are making this call. Whether or not she hears about it will be evidence of whether he contacts her after your to him call demanding that he stop.

If she does confront you, see if you can figure out what method of communication she's maintaining without making it evident to her that you picked up on it.

You'll want him to get the message that pursing your wife will be WAAAAY more trouble than it's worth so he will decide to leave her alone and pursue someone else instead.
 
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Scott Grissom

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1. I’m not contacting him
2. He didn’t drive 100 miles I’m not sure where that came from. He lives in the same vacinity as my wife’s family. He met her a few miles at a Walmart she was at.
3. I appreciate the advice, but contacting him will not do anything. It’s taking things into my own hands and not leaving it in God’s. That might sound foolish, but I really don’t understand how me running him off is going to solve the problem that my wife willingly engaged with another man. If I chase this one off, how does that solve the problem within my wife? SHE has to choose me out of her own heart and fear of God. I don’t want to keep chasing men off if my wife if going to simply replace them years later. I want to solve the problem. Not the symptom.

Thanks
 
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Scott Grissom

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It is worth mentioning she seems to be coming around. She’s been in high spirits since her deliverance in church and cutting things off on the 1st. She’s been forthcoming telling me where she’s at and when she’s coming home, she’s been considerate of me in her speech and actions.

She cooked dinner last night for the first time in over a month now, and she’s cooking again tonight. Last night she only cooked for me as she wasn’t hungry. Hat was nice. She hasn’t been taking extra shifts or hours at work and she has not been spending extra time away from home. It seems she doesn’t or hasn’t lately avoided being gone at all. She’s been seeing her friends and that’s about it.

We’re in our twenties and use a lot of social media, I know where she’s at because I can see her location on a map in Snapchat and she posts a lot when she goes places and the posts often have geotags.

I’m watching the situation closely. I’ve blocked his number on our cell phone provider and his email in her email and she doesn’t know. They cannot call each other.

But here’s the thing, she can always download an instant message texting app and text him or call him and I wouldn’t know because it makes the number win a temporary one. My point is I can do all I can and then I give the rest to God because truthfully I can not control her. I can only make it impossible in some ways and very difficult in others for him to contact her. But if she wants to cheat then she will and God will deal with her. It seems she’s been adhering to God’s Word, even if bitterly for now.

I don’t want a wife that I have to police. I’ll do what I can and then at some point I don’t have a child I have to trust her when she says she’s done. I have to trust God and her. I’m not trying to sit here and be naive and do nothing, but at some point I didn’t sign up to be a bounty hunter. I will love her unconditionally through this and that will eventually convict her and show her who he real man is. But I can rush that.

She’s involved and leaning into our counseling, she’s involved and leaning into my needs for trust rebuilding. And she’s set up time for us to talk with our pastor and his wife. I know it’s not easy for us right now, but I’m really trying to not take matters into my own hands and play god. I gotta have faith and I gotta trust even if it’s soooooo difficult at times.

After all I believe we will get thru this and I do not want to have created a habit of having to inspect her phone when we all know if you want to hide something on a device, you can, easily. I’m just focusing on my prayer for myself my marriage and my wife and being vigilant where God directs me.
 
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faroukfarouk

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I totally agree. We are back to sleeping in the same bed now, but overall affection is not there anymore, from I love you to holding hands touching and kissing and of course, sex. None of that is happening and it’s kind of killing me but I’m fearing we get used to this. I don’t know why we aren’t affectionate and why she hasn’t said I love you. That needs to be my next question. Because that must come back.
Maybe you could initiate the affection? :)
 
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Hi Scott, I see you are new around here, so first off, WELCOME TO CF .. :wave:

That said, you are doing the right thing by seeking counseling. You are welcome to seek out a secular counselor, of course, but you guys need to have Christian counseling sessions (with your pastor, if possible) as I believe those will be far more important and useful for you two as Christians, especially at this point.

You might also try a Campus Crusade for Christ's Weekend to Remember this year. You'll hear and be given more solid marriage building tools than you'll know what to do with, and I can guarantee you that it will be one of the most memorable/most fun things you will ever do as a married couple.

I would also recommend that you study deeply, learn, and then apply the principles that the Bible teaches us on how to be the kind of loving husband/leader in your home that God calls us to be. Don't worry about whether she is being the Biblical wife she is supposed to be right now or not, just focus on learning and doing what is expected of you by the Lord .. start with Ephesians 5 .. because loving her like that, by itself, should do the trick :) (you might want to check out two recent sermons here .. "Loving Husbands #1" and today's sermon, which I'm sure will be posted by these guys in the next day or two, "Loving Husbands #2", as means of beginning to correctly engage with all that Ephesians 5 has to say about the husband's role/duties to his wife in marriage).

I would also be VERY patient with her, patience being the #1 ingredient (so to speak) in love .. 1 Corinthians 13:4. Remember too that Godly love (ἀγάπη [agape]) is first and foremost a "choice", which is a good thing for us, because if Godly love was based principally upon what God "feels" about us, we'd all be in trouble ;) (and so it is in marriage, we .. first and foremost, "choose" to love our spouses).

I see no Biblical grounds for a divorce (or even a separation, actually) in what you've written above, but again, you will want your pastor to tell you wife that (actually, it sounds like she already knows if I am reading between the lines correctly ;)).

Hang in there brother, patiently, constantly praying/seeking the Lord about all of this.

Praying for both you and your wife.

God bless you! (Numbers 6:24-26; Isaiah 40:31; Ephesians 5:22-33)

--David

Ephesians 5
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,
26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,
27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.
28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;
29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church,
30 because we are members of His body.
31 FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND SHALL BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH.
32 This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.
33 Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.
I echo this - Do the Family Life Today, Weekend to Remember Marriage weekend. I've been married 24 years (tomorrow) and we did this early in our marriage and I strongly believe it has literally saved our marriage.

There is also The Love Dare. If you can do it. It will take effort but if she ever did love you emotionally, she will again.

Finally, she needs to learn the truth! Love and Marriage is not about emotions but about TRUTH. My young adult daughter and my wife often react to the "chick-flick" moments in life with the simultaneous, "Aww!", like many women do. Men do too, but there is a reason "chick-flicks" are called that. Not all people fall into the typical emotional patterns -there are emotional men and there are women out-of-touch with their feelings; there are nurturing men and career-minded women who don't easily cry. However, the vast majority of us fall into the typical, "stereotypical" patterns. If this is you and your wife, you will need to stay stable, consistent and loving regardless of your wife's ups-and-downs.

But regardless of where you fall on the emotional spectrum, the truth is clearly spelled out in God's word: Marriage is between a man and a woman for life (Matt 19:5). Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them (Col 3:19). Husbands love your wife as Christ loved the church… (Eph 5:25). Love is patient, kind, not envious, not boastful nor proud, not rude nor selfish, love keeps no record of wrongs and it always hopes, protects, trust, and perseveres; love never fails; (1 Cor 13:4-8). These are imperatives that you and I must accept, regardless of what our wives do. In addition, we must be men, be godly men, be strong, trust in God and stand for what is right.

You are a young man so find someone older – say 40 or older who has a good marriage and is a godly man and grab him and say, “I need breakfast or lunch with you, my treat”. Then at the breakfast or lunch meeting say, “I need to meet with you at least monthly to learn how to be a godly husband. Can we do that”.

I hope this helps.
 
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