You’re right about not needing to talk every second. That my own overthought. She didn’t say she didn’t miss me, I asked her if shes tired of sleeping in bed alone and she said no. She did say she wasn’t sexually attracted to me a week or so prior to now.
Well that is lousy to have to hear about yourself. But as you said above, the issue is not an objective issue of you being unattractive. She had likely switched her focus that direction to thoughts of the other guy. It takes time to re-orient. Assuming you keep talking, etc. that can change.
I won’t change myself but I will act less hyper focused on her and more focused on me being me. I think in this entire situation I’ve become somewhat infatuated with keeping and making her happy/satisfied.
Yes, to the degree you can try to remember when you were dating the first time. You were just spending time and getting to know each other.
I think it comes down to the fact that she has all the power and it’s obvious and that’s not attractive or comfortable for me. She decides that we don’t sleep together and when we will again, she decides that we don’t have sex or kiss, she decides if I’m meeting her needs enough for her to stay, she has the power in the relationship right now and I absolutely hate that and don’t know how to change that.
Does she talk down or be rude? Definitely not. Does she flex her power or act generally disrespectful to me? Nope. But the reality is she is controlling what happens next, when and if and I do not like that. What are your thoughts?
If she is setting all the parameters rather than you both discussing the best way to rebuild things, then yes, I can see how you would feel that way. She does ultimately decide if she stays. But it is not truly based on whether you win her over, you do everything to meet her needs etc. It is based on whether she values her commitment to Christ, to you, to her child, and walks in the Spirit, not in the flesh.
And while she decides if she stays, you still have a role in setting expectations and boundaries.
It is her thinking that is mixed up right now, because she claims to want to be with you, but at the same time admitted she was tempted to want to talk to him. Being of two minds is not a pleasant experience. Being in the moment of decision is not a pleasant experience. And sometimes it is not being in two minds at the same time, but switching back and forth depending on the circumstances.
Talk about all of this. Talk about your feelings about the situation. Talk about how you feel she is calling all of the shots, and that this needs to be a relationship built around cooperation if it is going to work. Yes, she could leave. But if you base all your actions on keeping her from leaving then you are not building a relationship of mutual love and cooperation.
At some point you are going to have to be straight-forward about how you are feeling on this point. You are willing to put time into the relationship, but you are not going to walk on egg shells and constantly be in fear that you might slight her so she leaves.
I would also discuss that it takes two people in a marriage to neglect time together. She had the option to handle that in a more constructive way, to ask you to spend more time together, to plan things. She also had a responsibility to avoid sinful relationships. She didn't do that. You are not the only one that needs to change. And so she shouldn't be the one who directs the change. If anything she has more to change because she not only participated in you both drifting apart,but she was building up resentment sexually and emotionally for some time and said nothing. She chose to go outside the relationship.
If all of the focus is on blaming you for the distance, and what you must do to win her back, that is completely failing to accept her role in her sinful choices, and her role in the relationship.
And you have to actually tell her that. You won't have boundaries if you don't discuss them. And she may need help to see things as they really are. And things as they really are is that she played a role in all of the distance, all of the broken relationship, and an even bigger role because she responded to it in a sinful way. And I would phrase it just that way--sinful. It is sin, and she needs to understand that if she is to truly repent and turn back to living for Christ.
On that note, you have told us some about your relationship before. What was your spiritual life like before? To the degree you know, what was hers like before?
