Wife and I are starting over, help?

[Scott Grissom]

I am sorry for the reasons you are here.





Here is where you went wrong. You needed to run the other man off - and you still can do so. He is poaching in your family and your marriage.



This is what happens when you don't run the other man off. He keeps digging into your marriage. He will continue to deepen his entrenchment until you do this.



This is stereoptyical speak for "I'm having an affair." 99% of the time this statement is used, the other person is having an affair.



This is TEXTBOOK behavior for someone in an active affair. She is nursing her addiction to the other man. You need to run him off, disrupt her ability to get a hit from her addiction and carefully monitor that he stays out of your family and marriage from now on.



This is a continuation of TEXTBOOK behavior for someone in an active affair. She behaves like this while she is seeing him.



She is still seeing him and you are now competing for your own wife. You need to run him off so her fog will clear up.



This is a terrible idea. Do not leave the marital bed. If she wants to leave, let her do it. If this evolves to her wanting you to leave the house, do NOT do so. Let her leave so she can experience the reality of her life without you.



Yes, it is normal for her to behave that way while she is still seeing her affair partner. You need to run him off.



This is because she's having an affair. Women have a hard time loving two men at once.



She needs to eliminate this man and all other opposite sex friends off social media since this was an avenue for her to start and affair - unless you want to endure more affairs in the future.

She also needs to give you digital transparency to her entire life.



She will likely not be interested in sex with you until she ends her affair.

Wayward wives (and husbands) rewrite history. This is textbook behavior. However, it is very important for you to consider and address her complaints.

Thanks for your insight. However I am confident she's not seeing him. She hasn't called him, I know this because I've seen the phone records and the calls stopped three weeks ago. I can't see text messages because iPhones don't show iMessages on phone bills. However, I can't see why she would stay when she was planning on leaving just to have an affair and create all this strife.

I know my wife and I know that she wouldn't sneak around hiding texts and phone calls and talking with me about working things out while still pursuing another man. She would just leave. She did delete him off Facebook and delete his number etc. now I have not gone through her phone, mainly because I'm trying to trust her more, not get acclimated to not trusting her.

Maybe I'm naive but I can't see her conscious praying with me, going to church with me, writing in her prayer journal, just to run an affair actively. Now did something more physical happen weeks ago that she's struggling with getting over? Maybe and she won't tell me. But there's not much I can do about that, so I've resolved to stop wondering and fearing that. She's told me numerous times she's not stepped out and she wouldn't because she saw what it did to her parents.

She did say she was tempted to talk to him and see him. But didn't. I have confidence that if my wife wanted to leave she wouldn't be home now. And I'm confident God is working on her heart and our marriage.

I did message him from the jump and I actually invited him to church and lunch because I was trusting that he was just a friend of my wife's and I was subtly telling him to back up.

I struggle with the thought she cheated physically. But I do think emotionally cheating is more textbook for women and in many case much more detrimental than a physical act.

 

[Endeavourer]

I know this because I've seen the phone records and the calls stopped three weeks ago. I can't see text messages because iPhones don't show iMessages on phone bills.

It is very typical for communications to go more underground when the betrayed spouse becomes aware.

I know my wife and I know that she wouldn't sneak around hiding texts and phone calls and talking with me about working things out while still pursuing another man.

You know your wife, but you don't know her as the alien she becomes while having an affair.

now I have not gone through her phone, mainly because I'm trying to trust her more, not get acclimated to not trusting her.

Trusting her is an enormous strategic mistake at this critical moment. The longer her communications continue with this person to more deeply in love she falls with him and the more difficult it will be to rescue your marriage.

Maybe I'm naive but I can't see her conscious praying with me, going to church with me, writing in her prayer journal, just to run an affair actively.

Now did something more physical happen weeks ago that she's struggling with getting over? Maybe and she won't tell me. But there's not much I can do about that, so I've resolved to stop wondering and fearing that. She's told me numerous times she's not stepped out and she wouldn't because she saw what it did to her parents.

Please do not trust anything she is saying without verification. A relationship with another man needs to reach very near the threshold of an addiction before someone would jeopardize their marriage the way she has. You usually know when an addict is lying - any time they are talking.

She did say she was tempted to talk to him and see him. But didn't. I have confidence that if my wife wanted to leave she wouldn't be home now.

The only thing you should trust with an addict is what you verify. This is a VERY serious moment in your marriage, Scott. You need to take it seriously IF you don't want this situation to continue spiraling out of further control.

I did message him from the jump and I actually invited him to church and lunch because I was trusting that he was just a friend of my wife's and I was subtly telling him to back up.

This is a loop you need to close. There is NO need to be subtle whatsoever when running another man off from your wife. Be very direct, and firm and make sure he understands he does NOT want to tangle with the business end of you if he EVER sniffs around your wife again.

I struggle with the thought she cheated physically. But I do think emotionally cheating is more textbook for women and in many case much more detrimental than a physical act.

If you do not take very swift action to run this man off and kill the affair, expect to be receiving continuously worse discoveries about this relationship, whether it is already physical or not. It is very typical that when women have taken the withdrawal from the marriage to the extent your wife has, that a physical connection has already happened.

 

[Scott Grissom]

It is very typical for communications to go more underground when the betrayed spouse becomes aware.



You know your wife, but you don't know her as the alien she becomes while having an affair.




Trusting her is an enormous strategic mistake at this critical moment. The longer her communications continue with this person to more deeply in love she falls with him and the more difficult it will be to rescue your marriage.



Please do not trust anything she is saying without verification. A relationship with another man needs to reach very near the threshold of an addiction before someone would jeopardize their marriage the way she has. You usually know when an addict is lying - any time they are talking.



The only thing you should trust with an addict is what you verify. This is a VERY serious moment in your marriage, Scott. You need to take it seriously IF you don't want this situation to continue spiraling out of further control.



This is a loop you need to close. There is NO need to be subtle whatsoever when running another man off from your wife. Be very direct, and firm and make sure he understands he does NOT want to tangle with the business end of you if he EVER sniffs around your wife again.



If you do not take very swift action to run this man off and kill the affair, expect to be receiving continuously worse discoveries about this relationship, whether it is already physical or not. It is very typical that when women have taken the withdrawal from the marriage to the extent your wife has, that a physical connection has already happened.

I just don't know what do to now.

 

[Endeavourer]

I recommend you read the book Surviving an Affair by Dr. Williard Harley.

He has studied marital behaviors among thousands of couples and has flushed out a plan to restore marriages after affairs which has a very high rate of success.

Here is an overview of what it takes, based on his research and experience, to recover a marriage from an affair:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/mb4.cfm?recno=4&sublink=33

Be careful about the marriage counseling appointment you have set up. Many marriage counselors ENABLE the continuation of affairs by validating the wayward spouse's "need for space". If you oblige, it simply gives the affair partners the time and space to deepen their addiction to each other and makes your marriage harder to recover.

 

[Endeavourer]

I am very sorry to give you this type of perspective. However, it's much easier to have this information now and be able to act on it than to have more discovery days down the road.

Your marriage is VERY recoverable at this point. Your advantage is that you are the husband and can pursue your wife back.

 

[Scott Grissom]

I recommend you read the book Surviving an Affair by Dr. Williard Harley.

He has studied marital behaviors among thousands of couples and has flushed out a plan to restore marriages after affairs which has a very high rate of success.

Here is an overview of what it takes, based on his research and experience, to recover a marriage from an affair:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/mb4.cfm?recno=4&sublink=33

Be careful about the marriage counseling appointment you have set up. Many marriage counselors ENABLE the continuation of affairs by validating the wayward spouse's "need for space". If you oblige, it simply gives the affair partners the time and space to deepen their addiction to each other and makes your marriage harder to recover.

Do you have any scriptural reference? I appreciate your advice, it's just really fear driven. My flags up. But I appreciate your contribution, I'll dig a little bit in terms of finding any signs she's still contact with him. But again, some affair if she's not called him and she's gone everyday or at work. She works over 100 miles from where he lives. And I know she's at work because she uses Snapchat a lot.

There might have been something in the past that happened but ongoing? My gut says no.

 

[Endeavourer]

Dr. Harley hosts a forum which provides his experience, expertise and advise for free. Seasoned members who have recovered from affairs provide step by step coaching to recover your marriage (for free) on his forum.

Here is a checklist on how to end an affair from Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67. This checklist was developed and refined based on years of research and experience of what marriages did to successfully recover from and affair, and why the ones that failed to recover failed:

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.

Checklist for How Affairs Should End:

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.
_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:
_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).
_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).
_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).
_____Spend leisure time together.
_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.
_____Avoid overnight separation.
_____Allow technical accountability.
_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

 

[Scott Grissom]

Dr. Harley hosts a forum which provides his experience, expertise and advise for free. Seasoned members who have recovered from affairs provide step by step coaching to recover your marriage (for free) on his forum.

Here is a checklist on how to end an affair from Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67. This checklist was developed and refined based on years of research and experience of what marriages did to successfully recover from and affair, and why the ones that failed to recover failed:

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.

Checklist for How Affairs Should End:

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.
_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:
_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).
_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).
_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).
_____Spend leisure time together.
_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.
_____Avoid overnight separation.
_____Allow technical accountability.
_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Ok thx

 

[Endeavourer]

Do you have any scriptural reference? I appreciate your advice, it's just really fear driven.

Scott, it is a swift action plan to kill an affair before it can take a deeper hold in your marriage. You SHOULD be very afraid of that unless you want to continue to receive wrosening news in the future.

But again, some affair if she's not called him and she's gone everyday or at work.

You don't know this. You said you have no way to verify her texts. The fastest way to heal from an affair is to KNOW so you don't have to wonder. Wondering drags the healing and suspicions out.

She works over 100 miles from where he lives. And I know she's at work because she uses Snapchat a lot.

Yet, she was developing a very inappropriate relationship where she was (is?) falling in love with the guy under these conditions.

There might have been something in the past that happened but ongoing? My gut says no.

You're at a critical juncture. Don't trust your gut - your gut led you wrong from the moment these two began talking when you allowed the relationship to develop without running him off.

 

[RaymondG]

Dr. Harley hosts a forum which provides his experience, expertise and advise for free. Seasoned members who have recovered from affairs provide step by step coaching to recover your marriage (for free) on his forum.

Here is a checklist on how to end an affair from Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67. This checklist was developed and refined based on years of research and experience of what marriages did to successfully recover from and affair, and why the ones that failed to recover failed:

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.

Checklist for How Affairs Should End:

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.
_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:
_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).
_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).
_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).
_____Spend leisure time together.
_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.
_____Avoid overnight separation.
_____Allow technical accountability.
_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

This seems like a lot......Wouldnt it be better to just find a new wife than to go through all of this with one that cheated already? living in constant fear of re-occurrence...shown by the need to keep track of time and media etc.. Why would anyone want to do this unless they feel so low that they believe they have to stay with one they cant trust anymore?

 

[RaymondG]

Scott, it is a swift action plan to kill an affair before it can take a deeper hold in your marriage. You SHOULD be very afraid of that unless you want to continue to receive wrosening news in the future.

How many ants would you suggest he steps on before considering the root colony?

 

[Endeavourer]

This seems like a lot......Wouldnt it be better to just find a new wife than to go through all of this with one that cheated already? living in constant fear of re-occurrence...shown by the need to keep track of time and media etc.. Why would anyone want to do this unless they feel so low that they believe they have to stay with one they cant trust anymore?

If your wife actively seeks after affairs, then yes. You'd be better to divorce than sign up for years of more affairs.

If the affair was a growing opposite sex friendship that got out of hand, then your marriage is very recoverable. We are all wired for affairs unless proper precautions are taken to protect boundaries.

However, it is my personal conviction that if a spouse cheats, the other spouse does have the Biblical right to consider whether or not to pursue the marriage or divorce. Whether or not you have children usually factors into this heavily.

If you are going to recover your marriage, I'd urge you to do it thoroughly and according to a plan that has the highest rate of success.

 

[Endeavourer]

People who fully kill the affair and establish boundaries to prevent affairs from ever happening again usually go on to have far better marriages than they did before the affair occurred.

I've heard the testimonies of many who have said that while not grateful for the pain of the affair, they are grateful for the better marriage afterwards when they learned what the pre-affair mistakes of their marriage were and how to fix them.

 

[tall73]

The only thing you should trust with an addict is what you verify.

I agree with this statement. Whether she is currently having contact or not, this is a step in rebuilding trust.

If she is resistant to having you at any time look at her text messages, etc. or is reluctant to give you passwords, that is a problem.

So far you have indicated she has given up contact, but if it was not until just the past day or so that she took him off Facebook, that is a sign she was still holding that possibility in reserve.

While it may cause strife you do need to stress that there is more at stake here than just rebuilding love, you have to rebuild trust, and that will mean she has to voluntarily consent to more transparency now.

 

[Goatee]

Early days. God will help you both. Give her space. Be loving and caring but give her space.

Ask God that His will be done.

God bless you and your family my friend.

 

[tall73]

This seems like a lot......Wouldnt it be better to just find a new wife than to go through all of this with one that cheated already? living in constant fear of re-occurrence...shown by the need to keep track of time and media etc.. Why would anyone want to do this unless they feel so low that they believe they have to stay with one they cant trust anymore?

Because he cares about her. Because they have a child. Trust can be rebuilt. And so can closeness, but I do agree you can't build one without the other.

It is not forever. It is for a time for her protection and his for her to voluntarily open up avenues to verify.

 

[Endeavourer]

Give her space. Be loving and caring but give her space.

Actually, do NOT give her space as that just gives her the luxury of time and opportunity for the affair to become more deeply entrenched than it already is.

Instead, run the other guy off, kill the affair and woo her back.

Do not enable her to separate to another place, i.e. do not provide financial support, help her with any moving, etc etc.

 

[tall73]

We have a 1 year old daughter and I just don't want her to have a split family life. I really don't. I don't think my wife is too too concerned with that though she is to a degree, but not completely and I think it's because she grew up in a split family and turned out "fine".

This is new information, that you have a daughter, and she is not concerned about the impact. Frankly that puts her whole attitude in a different, more selfish light.

In her brain are several struggles going on.

a. struggle to mentally separate from this other man. That can be fought by totally cutting off, and verifying such, any contact.
b. struggle spiritually. You don't just fall into an affair. You know when you are sending messages to this other guy that you are violating God's will for your marriage. And the longer that goes on the more resistant to the Spirit's warnings you are. Part of this struggle is really facing what she has done. Repenting and confessing not just to you but to God. Pursuing sex or relationships outside of marriage is a clear violation of Scriptural principles and raises the question of the spiritual health of the person. If she is going to live by the Spirit she needs to go through that process of having God transform her mind (Romans 12), that she has allowed to be conformed to the pattern of this world. She has to submit to His Spirit directing her. There is no way that the Spirit is telling her it doesn't matter if she runs off to have sex with some other dude and puts her child in the middle of that. No chance. And you need to confront her with the Spiritual reality of the situation.
c. struggle to reconnect with you. A bit more on this point. Your relationship didn't form under pressure, and it likely won't reform under it. Insist on things that will build trust, and spend time to build closeness. Ask her what would build closeness, but try to avoid excessive efforts like the well-intentioned viewing off of a building idea. Time spent together, even if awkward at first is what you need. And some time apart to work on your Spiritual lives. Some of this you are already doing. It won't be a straight line improvement necessarily, but keep at it.;

 

[RaymondG]

Because he cares about her. Because they have a child. Trust can be rebuilt. And so can closeness, but I do agree you can't build one without the other.

It is not forever. It is for a time for her protection and his for her to voluntarily open up avenues to verify.

If he really cared and want things to work out.....shouldn't he leave matters in the hands of the man who knows the hearts of all involved? Shouldn't he cast cares on Him and not try to fix things on his own? There is a way that seems right unto man the ends leads to destruction.

Fighting other men.....checking texts this is not the way of marriage. Maybe a mentions of general ages and experience in this subject would also be helpful to the OP.

 

[RaymondG]

If your wife actively seeks after affairs, then yes. You'd be better to divorce than sign up for years of more affairs.

If the affair was a growing opposite sex friendship that got out of hand, then your marriage is very recoverable. We are all wired for affairs unless proper precautions are taken to protect boundaries.

However, it is my personal conviction that if a spouse cheats, the other spouse does have the Biblical right to consider whether or not to pursue the marriage or divorce. Whether or not you have children usually factors into this heavily.

If you are going to recover your marriage, I'd urge you to do it thoroughly and according to a plan that has the highest rate of success.

But if we follow your method, we would never know if the wife is seeking affairs because we would be taking out the men and become social media detectives. We would be in constant fear of this happening again and then the blame falls on me.....since it will be my new job to make sure affairs dont happen.

The wife should decide on her own to stop. Any other way will end in failure or a life of worrying. We are good enough men to deserve a woman who wants us and no one else....a woman who social media we never need to check, whose phone we never need to look at. Only God can give us this woman or turn the wife we now have, into her....

He should have a peace that passes all understanding......not become a paranoid, worrying, guy chase away-er. This is a life I would wish on no one.