- Jan 16, 2019
- 20,539
- 17,698
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Non-Denom
- Marital Status
- In Relationship
Yes, my own character with its ways can be the dictator of who I am capable of connecting with.
The common thread in my connections is giving, helpfulness, and support. We don't place demands on one another. We aren't entitled or overbearing. There are no takers in the bunch. We don't expect appeasement or validation. We're mutually invested in betterment.
I think I have seen how a person can become a serial divorcer > using the same methods, not getting real character correction, therefore getting the same result, over and over . . . while blaming someone else and maybe blaming mistakes in judgement, but never making sure with God.
There are some who can't handle the truth in love unless it mirrors the story they've told themselves. They won't accept personal responsibility for bad choices or behavior. It's always the other person's fault. There's a trail of failed connections and deep hurts which attest to the problem. They surround themselves with supporters who validate the lie and the descent is swift.
I know someone like this. You can't address it without accusations, a meltdown, and victimhood. Its like watching a movie on repeat. You know how it ends. You're the bad guy if your words don't mirror the ones they hear from others. They never get the results they're looking for. It evades them every time.
Dictating what interests someone has to have is not submitting to what our Father desires > love does not have us marrying someone so we can use a person for what we want and what we even can dictate. We can claim we don't want to have a dictator over us; but this can be so we are the dictator . . . right?
I like to share where I am with God and where He's leading me early in my engagements. I disclose my calling in small bits. Listening intently to their response and body language. I'm sifting to discover if their answers align with His will or would send me in the wrong direction. Over time I discern their motives and what they're really after. No one tells you their agenda upfront. You have to sniff it out. Not every one is working with God. Many want to occupy His place.
But here is what can happen > you can use the Net or a church or prayer or a pick-up bar while you are about yourself, and get connected with someone else who is about himself or herself. And then both of you can be shocked at how you managed to marry such a foolish person.
I like to know how people react when I say no or don't give them their way. I like to see their response when our opinions differ. I like to know how they handle disappointment and setbacks. I like to know how they handle their anger. Do they walk it off or erupt? Because that's a window into their character. That's the person I'm living with. I have to experience the imperfect part of him to make a wise decision. I can't base my opinion on the pleasant parts alone. I need to see all of him.
But if you gave your word to Jesus . . . keep your word; now you are in a perfect situation to discover how to love another impossible person. It is possible with God.
I look at the bones. Who he is beneath the layers and keep it in the forefront of my thoughts. So the imperfections won't create mountains out of molehills. Seeing the bigger picture is a must. As is choosing your battles.
Or . . . you can share and pray with mature couples and widows and widowers who have lived for Christ and learned how to submit to God and obey how He has us loving. And feed on their example, and grow in Jesus, then discover who He has you connected with. And then help one another to keep discovering how to love, and this in order to feed how God has you loving any and all people, not just certain favorites you want to use for what you want!!
I shared some insight about my singleness the other day with the Gentleman. He knows my calling. I explained that "I am not above the whole. I'm an integral part of the structure. I must understand the role and its limitations. Deference is its banner." I acknowledged the qualities I valued and ended with these words, "to consider someone outside those parameters is unthinkable. I don't have the liberty of appeasing my heart at the expense of the mission. It must yield in subjection to the aim without complaint."
If the attributes I'm looking for point to Him (and what He desires of me) I won't go astray. I'm referencing weaknesses and areas where gifting and talent are absent. My companion's contribution makes us stronger. I want to provide the same for him to aid him in accomplishing his purpose.
I want a service-driven union. The God-centered mission is the heart of the bond. Because flesh gets tired. It will have you packing your bags. But my commitment to God is larger. That's where surrender dwells.
Marriage, then, in Jesus, is a research laboratory where we can make breakthrough discoveries in how to love another person in a close relationship. And then we can use this for relating with all our other Jesus family people, while offering this to even enemies, in case God has them join us.
He's had me reconcile connections I never wanted to rekindle. Or be the olive branch to restore communication and begin the healing process. Or serve someone who has wronged me irreparably. There are moments when I asked, "why me?" But over time I discovered their actions had no power over me. My heart is free. There's no bitterness lurking beneath the surface. I can pray for them without a problem. Satan doesn't get a foothold in me because of unforgiveness or a wrong I'm carrying that I need to release.
My personal understanding, now, is prayer needs to include actively seeking God for real correction so we can have real connection with Him and others who are for real in Jesus. And pray to make sure with God about how we see each other person. And make sure with God about who we belong with, for marriage and other sharing.
He's demonstrated the difference between things He authors and those I've undertaken on my own. I'm very reluctant about building a bond with anyone He didn't send my way. When He puts it together there's a mutuality and restfulness in the spirit that's hard to ignore. We serve one another genuinely without complaint.
Fleshly bonds vex my spirit. It strains against the pressure and demands. I feel a heaviness that causes repelling and expulsion. Its oppressive and draining. I'm not at peace until its gone. Then calm returns.
Oh, and by the way > first get into trusting God, like this, and I would not even start to consider a person unless I deeply trust the person. I am now rather flabbergasted at how people marry people they don't even trust. And in their relating there are issues people have even with ones they think are their soulmates; yet, they don't trust the person to talk about an intimate concern.
Trust takes time to build and many don't want to wait. Or they believe they trust the person and throw up a wall when problems arise or they're hurt. Letting the person in when they've let you down is trust in action.
~Bella
Upvote
0