Should I stay or should I go?


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Hannah18

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Hi all, I am new to this community but was desperately seeking a place that I can find Christian based advice on my dating life. I welcome any resources!

I am having serious doubts and trust issues in my one year relationship. I met my boyfriend on Upward (the Christian dating site) with much hesitation. I was engaged in 2018 and when that relationship ended it almost broke me. I chose to devote my energy on my relationship with God rather than seeking a new relationship. 3 years later I took a leap of faith and started dating again. I was instantly drawn to this man who I have now been with for a little over a year. I was terrified of starting something new but I felt that God brought us together. Half a year into our relationship I started to get the feeling that I couldn’t trust him. I decided to ignore the feelings and 3 months later I stumbled across several messages he was sending to other women. He was on a couple of different dating sites. I confronted him about it without showing any anger but he denied it until I showed him screenshots that I took. He told me that he couldn’t explain why he was talking to these other women, and that he has never gone out with them or physically connected with them. He told me that he only loves me. He then explained that this behavior was a type of distraction to not engage in watching inappropriate contentography. He felt a sense of gratification from matching online with other women. He told me that “I’m too good for him.” I wanted to understand his bout with sexual sin and support him through it. I decided to forgive him with the promise that he would work on our relationship and come to me if he felt a moment of weakness. We started praying together more but it has still felt like a struggle. Fast forward, today I was helping him clean his apartment and I found a red blouse hidden in one of his drawers. I am trying to make every excuse in my head that this isn’t what I think it is. I’m questioning whether it was from a past relationship and was simply forgotten, but then I know I would’ve seen it a long time ago. He says that he loves me and he does all of these amazing things to “take care” of me. He goes to church with me and prays with me. I just don’t get why this is happening. I want to work on whatever the issue is but I feel like I am just in denial. The old version of me would have walked out of the relationship the moment she saw those messages months ago. I’ve changed, I seek to exemplify grace, but at what point does grace become naïveté. I carry a lot of guilt about how my last relationship ended. I felt like I gave up on that relationship and pushed my ex away. Now I feel like I have to do better in this relationship and fight for this person that I truly love. I just don’t know if I’m fighting in vain.
 
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Tolworth John

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this behavior was a type of distraction to not engage in watching inappropriate contentography.

Exchanging one dangerous activity for another.
If he has a problem he needs to seek help.
Many anti virus systems will allow a users activity to be monitored by another person.
Is he willing to have a member of His church monitor his online activity?

He goes to church with me

Do you go to his church together?

If you married which church would you be attending?

What is his involvement in his church, what does he do there?

He is supposed to be a leader, so how is he leading you?

Why did his last relationship end? What church did she attend etc etc?

What are his friends like?
What are his parents like?
 
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bèlla

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I’m sorry you’re hurting and wrestling with feelings of mistrust and betrayal. I can’t tell you what to do. But this I know. Marriage is a sacred institution. A covenant between you and God and your beloved. If he isn’t ready to commit himself to you wholeheartedly he’ll have difficulty going beyond it and becoming your spouse.

When we find what we’re looking for we close the door on the past and unexplored opportunities. When it doesn’t occur we’re keeping our options open just in case. For the sake of my self-respect and dignity I wouldn’t permit it.

I’m a pearl. If he doesn’t believe the same he’s not the one.

~bella
 
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Hannah18

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Exchanging one dangerous activity for another.
If he has a problem he needs to seek help.
Many anti virus systems will allow a users activity to be monitored by another person.
Is he willing to have a member of His church monitor his online activity?



Do you go to his church together?

If you married which church would you be attending?

What is his involvement in his church, what does he do there?

He is supposed to be a leader, so how is he leading you?

Why did his last relationship end? What church did she attend etc etc?

What are his friends like?
What are his parents like?
You're absolutely right, he is literally exchanging one dangerous activity for another. I also think he needs to seek help, I can't give him the help that he needs. He has a pastor he is really close to and calls his spiritual mentor. I've asked him to speak to this pastor about these issues but he hasn't done that. Thank you for posing these questions. They are giving me a lot of food for thought, especially the question about whether he is leading me...which I don't feel he is.
 
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Hannah18

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You thought that you knew him and you trusted him, now that trust has been shaken. Relationships are built on trust, as that trust has now been shaken, it may be time to consider moving on.
That's the hardest part, if I choose to stay how do I learn to trust him again? I have been trying for the past few months and it just hurts every day.
 
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Hannah18

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I’m sorry you’re hurting and wrestling with feelings of mistrust and betrayal. I can’t tell you what to do. But this I know. Marriage is a sacred institution. A covenant between you and God and your beloved. If he isn’t ready to commit himself to you wholeheartedly he’ll have difficulty going beyond it and becoming your spouse.

When we find what we’re looking for we close the door on the past and unexplored opportunities. When it doesn’t occur we’re keeping our options open just in case. For the sake of my self-respect and dignity I wouldn’t permit it.

I’m a pearl. If he doesn’t believe the same he’s not the one.

~bella
Wow, thank you for that clarity. Your words literally brought me to tears because all that you said is the truth. I want someone that respects that sacred institution and respects me. I feel like letting him go means that I somehow failed at our relationship. I just feel so embarrassed that I've allowed this to prolong.
 
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bèlla

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Wow, thank you for that clarity. Your words literally brought me to tears because all that you said is the truth. I want someone that respects that sacred institution and respects me. I feel like letting him go means that I somehow failed at our relationship. I just feel so embarrassed that I've allowed this to prolong.

You’re welcome. Letting go isn’t failure. It takes wisdom and maturity to confront our mistakes and change course. Don’t dwell on the error. Look ahead to what awaits. The more you embrace your loveliness the greater the magnet. Beauty can’t be missed. Don’t hide it. Let your light shine for His glory.

~bella
 
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Trusting in Him

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My wife and I were just friends at first, I did not even realise that she was interested in me until she decided to tell me. It's good to get to know each other as friends before wanting to start a serious relationship. Both of us were already mature and fully committed Christians and we knew that we were right for each other. We've been through some pretty difficult times together and always been there for each other. I had a fairly debilitating stroke in 2010 and she looked after me, then she had an even worse stroke in 2021 and I look after her as well.

We have been marred for twenty six years and are still best buddies!
 
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linux.poet

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Tell him that until he kicks the other women out of his life, stops texting other women for fun, and gets professional help for his love addiction, you will have nothing to do with him. If he showers you with empty promises, say "You words are worthless. You need to show me by your actions that you have changed."

Be prepared to move on.
 
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Trusting in Him

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This is a trust issue! What else is there that you currently don't know about? If he deceives you about this, then there could be other stuff to worry about as well. You need someone you know that you can always trust!
 
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splish- splash

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Yup! He should stop chatting with other girls..

Having said that, some men aren't very good at getting rid of things that they should, from their past.. So dont be surprised when you find out that, the red blouse, could actually be from years ago, long before he even met you. Its actually a problem that some men seem to have..


You might even find things like false nails, lotion, makeup, lipgloss & all sorts in their drawer & if you don't move them, go back a year later & they will still be in the exact same condition & place you left them..
 
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