I a 22 year-old female and an employee of the church for 3 years now. The custodian in question, let’s call him Tom, is a 50-something-year-old male. He is a newer Christian and has only been the custodian for about a year, and a member of the church for not too much longer than that.
Ever since October the church custodian has been hitting on me. Earlier on the events were minor, things that made me uncomfortable but I dismissed. Tom would manipulate me into letting them happen.
For example, one time I was eating at a barbecue place with some church members after we set up for the Fall Festival. Tom insisted on paying for my food. I told him I didn’t want him to, and he skipped ahead in line to the register to pay for my food anyway. Then he said that a woman should never have to pay for her food. He made me feel bad for not wanting his help. So this is how he works.
Over the course of a few months, paying for my food became other things, like leaving me notes and gifts at the church. I denied the bad feeling for a long time (in hindsight there were a lot of red flags, I know, but because of the age gap I hoped he knew better and that it wasn’t what it felt like), but unfortunately, as time passed, he only proved my suspicions.
I tried to keep this as quiet as possible because I didn’t want people to gossip or to slander his reputation in any way. So first, I tried to resolve this privately between the two of us. I pulled him aside and asked him to stop with the gifts and that it’s making me uncomfortable. He denied that he was hitting on me of course, saying that it was just a Christmas gift. But then after that, things just got worse. He started leaving more gifts and apologies and somehow got my Facebook and phone number and left me messages. I respond to him and tell him to leave me alone, saying I’m not interested. Then we awkwardly avoid each other for about a month, and I think he finally backed off.
Then messages start coming again. He finds ways and reasons to talk to me, whether it’s to hand me a church bulletin or to text me about a church member’s birthday that’s coming up. Then he asks me out to lunch. I decline.
I finally tell the pastor. He takes my side and meets with Tom to tell him to back off. All is well. Apparently. He stays away for awhile. Then he takes advantage of my dying grandmother on hospice to get one of her friends to bring him TO MY HOME so he can visit my grandmother on her death bed. Fortunately I am not home. On the day of her death, he texts me his condolences and follows me on Instagram. I notice he’s also following my sister (a personal trainer who sometimes posts videos of me) and her boyfriend’s business pages.
I tell the pastor again. He tells the deacons. They apparently have another meeting with him to tell him to back off.
A few days later I get a call from one of the deacons trying to get me to meet with Tom so he can apologize, with the deacon as a mediator. I refuse because I don’t want to be near Tom. The deacon tries to talk to me about forgiveness and it’s all been a misunderstanding. I try to explain to him that it’s way more than a misunderstanding. He’s clearly disappointed. My dad gets Tom’s number from me and threatens him with a restraining order if he doesn’t back off. The deacon calls my dad and my dad is very angry. The deacon finally understands. Supposedly.
At church, everyone is so chummy with Tom. Even the deacon. They act like everything is fine. Everybody lovesssss Tom. Everyone sees him as this wonderful, kind, considerate person. Not the predator that he is.
I block Tom on everything.
More time passes. Every month my church goes on day trips to do mission work. There’s a sign up sheet. His name isn’t on it, yet he shows up. I’m stuck in the church bus with him, and he talks to me. I engage in small talk with him to try and be civil. I start to think we’re finally moving forward.
Now he finds opportunities. He makes sure HE’S the one to pass out the Mother’s Day church gift to my mother, even if it means he cuts off the person who is headed over to her. He follows my sister on Instagram again. He talks to me in front of other people so I respond to avoid appearing rude. Then tonight he followed me on TikTok and liked and favorited my latest video. I had already blocked him on everything that was linked to my TikTok so he clearly either has another account where he can still access those links, or he saved the links from before.
Other things he has done:
• He asked for a hug once. I declined.
• He followed me on two different accounts which have different names. The names are different enough to where he’s clearly trying to have different aliases but they’re close enough to where they’re obviously still him.
• He’s also told people about videos I’ve posted on accounts I have not shared to the general public (there was an experimental film review YouTube account I set up that I didn’t link to any of my personal accounts because I wanted it to take off before I told anyone it existed. It never took off so I abandoned it).
• He was also caught snooping in the church office so we had to start locking it. He knows information about people that he shouldn’t. He looked up information on my grandmother (like when she was baptized) and made a point to announce to everyone that my birthday is coming up.
I’m so tired of dealing with him. He’s repeatedly been asked to stop and clearly he never will. I’ve come to the point where if I see him at a church event I’m gonna get back in my car and leave, no matter how big of a scene it creates. I’m planning to tell the pastor again tomorrow that I’m tired of it, and if he sees me making a scene about it, that’s why. If Tom does anything else, ANYTHING, I have a fully detailed list of everything he’s done, to the date, that I will make public so everyone knows. And hopefully I have enough on him to where I can take out a restraining order on him. Although lately he’s been more subtle, so I don’t know if it’s enough to convince a judge he hasn’t backed off.
What are your thoughts? I’ve tried to keep this private, but I’m so done. I’m exhausted. I’m tired of looking over my shoulder every time I’m at church. Is it wrong to tell everyone? That’s not something I want to do because people still gossip and I’ve seen scandals tear families and churches apart. But I’m running out of options. He’s fooling everyone and I feel like no one is doing enough to make it stop.
Ever since October the church custodian has been hitting on me. Earlier on the events were minor, things that made me uncomfortable but I dismissed. Tom would manipulate me into letting them happen.
For example, one time I was eating at a barbecue place with some church members after we set up for the Fall Festival. Tom insisted on paying for my food. I told him I didn’t want him to, and he skipped ahead in line to the register to pay for my food anyway. Then he said that a woman should never have to pay for her food. He made me feel bad for not wanting his help. So this is how he works.
Over the course of a few months, paying for my food became other things, like leaving me notes and gifts at the church. I denied the bad feeling for a long time (in hindsight there were a lot of red flags, I know, but because of the age gap I hoped he knew better and that it wasn’t what it felt like), but unfortunately, as time passed, he only proved my suspicions.
I tried to keep this as quiet as possible because I didn’t want people to gossip or to slander his reputation in any way. So first, I tried to resolve this privately between the two of us. I pulled him aside and asked him to stop with the gifts and that it’s making me uncomfortable. He denied that he was hitting on me of course, saying that it was just a Christmas gift. But then after that, things just got worse. He started leaving more gifts and apologies and somehow got my Facebook and phone number and left me messages. I respond to him and tell him to leave me alone, saying I’m not interested. Then we awkwardly avoid each other for about a month, and I think he finally backed off.
Then messages start coming again. He finds ways and reasons to talk to me, whether it’s to hand me a church bulletin or to text me about a church member’s birthday that’s coming up. Then he asks me out to lunch. I decline.
I finally tell the pastor. He takes my side and meets with Tom to tell him to back off. All is well. Apparently. He stays away for awhile. Then he takes advantage of my dying grandmother on hospice to get one of her friends to bring him TO MY HOME so he can visit my grandmother on her death bed. Fortunately I am not home. On the day of her death, he texts me his condolences and follows me on Instagram. I notice he’s also following my sister (a personal trainer who sometimes posts videos of me) and her boyfriend’s business pages.
I tell the pastor again. He tells the deacons. They apparently have another meeting with him to tell him to back off.
A few days later I get a call from one of the deacons trying to get me to meet with Tom so he can apologize, with the deacon as a mediator. I refuse because I don’t want to be near Tom. The deacon tries to talk to me about forgiveness and it’s all been a misunderstanding. I try to explain to him that it’s way more than a misunderstanding. He’s clearly disappointed. My dad gets Tom’s number from me and threatens him with a restraining order if he doesn’t back off. The deacon calls my dad and my dad is very angry. The deacon finally understands. Supposedly.
At church, everyone is so chummy with Tom. Even the deacon. They act like everything is fine. Everybody lovesssss Tom. Everyone sees him as this wonderful, kind, considerate person. Not the predator that he is.
I block Tom on everything.
More time passes. Every month my church goes on day trips to do mission work. There’s a sign up sheet. His name isn’t on it, yet he shows up. I’m stuck in the church bus with him, and he talks to me. I engage in small talk with him to try and be civil. I start to think we’re finally moving forward.
Now he finds opportunities. He makes sure HE’S the one to pass out the Mother’s Day church gift to my mother, even if it means he cuts off the person who is headed over to her. He follows my sister on Instagram again. He talks to me in front of other people so I respond to avoid appearing rude. Then tonight he followed me on TikTok and liked and favorited my latest video. I had already blocked him on everything that was linked to my TikTok so he clearly either has another account where he can still access those links, or he saved the links from before.
Other things he has done:
• He asked for a hug once. I declined.
• He followed me on two different accounts which have different names. The names are different enough to where he’s clearly trying to have different aliases but they’re close enough to where they’re obviously still him.
• He’s also told people about videos I’ve posted on accounts I have not shared to the general public (there was an experimental film review YouTube account I set up that I didn’t link to any of my personal accounts because I wanted it to take off before I told anyone it existed. It never took off so I abandoned it).
• He was also caught snooping in the church office so we had to start locking it. He knows information about people that he shouldn’t. He looked up information on my grandmother (like when she was baptized) and made a point to announce to everyone that my birthday is coming up.
I’m so tired of dealing with him. He’s repeatedly been asked to stop and clearly he never will. I’ve come to the point where if I see him at a church event I’m gonna get back in my car and leave, no matter how big of a scene it creates. I’m planning to tell the pastor again tomorrow that I’m tired of it, and if he sees me making a scene about it, that’s why. If Tom does anything else, ANYTHING, I have a fully detailed list of everything he’s done, to the date, that I will make public so everyone knows. And hopefully I have enough on him to where I can take out a restraining order on him. Although lately he’s been more subtle, so I don’t know if it’s enough to convince a judge he hasn’t backed off.
What are your thoughts? I’ve tried to keep this private, but I’m so done. I’m exhausted. I’m tired of looking over my shoulder every time I’m at church. Is it wrong to tell everyone? That’s not something I want to do because people still gossip and I’ve seen scandals tear families and churches apart. But I’m running out of options. He’s fooling everyone and I feel like no one is doing enough to make it stop.
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