I'm in love with a mentally unwell man and don't know what to do

[DeeR.]

if she's not confident she can change a violent and emotionally volatile guy, why would she want to be with him?

you're confusing speculation with pattern recognition.

I'm not confusing anything. I am not claiming to practice psychology here or be an expert in pattern recognition. I am only saying that we need to stop bickering and let God lead her to sound advice without opinions speculation unjust judgements or slander.

 

[LisaluvsGod]

The best thing you can do for your friend is pray for him. Talk to God and listen to His direction. God would never want anyone to put themselves in harms way. You can't help him in any way if you have lost yourself in the process. I pray that your friend finds help, and resolutions for his issues. I also pray that you find peace in the chaos, but please take good care of you sister.

 

[DeeR.]

I've been in an online long distance relationship with this guy for almost half a year. I suspect he is BPD and it is wearing me down. We met on Reddit in April and messaged each other for months and later started texting each other. From the beginning I knew the guy was depressed, and I tried to help him sort through his thoughts because I am good at listening to people and giving them a chance to air out their feelings. Well after a while I started to develop feelings for him and we became really close despite never having met each other. He helped me a lot when I was going through a health crisis in the summer and I felt like I had found my soul mate. We have a lot in common and can sense when the other is feeling bad without saying anything.

At first I thought maybe he was just simply depressed. He had a really dysfunctional childhood with an emotionally abusive father and absent mother that were divorced. He was bullied and had a hard time fitting in. I also suspect his church religiously abused him because he feels like he deserves hell and is a bad person beyond repair. When he was in high school he wanted to commit suicide but never went through with it. It is a sad situation and my heart longs to comfort him and be a safe place for him, but I am wearing thin. I am realizing I cannot save him.

He has good days where he feels relatively okay, but then something will happen and suddenly his mood shifts from okay to severe depressive. He has a very low sense of self-worth and "hates" anyone who compliments him (have no idea how that thought process works). He refuses to believe he can ever be happy. He hates his parents and everyone in the world. A sweet old man gave him donuts at work one time and he complained to me how angry he was at him for doing so. It was bizarre. It's almost as if he wants to stay the way he is. I have suggested he go see a professional but he dodges the idea by claiming he will lose his job once people find out he is "crazy". He expects me to rescue him and I don't know what I have gotten myself into. We planned to meet each other after Christmas is over but now I am seriously wondering if that is even a good idea. I don't want to get mixed up with someone who is potentially abusive or will hurt me if I do something to tick him off.

But I do love this guy. On his good days he is funny and caring and very sweet. I hate how mental illness has taken hold of him and turned him into something he is not. But I can't let myself be weighed down by him. He is sucking the life out of me. Help!

By your title dear Jess, consider also the difference between God's Love and being In Love and being attached to someone with loving intentions. We are to fall/be in Love with that which is God and godlike.

 

[S.O.J.I.A.]

I am not claiming to practice psychology here or be an expert in pattern recognition.

you don't need to be an expert in psychology to know that a guy who suffers from severe depression, writes violent letters, goes into rages and breaks things, talks about how worthless he is and how much he hates life, and gets angry at people who attempt to show them kindness, is not someone you should be getting romantically involved with(yes these are all FACTS that the OP has stated about this guy here and in the past).

this is an easy one.

why are you defending this guy? do you know him?

 

[DeeR.]

The best thing you can do for your friend is pray for him. Talk to God and listen to His direction. God would never want anyone to put themselves in harms way. You can't help him in any way if you have lost yourself in the process. I pray that your friend finds help, and resolutions for his issues. I also pray that you find peace in the chaos, but please take good care of you sister.

Well said Lisa. and to you Jess, consider what Lisa is saying prayerfully. Contact her and ask her what you may need to woman believer to woman believer. I am sure she is willing to help. You could use a woman strong in the faith to guide you and help you.

 

[DeeR.]

you don't need to be an expert in psychology to know that a guy who suffers from severe depression, writes violent letters, goes into rages and breaks things, talks about how worthless he is and how much he hates life, and gets angry at people who attempt to show them kindness, is not someone you should be getting romantically involved with(yes these are all FACTS that the OP has stated about this guy here and in the past).

this is an easy one.

why are you defending this guy? do you know him?

You are not paying attention friend. All of that has already been established and addressed but without the added judgements and speculations and associations. Let's end this going back and forth now and let Lisa and some other Female believers help Jess in all of this. This is a sensitive topic and should have good female guidance one on one with her. Please stop saying whatever just comes in to your mind. You are causing confussion and discord. Be at Peace.

 

[pinkjess]

How can I distance myself from him easily so he doesn't get violent over me not wanting to be with him anymore? I'm scared to stop talking to him because 1. I'll be lonely (but I'll get over it), and 2. I don't know how he will respond:

 

[DeeR.]

How can I distance myself from him easily so he doesn't get violent over me not wanting to be with him anymore? I'm scared to stop talking to him because 1. I'll be lonely (but I'll get over it), and 2. I don't know how he will respond:

Practically create a support system at your local church you attend and make them aware of all the situations and concerns. Let family members who will be helpful know if there are any, but certainly your church family. If you need to file a report if you are in fear and When you have others on your side and aware to look out for you you can proceed to let him know that you have spoken with others and will keep him in prayer and they will help him get in contact with help if he needs to. Let him know, then, clearly that you do not want to continue like this. Ask Lisa and other strong believers for help wherever you can. Seek your church and maybe even Lisa could help you make a call and explain it to your church for you... (just a suggestion)

 

[S.O.J.I.A.]

Please stop saying whatever just comes in to your mind. You are causing confussion and discord. Be at Peace.

this is probably the only speculation, judgement, and association that has been made in this thread, all based on zero facts.

seriously, do you know this guy? you admitted that everything listed was factual so why are you defending him?

 

[DeeR.]

How can I distance myself from him easily so he doesn't get violent over me not wanting to be with him anymore? I'm scared to stop talking to him because 1. I'll be lonely (but I'll get over it), and 2. I don't know how he will respond:

You'll need to speak with someone about your relationship. Abused victims ( even if just in words or how you fell- it is still real) are often afraid to speak out about their abuser because they feel that they must protect their date or mate even if he or she is in the wrong. However, you must seek help. You can contact Focus on the Family at 1-800-A-FAMILY to speak with a licensed counselor and receive a free counseling referral for your area. Or, you may contact the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. If he loves you and God he will understand and respect you--- that is true love.

 

[S.O.J.I.A.]

How can I distance myself from him easily so he doesn't get violent over me not wanting to be with him anymore? I'm scared to stop talking to him because 1. I'll be lonely (but I'll get over it), and 2. I don't know how he will respond:

you are not fit to help this guy. you can pray for him, but you need to get other people involved in this and let them help him.

he's not beyond help, but it can't be from you.

 

[DeeR.]

this is probably the only speculation, judgement, and association that has been made in this thread, all based on zero facts.

seriously, do you know this guy? you admitted that everything listed was factual so why are you defending him?

Please stop The W

 

[pinkjess]

you are not fit to help this guy. you can pray for him, but you need to get other people involved in this and let them help him.

he's not beyond help, but it can't be from you.

I've messaged his mother and tried to get him to reach out to family and his church. Nothing ever gets done.

 

[DeeR.]

How can I distance myself from him easily so he doesn't get violent over me not wanting to be with him anymore? I'm scared to stop talking to him because 1. I'll be lonely (but I'll get over it), and 2. I don't know how he will respond:

Stop the conversations with him and no matter how much you may want to after that, do not answer back. Many things may be said or pleaded or even threatened but if it comes to his refusal to leave you alone respect your wishes or threats to himself or others get someone involved professionally and your church members (leaders).

 

[DeeR.]

I've messaged his mother and tried to get him to reach out to family and his church. Nothing ever gets done.

Not to him or his family. This is not about what you can do for him, but what you need to do for you. this separation is out of Love for God you and everyone.

 

[S.O.J.I.A.]

I've messaged his mother and tried to get him to reach out to family and his church. Nothing ever gets done.

then you've done the best you can and you need to leave it at that.

all in all you do not need to be romantically involved with this guy until he gets himself together. you also need to be dealing with your own issues of loneliness and inadequacy that would make you believe that being with a guy like this is the only way to be happy.

you can do better.

 

[pinkjess]

then you've done the best you can and you need to leave it at that.

all in all you do not need to be romantically involved with this guy until he gets himself together. you also need to be dealing with your own issues of loneliness and inadequacy that would make you believe that being with a guy like this is the only way to be happy.

you can do better.

Thank you.

 

[pinkjess]

The best thing you can do for your friend is pray for him. Talk to God and listen to His direction. God would never want anyone to put themselves in harms way. You can't help him in any way if you have lost yourself in the process. I pray that your friend finds help, and resolutions for his issues. I also pray that you find peace in the chaos, but please take good care of you sister.

Thank you so much

 

[Yarddog]

I've been in an online long distance relationship with this guy for almost half a year. I suspect he is BPD and it is wearing me down. We met on Reddit in April and messaged each other for months and later started texting each other. From the beginning I knew the guy was depressed, and I tried to help him sort through his thoughts because I am good at listening to people and giving them a chance to air out their feelings. Well after a while I started to develop feelings for him and we became really close despite never having met each other. He helped me a lot when I was going through a health crisis in the summer and I felt like I had found my soul mate. We have a lot in common and can sense when the other is feeling bad without saying anything.

At first I thought maybe he was just simply depressed. He had a really dysfunctional childhood with an emotionally abusive father and absent mother that were divorced. He was bullied and had a hard time fitting in. I also suspect his church religiously abused him because he feels like he deserves hell and is a bad person beyond repair. When he was in high school he wanted to commit suicide but never went through with it. It is a sad situation and my heart longs to comfort him and be a safe place for him, but I am wearing thin. I am realizing I cannot save him.

He has good days where he feels relatively okay, but then something will happen and suddenly his mood shifts from okay to severe depressive. He has a very low sense of self-worth and "hates" anyone who compliments him (have no idea how that thought process works). He refuses to believe he can ever be happy. He hates his parents and everyone in the world. A sweet old man gave him donuts at work one time and he complained to me how angry he was at him for doing so. It was bizarre. It's almost as if he wants to stay the way he is. I have suggested he go see a professional but he dodges the idea by claiming he will lose his job once people find out he is "crazy". He expects me to rescue him and I don't know what I have gotten myself into. We planned to meet each other after Christmas is over but now I am seriously wondering if that is even a good idea. I don't want to get mixed up with someone who is potentially abusive or will hurt me if I do something to tick him off.

But I do love this guy. On his good days he is funny and caring and very sweet. I hate how mental illness has taken hold of him and turned him into something he is not. But I can't let myself be weighed down by him. He is sucking the life out of me. Help!

Has he ever been psychologically examined by a professional? If not, try to get him to be evaluated before meeting with him. If he needs help, you can't give him what he needs. Cemeteries are full of women who got involved with those with psychological problems.

 

[LisaluvsGod]

I can relate more than you know. I married someone with NPD which is different yet my efforts were the same as yours. I entered the relationship attempting to save him when it wasn't my job too. It took constant prayer and waiting to hear from God for me to follow His direction and end the relationship. My marriage was emotionally and mentally abusive. Physical abuse was not an option. God will reveal to you exactly what your purpose is in this young man's life. Even if it's just being his prayer partner. I'm here if you ever need to talk. I love you in the name of Jesus Christ.