I've read the whole thread so far, and something no one has mentioned yet... you mean Borderline Personality Disorder, not Bipolar Disorder, right? As the thread went on, his problem sounds more like Borderline, and although "BPD" has been used as a short form of both disorders, Borderline is much more extreme, and harder to treat (personality disorders are the stickiest of mental illness issues). Medical websites like WebMD will have more information about both disorders - yet, we're not here to try to diagnose him ourselves. That's not for us to do (not even you, who might know him best of everyone here).
And this is the most important thing to consider. You can't go blaming yourself for not doing enough for him, when you're doing as much as you can handle, and especially if he's not even trying to help himself. You're not superhuman. (none of us are, far as I know
)
I'll just mention sideways there were entire nights I stayed awake, all but arguing, with a depressed person (not always the same one), while I was supposed to be doing coursework, believing that if I logged off, the person might have committed suicide. I probably should have told the person to call a hotline instead. Or logged off and forced them to deal with their own problems, refusing to let them blame me for any of it. Hindsight is always clearer.
I have to agree with this guy. Furthermore, I'm pretty sure an employer, although they might find out about a diagnosis somehow, is forbidden by law to discriminate against their employees (including potential employees) because of it. That includes firing them with their illness as a reason. They aren't even supposed to ask. So, if they do that, he could sue them for wrongful termination.
And that would be the sticking point. If he's solidly set against getting help, your hands are tied.
Unfortunately, sometimes online relationships work out when they become real life (like mine is, so far. <3 )... and sometimes they don't, and sometimes they can be dangerous. Sometimes relationships with people who suffer from mental illnesses can work out, and sometimes they don't, and sometimes they can be dangerous. Relationships between "normal people" can turn out each of these ways, too. The most important thing for you to consider is your own well-being. That means your safety, that means your mental health (being drained cannot be good for you), and that means that you might have to consider ways to get him the help he needs that don't involve the two of you meeting.
I know my husband wanted me to share tips about how to make it work with a person with a mental illness... but to be completely honest, I'm winging it over here. Every mental illness is different, even among the same diagnosis; and every person is different, so there could be no universal answer anyway. I can say, though, it's been much easier (and less draining, and less scary) since he's gone on medications. He told you the truth about that. And, I have
had to -- no,
chosen to give up some of my plans, and to put some others on the back burner. He had to change his approach to receiving treatment, which he only did after a particularly scary Episode (scary for both of us). And the two of us, individually and together, had to put an effort into seeking Jesus. Nobody's life is perfect on this earth, but we've actually gotten to a place where I'm happy to be here with him. You have to notice, the fact that it's working out for us, does not and cannot mean it will definitely work out for you. And notice, we both had to give up some of our prior ground. As long as he's refusing to seek treatment, and as long as he's given you reasons to be afraid of him, what is he doing to make it work?
I agree with everyone in the thread who said to pray for him. I also agree that if you're scared of him, you should put distance between the two of you. [Idea: maybe don't flat out say to him that you're backing off, just appear on whatever platform you're using to communicate less often, and if he sends you any threatening (self harm or harm to you) messages, forward them to his mom (you've mentioned having her contact info) or his local police if you think there's even a chance he means it.] If you're really scared of him, you should make it harder for him to contact you.
And remember that sometimes the things that are best for us will hurt in the short term. If you're feeling daring, remind
him of that fact as well, the next time you suggest mental health counseling to him (that taking a hit in the job department, then finding a job through one of the programs that JRichard68 mentioned, when he's become more stable, could be worth it in the long run).
Prayers,