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Featured I'm in love with a mentally unwell man and don't know what to do

Discussion in 'Requests for Christian Advice' started by pinkjess, Nov 18, 2018.

  1. pinkjess

    pinkjess There she goes...at the speed of sound

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    I've been in an online long distance relationship with this guy for almost half a year. I suspect he is BPD and it is wearing me down. We met on Reddit in April and messaged each other for months and later started texting each other. From the beginning I knew the guy was depressed, and I tried to help him sort through his thoughts because I am good at listening to people and giving them a chance to air out their feelings. Well after a while I started to develop feelings for him and we became really close despite never having met each other. He helped me a lot when I was going through a health crisis in the summer and I felt like I had found my soul mate. We have a lot in common and can sense when the other is feeling bad without saying anything.

    At first I thought maybe he was just simply depressed. He had a really dysfunctional childhood with an emotionally abusive father and absent mother that were divorced. He was bullied and had a hard time fitting in. I also suspect his church religiously abused him because he feels like he deserves hell and is a bad person beyond repair. When he was in high school he wanted to commit suicide but never went through with it. It is a sad situation and my heart longs to comfort him and be a safe place for him, but I am wearing thin. I am realizing I cannot save him.

    He has good days where he feels relatively okay, but then something will happen and suddenly his mood shifts from okay to severe depressive. He has a very low sense of self-worth and "hates" anyone who compliments him (have no idea how that thought process works). He refuses to believe he can ever be happy. He hates his parents and everyone in the world. A sweet old man gave him donuts at work one time and he complained to me how angry he was at him for doing so. It was bizarre. It's almost as if he wants to stay the way he is. I have suggested he go see a professional but he dodges the idea by claiming he will lose his job once people find out he is "crazy". He expects me to rescue him and I don't know what I have gotten myself into. We planned to meet each other after Christmas is over but now I am seriously wondering if that is even a good idea. I don't want to get mixed up with someone who is potentially abusive or will hurt me if I do something to tick him off.

    But I do love this guy. On his good days he is funny and caring and very sweet. I hate how mental illness has taken hold of him and turned him into something he is not. But I can't let myself be weighed down by him. He is sucking the life out of me. Help!
     
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  2. NothingIsImpossible

    NothingIsImpossible Well-Known Member

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    I never want to sound cold as if people with BPD should be alone or something. But if your feeling like your battery is drained (so to speak) maybe you shouldn't proceed any further. Imagine how much more you will be drained when living together as a married couple. Again, not saying BPD people aren't allowed to be with someone. Just saying the other person needs to realize its MAJOR work.

    Knowing a few people married to BPD people, some have left their spouse. The others are still together but the spouse is always struggling. Its takes someone with massive strength to deal with things of this nature. I did also date someone with it and when we started getting together in person (sinfully sadly) I was so stressed that I almost felt relieved when we were apart. I'm glad we didn't work out because its was just beyond to hard for me.
     
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  3. Kenny'sID

    Kenny'sID Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Good that you found out now, before it's too late.

    It's all a matter of are you willing or not, or are you strong enough to even think about being willing. Even more, do you want too, even if you feel you can.

    I feel for the guy, I really do, but are we going to end up with two miserable people here if you follow through?
     
  4. seeking.IAM

    seeking.IAM Episcopalian Supporter

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    It's an error to enter a relationship with the expectation you can change your partner. You can't and you won't. If it creates stress for you in a distance-relationship, imagine how much more stressful it will be if you occupy the same space. Best wishes to you in any case.
     
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  5. DeeR.

    DeeR. Counselor by trade Christian by life.

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    Obedience is better than sacrifice, as the Lord has said. He instructs us to not be unevenly yoked/joined to others. Whether it is to unbelievers (not at all in relation) or those believers caught in sins (not in association until they repent)we are not to join our presence, time, fellowship or any such thing. If he needs to be set free from these things pray always separate yourself wholly, and God will send him male companionship or helpers in Jesus who can bring him healing if he allows God to. He is not in a position to be in a relationship and whether he wants it or agrees you must do what is right in the eyes of God. You are not responsible for his salvation or healing, God is and has ways to help him. God knows his heart and will not abandon him if he opens his heart. Peace to you.
     
  6. pinkjess

    pinkjess There she goes...at the speed of sound

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    You know, I've asked myself the same things and honestly I'm not sure. I feel like i could handle it if he decides to take responsibility and seeks professional help. But with his mood swings, I'm worried things will turn violent someday
     
  7. S.O.J.I.A.

    S.O.J.I.A. Dynamic UNO

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    ted bundy on his good days was funny and caring and sweet.

    how do you think he was able to be with so many women?
     
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  8. DeeR.

    DeeR. Counselor by trade Christian by life.

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    Ask yourself this... Is that what God's will and instructions are, or what you desire?
     
  9. pinkjess

    pinkjess There she goes...at the speed of sound

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    I don't know yet
     
  10. DeeR.

    DeeR. Counselor by trade Christian by life.

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    unnecessary
     
  11. DeeR.

    DeeR. Counselor by trade Christian by life.

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    :) Read His will and submit your heart, desires and trust to Him and when you hear do not be afraid to obey. My prayers and God's peace and protection surround you and fill you in His wisdom. It will not always feel easy or pleasant but following and trusting Him will never disappoint the heart devoted to Him.

    Proverbs 22:24-25
    First Corinthians 15:33
     
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2018
  12. pinkjess

    pinkjess There she goes...at the speed of sound

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    Thank you ❤
     
  13. S.O.J.I.A.

    S.O.J.I.A. Dynamic UNO

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    necessary and applicable

    this guy fits the MO of most of the recent mass shooters and she wants to be with this guy.

    she's grown and she can do what she wants, but this is how guys like this get girls like this. they prey on those who are dealing with loneliness and are emotionally vulnerable. they play nice and give these people good feelings they usually don't get and at that point they have their hooks in them.

    she's willfully walking into a trap because having an abusive and volatile man is better than no man at all and she thinks she can change this guy from what he is.

    nevertheless, if these are the types of guys she's into, who are we to tell how to live her life?
     
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  14. DeeR.

    DeeR. Counselor by trade Christian by life.

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    You are going too far. You do not know what she is doing in her heart or who this man is or his motives. The only points to be addressed here are the facts... Seek God and His will and Word in your heart and certainly pay attention to the signs that are clear by separating from what God says to separate from. Of course she needs to be careful and not be deceived or manipulated or even falsely guilty for leaving him in God's hands, however, there is a way to teach and instruct. I am sorry but Ted Bundy never showed signs of these things, where the guy you are comparing him to is in such a clear struggle and in need of mental /spiritual help. Comparing him to Ted Bundy is ridiculous. Leave the judgements and comparisons to those who are better qualified. I see you are trying to help, but tread lightly and pray to see if it God's will for you to speak or to let God use someone else. Women who are afraid abused or in fear do not need men counseling them in such a manner if at all.
     
    Last edited: Nov 19, 2018
  15. Kenny'sID

    Kenny'sID Well-Known Member Supporter

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    I didn't even think about that but yes, violence is a whole nother level, and if you are getting indication of that, definitely think twice before you make any serious moves.
     
  16. S.O.J.I.A.

    S.O.J.I.A. Dynamic UNO

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    this thread is actually a follow up to a thread this young lady made some months back about this same guy. he wrote up a letter that sounded very similar to manifestos by mass shooters in this country.

    so actually I am sticking to the facts. at the end of the day though, no on can force this young lady to make one decision or the other. no matter what any of us say, ultimately she has to decide for herself.
     
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  17. DeeR.

    DeeR. Counselor by trade Christian by life.

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    She never said she thinks she can change him, though I am sure she hopes he can and will. She may see a good desire in his heart rather than what you suggest. None-the-less, I already wrote her about what I believe God encourages her and says for her to do. The speculations are unnecessary.
     
  18. DeeR.

    DeeR. Counselor by trade Christian by life.

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    If you are not married I would certainly point you to the scriptures I originally gave you and the original message.
     
  19. S.O.J.I.A.

    S.O.J.I.A. Dynamic UNO

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    if she's not confident she can change a violent and emotionally volatile guy, why would she want to be with him?

    you're confusing speculation with pattern recognition.
     
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  20. DeeR.

    DeeR. Counselor by trade Christian by life.

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    Yes that is true she must decide herself and seek God's will. About planting seeds in someone's mind that you associate this guy with Ted Bundy and writing like a manifesto or such seems to be helpful but is going beyond what the facts are.
     
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