I'm in love with a mentally unwell man and don't know what to do

[pinkjess]

Dee I know your intentions are good, but a woman is most likely to be murdered by a man who has claimed to love her. This man sounds dangerous. He does have some of the same characteristics of mass shooters. Most likely he is not one. But he says he hates people! He hates kindness in others! He is antisocial and there is nothing positive that can come out of a relationship with someone like that.

I def agree with you. It's why I'm scared of what I have gotten myself into.

 

[Bruce Leiter]

I've been in an online long distance relationship with this guy for almost half a year. I suspect he is BPD and it is wearing me down. We met on Reddit in April and messaged each other for months and later started texting each other. From the beginning I knew the guy was depressed, and I tried to help him sort through his thoughts because I am good at listening to people and giving them a chance to air out their feelings. Well after a while I started to develop feelings for him and we became really close despite never having met each other. He helped me a lot when I was going through a health crisis in the summer and I felt like I had found my soul mate. We have a lot in common and can sense when the other is feeling bad without saying anything.

At first I thought maybe he was just simply depressed. He had a really dysfunctional childhood with an emotionally abusive father and absent mother that were divorced. He was bullied and had a hard time fitting in. I also suspect his church religiously abused him because he feels like he deserves hell and is a bad person beyond repair. When he was in high school he wanted to commit suicide but never went through with it. It is a sad situation and my heart longs to comfort him and be a safe place for him, but I am wearing thin. I am realizing I cannot save him.

He has good days where he feels relatively okay, but then something will happen and suddenly his mood shifts from okay to severe depressive. He has a very low sense of self-worth and "hates" anyone who compliments him (have no idea how that thought process works). He refuses to believe he can ever be happy. He hates his parents and everyone in the world. A sweet old man gave him donuts at work one time and he complained to me how angry he was at him for doing so. It was bizarre. It's almost as if he wants to stay the way he is. I have suggested he go see a professional but he dodges the idea by claiming he will lose his job once people find out he is "crazy". He expects me to rescue him and I don't know what I have gotten myself into. We planned to meet each other after Christmas is over but now I am seriously wondering if that is even a good idea. I don't want to get mixed up with someone who is potentially abusive or will hurt me if I do something to tick him off.

But I do love this guy. On his good days he is funny and caring and very sweet. I hate how mental illness has taken hold of him and turned him into something he is not. But I can't let myself be weighed down by him. He is sucking the life out of me. Help!

I've been in an online long distance relationship with this guy for almost half a year. I suspect he is BPD and it is wearing me down. We met on Reddit in April and messaged each other for months and later started texting each other. From the beginning I knew the guy was depressed, and I tried to help him sort through his thoughts because I am good at listening to people and giving them a chance to air out their feelings. Well after a while I started to develop feelings for him and we became really close despite never having met each other. He helped me a lot when I was going through a health crisis in the summer and I felt like I had found my soul mate. We have a lot in common and can sense when the other is feeling bad without saying anything.

At first I thought maybe he was just simply depressed. He had a really dysfunctional childhood with an emotionally abusive father and absent mother that were divorced. He was bullied and had a hard time fitting in. I also suspect his church religiously abused him because he feels like he deserves hell and is a bad person beyond repair. When he was in high school he wanted to commit suicide but never went through with it. It is a sad situation and my heart longs to comfort him and be a safe place for him, but I am wearing thin. I am realizing I cannot save him.

He has good days where he feels relatively okay, but then something will happen and suddenly his mood shifts from okay to severe depressive. He has a very low sense of self-worth and "hates" anyone who compliments him (have no idea how that thought process works). He refuses to believe he can ever be happy. He hates his parents and everyone in the world. A sweet old man gave him donuts at work one time and he complained to me how angry he was at him for doing so. It was bizarre. It's almost as if he wants to stay the way he is. I have suggested he go see a professional but he dodges the idea by claiming he will lose his job once people find out he is "crazy". He expects me to rescue him and I don't know what I have gotten myself into. We planned to meet each other after Christmas is over but now I am seriously wondering if that is even a good idea. I don't want to get mixed up with someone who is potentially abusive or will hurt me if I do something to tick him off.

But I do love this guy. On his good days he is funny and caring and very sweet. I hate how mental illness has taken hold of him and turned him into something he is not. But I can't let myself be weighed down by him. He is sucking the life out of me. Help!

I completely understand your boyfriend's and your situation. I was a full-time pastor in the early years of my ministry when I experienced seven years of major depression. It was like sinking into a deep hole. However, I didn't know it was depression because my anger at my dysfunctional family, the loss of our second child through leukemia, and church people's sinful actions was buried in my unconscious mind. God guided me into a medical retirement and to psychological help to get me in touch with my anger at him and people.

He taught me a biblical pattern that is not in our culture and of which I had no models except Job, David, Jeremiah, Moses, and prophets like Habakkuk. God broke through when I read a book about anger with a chapter on anger at God. I began to lament, that is, express my anger to God focusing on him in faith while pouring out my extreme grief about all emotional junk I was carrying around for 43 years. It took 7 1/2 months of lamenting 3 or 4 times a week before my depression left for almost 32 years now. After another month, God gave me peace instead of anger (Philippians 4:6,7).

Please suggest persistently that your friend get someone's psychological help to unearth all of his anger and anxiety. People will understand if he's open and honest about it. Then, suggest that he read the Book of Job, the Psalms, and Jeremiah's book and lamentations. Remember that even Paul lamented his "thorn in the flesh" three times (2 Corinthians 12:1-10) and that Jesus quoted Psalm 22:1 on the cross as a lament about being surrounded by his enemies the way David was.

You're correct to say that depression is an illness, and like any disease, it needs professional help. One note: Suggest that he find a therapist who will help him delve into his unconscious instead of therapies that merely try to change his behavior (behavioral science).

You might also give him for Christmas my first book that describes my dramatic experiences

in a Christian mental hospital​

and my unusual reasons for believing in God, Doubtbusters! God Is My Shrink! that I share with two fictional skeptics. It's available on Amazon.com. I'll put you and him on my daily prayer list. May the Lord bless you.

Retired Pastor Bruce Leiter the Writer.

 

[JRichard68]

By calling his problem a "mental illness," you make him merely a victim, a person who isn't responsible for his behaviour and attitudes. Such a lack of personal responsibility encourages and enables his pathological selfishness, however. You can bet God isn't going to let him use the "mental illness" card on Judgment Day to excuse his awful living. And you shouldn't let him do so, either. Really, you should get yourself as far away from this fellow as possible and find a man who loves Christ and is living for him. Of course, such a man will be looking for a woman who is the same. Are you such a woman? I hope so.

Mental illness isn't a "card" (!) but a reality for many people. i hope some day we are past this silly and biased notion. However, as I noted, personal responsibility does rest with him to be proactive and do something about it - not make the OP the responsible one for his healing.

 

[pinkjess]

I completely understand your boyfriend's and your situation. I was a full-time pastor in the early years of my ministry when I experienced seven years of major depression. It was like sinking into a deep hole. However, I didn't know it was depression because my anger at my dysfunctional family, the loss of our second child through leukemia, and church people's sinful actions was buried in my unconscious mind. God guided me into a medical retirement and to psychological help to get me in touch with my anger at him and people.

He taught me a biblical pattern that is not in our culture and of which I had no models except Job, David, Jeremiah, Moses, and prophets like Habakkuk. God broke through when I read a book about anger with a chapter on anger at God. I began to lament, that is, express my anger to God focusing on him in faith while pouring out my extreme grief about all emotional junk I was carrying around for 43 years. It took 7 1/2 months of lamenting 3 or 4 times a week before my depression left for almost 32 years now. After another month, God gave me peace instead of anger (Philippians 4:6,7).

Please suggest persistently that your friend get someone's psychological help to unearth all of his anger and anxiety. People will understand if he's open and honest about it. Then, suggest that he read the Book of Job, the Psalms, and Jeremiah's book and lamentations. Remember that even Paul lamented his "thorn in the flesh" three times (2 Corinthians 12:1-10) and that Jesus quoted Psalm 22:1 on the cross as a lament about being surrounded by his enemies the way David was.

You're correct to say that depression is an illness, and like any disease, it needs professional help. One note: Suggest that he find a therapist who will help him delve into his unconscious instead of therapies that merely try to change his behavior (behavioral science).

You might also give him for Christmas my first book that describes my dramatic experiences

in a Christian mental hospital​

and my unusual reasons for believing in God, Doubtbusters! God Is My Shrink! that I share with two fictional skeptics. It's available on Amazon.com. I'll put you and him on my daily prayer list. May the Lord bless you.

Retired Pastor Bruce Leiter the Writer.

Thank you sooo much!

The thing is, I've told him therapy would help him so much but he thinks once he gets that kind of help it will go on his record and prevent him from getting a good job. Like employers will discriminate against him when they learn he has a mental health issue.

 

[DeeR.]

Dee I know your intentions are good, but a woman is most likely to be murdered by a man who has claimed to love her. This man sounds dangerous. He does have some of the same characteristics of mass shooters. Most likely he is not one. But he says he hates people! He hates kindness in others! He is antisocial and there is nothing positive that can come out of a relationship with someone like that.

You are out of line. I have been a Counselor with a Master's degree for many years now and have actually counseled women and been a victim myself. You have no clue what you are saying.
First of all I am the one, if you would read more, ,that counseled her to avoid him get help and tell people establishing a support system. Secondly, the reason you should not be speaking with an abuse victim is that you are saying terrifying things that may or may not be true, and an abused/ threatened woman does not need further fear as a motivator... leave you statistics and comments out and let those trained to help (specifically women), help. She has already been instructed what to do without all the speculations and such.

 

[Sparagmos]

Thank you sooo much!

The thing is, I've told him therapy would help him so much but he thinks once he gets that kind of help it will go on his record and prevent him from getting a good job. Like employers will discriminate against him when they learn he has a mental health issue.

It is against the law for a person’s medical records to be released without their permission, especially to an employer or potential employer. This sounds like an excuse.

 

[DeeR.]

Thank you sooo much!

The thing is, I've told him therapy would help him so much but he thinks once he gets that kind of help it will go on his record and prevent him from getting a good job. Like employers will discriminate against him when they learn he has a mental health issue.

It is very good advice, Pastor, with the exception that she doesn't need to have contact in any form with him, like that or otherwise. As a victim of abuse she needs to get safe by contacting people in a support system and end the contact. As a licensed Counselor who has directly worked with female victims of abuse contact is not to be continued. Also Cognitive Behavioral Therapy as well as interpersonal therapy, and psychodynamic therapy and some new all work together in treating depression

 

[JRichard68]

Thank you sooo much!

The thing is, I've told him therapy would help him so much but he thinks once he gets that kind of help it will go on his record and prevent him from getting a good job. Like employers will discriminate against him when they learn he has a mental health issue.

Of course, you know this isn't true (and I suspect he might as well), but it's another road-block. There are, in fact, specific programs that will assist people in his situation with getting trained for jobs. However, if you tell him that, it'll only bring another response as to why that won't work either. Positivity and problem solving rarely works for one who has no interest in solving the problem until the balance ultimately tips in the direction of inaction becoming too much to handle.

 

[DeeR.]

It is against the law for a person’s medical records to be released without their permission, especially to an employer or potential employer. This sounds like an excuse.

Actually, by law it is not. If a court case is brought against an individual, even a workman's comp case, it can be used in court. There are exceptions to many rules. I am speaking from direct experience in a past injury case.

 

[Sparagmos]

I def agree with you. It's why I'm scared of what I have gotten myself into.

Can you cut off contact and change your phone number so that he can’t reach you?

 

[Sparagmos]

Actually, by law it is not. If a court case is brought against an individual, even a workman's comp case, it can be used in court. There are exceptions to many rules. I am speaking from direct experience in a past injury case.

I’m sorry I should have said “with some exceptions.”

 

[Sparagmos]

You are out of line. I have been a Counselor with a Master's degree for many years now and have actually counseled women and been a victim myself. You have no clue what you are saying.
First of all I am the one, if you would read more, ,that counseled her to avoid him get help and tell people establishing a support system. Secondly, the reason you should not be speaking with an abuse victim is that you are saying terrifying things that may or may not be true, and an abused/ threatened woman does not need further fear as a motivator... leave you statistics and comments out and let those trained to help (specifically women), help. She has already been instructed what to do without all the speculations and such.

Dee, I think there is some truth in what you say. I wish you had said that originally, shared your expertise rather than tell others they were wrong with little explanation. A lot of counselors would take issue with telling a woman in such a situation to listen with her heart for god’s wisdom. There are different schools of thought and perspectives.

 

[DeeR.]

I completely understand your boyfriend's and your situation. I was a full-time pastor in the early years of my ministry when I experienced seven years of major depression. It was like sinking into a deep hole. However, I didn't know it was depression because my anger at my dysfunctional family, the loss of our second child through leukemia, and church people's sinful actions was buried in my unconscious mind. God guided me into a medical retirement and to psychological help to get me in touch with my anger at him and people.

He taught me a biblical pattern that is not in our culture and of which I had no models except Job, David, Jeremiah, Moses, and prophets like Habakkuk. God broke through when I read a book about anger with a chapter on anger at God. I began to lament, that is, express my anger to God focusing on him in faith while pouring out my extreme grief about all emotional junk I was carrying around for 43 years. It took 7 1/2 months of lamenting 3 or 4 times a week before my depression left for almost 32 years now. After another month, God gave me peace instead of anger (Philippians 4:6,7).

Please suggest persistently that your friend get someone's psychological help to unearth all of his anger and anxiety. People will understand if he's open and honest about it. Then, suggest that he read the Book of Job, the Psalms, and Jeremiah's book and lamentations. Remember that even Paul lamented his "thorn in the flesh" three times (2 Corinthians 12:1-10) and that Jesus quoted Psalm 22:1 on the cross as a lament about being surrounded by his enemies the way David was.

You're correct to say that depression is an illness, and like any disease, it needs professional help. One note: Suggest that he find a therapist who will help him delve into his unconscious instead of therapies that merely try to change his behavior (behavioral science).

You might also give him for Christmas my first book that describes my dramatic experiences

in a Christian mental hospital​

and my unusual reasons for believing in God, Doubtbusters! God Is My Shrink! that I share with two fictional skeptics. It's available on Amazon.com. I'll put you and him on my daily prayer list. May the Lord bless you.

Retired Pastor Bruce Leiter the Writer.

It is very good advice, Pastor, with the exception that she doesn't need to have contact in any form with him, like that or otherwise. As a victim of abuse she needs to get safe by contacting people in a support system and end the contact. As a licensed Counselor who has directly worked with female victims of abuse contact is not to be continued. Also Cognitive Behavioral Therapy as well as interpersonal therapy, and psychodynamic therapy and some new all work together in treating depression.

 

[DeeR.]

Dee, I think there is some truth in what you say. I wish you had said that originally, shared your expertise rather than tell others they were wrong with little explanation. A lot of counselors would take issue with telling a woman in such a situation to listen with her heart for god’s wisdom. There are different schools of thought and perspectives.

I could have lead with that, however, I do not like promoting "online claims of credentials" very often. It leads to others doing that with nothing to substantiate their claims which confuses people. I was not intending to merely say anyone was wrong or offend anyone. I just want her to get the right help, she is the main issue and concern in all of this, not her helping him, her helping herself and getting people surrounding her that will be watchful and protective of her with good Christian/ and Professional help... even the police if need be ( any more threats to himself her or others , not respecting no contact, or any other violations). People do not realize this but they can be held liable for misguiding & giving wrong advice to an abuse victim.

 

[pinkjess]

It is against the law for a person’s medical records to be released without their permission, especially to an employer or potential employer. This sounds like an excuse.

I think so too. One of his relatives got taken to a mental health hospital against their will and he's scared that will happen to him too

 

[DeeR.]

I think so too. One of his relatives got taken to a mental health hospital against their will and he's scared that will happen to him too

Please dear, take it from someone who really knows and has experienced these things and been involved in the fight against it. It seems easy to look to men right now to fill that loss, but you should seek advice from Professional women in this and be strong. Give thought to yourself right now and do not be concerned with what he needs, but with what you need. He has the almighty God watching out for his entire life beginning to end. He will be in God's hands. Focus on your safety and healing with help from strong women involved in these matters. (Christian if at all possible, but get the law involved without hesitation if needs be). If it doesn't end, and completely, it will likely continue on & progress.

 

[pinkjess]

Please dear, take it from someone who really knows and has experienced these things and been involved in the fight against it. It seems easy to look to men right now to fill that loss, but you should seek advice from Professional women in this and be strong. Give thought to yourself right now and do not be concerned with what he needs, but with what you need. He has the almighty God watching out for his entire life beginning to end. He will be in God's hands. Focus on your safety and healing with help from strong women involved in these matters. (Christian if at all possible, but get the law involved without hesitation if needs be). If it doesn't end, and completely, it will likely continue on & progress.

Thank you. I hate to break his heart but i can't put myself in harm's way

 

[DeeR.]

Thank you. I hate to break his heart but i can't put myself in harm's way

That is the right mentality. Do not allow any more contact I plead with you not if he pleads cries threatens to harm himself or anything. Trust that God is involved with ever person and nothing happens apart from his authority whether good or bad, he is God's responsibility, not yours. You sound strong in God, now determine in your heart you will trust and follow Him in this no matter what... and let others know in the church and everywhere you can.

 

[Neostarwcc]

I think so too. One of his relatives got taken to a mental health hospital against their will and he's scared that will happen to him too

Mental hospitals are scarier than they actually are. I've been hospitalized twice. Once because I had a massive episode that caused me to completely lose it and that time it was against my will. And I was angry at my wife for sending me at first but once I spent a week there it wasn't so bad (its just lonely there) and I was so far out of control that she had no choice.

The second time I went on my own free will because I was suicidal. I left voluntarily the next day.

 

[Katya123]

I've been in an online long distance relationship with this guy for almost half a year. I suspect he is BPD and it is wearing me down. We met on Reddit in April and messaged each other for months and later started texting each other. From the beginning I knew the guy was depressed, and I tried to help him sort through his thoughts because I am good at listening to people and giving them a chance to air out their feelings. Well after a while I started to develop feelings for him and we became really close despite never having met each other. He helped me a lot when I was going through a health crisis in the summer and I felt like I had found my soul mate. We have a lot in common and can sense when the other is feeling bad without saying anything.

At first I thought maybe he was just simply depressed. He had a really dysfunctional childhood with an emotionally abusive father and absent mother that were divorced. He was bullied and had a hard time fitting in. I also suspect his church religiously abused him because he feels like he deserves hell and is a bad person beyond repair. When he was in high school he wanted to commit suicide but never went through with it. It is a sad situation and my heart longs to comfort him and be a safe place for him, but I am wearing thin. I am realizing I cannot save him.

He has good days where he feels relatively okay, but then something will happen and suddenly his mood shifts from okay to severe depressive. He has a very low sense of self-worth and "hates" anyone who compliments him (have no idea how that thought process works). He refuses to believe he can ever be happy. He hates his parents and everyone in the world. A sweet old man gave him donuts at work one time and he complained to me how angry he was at him for doing so. It was bizarre. It's almost as if he wants to stay the way he is. I have suggested he go see a professional but he dodges the idea by claiming he will lose his job once people find out he is "crazy". He expects me to rescue him and I don't know what I have gotten myself into. We planned to meet each other after Christmas is over but now I am seriously wondering if that is even a good idea. I don't want to get mixed up with someone who is potentially abusive or will hurt me if I do something to tick him off.

But I do love this guy. On his good days he is funny and caring and very sweet. I hate how mental illness has taken hold of him and turned him into something he is not. But I can't let myself be weighed down by him. He is sucking the life out of me. Help!

I've been in an online long distance relationship with this guy for almost half a year. I suspect he is BPD and it is wearing me down. We met on Reddit in April and messaged each other for months and later started texting each other. From the beginning I knew the guy was depressed, and I tried to help him sort through his thoughts because I am good at listening to people and giving them a chance to air out their feelings. Well after a while I started to develop feelings for him and we became really close despite never having met each other. He helped me a lot when I was going through a health crisis in the summer and I felt like I had found my soul mate. We have a lot in common and can sense when the other is feeling bad without saying anything.

At first I thought maybe he was just simply depressed. He had a really dysfunctional childhood with an emotionally abusive father and absent mother that were divorced. He was bullied and had a hard time fitting in. I also suspect his church religiously abused him because he feels like he deserves hell and is a bad person beyond repair. When he was in high school he wanted to commit suicide but never went through with it. It is a sad situation and my heart longs to comfort him and be a safe place for him, but I am wearing thin. I am realizing I cannot save him.

He has good days where he feels relatively okay, but then something will happen and suddenly his mood shifts from okay to severe depressive. He has a very low sense of self-worth and "hates" anyone who compliments him (have no idea how that thought process works). He refuses to believe he can ever be happy. He hates his parents and everyone in the world. A sweet old man gave him donuts at work one time and he complained to me how angry he was at him for doing so. It was bizarre. It's almost as if he wants to stay the way he is. I have suggested he go see a professional but he dodges the idea by claiming he will lose his job once people find out he is "crazy". He expects me to rescue him and I don't know what I have gotten myself into. We planned to meet each other after Christmas is over but now I am seriously wondering if that is even a good idea. I don't want to get mixed up with someone who is potentially abusive or will hurt me if I do something to tick him off.

But I do love this guy. On his good days he is funny and caring and very sweet. I hate how mental illness has taken hold of him and turned him into something he is not. But I can't let myself be weighed down by him. He is sucking the life out of me. Help!