I need help please. My grandson who is 13 wants me to call him Nova - not Noah - anymore and to use pronouns like they/them when I am talking to him. I told his mom no. She supports him 100%. She is not a Christian. He went to church with me for 10 years or more and then decided he did not want to go anymore. That was fine. I understood. Do I call him those names now? I told them no and I was adamant but I dont know what to do now - as I have pushed them away. Our daughter holds us a grudge too for the past and seems very angry with us. Im at a loss now. Please help me with advice.
it's a tough choice but I think with families you have more liberties with these things. Let's remove sexual/gender identity and your grandson came to you and said he wants to be called Axe now because he thinks its cooler. his goal is getting a cooler identity and as a grandparent, I believe you can have a relationship that says that your fondest memories of him is of Noah not another name, that's what your parents called you when you were born and that's the boy I fell in love with and will continue to love and continue to call Noah. As a grandparent, I think this is something you can probably pull rank in but still demonstrate love.
"Nova" means "new" in Latin and it is uniquely the feminine singular form of the adjective. "Novus" would be the masculine and "Novum" would be the gender-neutral form. I don't know how much he understands of the word but you could play with his logic a little saying if you really want to be gender-neutral than Novum is what you should be called as Nova is a girl's name (I doubt he would want to be called Novum) then say either way I'm still going to call you "Noah". This may affirm with him some understanding in what he desires and that you've thought about it (because it's important to you) without actually compromising in the end. You can look more about the Latin
here.
You could also emphasize the meaning behind Noah which is a Hebrew name meaning "rest or comfort" and try and positively play with the meaning indicating that he is rest and comfort to you and it is the rest and comfort you will always love.
The key is building an identity of love behind his name that you call him Noah not because of defiance of who he is but because of love of who he is. Grandparents get away with calling their grandkids all kinds of nicknames no one else could say so I would perhaps at least play with that and make a deal with him that it is out of love not disrespect. Maybe even introduce the idea of calling you a different name and if he objects then you can affirm with him it's that same desire that you want to call us "grandma/grandpa" (or whatever he calls you) and not change this that we want to call you Noah.
For some reason, he is desiring a gender-neutral identity and I think broadly speaking this is fine such as if he doesn't identify with cliche male things like sports, guns, cars, etc... You can affirm with him there is nothing wrong with the way he sees the world and if he doesn't gravitate to cliche male dominate things it doesn't mean he is not a male it means he is unique and interesting but at 13 he will only see the differences. You can use this to affirm with him that his name also doesn't carry these meanings of what he should or should not be like. I wouldn't go into sexuality and I'm not suggesting approving of same-sex attractions but I think at that age he maybe is making choices like these because he doesn't fit the male mould and you can show him there is no such thing as a male mould, only the mould that God made. You need to be careful he doesn't interpret this as sexual liberty to like who he wants but keep it to broader gender identity like his favourite colour or favourite things to do (within reason). For example, let's say he loves baking but recognizes this is not a "boy thing" then take those opportunities to affirm these things and that they have nothing to do with him being a boy but are amazing qualities about him that you don't want to be changed (you have to figure out where the line is if he likes wearing dresses and putting on makeup you might not want to affirm these things). If he becomes secure in his own identity, not an invented identity (I'm making a lot of assumptions as to why he feels the way he does) he will probably make better choices in the future and gravitate to more healthy attractions with the opposite sex rather than possibly same-sex attractions which he may be rejecting internally but the more "Nova" continues same-sex attractions may start to make sense.
we are not born with sexual motivations so we are neither gay nor straight when we are born. we are born male/female. sexual motivates develop from environment and behaviour and will emerge during puberty. He's 13 and these things are hitting his mind of who he should be attracted to and who he should not be. These are the moments that shape his sexuality and you can help him navigate it more healthy understanding that labels don't make us male/female. I don't wake up and choose to be straight I just am straight and I can't change that. I'm an adult, married with kids and I've developed into the attractions I have, they developed when I was 11, 12, 13, 14 etc... and the older I got the more this identity was cemented in. You're grandson may be making a mould for himself but he's still wet cement and I would say nothing is set but over the years the path he chooses today will define who he is tomorrow. You can't control this but you can help him make better choices about who he is.