I am very sure that I received a call from God. They way He orchestrated life events to get me to build my faith were just amazing. It's such a beautiful experience. I was in direct communion with God for a long time and he taught me a lot and put me through trials which were orchestrated perfectly.
Yes and that's the point I was trying to get across.
Whatever outsiders may think about your experience, you are the one who received it and were in it.
Hold onto that - God communicated with you and called you.
Also, I know I have probably committed the unforgivable sin because I don't actually fear having done so. My efforts to reconcile with God are all in vain because the will to do so is not legit. My heart is darkened to the fullest and there's no way I can return to Him.
It depends on what you believe the unforgiveable sin to be.
Jesus spoke of this sin after some Pharisees said that the miracles that Jesus was performing in the power of the Spirit, were from Satan. In other words, if you see/hear/experience something which you KNOW is from God, but instead give the devil the credit for it, that is blasphemy against the Holy Spirit and will not be forgiven.
A vicar once told us that the unforgiveable sin is one that you don't admit to, confess and seek forgiveness for. If you know that you have done wrong and want to be forgiven - and I think you do, or you would not have written this thread and told us so much personal stuff - then you can be. IF you admit it to God, ask for help and forgiveness, and then thank him for sending Jesus to forgive you.
I know it's possible to read testimonies from other people who say "I FELT such joy/peace/happiness" etc, and then believe that if you don't feel those things then you aren't forgiven - but that is not so.
My heart is darkened to the fullest and there's no way I can return to Him.
I think the fact that you are even thinking/writing about returning to him is a sign of hope. If your heart was darkened I'm quite sure you'd be cursing God, instead of writing about a beautiful, God given experience.
You chose to write a post and put it onto a Christian forum.
You identify your faith as Christian. Unless you have not read the rules of these forums and are making an assumption, that implies that you believe the Nicene creed and that Jesus was God. Even if you don't believe these things, there must be some reason you identify yourself as Christian and chose a Christian forum to ask your questions.
Don't worry about
feeling numb etc - I'm sure the devil wants to keep you like this so that you won't ask for help/try to find God.
I have already found peace in dying without Christ.
I'm sure the devil wants you to believe that as well.
If your mind is numb and messed up, and you believe your heart is darkened now, imagine how it would be to feel like that that for all eternity. Even worse, by then you will have seen God face to face, and KNOW that you could have been forgiven if you'd asked.
Perhaps I can be forgiven at the Day of Judgement, because all of this was just a huge mistake made by a silly 20 year old.
That's exactly it - and you already know and have admitted it.
God knows your heart, and he knows, and understands, why you said and did those things.
But the day of judgement will be too late to repent. If you carry on as you are, then on the day of judgement God will most likely say, "you knew what the problem was, asked for help and received advice - why did you only wait until now to repent?" And then you could find that you are judged, for having known, or had some idea of, the truth but failed to do anything about it.
God bless you, because he loves you.