Help! I Am Not Attracted To And Do Not Really Love My Wife

[Endeavourer]

How is your 15 hours of undivided attention each week coming along, with the time spent focusing on each other's emotional needs?

If this is not moving the dial, then is she committing any lovebusters? Are you?

Love Busters

Here is a questionnaire to help her determine if there is anything you are doing that is depleting her attraction to you, and vice versa:
Love Busters Questionnaire

It does no good to fill a bucket with holes in it. After you complete the questionnaires, if she tells you that something you are doing is a lovebuster, don't argue. Just thank her for the information and stop doing what she thinks is a lovebuster.

I take a VERY high view of marriage, but one a "vice" of mine is watching the reality show "Married at First Sight" due to my interest in observing what works or doesn't work in relationships. Call it research, I guess..lol. In the first season, a woman was matched with a man who she didn't find attractive at all (Doug and Jamie). Doug was a rock star (not occupationally but relationally), persisting to win Jamie's regard and affection over the next 8 weeks even though he knew she was not attracted to him and didn't really like him. By the time the decision day came, she had fallen in love with him and decided to stay married. By all accounts they are still happily married now 5 or 6 years later. If you have an abundance of spare time on your hands, watching the Doug and Jamie interactions in the first season could be informative and inspiring.

 

[dc87]

i have a real problem with physical attraction also. what do you advise in that matter?

 

[Endeavourer]

i have a real problem with physical attraction also. what do you advise in that matter?

Has her physical appearance changed since your attraction to her at the time the two of you conceived a child together?

If it has, is it something she can fix?

If it has not, did you feel attraction to her at one time when the child was conceived?

 

[Endeavourer]

@dc87 do you watch inappropriate content or self-satisfy at all? Do you engage in video games where the women are portrayed in a sexually enticing way?

The reason I ask is because it creates a very powerful contrast affect, so many men who do are not attracted to their wives.

...just working through a process of elimination so my suggestions can be as useful as possible.

 

[dhh712]

I feel like all are saying this is my cross to carry. I do not think that makes for a very good life to live. But I asked and these are the responses I received, so thank you.

What do you think makes for a good life to live? What do you think is the purpose of marriage?

 

[Endeavourer]

What do you think makes for a good life to live? What do you think is the purpose of marriage?

Your question was directed to spotlight, who has left this thread many years ago.

The purpose of marriage is that two people promise to be engaged in a mutually exclusive relationship of extraordinary care for each other. If the care is provided effectively, the two people will be deeply in love with each other.

Extraordinary care means that they will do what they can to make each other happy by meeting each other's most important emotional needs, especially the needs of affection, intimate conversation, sexual fulfillment, and recreational companionship. And they will take the necessary time to be sure that those needs are met, regardless of how busy they become.

Extraordinary care also means that they will avoid making each other unhappy. They won't be demanding, disrespectful, angry, or dishonest. They will consider each other's feelings and interests before making decisions. If one objects to what the other wants to do, that person simply won't do it until a mutually enthusiastic agreement is reached. They will protect each other from their selfish instincts.

This is backed up everywhere as to how people should treat each other in the whole counsel of Scripture, and more particularly, how married people should treat each other.

 

[Endeavourer]

Being in a relationship like this is a great life to live.

It is what almost everyone instinctively believes marriage should be and desires for their marriage. When both spouses do not vigilantly protect each other from their own selfishness, or do not meet each other's important emotional needs, the marriage state deteriorates.

How to live out and provide this state of marriage is not as instinctive as the desire to have it.

 

[dc87]

@dc87 do you watch inappropriate content or self-satisfy at all? Do you engage in video games where the women are portrayed in a sexually enticing way?

The reason I ask is because it creates a very powerful contrast affect, so many men who do are not attracted to their wives.

...just working through a process of elimination so my suggestions can be as useful as possible.

No but I lust and covet after other peoples wives and girlfriends a lot and not just physically but emotionally because I'm seeing how satisfied their husbands are and how content and how much I'm not.. but 70% of it is a physical lust i think... How do I get around this? Its constantly in my face every day its not like I can just avoid these other couples and women?

I know this is a direct violation of Gods nature but its pretty much impossible not to deal with or avoid it everyday. I think sexual temptation is the worst kind because its the most natural and something that demands immediate satisfaction. Its deeply engrained in men and i guess women too. Im 100% sure she covets after other guys affection that they show their wives too which is something i cant sincerely 100% show her no matter how much i try.

 

[Endeavourer]

No but I lust and covet after other peoples wives and girlfriends a lot and not just physically but emotionally because I'm seeing how satisfied their husbands are and how content and how much I'm not.. but 70% of it is a physical lust i think... How do I get around this? Its constantly in my face every day its not like I can just avoid these other couples and women?

Im 100% sure she covets after other guys affection that they show their wives too which is something i cant sincerely 100% show her no matter how much i try.

OK, we're getting somewhere! This is great information. Yours (lust or covet after other women) is the struggle of the ages. It's "every man"'s battle. Men are bombarded with images of women in scantly cladding or of women wearing sexually suggestive clothing everywhere. I'm thrilled to hear that a inappropriate content or video game addiction is not involved because that makes it so much harder to work through.

The way to fix your situation is to develop your marriage into what you covet in others'. It can absolutely be done. Dr. Harley has helped thousands of couples do this very successfully. When both desire a good marriage, it becomes a very natural outcome of providing extraordinary care.

You have a great first clue/step to work with, per your sense of what she desires. It is not as important to show her affection"sincerely" as it is to just get started showing it. Fake it until you make it, essentially. Eventually it will feel more natural and then even pleasurable.

During your 15 hours of dating time each week, when you are providing each other with undivided attention, be sure to meet her emotional needs of intimate conversation and showing of affection. Date times should intentionally be fun and pleasant. Avoid any relationship talk or other unpleasant situations - just focus your time on treating your wife with the care and attention you would if you were wooing her.

Is she willing to go on several fun dates with you each week?

 

[dc87]

we'll try

 

[Endeavourer]

Here's what Dr. Harley says about the emotional need of affection, which you have observed your wife may have:

"Affection:
Affection is the expression of care. It symbolizes security, protection, comfort and approval -- vital ingredients in any relationship. When one spouse is affectionate toward the other, the following messages are sent:

1. You are important to me. I will care for you and protect you.
   
   
2. I'm concerned about the problems you face and will be there for you when you need me.

A simple hug can say those things. And there are many other ways to show our affection: A greeting card or an "I love you" note; a bouquet of flowers; holding hands; walks after dinner; back rubs; phone calls; and conversations with thoughtful and loving expressions. All of these can effectively communicate affection.

Affection is, for many, the essential cement of a relationship. Without it, many feel totally alienated. With it, they become emotionally bonded. If you feel terrific when your spouse is affectionate, and you feel terrible when there is not enough of it, you have the emotional need for affection."

Here's also a great article with more information, which offers a template for a specific plan of action:

How to Meet the Need for Affection Letter #1

 

[Endeavourer]

we'll try

I'd suggest giving this a try with a full court press effort, so you have the maximum opportunity for success.

How about if you tell your wife that you found a plan to improve marriages that you think could work for the two of you. It involves a purposeful effort to meet each other's emotional needs, to avoid doing things that are hurtful to the other and to spend 15 hours per week in dates each week.

Give her these links:

A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts
Love Busters Questionnaire
The Policy of Unidivided Attention

Ask her if she would be willing to go on dates during the week and to exchange questionnaires so you can both identify areas that cause withdrawals.

If she identifies a lovebuster, don't argue the point. Lovebusters are not based on what she SHOULD feel, they are based on what she DOES feel. There is not a scale of morality to argue; a lovebuster just is, whether it should be or not. It's very hard to change your emotions about something. It is much easier for the other spouse to change their actions than for the affected spouse to change their feelings. She alone can determine what is a lovebuster to her. Just say thank you and then don't do the action she has identified again. If you slip up, apologize and try harder.

The reason I gave you the lovebusters questionnaire specifically is because one lovebuster usually negates about 100 deposits. In order to get any effect from your efforts, lovebusters need to be eliminated.

You can suggest that she post on the forum at marriagebuilders.com with any questions. Don't invite her here because your honest feelings about your relationship expressed in the way you have done so here, which was with the intention to seek advice and not intended for her eyes, would not be helpful to her right now.

Give the 15 hours/week, focused attention on mutually meeting each other's emotional needs and eliminating lovebusters three months. Any time you feel discouraged, ask her if she would be willing to post her thoughts about the event on marriagebuilders' forum. The people there are very clued in to this plan and the forums are monitored personally by Dr. Harley so the advice will be the best possible for that situation.

(Note to dc87: At this time, even though radical honesty is encouraged as part of the plan, hold back on your feelings about not being attracted. If this feeling doesn't change after giving the plan otherwise a good three months to work, then we'll work on a way to gently broach this for anything she can change.)

How does this plan sound?

 

[ToBeLoved]

Hello,

I have a problem that I feel funny sharing but maybe someone can help or relate. I have been married to my wife for five years. I initially married her because I felt that God was compelling me to do so. I felt that I kept reading the scripture whoever finds a wife finds a good thing. I never have felt true love for her but have tried to be obedient to what I thought God was telling me. This is not about any other woman. My eyes are not roaming or anything like that. I have been a faithful husband. But I cannot live this way anymore, it feels like a big lie and facade.

Well, although my wife may be a good person I am not sure if she is for me. I am not attracted to her at all. I have tried to convince myself over the years that it does not matter. But it does. Sometimes I look at her and I am repulsed. I also do not really enjoy her company outside of talking about the scriptures. I feel like if God knows my heart does He not know that I am pretending for the sake of not getting a divorce?

This brings me to wonder if the concept of not getting a divorce relates to this day and age. I feel like I am in a prison. Does an all loving and merciful God not allow for mistakes. I made a mistake in marrying this person. I am sorry. But, I am condemned to pay for it forever?

How, do I live this way for the rest of my life. Also, my wife deserves someone who will genuinely love her and not just love her because the scriptures say to do so and the person is afraid of God's wrath. There is a difference.

Has anyone had these thoughts regarding divorce? I feel like I married for the wrong reason. I am very unhappy and no longer want to live this way. Please do not tell me that God does not like divorce, I cannot hear that anymore.

Thanks in advance.

You need to figure out why you put your wife in this predicament because you've been and are not loving to her.

You need to figure out how to truly love her as a person and a Child of God because your mistake is not her fault and you made a promise to God.

Jesus didn't say His way was easy. You need to fix your own issues and get past worrying about yourself because that's what got you into this.

When you start worrying more about how to be loving and live in love you will start seeing it's not all about you.

 

[dc87]

You need to figure out why you put your wife in this predicament because you've been and are not loving to her.

You need to figure out how to truly love her as a person and a Child of God because your mistake is not her fault and you made a promise to God.

Jesus didn't say His way was easy. You need to fix your own issues and get past worrying about yourself because that's what got you into this.

When you start worrying more about how to be loving and live in love you will start seeing it's not all about you.

lol so marriage is a one way charity? no

 

[S.O.J.I.A.]

while the LORD does indeed allow for mistakes he doesn't allow for willful disobedience.

 

[ToBeLoved]

lol so marriage is a one way charity? no

Jesus called us to love each other. So if you cannot find love for your wife then you are missing that boat.

Her expecting you to honor your commitment to her and God isnt charity.

Your answer speaks volumes on how you view the situation. Honor God and that will lead to honoring the mate He gave you.

 

[glass1985]

Surprisingly i am in same exact scenario and read this years later. After 8 years, and much prayer and seeking God, I finally gave up and left her (took 3 tries cuz of guilt). Ive been miserable with God ever since. I also know i can never have a Godly marriage again because the very act of remarrying would be unGodly. Since it is not a biblical divorce. God has made it clear in order for me to follow Him i must return to her, After many years of an awful marriage that is a price I am no longer willing to pay. One sin kept the rich young ruler from Heaven and I believe this is my one sin downfall as well. I will not return to wife and therefore cannot follow Christ anymore since He requires this biblically. He haunts me each morning for leaving Him and her and I resist Him daily. I draw the line and will NOT go back to her, but I will NOT stay single for life either. Its not fair. Good luck, but I promise not following God is very miserable, I am just that determined for a do-over, even though it is not biblically allowed. Its ruined me in every way, but im obsessed to have what other Christians seem to get so easy. Just not fair and life is too short to be with wrong person in my opinion. But for both of us there is no loophole, we are in sin here with this. I assume by now your marriage is over or you are still fanatasizing of girl, maybe not a specific girl, but just your ideal in your head. Not looking forward to hell but if youre like me i guess we may meet there one day. Im sorry but im being serious. Take care.

 

[thesunisout]

Surprisingly i am in same exact scenario and read this years later. After 8 years, and much prayer and seeking God, I finally gave up and left her (took 3 tries cuz of guilt). Ive been miserable with God ever since. I also know i can never have a Godly marriage again because the very act of remarrying would be unGodly. Since it is not a biblical divorce. God has made it clear in order for me to follow Him i must return to her, After many years of an awful marriage that is a price I am no longer willing to pay. One sin kept the rich young ruler from Heaven and I believe this is my one sin downfall as well. I will not return to wife and therefore cannot follow Christ anymore since He requires this biblically. He haunts me each morning for leaving Him and her and I resist Him daily. I draw the line and will NOT go back to her, but I will NOT stay single for life either. Its not fair. Good luck, but I promise not following God is very miserable, I am just that determined for a do-over, even though it is not biblically allowed. Its ruined me in every way, but im obsessed to have what other Christians seem to get so easy. Just not fair and life is too short to be with wrong person in my opinion. But for both of us there is no loophole, we are in sin here with this. I assume by now your marriage is over or you are still fanatasizing of girl, maybe not a specific girl, but just your ideal in your head. Not looking forward to hell but if youre like me i guess we may meet there one day. Im sorry but im being serious. Take care.

Surprisingly i am in same exact scenario and read this years later. After 8 years, and much prayer and seeking God, I finally gave up and left her (took 3 tries cuz of guilt). Ive been miserable with God ever since. I also know i can never have a Godly marriage again because the very act of remarrying would be unGodly. Since it is not a biblical divorce. God has made it clear in order for me to follow Him i must return to her, After many years of an awful marriage that is a price I am no longer willing to pay. One sin kept the rich young ruler from Heaven and I believe this is my one sin downfall as well. I will not return to wife and therefore cannot follow Christ anymore since He requires this biblically. He haunts me each morning for leaving Him and her and I resist Him daily. I draw the line and will NOT go back to her, but I will NOT stay single for life either. Its not fair. Good luck, but I promise not following God is very miserable, I am just that determined for a do-over, even though it is not biblically allowed. Its ruined me in every way, but im obsessed to have what other Christians seem to get so easy. Just not fair and life is too short to be with wrong person in my opinion. But for both of us there is no loophole, we are in sin here with this. I assume by now your marriage is over or you are still fanatasizing of girl, maybe not a specific girl, but just your ideal in your head. Not looking forward to hell but if youre like me i guess we may meet there one day. Im sorry but im being serious. Take care.

Your flesh doesn't want to do it but your spirit does. Why would you knowingly submit to your own carnality after tasting that the Lord is good? The wife that you left is the best wife for you and the proof is that your flesh is rejecting the marriage. The reason that is happening is that for the marriage to work it has to die! That is the very command of Christ "Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her".

God wants this person who would leave the Lord and his wife to pursue his own pleasure to die. That is the reason he gave you a difficult wife so that your stubbornness would be killed off and He could transform you into a new person who would submit to His will and experience all His blessings of joy and peace.

Your choice is to follow the rebel, Satan, and do as you please or follow the Lord and re return to your wife. It's really no choice at all because the way of the backslider is much more difficult than a bad marriage. Repent of your backsliding and ask the Lord to fill you with His Spirit so that you can do His will.

 

[glass1985]

Your flesh doesn't want to do it but your spirit does. Why would you knowingly submit to your own carnality after tasting that the Lord is good? The wife that you left is the best wife for you and the proof is that your flesh is rejecting the marriage. The reason that is happening is that for the marriage to work it has to die! That is the very command of Christ "Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her".

God wants this person who would leave the Lord and his wife to pursue his own pleasure to die. That is the reason he gave you a difficult wife so that your stubbornness would be killed off and He could transform you into a new person who would submit to His will and experience all His blessings of joy and peace.

Your choice is to follow the rebel, Satan, and do as you please or follow the Lord and re return to your wife. It's really no choice at all because the way of the backslider is much more difficult than a bad marriage. Repent of your backsliding and ask the Lord to fill you with His Spirit so that you can do His will.

Thanks, i know youre right, it has been harder since i backslid, i know God still loves me and He is worthy, but every fiber of my being does not want to go back to that marriage. She is still willing to take me back, she is very Godly, i just cant stomach going back. Thanks for advice though, i know youre right. I continue to wrestle and forgot how much endurance and patience God has.

 

[LoricaLady]

I'm sorry, but as soon as you said, "Don't tell me God hates divorce" you showed you were closed to the Word and way of your Heavenly Father. That is the real problem here, not your wife.