Help! I Am Not Attracted To And Do Not Really Love My Wife

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Ok you want practical advice?
This christian couple, Ian and Mary Grant, have good practical tips. Don't know if the OP has children but if has, then they also have books on growing great boys and girls

Growing Great Marriages

Also, thinking on this thread and topic, I recall seeing a movie that had the Love Dare in it. I think it's actually a book you can do 40 days of daring things to love your wife (or husband). I think maybe the OP just doesn't know how. He thinks maybe he has to be attracted to someone first. Well that's not always the case. You can be attracted to someone who is really really wrong for you. Like they could already be married. Or you could be attracted to the same-sex. I don't think there is a big thing with attraction, cos even horrible guys get attracted to me. And I have to say..no. And I can't do anything to make myself un-attractive, its just - female thing.

Think about all the good things you like about your wife, not just they physical things. It could be the way she's super-organised, or her handwriting, or they way she laughs. I don't know, think of things. Think of things that are lovely and pure then just stewing on the points you don't like about your wife.

You can't just love someone just like that. Love is an action. All the people that said 'love your wife, well, just do it cos the Bible says so,'don't actually spell out the ways in which this guy can.

So here's a list

greet her in the mornings
call her 'darling'
kiss her on the cheek
make her breakfast in bed
sing a cheery morning song
thank her for putting up with you!
compliment her on her dress
write a love note
do the dishes
put the rubbish out


I don't know..what do husbands and wives do with each other all day. Come on, there must be some married couples on here who can give good tips and advice without beating people over with scripture and making them feel worse. What would Jesus do? What did he say to Mary? Go help Martha in the kitchen? You were created to be a helpmeet? No, come sit here with me. Listen to my story, I'm going to tell you a good one.
 
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RDKirk

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I think this guy needs to go to marriage counselling and talk to his wife.
If they both agree to divorce, I don't think God condemns them.
In the first instance I don't believe God put them together. You can't marry someone just because she's female and goes to bible study and you happen to be single. You marry because you truly love that person. Don't go on like this and then end up having affairs looking for affection which in turn hurt the person you have affair with because you are still married.

Pray and ask God to show you what you must do.

Back when Jesus spoke Matthew 19 and when Paul wrote 1 Corinthians 7, most marriages were arranged both among Jews and among Graco-Romans. They wrote those strong words about the permanency of marriage to couples who had no choice in their partners.

Paul probably saw many, many cases of gentile women becoming Christians and their husbands remaining pagan. Those women must certainly have thought "God did not put us together"--especially since it was their pagan fathers who had arranged the marriages.

But to those women Paul yet writes, in effect, "If you are being a good Christian--outpouring love to the other members of the Body of Christ--and your pagan spouse is happy to live with you in spite of all that, then you have no reason in Christ to divorce."

That was as much a message to Christians married to Christians as it was to those women married to pagan men. If being married to a man bound for hell wasn't an inherent reason for divorce, then there was no reason acceptable to Christ for two Spirit-filled, obedient Christians to get a divorce.

Remember, those were even arranged marriages. The clear lesson is that any Spirit-filled, obedient Christian man can be a satisfying mate and partner to any Spirit-filled, obedient Christian woman, and vice versa. Your flesh may say otherwise, but your flesh lies to keep you in its bondage.

There was a time when my wife and I were doing poorly in our marriage. We were distant and clearly falling apart. One particular evening, I was upstairs in our bedroom in prayer. I prayed desperately for guidance on saving the marriage.

The Holy Spirit said to me: "Love your wife."

I knew what He meant. He meant all that mushy stuff my wife had complained that I never did. But my response to Him as it had been to her was, "Look, I do what I'm supposed to do. I bring the money home. I don't run around at night. I get everything done that's necessary. I'm doing what I'm supposed to do."

The Holy Spirit said again, "Love your wife."

I retorted, "So what if I do all that much and she doesn't respond?"

The Holy Spirit said, "That's my business. Are you going to obey me?"

So I said, "Okay. Okay. I'll obey you. I'll love her whether she responds to it or not."

Then I got off my knees and started downstairs to tell my wife that I was going to change my relationship with her.

She met me on the stairs as she was coming up, and had something to tell me. While I had been praying in the bedroom upstairs, she had been praying in the kitchen downstairs.

She had prayed for a way to save the marriage. The Holy Spirit had told her, "Respect your husband."

She had pushed back, saying, "What if I respect him and he doesn't respond?"

The Holy Spirit had told her, "That's my business. Will you obey me?"

That was 25 years ago, and we celebrated our 31st anniversary last month.
 
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Good for you RDKIRK.
I think that passage, as my interpretation of it means, if an unbeliever wishes to depart, ie, leave (not sure if this means simply divorce or seperation) then the believing spouse should be gracious and let them go, and not hold them to a marriage against their will, and I think that applies to both husbands and wives.

Because God doesn't want us in bondage and unequally yoked. Is that correct?
But if they are happy where they are and don't want to go, then stay married.
So basically it just means talk to your spouse. Don't just up and leave or surprise the other with divorce papers. I mean, when Joseph was betrothed to Mary he was thinking of putting her away (divorcing) because she was pregnant. But the angel had some words with him!

Maybe, talk to God first, then talk to your spouse. If it's that bad. You might be surprised, maybe your spouse doesn't even know you feel that way and loves you more than you know but just doesn't know how to express it.
 
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If you having some issue, best to start a new thread so we may be able to help you with your struggle. But those who replied to this one did give some good advice..dont know whether the OP took it tho. You might want to PM them. Prolly embarassing to be reminded of this if he did get over that hurdle. I know this anonymous forum..but I kinda think his wife could read it...that would be horrible to contemplate. You ought to be talking to your wife in that situation, even if you not attracted to her, she is still a sister and ought to know the truth.
 
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dc87

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i honestly don't understand how you can make a "mistake" in marrying someone. That's a lifetime decision.

This can happen for many reasons.

I had a child out of wedlock and thought we were doing the right thing by getting married. The child died shortly after. We both question our love and not really attracted to each other anymore and are therefore dealing with this same issue.

Many second marriages are often better than first ones because both parties now realize what is important in a marriage.

Yes.... sadly even BEING in this second marriage is sinful according to the Bible.
 
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Endeavourer

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I had a child out of wedlock and thought we were doing the right thing by getting married. The child died shortly after. We both question our love and not really attracted to each other anymore and are therefore dealing with this same issue.

Were you in love with each other when you were dating and became pregnant? You must have been attracted to her at that time, right?

One very sad mistake MOST marriages make today is they stop the actions and behaviors which caused them to fall in love. Before you were married, I'd bet you spent at least 15 hours per week interacting with, or pursuing each other (dating). Yet, if you feel incompatible and unattracted to each other, I'd also bet you aren't doing that today.

What do you think about this article?

The Policy of Unidivided Attention
 
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Wow, just skimmed through the old advice on this thread - I should say brutal judgemental beatings - and all of those holier-than-thou, severe types were not offering advice at all but went for a bloody beat down.

This is an actual problem that many Christian marriages suffer. There is a beautiful solution for it.

People can fall in love with and stay in love with a spouse who meets their emotional needs. Learn what her needs are and your needs are, and focus 15 hours per week mutually meeting those needs.

The Love Bank

In fact, this is usually how affairs start - opposite sex people start spending too much time together, are meeting each other's emotional needs until a threshold of love is crossed. People who are in love with each other are addicted to each other, so at that point it usually transitions from an emotional affair to a physical affair.

The Most Important Emotional Needs

However, what's REALLY odd about affairs is the vast majority of people who engage in them affair down, which is to say, have an affair with someone less attractive or with less to offer than their wife.

There are ways to build up your love account balance with your own spouse until it exceeds the in-love threshold, and thereby renewing (or starting) a love addiction to them.

It's a matter of math, and it happens all the time when people give it a chance.

I would encourage anyone in this predicament to try dating their wives for 15 hours per week, with the dating hours all being very focused on producing pleasurable time together. No relationship talk and particularly focus on both having the best recreational time of the week together. Also, purposefully meet each other's emotional needs on these dates and avoid lovebusters (love account withdrawals).

Love Busters

Just like 15+15=30, I guarantee that 15 + needs meeting - zero lovebusters =exhilarating, romantic love.
 
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dc87

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Were you in love with each other when you were dating and became pregnant? You must have been attracted to her at that time, right?


One very sad mistake MOST marriages make today is they stop the actions and behaviors which caused them to fall in love. Before you were married, I'd bet you spent at least 15 hours per week interacting with, or pursuing each other (dating). Yet, if you feel incompatible and unattracted to each other, I'd also bet you aren't doing that today.


What do you think about this article?


The Policy of Unidivided Attention


We didnt get married for love, thats for sure. We really got married specifically for the child as he was unexpected. I felt like we could deal with each other fine and ive always believed that a child needs two parents and preferably in the same home and preferably with the same last name. God commands it therefore we decided it was the right thing to do... now i dont know.

The child died shortly after therefore the only reason we decided to be married is gone and now we are confused... because God commands spouses are supposed to be attracted and love one another but we do neither. Its really just a legal agreement and a tax break at the moment nothing more. But God and Jesus is pretty clear... that divorce is sin... so......

I dont recall God ever expressing any desire to make a person fall in love and magically be attracted to someone. I'm assuming thats against His nature... because if He could then He would magically make all fall in love with Him. Attraction and love comes from an individuals heart and that seems to be something God does not force upon us.

In fact the only thing that can do that is drugs and alcohol and thats only temporary.
 
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Endeavourer

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We didnt get married for love, thats for sure. We really got married specifically for the child as he was unexpected.

You felt some love for her when your relationship become so intimate that she conceived a baby, though, right?
 
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Endeavourer

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God commands spouses are supposed to be attracted and love one another but we do neither. Its really just a legal agreement and a tax break at the moment nothing more. But God and Jesus is pretty clear... that divorce is sin... so......

What did you think of the articles I posted? What do you think about spending 15 hours per week on dates and recreation together, meeting each other's emotional needs? If you can do that, you will likely achieve beautiful, romantic, splendid love for each other.

I dont recall God ever expressing any desire to make a person fall in love and magically be attracted to someone. I'm assuming thats against His nature... because if He could then He would magically make all fall in love with Him. Attraction and love comes from an individuals heart and that seems to be something God does not force upon us.

I disagree with pretty much all of this. Your marriage is a type of your relationship to Christ. I'm in a wonderful marriage and I can see that parallel in new ways every day.

My marriage is fairy-tale wonderful because we spend undivided time with each other, we purposefully meet each other's emotional needs and we purposefully have eliminated lovebusters from our behavior. Its wonderfulness is not based on his or my body type, hair or eye color or any other physical features.

In what areas does your marriage struggle? Do you show anger to her (or her to you)? How are the decisions made? Does one of you usually get your way?
 
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dc87

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What did you think of the articles I posted? What do you think about spending 15 hours per week on dates and recreation together, meeting each other's emotional needs? If you can do that, you will likely achieve beautiful, romantic, splendid love for each other.




I disagree with pretty much all of this. Your marriage is a type of your relationship to Christ. I'm in a wonderful marriage and I can see that parallel in new ways every day.


My marriage is fairy-tale wonderful because we spend undivided time with each other, we purposefully meet each other's emotional needs and we purposefully have eliminated lovebusters from our behavior. Its wonderfulness is not based on his or my body type, hair or eye color or any other physical features.


In what areas does your marriage struggle? Do you show anger to her (or her to you)? How are the decisions made? Does one of you usually get your way?


I read it. Its hard to pretend to be interested in each others needs. I mean from human to human yes as the same way that I am interested in the well being of other fellow humans. But marraige requires a deeper interest that is hard to create or fake. We spend more than 15 hours a week together regardless.

We both get our way or we compromise... we get along fine (which is why we got married with a child). We can deal with each other fine. But I know I will never be able to give her the deep love she deserves and vice versa. We struggle physically and emotionally. We have nothing in common. We dont enjoy much of the same things at all. We dont get all happy and jumpy when the other walks in the room or when they come home from work. We could care less.

Like I said the only thing we had in common really was we loved our child so much and wanted the BEST for him and I know that required having a mom and dad at the same house and I was fine with that. That commonality is gone now and so is the only thing that made us want to stay together. The only thing holding us together now is the law and our vows and Gods commandments.
 
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Endeavourer

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I read it. Its hard to pretend to be interested in each others needs. I mean from human to human yes as the same way that I am interested in the well being of other fellow humans. But marraige requires a deeper interest that is hard to create or fake. We spend more than 15 hours a week together regardless.

The fifteen hours Dr. Harley is describing are 15 hours of dating activities, where your focus on each other is purposeful and undivided. The most successful application has been in chunks of 4 hours or more per date, and outside of the house.

Time spent just hanging around the house, watching TV or a movie together doesn't count towards the 15 hours. The hours need to be focused, enjoyable and recreational. They should be the time spent doing the best recreation of the week.

People in your situation don't desire to meet the other's needs. That's very common - if you did, you'd be in love at least a little bit. During your dates, if you purposefully meet her emotional needs, sooner or later she will respond to your actions and start meeting yours. Fake it until you make it, so to speak.

What did you enjoy together prior to your relationship becoming close enough that a baby was conceived? You must have connected in some way for your relationship to have evolved to that point. Can you go back to those activities and build from there?

As the man, you have a tremendous advantage vs a woman who finds herself in this situation. A woman is wired to fall in love with a man who woos and pursues her. In the process of wooing and pursuing, she will instinctively start meeting your needs better. Once you are both making love bank deposits in each other's accounts, your care for each other will grow. As I explained, this is how affairs happen, and most affair partners are a significant step down from what the wife can offer.

Women are ill suited to this pursuit (and men are generally not so responsive to a woman pursuing them) so it is much harder to advise a woman in this situation.

I have done a lot of studying on the Bible's applications to a marital relationship, and from my studies I've come to believe that a man's leadership isn't what a lot of churches teach it is; instead it's setting a tone in the relationship of emotional safety, pursuing his wife's love, studying his wife to know how to relate to and serve her better. It's a spiritual type of leadership towards love, emotional safety and willing participation in mutual submission. The role of the wife is to respond to this beautiful situation you have set for her in the marriage.

After getting this all figured out, I fell in love with a man who has an encyclopedic knowledge of Scripture and has written the vast majority of it on the tables of his heart. He behaves towards me in this way - and he often quotes Bible verses to justify his behavior. They are in the Bible all over the place!

The husband's leadership is not the 51% rule - and if it's interpreted that way the marriage is set up for eventual failure as the wife is coerced into accepting decisions she's not enthusiastic about (her giver is coerced) until her taker has an ugly rebound or she simply falls out of love with her husband end eventually could care less about his feelings.

I am so much in love with my husband that I get the sparkly feeling just thinking about him. I even have the sparkly feeling when he's doing something I find annoying, lol. It is his behavior that I am deeply in love with, not specifically his appearance - which to me has become of all men most handsome through the window of my heart. I protect his heart like a wife griz and wouldn't hurt him for all the gold in the world.

Anyone can have a marriage like this if both parties choose it. Dr. Harley has worked with a lot of couples and has found nearly 100% success when both people in the couple follow it. We do and it works!

As the man, you have a lot of influence to lead your marriage there because by nature you are the pursuer.

I'd recommend that you study Dr. Harley's concepts, articles & Q&A on his web site where all of the information is available for free, or buy his book 'His Needs, Her Needs' which is inexpensive and may be more convenient to reference. His book "Lovebusters" will help you identify if you are withdrawing your deposits out of her bank (that information is also available for free on his website). He has a radio show every day where he helps people who are having marital problems, so if you download the app and listen to that every day you'll learn practical applications. He is a wealth of knowledge because he's studied 10'000's of couples and has identified patterns present in couples who are in love, and patterns present in couples who are not. That's why following the patterns he teaches works.

One withdrawal is usually worth about 50 - 100 deposits, so you'll definitely want to identify whether you are making withdrawals.

Identify your wife's top 3 needs and intentionally meet them regularly. Arrange 4 or 5 four hour dates with undivided attention doing something recreational each weed.

Would you be willing to purposefully do this for three months and then reassess?
 
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But I know I will never be able to give her the deep love she deserves and vice versa.

I promise you that this is categorically false in every respect. I would love to hear back from you after your try the 15 hour/week experiment described above.

If things haven't budged by then (but I suspect they will have), we'll have to examine what's going on more specifically to root out anything you are doing that is unattractive to her.

Be mindful of her reactions during this experiment (dwell with your wife according to knowledge, per 1 Peter 3:7) and fine tune as you go.

It involves a risk since you are putting yourself out there, but what do you have to lose?
 
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Hello,

I have a problem that I feel funny sharing but maybe someone can help or relate. I have been married to my wife for five years. I initially married her because I felt that God was compelling me to do so. I felt that I kept reading the scripture whoever finds a wife finds a good thing. I never have felt true love for her but have tried to be obedient to what I thought God was telling me. This is not about any other woman. My eyes are not roaming or anything like that. I have been a faithful husband. But I cannot live this way anymore, it feels like a big lie and facade.

Well, although my wife may be a good person I am not sure if she is for me. I am not attracted to her at all. I have tried to convince myself over the years that it does not matter. But it does. Sometimes I look at her and I am repulsed. I also do not really enjoy her company outside of talking about the scriptures. I feel like if God knows my heart does He not know that I am pretending for the sake of not getting a divorce?

This brings me to wonder if the concept of not getting a divorce relates to this day and age. I feel like I am in a prison. Does an all loving and merciful God not allow for mistakes. I made a mistake in marrying this person. I am sorry. But, I am condemned to pay for it forever?

How, do I live this way for the rest of my life. Also, my wife deserves someone who will genuinely love her and not just love her because the scriptures say to do so and the person is afraid of God's wrath. There is a difference.

Has anyone had these thoughts regarding divorce? I feel like I married for the wrong reason. I am very unhappy and no longer want to live this way. Please do not tell me that God does not like divorce, I cannot hear that anymore.

Thanks in advance.
In the general scheme of things, marrying for love is a fairly recent phenomenon. Marriage is about a lot more than physical love. It's kinda like saying "I want to get a new car because the radio in mine doesn't work and everybody else has a working radio in their car. Of course, that latter statement isn't true either. Some people are driving terrible cars with one tire in the junk yard.

Love is a decision. Love is an action. Love your wife and you'll be surprised what it does for your attitude about her. Either that or you'll drive her nuts and she'll leave you.
 
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RDKirk

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We didnt get married for love, thats for sure. We really got married specifically for the child as he was unexpected. I felt like we could deal with each other fine and ive always believed that a child needs two parents and preferably in the same home and preferably with the same last name. God commands it therefore we decided it was the right thing to do... now i dont know.

The child died shortly after therefore the only reason we decided to be married is gone and now we are confused... because God commands spouses are supposed to be attracted and love one another but we do neither. Its really just a legal agreement and a tax break at the moment nothing more. But God and Jesus is pretty clear... that divorce is sin... so......

I dont recall God ever expressing any desire to make a person fall in love and magically be attracted to someone. I'm assuming thats against His nature... because if He could then He would magically make all fall in love with Him. Attraction and love comes from an individuals heart and that seems to be something God does not force upon us.

With all the bible says about loving your mate remember that in those days, marriages were almost always arranged. There was almost never a case of two people first falling in love then getting married.

When Paul preached, "Husband, love your wife," that was a man who was introduced to a stranger and then learned to love her.

When God said, "Rejoice in the wife of your youth," that was to a man who was introduced to a stranger and then learned to love her.

There is no such thing as love at first sight--that's just hormones. Love is what you do by intention--otherwise it would not be a command.
 
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dc87

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As the man, you have a tremendous advantage vs a woman who finds herself in this situation. A woman is wired to fall in love with a man who woos and pursues her. In the process of wooing and pursuing, she will instinctively start meeting your needs better. Once you are both making love bank deposits in each other's accounts, your care for each other will grow. As I explained, this is how affairs happen, and most affair partners are a significant step down from what the wife can offer.


Women are ill suited to this pursuit (and men are generally not so responsive to a woman pursuing them) so it is much harder to advise a woman in this situation.


If you are saying that women are auto programmed to love sincerely as soon they are shown affection then obviously it is easier not harder for a woman in this situation. It is harder for a man therefore to sincerely find attraction and interest for his wife since he is not automatically programmed to "transform" into a lover.

We have spent time like this already doing these things you mention for a while. Time and the Lord has not changed much for us. We will continue however.
 
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