Why is this happening to me?

[blast]

I know this sounds like a bit pathetic, whiny and repeitive but still.
My life has turned into hell on earth, when i look in the mirror I don't recognise myself.

I wish I didn't have needs, desires and decisions to make and why do I? why do we?

Half of mankind is probably going to hell, why are we here? it seems so sadistic. I wish I was never born and could go back to the edges of infinity where nothing exists? Why can't I? Why can't I give back my life, it doesn't feel like a gift but a curse. Our flesh is built to mess up, not once but again and again and once you slip it's easy to keep on slipping then bam welcome to hell.

When I was younger I used to think I would never live until 25 because life sucked. I am nearing that age now and I can't end my life because now I know God exists and that decision would lead to an everlasting hell.

God says I love you, I will strengthen you, I will heal your diseases, ask believing with faith and you will receive what you ask for. I have been asking for months, I have turned away from things which are illegal, from things which are sinful and there is little improvement in my situation. Why did God make man knowing he would suffer so much?

You are supposed to love God which all your heart but I can only fear him the way you fear an oppressive father or thunder. You can't really love it, you just respect it out of fear, how can you love with your whole heart something which enables you suffer, which dangles hope above your head but doesn't let you taste it.

Sometimes I think I belong in hell but then I think about the word eternity, the shape of it, the way in fans out continously and unrelenting and think no one on earth deserves that, even Charles Manson, noone has done on earth that which could match an eternity in hell.

I have tried to be a good christian girl but what's in my heart is in my heart right? There is no difference between letting it out and keeping quiet.

With life the good stuff does not level out the bad; there are probably more people going to hell than not, more people suffering on earth than not.

I wish so many things but most of all I wish I could hand back my life, say thank you but no thanks and go back to where I came from, wherever that was. I think it's cruel that I can't do that, why isn't there a third way? I didn't ask for my life

 

[LJSGM]

Romans 6:23
"For the wages of sin is death"

John 8:51
I tell you the truth, if anyone keeps my word, he will never see death."

I don't believe there is everlasting torture/suffering. A fire destroys.

If one doesn't have the life that Jesus gives, they will "go back to the edges of infinity where nothing exists"

but chose life. This life, if you can call it that, is only a drop in a bucket compared to eternity.

 

[Johnnz]

Yours is a very sad post. I reckon much of your sadness is the result of judgement oriented faith, a tragic distortion of the real biblical message.

Can you tell us what you do enjoy?

John
NZ

 

[blast]

LJSGM

From reading the bible I understood hell was eternal - it talks of eternal punishment....and it's certainly what my pastor preaches.

Johnnz

God seems to judge - he judged Sodom and Gomorrah, the Pharisees, Pharoah etc. I too am bound to judged severely.

What do I enjoy? Nothing. I remember my life how it used to be and that just makes me sad, I think about taking drugs again but that's a sin, I think about suicide but that's a pipe dream etc. nothing my heart reaches for can it take hold of. I'm tired of hoping and when I get tired I just fantasize about not being born for example and then get angry because I feel the rules of life are unjust.

Do you think my thoughts are blasphemous?

 

[LJSGM]

LJSGM

From reading the bible I understood hell was eternal - it talks of eternal punishment....and it's certainly what my pastor preaches.

Matthew 25
32All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. 33He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

There is only one place in the NT that speaks of "eternal punishment" and it is the opposite of "eternal life" that punishment, since Jesus was speaking of "the left and the right." The punishment is death and it will be everlasting, the opposite of everlasting life.

If you have any other verses you'd like to discuss, feel free.

You don't have to believe what everyone else says, especially someone who says he's got the truth because he's got a college degree. God doesn't work that way.

Luke 8:18
Therefore consider carefully how you listen. Whoever has will be given more; whoever does not have, even what he thinks he has will be taken from him."

 

[Gale]

Look at it differently: Hell was not deliberately set up as some kind of sadistic release for a God who feels pleasure from our pain - it is simply the absence of God's presence.

If, in life, you choose not to follow God, then God will not force you to spend an eternity in His presence.

Of course, it's not as easy as such a basic choice, and I will not pretend it is so, as not everybody believes in the God of christianity, and not everybody gets the oppurtunity to become a christian.

But whatever you do, don't think that God WANTS you to spend an eternity away from Him - after all, He loves you.

 

[christandisrael]

Don't give up on Jesus. That is the worst thing that you could do. You may not feel like it, but just as long as you have assurance that Jesus Christ is lord of your life, then you will get to go home to heaven.

 

[LJSGM]

What do I enjoy? Nothing. I remember my life how it used to be and that just makes me sad, I think about taking drugs again but that's a sin, I think about suicide but that's a pipe dream etc. nothing my heart reaches for can it take hold of. I'm tired of hoping and when I get tired I just fantasize about not being born for example and then get angry because I feel the rules of life are unjust.

Do you think my thoughts are blasphemous?

I think perhaps you should consult a physician and tell him about how you are feeling. I had clinical depression once, probably not as long as some people. In fact, I am feeling it come back after all these years for the past couple weeks. Doing pretty well trying to ignore it, but it's hard.

Want to pray for each other?

God does love you, you know. You are his child, you should know that.

 

[Johnnz]

LJSGM

From reading the bible I understood hell was eternal - it talks of eternal punishment....and it's certainly what my pastor preaches.

Johnnz

God seems to judge - he judged Sodom and Gomorrah, the Pharisees, Pharoah etc. I too am bound to judged severely.

What do I enjoy? Nothing. I remember my life how it used to be and that just makes me sad, I think about taking drugs again but that's a sin, I think about suicide but that's a pipe dream etc. nothing my heart reaches for can it take hold of. I'm tired of hoping and when I get tired I just fantasize about not being born for example and then get angry because I feel the rules of life are unjust.

Do you think my thoughts are blasphemous?

Your pastor is the source of some very wrong perspectives. Yes, God does judge, but the biblical message, especially from Jesus, is much more broadly and healthily stated than a 'fear of hell' message. You have been badly sold short.

Surely, while growing up you had some ideas or dreams for your life, and some things you did enjoy. Have another think and see what is tucked away in the attic of your past.

John
NZ

 

[Jeffz]

My friend God has already paid the price for sin and it is not his will that any should parish and go to hell. He sent His son because there was none among men that could do what His only son could do. As He was the seed of the woman that God spoke of in Genisis when He told the serpent that the seed of the woman would crush his head. That seed is Jesus Christ, He has paid the ultimate price, even for our salvation. Let the almighty God of creation search out your heart and may He give you peace, for there is nothing on earth that fulfill that emptiness inside of us, only His Spirit will make us free, He came to set the captives free and to heal the broken hearted, a broken heart and a contrite spirit he will not turn away from. So go to Him He is what you need.
one man set free,
Jeffrey

 

[road dog 1]

Do not grow weary in well doing for in due season you will reap if you faint not.
God is sufficient.
God is with us.
Life is not fair, God never said it would be, its not what we have done or given up, but Gods grace is sufficient. I'v been a christian for 30 years and some things in my life never change, i have felt the same way you do and at times still do. What you are going through is to mold you into his image, we can either stay under that pressure and learn are lesson from it or rebel and fight it or feel sorry for are selfs which leaves to the end of life thing you mentioned, the choice is yours BUT God will give you what you need to make it if you accept it. Besides you will just have to keep going back to the lessons you run from because God wont stop them until you learn. I know by my own experience.

 

[Jeffz]

Do not grow weary in well doing for in due season you will reap if you faint not.
God is sufficient.
God is with us.
Life is not fair, God never said it would be, its not what we have done or given up, but Gods grace is sufficient. I'v been a christian for 30 years and some things in my life never change, i have felt the same way you do and at times still do. What you are going through is to mold you into his image, we can either stay under that pressure and learn are lesson from it or rebel and fight it or feel sorry for are selfs which leaves to the end of life thing you mentioned, the choice is yours BUT God will give you what you need to make it if you accept it. Besides you will just have to keep going back to the lessons you run from because God wont stop them until you learn. I know by my own experience.

I had to laugh my friend after reading your post, for it is my story also. I have been taken back to the same lessons, maybe different circumstances each time but ultimatly the same lessons. I am unable to preform this life without Jesus, I fall down and He lifts me up. I was reading Psalm 107 and it speaks the same, each time they reached the end of the rope they cried out to God and He saved them. I have learned to stick with Him and not turn away even in the mist of the storm, I have learned the lesson of praising God in every circumstance and count it all joy when going through temptations.
Thanks for the wisdom of God that He has imparted to you.
one man set free,
jeffrey

 

[andreha]

I know this sounds like a bit pathetic, whiny and repeitive but still.
My life has turned into hell on earth, when i look in the mirror I don't recognise myself.

I wish I didn't have needs, desires and decisions to make and why do I? why do we?

Half of mankind is probably going to hell, why are we here? it seems so sadistic. I wish I was never born and could go back to the edges of infinity where nothing exists? Why can't I? Why can't I give back my life, it doesn't feel like a gift but a curse. Our flesh is built to mess up, not once but again and again and once you slip it's easy to keep on slipping then bam welcome to hell.

When I was younger I used to think I would never live until 25 because life sucked. I am nearing that age now and I can't end my life because now I know God exists and that decision would lead to an everlasting hell.

God says I love you, I will strengthen you, I will heal your diseases, ask believing with faith and you will receive what you ask for. I have been asking for months, I have turned away from things which are illegal, from things which are sinful and there is little improvement in my situation. Why did God make man knowing he would suffer so much?

You are supposed to love God which all your heart but I can only fear him the way you fear an oppressive father or thunder. You can't really love it, you just respect it out of fear, how can you love with your whole heart something which enables you suffer, which dangles hope above your head but doesn't let you taste it.

Sometimes I think I belong in hell but then I think about the word eternity, the shape of it, the way in fans out continously and unrelenting and think no one on earth deserves that, even Charles Manson, noone has done on earth that which could match an eternity in hell.

I have tried to be a good christian girl but what's in my heart is in my heart right? There is no difference between letting it out and keeping quiet.

With life the good stuff does not level out the bad; there are probably more people going to hell than not, more people suffering on earth than not.

I wish so many things but most of all I wish I could hand back my life, say thank you but no thanks and go back to where I came from, wherever that was. I think it's cruel that I can't do that, why isn't there a third way? I didn't ask for my life

Hey Blast

I know what you are going through. I do. I know what it's like to be tired of life itself. I know that horrible, deep pit of despair. I felt like that at age 5. Life was getting too much to handle. But, the Lord came through for me. And He will do so for you as well. Our Lord allows us to go through trials of fire. But, remember, there is always the upliftment that follows, as well as the blessings. You are being prepared for your destiny. Others will one day receive consolation from your testimony that will come. And, when others come your way, who are going through the same, you'll be able to really comfort and support them. I know that it doesn't look like it now, but the Lord is busy supporting you right now. He loves you. Deeply. He knows the wonderful plans He has for you in future. You will be a blessing to others after this. I know it. Remember, even our Lord, Jesus Christ once felt that God abandoned Him. When He hung on the cross, and said, "My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?"

Even Him, the Saviour, the Son of God felt like that. The Lord knows your suffering my dear. And know this - it will lead to a lot of good. For yourself and for others. It is written that the Lord turns all things to our advantage. You may only see one set of tracks in the sand, and wonder why you are alone. You're not alone. You are being carried.

I asked the Lord to comfort you, my dear. Please feel free to PM me whenever you feel down. I'll be there for you - I promise. I'm here for you.

 

[Quasicentennial]

Psalm 138 (Contemporary English Version)

Psalm 138

(By David.)

Praise the LORD with All Your Heart

1With all my heart
I praise you, LORD.

In the presence of angels [a] I sing your praises.

2I worship at your holy temple

and praise you for your love

and your faithfulness.

You were true to your word

and made yourself more famous

than ever before. 3When I asked for your help,

you answered my prayer

and gave me courage. [c] 4All kings on this earth

have heard your promises, LORD,

and they will praise you.

5You are so famous

that they will sing

about the things you have done.

6Though you are above us all,

you care for humble people,

and you keep a close watch

on everyone who is proud.

7I am surrounded by trouble,

but you protect me

against my angry enemies.

With your own powerful arm

you keep me safe.

8You, LORD, will always

treat me with kindness.

Your love never fails.

You have made us what we are.

Don't give up on us now!


Accepting Christ is his protection against all kinds of deception from Satan who can give the wrong idea that Jesus fails to love you. In the bible verse above: Your Love Never Fails is written proof that Jesus knows his righteous love is greater than Satan's evil love called sin. Jesus knows the size of our love is great. Satan can shrink our love for Jesus towards insignificance, you wonder why troubled Christians turn to atheism because miracles don't seem to happen to them.

 

[Luminaire]

Blast, I think what you need is a new perspective. And by that, I don't mean what most people mean by "just pretend like your life is what you want". The perspective you need is one unshackled by pre-generated assumptions. Open your mind a bit and try something else.

Don't dwell on the apparent idea that everyone's here to suffer and go to hell. You don't know that. Truth is, none of us knows what kind of plans God may have for this world, for people, or for you.

Think of what you like (or used to like...chances are you just lost interest because you're too consumed by you current state of mind).

And don't be worried about sounding whiny or repetitive. Anyone who accuses you of that is only a part of the problem, and you shouldn't listen to them.

Also, you should try being more active with other people and making close friends. I realize this can be difficult b ut if you have other people to focus on it'll ease your own pain.

 

[childofGod31]

I want to share my experience.

I've been a Christian for about 20 years, but I just recently discovered the real God that we have.

It says in the Bible: draw close to me and I will draw close to you. OR open the door and I will come in and we will share a meal. OR He who loves me will be loved by my Father and I too will love him and REVEAL myself to Him.

I came to that point in my life when I drew close to Him. And He revealed Himself to me. And it was the most amazing experience in my life.

Besides the amazing discovery of God, His heart and His nature and the joy that it brought me, I also learned that the trick of being able to overcome your sinful nature is in drawing close to Him. Only HE can do it for you. Only His power in you can do that. But that power is NOT activated until we draw close to Him.

I must say that I did not see this side of God in the Bible verses. I mean, there are verses in the Bible that say that He is good, compassionate, loving and all....but when we read them, we don't really believe them, right?

It's because we don't see it in real life. And then there are judgements of God: don't do this or don't do that or you will be judged....

And I felt that God was pretty strict as a parent. I knew of His love as a father too, but in a very limited small way. Mostly, it was: don't complain, suck it up, don't grumble...get over it, do it right..., and yes, I love you, but you have to do those things as well...

(By the way, I actually also whined: I wish I never existed...)

When I thought of future, I thought of heaven and a nice life. I didn't really think of the joy of fellowshipping with God.

But this experience changed everything. Now I think that all I want is to fellowship with God, even if it's not in heaven.

You see, Christians have turned Christianity into a religion. They come on Sundays to give God lip service or even sincerely worship Him. But then don't really think of Him that much during the week. And "worshipping God at church" is really a religion. What we should do is to worship God in our entire life, in every day life. OR instead of saying: "worship" Him, I want to say we should: "fellowship" with Him. This is why we were created. The first commandment is: love the Lord your God with all your heart soul and mind.
LOVE Him.

But how do you love someone you don't know that much? You have to get to know Him. Through the Bible study. (The Bible is about Him) Through thinking and meditating about Him. (not about you, and your sinfulness, but about His mercy, love and greatness. It's very important not to focus on yourself because if you do, all you'll get is a headache. But if you focus on God's qualities, then you will be rewarded by joy and peace.)


And we should realize that God has feelings too. We were created in His image. He is like us. He feels. He needs love just like we do. HE feels lonely just like we do. HE feels ignored when we ignore Him. He feels hurt when we run after the things of the world and leave Him be (all alone).

We are His Bride. Do you know what that means? He loves us, just like a person loves His Bride. He wants her attention in the same way. He wants us to love Him as a person in love would want his bride to love him. It's the same kind of relationship. The only difference is: we can't see Him, or feel Him next to us (like we would feel somebody with skin on). But the feelings of the heart are all the same.

I found out that God is in love with us (His Bride). That He thinks we are the most beautiful creation ever. He adores us to death (well, literally, because He gave His life for us). He likes to just stare at us with adoration. He is happy just thinking of having us. He is proud when we make our small steps (just like a parent would over his child who is learning). Although God's feelings are so much better and deeper. Believe me, no parent on this earth could ever adore his or her child as deeply as God adores us.

And these things God revealed to me when I drew close to Him.

So now, practically, how did I do that?

I recognized that God is a Person and He wants my attention. I left the things that were competing with Him for my attention (I used to love to watch movies a lot). And I gave Him my full attention. I spoke to Him every day, as much as I could in my thoughts. I spoke to Him like I would to any other Fiancee (or Groom). I thought of things I loved about Him and that I was in awe of, and that I was proud of and I told Him.

And this way, I fell in love with God. I think of God in the face of Jesus Christ, who is our groom. And the Spirit of Christ also lives in us. So I think of Christ as living in me and being always by my side. And it's become real to me. He's become real to me. Now, I treat Him as any other person (except invisible). I feel embarassed like I would if there was another person with me. And I feel like I don't want to say anything that might offend Him (or think bad of somebody because that would bring unpleasantness into the loving atmosphere).

So, now, it's easy not to think negative stuff about others. If it comes, I can just push it away and tell Him: oops, sorry. I won't think about that anymore.

So after I drew close to God like that (and now I spend my free time with Him or studying the Bible or answering these posts) and I feel happy. I feel content with my life. I feel like I am living in a fairy tale because God actually speaks to me. Imagine, a Creator, a God, speaks to me..! I am so amazed!

And the amazing part is that He tells me how much He loves me and it's even hard to believe (but I do believe it). He said that He doesn't like it that we have to go through the bad stuff and that He only wants to bring us joy and happiness. And that He longs for that day when that will be true. He said he hurts when we hurt (because He lives in us and we are one with Him).
And He told me that He is very proud of me (and I am thinking: proud of what? what did I do?) But He is like a very proud parent. And sometimes He praises me a lot (much more than a parent would). And He tells me that He is deeply in love with me and that I am perfect in His eyes and that I am just what He wanted. And that He just wants to please me like I please Him. And that I please Him and bring Him lots of joy and pleasure.

And all I do is give my attention to Him and love Him. And I feel sooooo happy to hear all that from God whom I used to only know from afar.

I know Him (or at least a lot more than before). But it's hard to put it all into words. So I wrote a figurative fairy tale to show the love of Jesus Christ for His Bride and just how much He is in love and just what He is going through just for her. So maybe you can read it. Although, some facts might be made up, but HIS feelings are real. I've come to know them as such. I've come to know the great depth of His compassionate heart. And He is so polite and so humble. Imagine what He tells me: thank you for loving me. Wow, He is thanking me for loving Him. And it's my great pleasure to love Him.

Like one song says: when you love Him, you give yourself a gift. Yes, I rec'd a gift of His love. And it's so amazing and so wonderful. And He so cherishes me and just adores me that it's hard to describe. And so that's what He is like. And I agree that you can't really see that from the Bible. I didn't. And I read the Bible for many years. I mean, I know that it's there, now that I know. But before I knew it, I didn't really see it there.

I'll post some links here and I hope you will read them and find this amazing relationship with the best groom, best friend, best God that you could have:

Bible 101 • View topic - A tale of eternal love

Bible 101 • View topic - The Bible becomes a living book

Bible 101 • View topic - You are God's Bride & He is in love

Bible 101 • View topic - Jesus Christ and YOU

Bible 101 • View topic - CONVERSATION WITH GOD, part one

 

[freeport]

I know this sounds like a bit pathetic, whiny and repeitive but still.
My life has turned into hell on earth, when i look in the mirror I don't recognise myself.

I wish I didn't have needs, desires and decisions to make and why do I? why do we?

Half of mankind is probably going to hell, why are we here? it seems so sadistic. I wish I was never born and could go back to the edges of infinity where nothing exists? Why can't I? Why can't I give back my life, it doesn't feel like a gift but a curse. Our flesh is built to mess up, not once but again and again and once you slip it's easy to keep on slipping then bam welcome to hell.

When I was younger I used to think I would never live until 25 because life sucked. I am nearing that age now and I can't end my life because now I know God exists and that decision would lead to an everlasting hell.

God says I love you, I will strengthen you, I will heal your diseases, ask believing with faith and you will receive what you ask for. I have been asking for months, I have turned away from things which are illegal, from things which are sinful and there is little improvement in my situation. Why did God make man knowing he would suffer so much?

You are supposed to love God which all your heart but I can only fear him the way you fear an oppressive father or thunder. You can't really love it, you just respect it out of fear, how can you love with your whole heart something which enables you suffer, which dangles hope above your head but doesn't let you taste it.

Sometimes I think I belong in hell but then I think about the word eternity, the shape of it, the way in fans out continously and unrelenting and think no one on earth deserves that, even Charles Manson, noone has done on earth that which could match an eternity in hell.

I have tried to be a good christian girl but what's in my heart is in my heart right? There is no difference between letting it out and keeping quiet.

With life the good stuff does not level out the bad; there are probably more people going to hell than not, more people suffering on earth than not.

I wish so many things but most of all I wish I could hand back my life, say thank you but no thanks and go back to where I came from, wherever that was. I think it's cruel that I can't do that, why isn't there a third way? I didn't ask for my life

You are making a lot of judgment calls beyond your knowledge, and living in fear and hate.

You have to choose confidence and love in Jesus: and reject fear and hate.


People do have a choice in what direction they will go. One can grumble, complain, and see the worst in everything... or seek to turn that around.

One direction does lead into hell. The other into Heaven.


You believe you are going to hell forever and ever -- you are going. You believe you are going to Heaven forever and ever -- you are going.

How to have that power, that confidence? Believe in the finished work of God through Jesus Christ crucified.


The Spirit of Jesus gives us the ability to believe in something better then what we deserve for our sins.

 

[LJSGM]

I sometimes wonder if I have seasonal depression; if it's only around this time of year that I feel bad.

You know, it's not a sin to try and heal your body with medication. You can take medication for your heart, why not chemical imbalances in the brain. Even though it's taboo to have a chemical imbalance, it's not a sin, nor is it a sin for your doctor to help you heal from it.

It very well might be a spiritual attack as well, not ruling that out, but you should rule out the first before you get to the second.

 

[DiscipleOfTruth]

It is not wrong for you to think the way you do. It has been due the conceptions of life that have been instilled in you and through your experiences that you have learned to see things the way you do. It is like someone has said, you have to change your perspective of things. It should start with your concept of God. Let His Love embrace you and free you from condemnation, let His Love free you from your past and from the thoughts that take your focus off the good things in life.
I commend you for not doing the wrong that you feel like doing, and that is a strong step to take when life is overshadowed in darkness.
Who can free us from this? Only God can.
It is not abnormal to sometimes feel this way when you see sin's result in the world. Even God's chosen felt this way when everything seemed to be against them, what did Habakkuk say to God?
"How long, O LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen? Or cry out to you, "Violence!" but you do not save? Why do you make me look at injustice? Why do you tolerate wrong? Destruction and violence are before me; there is strife, and conflict abounds."
God supplied an answer. Remember what the prophet said? It is better to die here Lord. But what did God do? He knew the need and supplied it. Remember Job? He knows your need and will uplift you into His Grace and hold you in His arms, only if you come to Him. God is love. Hell was not created for us. There has been good advise that has been given regarding this.
God has told us all of this through His word. We are never told that we will not suffer, we are never told that we will not feel pain, but through it all we are told that He is there in our time of need. All the evil in the world is the result of sin and it is this concept that we have to learn to accept. We can not free ourselves from this worlds influence until our departure. Only in Heaven will we know and experience for an eternity what you are seeking. But in the meantime, God does provide peace amidst chaos, light amidst darkness, and it is Him you should rest. "Come to me, and I will give you rest..."
May you find the peace and rest you seek in His arms,
DiscipleOfTruth

 

[blast]

"You know, it's not a sin to try and heal your body with medication. You can take medication for your heart, why not chemical imbalances in the brain."

The medication is the the problem, it has completely messed up my system and it is hell to get off. I recently tried and am paying for it. My body is screwed up because of it, I wish ppl knew that when they take antidepressants they play russian roulette with their life. At 16 I was dumb enough to make that decision.

"Don't dwell on the apparent idea that everyone's here to suffer and go to hell. You don't know that. Truth is, none of us knows what kind of plans God may have for this world, for people, or for you."

I don't know that but the Bible seems to strongly suggest that. God didn't have mercy on Pharoah but hardended him which to me seems to make Pharoah less accountable for his actions but that doesn't seem to be taken into account. In the Old Testament God sends multiple curses to people and children, if there are cursed and die doesn't that mean they go to hell? And also Jesus seems to strongly imply that God will turn many away from his gate, even those who called his name and professed to do good works for him.

ChildofGod31 - I liked reading your post. Do you think God's wants everyone to be healed, if so what do you think prevents it from happening? Also is it possible to draw close to God if all you feel is despair or do you think he gets angry that you don't trust him enough to know he'll help? I've tried to be positive but it feels like I'm rowing against a tidal wave, I can't get anywhere good for more than a moment.

How did God tell you these things, did you hear his voice, if so what was it like?

Thanks for everyones replies

blast