What's on your mind?

[bèlla]

I keep having these doubts every day since he was the closest I've gotten to a possible attraction with a Christian. But unfortunately I don't think the attraction was strong enough to grow. He was holding back a lot of himself, so that I would like him, I think.

It's funny you said that. I touched on the same in another thread and mentioned the importance of being yourself and its impact on finding a partner. When you're divorced from the truth you don't make the best choices. You pick the wrong person or pursue ideals that never come to fruition.

So many yearn for acceptance they allow the desire to influence them. Getting the yes is more important than finding someone who fits them well. And they rarely consider if they're offering the same.

Need and fear can't be in the drivers seat. If he was more attuned to his heart he would have realized it before you did. If you have to change to acquire them it will never work.

I kind of think that I was trying to position myself to be in the Christian relationship that I wanted, but it still did not fit. I find it interesting that I think his ex-wife maybe was doing the same thing.

We're subjected to many influences regarding marriage. But sometimes you have to flush your head to reconnect with your heart and hear it clearly. What we genuinely require for fulfillment may go unmentioned. If we're out of touch we'll waste time chasing attributes that are meaningless. Not because they're unimportant. But they aren't the keys to our happiness or nourishment.

I've encountered men who espouse 'Christian' qualities. What I require most is simple. I need a man who's grounded and stable. I don't need a theologian. I value the person who spends more time developing their character than quoting scripture. I want to see God in you and experience Him through you. Finding someone who understands the difference takes time. Many are following a script.

Yes, so true Beautifully said. You always have a way with words.

Thank you.

I smiled when I saw this. Someone is leaving my workplace that I'm pretty sure is not a Christian, and I sent her a message because I couldn't make it into work to say goodbye to her. She's in another department and we've all been working remotely so it's been forever since I've seen her in person. She told me to continue shining my light. I thought that was very revealing that she sees Jesus and me, even though I haven't been able to share my testimony.

That was kind of her. When people see Christ in us it's powerful. Especially when we haven't shared our faith. We're affecting them by our spirit.

And yes since last year, a lot of things have been opening up. The more I smile and the more joy that grows, the more relationships also grow.

True. I feel a significant increase in consciousness. I have light bulb moments frequently. Last night while answering @SarahsKnight I had another one. I realized the extent of grace I've been given to share my heart with M unreservedly. For reasons I don't understand, talking to him allows me to work through my feelings. Oftentimes I see things I didn't expect when I write him. He never turns me away.

I felt a deep sense of gratitude and expressed my appreciation. He doesn't have to do it. Even when he's quiet he reads everything. Sometimes he'll answer or reference it elsewhere. And I know it's a word for me. The things I'm working out about D take time. I learn a little more and deal with it. He's helping in his own way.

I know you're doubting yourself. But trust your decision. If you're getting closer you're on the right track. I've had an opportunity to interact with different men. They said the right thing but I didn't flow. I was comfortable around them. But they didn't stir my waters. M and D did.

My soul rejoices and I enter another realm of transparency. D touches me in a place no one else has. He understands me more than I realize. You want someone who sets your soul ablaze and you'll know when it happens. You've waited too long to play it safe.

Trust the process.

 

[bèlla]

It's such a strange feeling looking back at my prayer journal and seeing how the Lord led me to taking 12 days to listen to Him and write it down. The unfortunate thing is I knew the whole time that we were not a long-term match. It's hard for me not to compare myself to the other gal.. even though I've never met her. I probably shouldn't be posting this here, but I feel I need for sorting this out and hopefully this will never ever ever happen again like this. And I pray that I have learned and that I have grown and the Lord is developing me for a much more suited long-term match.

You'll find the answers in time. You've learned a lot from the experience and that's important. Each encounter is purposeful. Don't be too hard on yourself. You're going to make mistakes. You're still learning.

 

[sampa]

Need and fear can't be in the drivers seat. If he was more attuned to his heart he would have realized it before you did. If you have to change to acquire them it will never work.

For sure. The red flags were every time that he said he hoped he didn't scare me away by saying something. He'd have these long discussions with his college age daughter about me and question if she agreed with the things that I said. I actually loved the fact that he spoke to her Plus two or three other men about me and weighed out how to approach things. We also got into a discussion about a prenup that he had with his ex-wife and how I disagreed or I would not marry someone that wanted that. After a discussion with his daughter, his daughter agreed with me and he said that he would not do that for his future marriage. I think that was just meant for me because he trusted me.

If we're out of touch we'll waste time chasing attributes that are meaningless. Not because they're unimportant. But they aren't the keys to our happiness or nourishment

Wise words.

value the person who spends more time developing their character than quoting scripture. I want to see God in you and experience Him through you. Finding someone who understands the difference takes time. Many are following a script.

Yes, I think this is something that resonates with me. Not just going through the motions but some kind of depth.

I was comfortable around them. But they didn't stir my waters. M and D did.

Yes, I know exactly what you mean. There are quite a few men I am comfortable around, but they don't stir me the same as a handful have throughout my life.

You want someone who sets your soul ablaze and you'll know when it happens. You've waited too long to play it safe.

For sure! Playing it safe never works out.

 

[bèlla]

For sure. The red flags were every time that he said he hoped he didn't scare me away by saying something.

I'm not surprised. A lot of men are insecure these days. More than they let on. Many camouflage it through projection and bravado.

He'd have these long discussions with his college age daughter about me and question if she agreed with the things that I said. I actually loved the fact that he spoke to her Plus two or three other men about me and weighed out how to approach things.

I do the same. My daughter knows about everyone. So does my family. I tell them.

We also got into a discussion about a prenup that he had with his ex-wife and how I disagreed or I would not marry someone that wanted that. After a discussion with his daughter, his daughter agreed with me and he said that he would not do that for his future marriage. I think that was just meant for me because he trusted me.

I've never had anyone bring that up. But it wouldn't bother me. Especially when there's children involved. Whatever he earned before our union isn't on the table.

D laid everything out. I know what he makes, where he worked, and the number he's after (I have his resume). Once he told me everything he asked is that enough? His transparency floored me. It was humbling.

Yes, I know exactly what you mean. There are quite a few men I am comfortable around, but they don't stir me the same as a handful have throughout my life.

I thought I could be with 'that guy'. The one they mention in books and such. But I realized I can't. I have too much passion. I need a force that won't capitulate. I can't run over him. And I don't want to.

He possesses an edge I didn't encounter in others. And he's making me work. I love it. If he made it easy I wouldn't respect him.

 

[sampa]

D laid everything out. I know what he makes, where he worked, and the number he's after (I have his resume). Once he told me everything he asked is that enough? His transparency floored me. It was humbling.

That's amazing. I haven't had anybody come forward with their income, except kind of close with the guy that has connections with a well-known apologist. I had already done background research on him and had seen his higher income, but he had lost that within a couple years before taking care of his parents. We still talk off and on the phone... The last guy I almost got into a relationship with the only information I had was his LinkedIn profile. He just only let me know that money was not a problem for anything. But again this is a person that said that his walls were higher than mine. His prenup saved him from having to pay 30k per year.

He possesses an edge

Yes, this is probably what I'm looking for. I haven't quite put my finger on it but I guess I am kind of a strong woman, and I didn't want to admit it but I'm coming to acceptance this year of it. That's what a couple guys last year said about me that seemed attracted and I was attracted to them. I know I need a bit of a challenge but I don't want to be overwhelmed like I was with the last guy in our last conversation. It was way intense and interrogating, I have to learn how to say stop, that I'm getting overwhelmed.

 

[bèlla]

That's amazing. I haven't had anybody come forward with their income, except kind of close with the guy that has connections with a well-known apologist. I had already done background research on him and had seen his higher income, but he had lost that within a couple years before taking care of his parents. We still talk off and on the phone... The last guy I almost got into a relationship with the only information I had was his LinkedIn profile. He just only let me know that money was not a problem for anything. But again this is a person that said that his walls were higher than mine. His prenup saved him from having to pay 30k per year.

D is an incredible man. If I didn't like him I'd set him up with someone. He has a beautiful heart. I thought I needed 'something" that I've learned I don't require at all.

I met him online. He messaged me and asked a question. I'd written a post offering advice on venues where ladies could meet gentlemen. He wanted to know where he could find someone like the person I described.

I was willing to assist. I realized he was looking for a girl like me. I saw his age and wavered. He isn't much older than my daughter. Then again, I don't see myself.

An opportunistic person would have pounced. But I'm not like that. I was concerned about the age gap and what he'd relinquish on my behalf. I'm not a selfish person. I never ask for anything. I always draw providers. Maybe my shadow is projecting something I don't understand.

Yes, this is probably what I'm looking for. I haven't quite put my finger on it but I guess I am kind of a strong woman, and I didn't want to admit it but I'm coming to acceptance this year of it.

He knows everything. My friends are millionaires. Everyone makes 7 or 8. We help each other. But I feel its hindered me.

That's what a couple guys last year said about me that seemed attracted and I was attracted to them. I know I need a bit of a challenge but I don't want to be overwhelmed like I was with the last guy in our last conversation. It was way intense and interrogating, I have to learn how to say stop, that I'm getting overwhelmed.

I can't handle that. M is intense. I cleaned out my bar. He made my cranium ache. I don't want that. D is different. He possesses a balance the other lacks. He doesn't make me crazy or spastic. This isn't the first time I dipped a toe. C was 9 years younger. I think the energy is better.

 

[sampa]

I was willing to assist. I realized he was looking for a girl like me. I saw his age and wavered. He isn't much older than my daughter. Then again, I don't see myself

That's a neat and interesting story.

He knows everything. My friends are millionaires. Everyone makes 7 or 8. We help each other. But I feel its hindered me.

Something I haven't been exposed to, and I wonder what life would be like if I was. I think the closest was the guy from last year and his clients. I kind of feel like I need to be on the same level financially, this last guy that I almost got into a relationship with, I don't think I would feel right about him paying for everything. Such as my transportation to see him, I had agreed to it, but after the fact it leaves me feeling like I owe him something and uneven footing. There's definitely an expectation it seems like with privileged life, if I can call it that, for a lifestyle. Who knows what the Lord's plans and future is for my life, if it's something that the Lord wants then he will give me the capabilities.

So tell me how do you think it has hindered you? I'm curious.

I can't handle that. M is intense. I cleaned out my bar. He made my cranium ache. I don't want that. D is different. He possesses a balance the other lacks. He doesn't make me crazy or spastic. This isn't the first time I dipped a toe. C was 9 years younger. I think the energy is

So have you traditionally had attractions to men that were younger? As I have gotten closer to 50 for some reason I have grown to be attracted to older men. I still might be approached by men that are 10 sometimes 15 years younger but I find myself less attracted to them now. It's weird because most of my crushes even when I was a teenager were younger than me. Every time I had gone on dates or had conversations with attractions that were younger than me, for some reason I felt like they were holding something over me, which was my age. They may have been joking, but it made me feel strange. Not that I don't look younger, but the reality of being older, I always wondered if they were looking for some kind of experience for me. A kind that I don't have.

 

[bèlla]

Something I haven't been exposed to, and I wonder what life would be like if I was.

It cost me $800 to enter that world. I didn't know it was an old boys club when I
began. My business coach is building a brewery. She's the second from the group.

So tell me how do you think it has hindered you? I'm curious.

Men say a lot of things. When you have money the game changes. They'll tolerate a lot for coin. Even when they say otherwise.

D is a provider. He knows I'd have wealth with or without his presence. My daughter would inherit nonetheless.

 

[sampa]

It cost me $800 to enter that world. I didn't know it was an old boys club when I
began. My business coach is building a brewery. She's the second from the group

Very interesting and fascinating.

D is a provider. He knows I'd have wealth with or without his presence. My daughter would inherit nonetheless.

Ahh, makes sense.

The guy I was dating spring 2020, I think the girl he ended up with was introduced from his circles. He told me some friends were going to meet up with him on the island.. and from what I could gather on the gal she at least married into money with men that were much older than her. I think her level of income was just a little bit more than his and definitely the house that she's selling right now. She's only a year older than him, but I have to wonder if this guy found her to be more of a suitable match because of her background. I sometimes wonder if he was looking for somebody that had just a little bit more money than him. It was always in the back of my mind because he came from a privileged life and he seemed to be clinging/list after to what he lost. I almost think the girl does too because it sounds like she doesn't have as much money as she did before now that her daughter is going off to college. And a thousand miles of dating every other weekend has got to cost a lot of money.

And back to your comment, it seems like most men want to feel needed and want to feel in that place of a provider. I do sometimes think I come off as pretty independent and ambivalent to needing someone. Probably something I have to work on.

 

[SarahsKnight]

still might be approached by men that are 10 sometimes 15 years younger but I find myself less attracted to them now.

.... No hope for me then, huh?

 

[Tone]

Hmmmm...

Just wondering why it is that the women I'm attracted to...turn out to be the most sensitive...

...and unable to handle my tone...?

 

[sampa]

.... No hope for me then, huh?

Hey I have a special place in your heart, remember you adopted me

 

[SarahsKnight]

Have been reading through two different blogs the last few weeks critiquing Tim Lahaye's and Jerry Jenkins' infamous Left Behind books. The first blog author Fred Clarke went into excruciating detail on every single event that happens in the first 3 of 13 books in the series (not counting the 3 prequels that were apparently written later), but then quit. The second blog, called Nyssa's Hobbit Hole, has a much shorter summary of all of the remaining 10 books, although she goes into enough detail on a few choice excerpts from each one that I can still clearly see the big problem with Left Behind/End-Times-fanaticism theology .... that these books are astoundingly sociopathic.


And I'm not just going off of the opinions and perceptions of these two bloggers - who themselves claim the Christian faith, by the way - either; I myself read the last third or so of the 12th book Glorious Appearing, which I can tell you now was far more brutal and gorier than the most explicit horror film I had ever seen in my 37 years of life ... all on account of Jesus Christ Himself (well, Tim Lahaye's and Jerry Jenkins' incredibly misguided perception of Jesus Christ anyway). ... It's just that before reading up more on these books through the above-mentioned blogs, I didn't know also that before Jesus comes in what I assume the authors believe Revelation teaches to be an incredibly terrifying and bloody return to Earth in the 12th book, the Christians who converted during the Tribulation period also take apparent pleasure in the suffering and death of their enemies as the Christians themselves take up arms against them, glibly tell those who've taken "the Mark" and yet later regret it and cry out for God's mercy that there's no hope for them and they deserve damnation, and revel in the unleashing of God's plagues .... because that's what good and faithful followers of the One called the Lamb and the Messiah are called to do, I guess. Nevermind the hope of the Gospel in the Left Behind world; apparently when it is rejected once by those yet to be drawn by the Spirit, we believers are free to hate, despise, and curse them. =/

Because who wants that gentle Lamb who suffered with the weak and oppressed and healed the infirm and bore all of our inequities willingly nonsense from the first time Jesus was with us on Earth, right? That's over, now. It's time for no-holds-barred-beatdown-wading-triumphantly-up-to-height-of-a-horse's-bridle-river-of-blood, butt-kicking Jesus! That's what real manly-man Kingdom-of-God Christians should want!


Seriously, Tim Lahaye, Jerry Jenkins, what is wrong with you two?

 

[Tone]

Hmmmm...

Just wondering why it is that the women I'm attracted to...turn out to be the most sensitive...

...and unable to handle my tone...?

I know I shouldn't generalize.

There may be one out there that is attracted to me, independent, strong, and doesn't have a similar temperament.

It's just the last two, an opera singer, and an actress/model were on the same page as me on a spiritual level and had the same heart for ministry, yet, I guess because of their independent natures could not handle...I'm not exactly sure what...my tone, is the only way to put it.

I didn't yell at them or act out agressively in any way, in fact, they cozied up to me really well, and maybe even a bit too much. They loved the way I held them and such.

Im thinking they are attracted to my type, yet they want the "nice guy" vibe...so, I guess bad boy/nice guy combo.

I'll be honest and say, I think, for some reason I attract the controlling type of woman.

Of course, I could be wrong and it may all be on me, but I really don't think so. I mean, what I've pinpointed in their character, has been confirmed in the eyes of others.

So, I reckon that I have to find a strong sister who respects me enough to allow me to be strong as well

Well, at least I've had some learning experiences of late and the company of some beautiful and interesting women, ha ha!

 

[SarahsKnight]

Hey I have a special place in your heart, remember you adopted me

Of course. You're right. ^-^

 

[Tone]

Well, maybe I'm made for a humble damsel in distress...

 

[bèlla]

Very interesting and fascinating.

I don't think I answered your question. I'm sorry.

Someone chided me about my 'perfect' life. They weren't being mean. My life is very idyllic. There's too much. Scarcity is rare. That's what hinders me. A woman living differently wouldn't have left him. She'd be able to see the things I couldn't.

I think her level of income was just a little bit more than his and definitely the house that she's selling right now. She's only a year older than him, but I have to wonder if this guy found her to be more of a suitable match because of her background.

That's the thing no one talks about. "Pretty Woman" is a fantasy. Most men don't do that. And if they do she's signing something.

I sometimes wonder if he was looking for somebody that had just a little bit more money than him. It was always in the back of my mind because he came from a privileged life and he seemed to be clinging/list after to what he lost. I almost think the girl does too because it sounds like she doesn't have as much money as she did before now that her daughter is going off to college. And a thousand miles of dating every other weekend has got to cost a lot of money.

I try to date men with a similar background. I've made exceptions and it never works. They don't understand me. D and I are very open about wealth. I know what his parents have. His mother stopped working when she had children. We were raised the same.

I don't usually talk about money but he gave me the freedom to do so. When I did it with another they misinterpreted my statements. I don't want to live like that. D funds everything. If I'm coming to see him he's paying. If he wants me to look a certain way he's buying. He accommodated my calling. But he wanted me home.

And back to your comment, it seems like most men want to feel needed and want to feel in that place of a provider. I do sometimes think I come off as pretty independent and ambivalent to needing someone. Probably something I have to work on.

Many do. When women entered the workforce things changed. They no longer depend on him. That's a hard pill to swallow for most. I told him if we reconcile I'd like an allowance. I'd get it anyway. But I want him to know he's contributing to my welfare.

However, he isn't dependent on me for his manhood. He makes his mark on the world. I don't have to carry, reassure, or tell him he's the bees knees. He knows his worth. I've never found the same.

 

[bèlla]

@sampa Thank you for sharing your heart. M is the lone one I talk to about him. I appreciate your willingness to listen.

I never thought I'd feel this way. When I returned to God I told Him He made me settle. I downplay the price I paid to give up M. I suffered a lot. I met D in the midst of that.

If I seem a wee bit fae. Pray for me. I'm awakening.

I heard this the other day. It reminds me of him. I wish I could express how much it makes me smile.

 

[bèlla]

Hmmmm...

Just wondering why it is that the women I'm attracted to...turn out to be the most sensitive...

...and unable to handle my tone...?

Every man wants to be a hero. Caring for a woman feeds something within them. But that doesn't mean she's ready to embrace his provision as a constant. You need to be in the right head space to receive it.

 

[sampa]

If I seem a wee bit fae. Pray for me. I'm awakening.

I've got some thoughts that I want to add to this but I just wrote you down in my prayer journal to be praying for you. Getting ready for my day with church, friend's son's baptism and family gathering. I pray your Sunday is blessed!