What's on your mind?

[bèlla]

I've got some thoughts that I want to add to this but I just wrote you down in my prayer journal to be praying for you. Getting ready for my day with church, friend's son's baptism and family gathering. I pray your Sunday is blessed!

Thank you sampa. That’s kind of you. He’s quiet. But I have peace nonetheless.

I told him this yesterday:

My former self would tell someone in my position to be patient and wait for him. Honor him in the silence. Serve him through it all. Do the things he values. When he's ready to speak he will.

 

[Tone]

Every man wants to be a hero. Caring for a woman feeds something within them. But that doesn't mean she's ready to embrace his provision as a constant. You need to be in the right head space to receive it.

Well, I wanted Messiah to be our Hero.

I saw Him in her and she saw the same in me. She confessed that He brought us together, and was exceedingly thankful.

We share the ministry vision to a tee...the timing was so right, it was undeniably miraculous.

And then the man made lenses came out...and with them...doubt.


I tried to shift her gaze upon His Vision...

I told her that since we were joined for such a purpose...there would be resistance, and its most effective form was all that psychobabble/self-help/labelizing rubbish from past indoctrination.

This stuff led to assumptions and sensitivities, that I couldn't quite overlook.

My fault is allowing it to become too romantic, too soon.

This seems to be a pattern with me and I know it's the result of many years without that kind of companionship, and my strong desire to have a partner who is inextricably joined with me in our calling.


That's why this last loss, is such a hard blow...it seemed so right.

Your unexpected response was a balm to me though sister. Thank you. I hope and pray all is well with you.


Shalom.

 

[Tone]

And I may have to drop the romantic lens and not look to the right, nor to the left.

Cast a steady gaze upon His Kingdom, and leave all else behind...

And maybe... somewhere up ahead...

...or maybe not.

 

[bèlla]

Well, I wanted Messiah to be our Hero.

The man is ever present and he influences everything. That isn't a denial of God. But a reminder to acknowledge yourself in light of Him. We all have nuances to our person and how we relate with others. Companionship brings its own intricacies. You may want to be her hero and you can do it in a godly fashion. There's many examples in the bible.

Don't pursue the holy to the point where you forsake your grounding. That's a common problem in Christian circles. The solution is temperance and wisdom. Where you're employing your beliefs in the here and now. You don't want to live in your head or fail to substantiate your desires in this plane.

I saw Him in her and she saw the same in me. She confessed that He brought us together, and was exceedingly thankful.

Allow the unfolding. Don't be swayed by declarations and the pattering of your heart. It's going to happen. Flow through it. It can feel like God did this or that. But don't forget the proof. Don't rely on feelings alone. Restraining yourself can be difficult. But you'll have less hardships if you do.

We share the ministry vision to a tee...the timing was so right, it was undeniably miraculous.

And then the man made lenses came out...and with them...doubt.

You were open to the experience. That's the miracle. You'll have others. Each one moves the needle forward.

I tried to shift her gaze upon His Vision...

I told her that since we were joined for such a purpose...there would be resistance, and its most effective form was all that psychobabble/self-help/labelizing rubbish from past indoctrination.

That's a lot to lay on someone. Holy convictions are innate. He places them on our heart and provides the wisdom and strength we require to accomplish it. If you consider what you've said you'll see the problem. She knew in her head. But the spirit was not involved.

Housekeeping is a continuum. As we discard the debris the rooms get brighter and the air changes. You have to be willing to undergo it. It's much safer to remain in the dark. You can't bring someone to that point. They have to do it on their own. Then they'll stick with it.

This stuff led to assumptions and sensitivities, that I couldn't quite overlook.

My fault is allowing it to become too romantic, too soon.

You've been alone for awhile. That isn't surprising. Your heart is hungry and it influenced you. But you know that. Now you see the problem with allowing it to direct your steps. You can choose differently next time. The experience wasn't for naught. You both learned something.

This seems to be a pattern with me and I know it's the result of many years without that kind of companionship, and my strong desire to have a partner who is inextricably joined with me in our calling.

You're putting a lot of pressure on yourself and her. Be like the river. Move effortlessly around the obstacles. Don't swim against the current or dwell on the big stuff. Take each day as it comes.

You're focusing on the calling when character is more important. It affects everything. When love enters the picture we become malleable. You'll find the page together. Don't come with a script. It rarely goes that way.

That's why this last loss, is such a hard blow...it seemed so right.

I used to think the same but that was fear talking. There's nothing scarce about God. All you need to focus on is how you're getting in the way of His plan. Enjoy the moments. Live the questions. Stop being so hard on yourself.

Your unexpected response was a balm to me though sister. Thank you. I hope and pray all is well with you.

I'm glad.

All is well.

 

[bèlla]

And I may have to drop the romantic lens and not look to the right, nor to the left.

Cast a steady gaze upon His Kingdom, and leave all else behind...

And maybe... somewhere up ahead...

...or maybe not.

Why would you do that? The desire is telling you something. You want a loving relationship. There's nothing wrong with that.

Sometimes people use God as a placeholder. They don't mean to. But it allows them to avoid pain and disappointment. I believe in ownership. If you want a partner admit it. You haven't found her yet.

Burying yourself in this or that won't change it. When you pull back the layers you'll see it still remains. Concentrate on becoming the man your future companion requires. You'll gain more confidence and draw the one you're seeking.

That's what I did. I spent 20 years becoming an accomplished woman. Not in a modern sense. They way it was defined long ago.

I don't think I've ever admitted that here. Now I have.

 

[ReesePiece23]

And I may have to drop the romantic lens and not look to the right, nor to the left.

Cast a steady gaze upon His Kingdom, and leave all else behind...

And maybe... somewhere up ahead...

...or maybe not.

We all have ideas of what we should be in a relationship, but you won't actually know the answer to any of that until a few years down the line when you're older, wiser, and with someone who changes a few of the questions and re-calibrates your perspective.

My advice? Enjoy life and keep doing your thing. I try not to anticipate too much until the mist dissipates a bit. And even then, I'm keeping it loose until the very last minute.

^ That last part could translate as a character flaw; and I'm willing to own that.

 

[bèlla]

We all have ideas of what we should be in a relationship, but you won't actually know the answer to any of that until a few years down the line when you're older, wiser, and with someone who changes a few of the questions and re-calibrates your perspective.

You're right. People spend too much time in their head on this issue. And none of it is real. That's the part they never grasp. There's another person involved and that changes the picture.

You've gotta get comfortable with not knowing and realize it isn't the end of the world. That's when life begins. You respond to the moment instead of the script you've crafted or someone else's.

 

[ReesePiece23]

You're right. People spend too much time in their head on this issue. And none of it is real. That's the part they never grasp. There's another person involved and that changes the picture.

You've gotta get comfortable with not knowing and realize it isn't the end of the world. That's when life begins. You respond to the moment instead of the script you've crafted or someone else's.

Come to think of it, 100% of the best, most memorable moments of my life happened 'off-script'. There's honestly nothing more freeing than forgetting who you THOUGHT you were in lieu of who you really are. We're always a lot younger than we think. Undue pressure will age you faster than 40 cigarettes a day.

Of course, set a goal and work for it. But don't expect the journey to be the linear one you set out. To be honest, the ad-lib stuff tends to be better than the ad-hoc; now there's food for thought.

Since we're talking about relationships here and NOT a business model, I shall reiterate "enjoy life and keep doing your thing, Tone" once again.

Because lets face it, you're probably a better person than you think. This over-preparation is only going to stifle you. The best paintings are always brushy, slapped together and almost ugly looking close up. But when viewed in its entirety, it JUST comes together beautifully.

That's you. And probably most of us on here. All of this fiddling and fussing around is for the birds.

 

[bèlla]

Come to think of it, 100% of the best, most memorable moments of my life happened 'off-script'. There's honestly nothing more freeing than forgetting who you THOUGHT you were in lieu of who you really are. We're always a lot younger than we think. Undue pressure will age you faster than 40 cigarettes a day.

True. I met D on a forum. He saw a post I wrote about etiquette and messaged me seeking my advice on finding the same. And I helped him.

If he hit on me from the start I would have shot him down. He's young. Around my daughter's age. That would have been a firm no. Establishing discourse under a different guise allowed the conversation to develop and we recognized the qualities we were seeking in one another.

That may have been a rouse now that I think about it. Nevertheless, it worked. The unexpected is always an option. I never imagined I'd be compatible with someone his age. But he's very mature. He touches my wonder and innocence in a manner no one has. If I was following the rules I'd look elsewhere.

Because lets face it, you're probably a better person than you think. This over-preparation is only going to stifle you. The best paintings are always brushy, slapped together and almost ugly looking close up. But when viewed in its entirety, it JUST comes together beautifully.

That's you. And probably most of us on here. All of this fiddling and fussing around is for the birds.

The accomplished woman is a personal journey. But it helps me elsewhere. Especially with the opposite sex. I'd echo your sentiments with a caveat. It depends on who you want. Some opportunities require more than others.

Life is full of surprises. I've decided to settle in Europe. That wasn't my plan before. I'm enjoying the moments and leaving space for change. You never know what's on the horizon.

 

[ReesePiece23]

True. I met D on a forum. He saw a post I wrote about etiquette and messaged me seeking my advice on finding the same. And I helped him.

If he hit on me from the start I would have shot him down. He's young. Around my daughter's age. That would have been a firm no. Establishing discourse under a different guise allowed the conversation to develop and we recognized the qualities we were seeking in one another.

That may have been a rouse now that I think about it. Nevertheless, it worked. The unexpected is always an option. I never imagined I'd be compatible with someone his age. But he's very mature. He touches my wonder and innocence in a manner no one has. If I was following the rules I'd look elsewhere.



The accomplished woman is a personal journey. But it helps me elsewhere. Especially with the opposite sex. I'd echo your sentiments with a caveat. It depends on who you want. Some opportunities require more than others.

Life is full of surprises. I've decided to settle in Europe. That wasn't my plan before. I'm enjoying the moments and leaving space for change. You never know what's on the horizon.

Age doesn't equal maturity, BUT experience is everything. You can ride a bike 50 miles a day and burn it out in a year while the next person can own that same model, ride it every now and then, and 30 years later, it looks as if it's been barely used. It's all about the miles travelled not the amount of years spent getting there.

But, I'll insert this disclaimer in here NOW, because I feel it should be here: I'll NEVER talk to anyone under the age of 18, about anything. Ever. I don't care how mature they are. I've often considered joining the vigilantes and stinging the scum who do.

But I digress.

Hard work directed intelligently towards a linear goal will most likely spur off into non-linear things that you never thought were possible. It's easy to mistake this for failure and write it off, but it's NOT. Which is why we need to explore the possibilities with an open mind (and I'm jabbing myself with a stick here; I literally think this stuff as I type. Which proves my theory right because I signed in to talk about something else.)

I'm still considering the move to Utrecht. Haven't done it yet, but most likely will eventually. Why Utrecht? Because it's far away enough from Amsterdam to NOT distract me. Me and Amsterdam like each other, a lot.

 

[bèlla]

Age doesn't equal maturity, BUT experience is everything.

Experience is the difference. He milks life to the fullest. When I look at his resume I'm amazed. He's done so much and puts my hustle to shame. Where he differs from most is the lightness. He's so chill. Like a fine cognac. And adventurous too.

We share our passions and there's laughter and zest. There's moments of seriousness but that isn't the theme. And faith is an undercurrent. We're alive and our conversation shows it.

But, I'll insert this disclaimer in here NOW, because I feel it should be here: I'll NEVER talk to anyone under the age of 18, about anything. Ever. I don't care how mature they are. I've often considered joining the vigilantes and stinging the scum who do.

Not a chance. I can't go any younger.

Hard work directed intelligently towards a linear goal will most likely spur off into non-linear things that you never thought were possible. It's easy to mistake this for failure and write it off, but it's NOT. Which is why we need to explore the possibilities with an open mind (and I'm jabbing myself with a stick here; I literally think this stuff as I type. Which proves my theory right because I signed in to talk about something else.)

I'm craving the countryside. I'll do my time in the city to finish school. But I want to live elsewhere. Where I can grow my food, have some vines, and relax.

I'm still considering the move to Utrecht. Haven't done it yet, but most likely will eventually. Why Utrecht? Because it's far away enough from Amsterdam to NOT distract me. Me and Amsterdam like each other, a lot.

You'd never slow down. There's too much to do. A little distance is good.

 

[JustSomeBloke]

I'm telling myself that I'm going to be a model of restraint, and only eat one cookie at a time.

 

[bèlla]

I'm telling myself that I'm going to be a model of restraint, and only eat one cookie at a time.

They look good. Are they sweet? I found a nice cookie brand and couldn’t stop eating them. Since I don’t want to spend my days tethered to a treadmill I can’t buy them.

 

[JustSomeBloke]

They look good. Are they sweet? I found a nice cookie brand and couldn’t stop eating them. Since I don’t want to spend my days tethered to a treadmill I can’t buy them.

They are the ones baked fresh everyday in the instore bakery, so they're soft to bite into, very sweet, and have quite a lot of cocoa in them too. I think the 'triple' means they have plain, milk, and white chocolate chunks in them. Immediately after eating one, I have a strong urge to eat another. I guess it must be some kind of sugar/cocoa hit. And I've had a sweet tooth since I was a child. If I can resist then the urge soon passes, and the remaining cookies get a temporary reprieve. I'm trying to restrict to one sweet treat a day. Not for weight loss reasons, but because I don't think the human body was really designed for highly refined sugar.

 

[bèlla]

They are the ones baked fresh everyday in the instore bakery, so they're soft to bite into, very sweet, and have quite a lot of cocoa in them too. I think the 'triple' means they have plain, milk, and white chocolate chunks in them. Immediately after eating one, I have a strong urge to eat another. I guess it must be some kind of sugar/cocoa hit. And I've had a sweet tooth since I was a child. If I can resist then the urge soon passes, and the remaining cookies get a temporary reprieve. I'm trying to restrict to one sweet treat a day. Not for weight loss reasons, but because I don't think the human body was really designed for highly refined sugar.

They look sweet. That's why I asked. I don't have cookies often. I used to get some from Whole Foods. But the recipe changed and they make my teeth hurt. I'm not big on sweets.

But I found an organic brand that's really good. The first one I tried was peanut butter. I couldn't stop eating them. Then I had their version of an oreo and the same thing happened. That's when I put my foot down.

The only pig out food I keep in the house is wine. If something makes me overindulge I won't buy it.

 

[Tone]

Housekeeping is a continuum. As we discard the debris the rooms get brighter and the air changes. You have to be willing to undergo it. It's much safer to remain in the dark. You can't bring someone to that point. They have to do it on their own. Then they'll stick with it.

Yeah, i am willing, but it just seemed that the housekeeping was too fabricated by her.

Don't swim against the current or dwell on the big stuff. Take each day as it comes.

Yes, this is what I wanted us to do.

You'll find the page together. Don't come with a script. It rarely goes that way.

She had a script...

And it became too rigourous for me...stop and go kind of stuff. When it flows I want to ride it out...not hash it out. Or at least work on just one thing a day, not multiple "issues".

I used to think the same but that was fear talking. There's nothing scarce about God. All you need to focus on is how you're getting in the way of His plan. Enjoy the moments. Live the questions. Stop being so hard on yourself.

She kept saying I asked for her help...

 

[Tone]

That's what I did. I spent 20 years becoming an accomplished woman. Not in a modern sense. They way it was defined long ago.

I don't think I've ever admitted that here. Now I have.

This sounds familiar to me.

 

[DragonFox91]

Trying to get an aquarium going reminds me when I used to love animal documentaries on Animal Planet & the Discovery Channel. I wonder when Shark Week is this year?

 

[bèlla]

Yeah, i am willing, but it just seemed that the housekeeping was to fabricated by her.

Everyone enters at a different point of readiness. We all have a script. The key is making sure you don't choose someone who emphasizes the wrong part. You want to play to your strengths.

There's nothing wrong with being ride and die. But they have to earn that. You don't get it out the gate. Everything is gravy in the beginning. The real work begins when you go under the hood.

If sticktuitiveness is a strength. Leave the skittish ones alone. They'll disappoint you.

And it became too rigourous for me...stop and go kind of stuff. When it flows I want to ride it out...not hash it out. Or at least work on just one thing a day, not multiple "issues".

You should save that comment. That's your roadmap. What you're describing comes with maturity and a calm temperament. Some people are fussy. Fear creates reactance that behaves the same. In both instances the person is unsettled. Sometimes they can push through it and not go off the rails.

You'll see examples of what I'm describing in my comments about D. Specifically the one I shared about what I wrote. I'll post it for clarity's sake.

My former self would tell someone in my position to be patient and wait for him. Honor him in the silence. Serve him through it all. Do the things he values. When he's ready to speak he will.

If you want to have a fulfilling relationship you can't respond to everything. And you have to protect your crawlspace. You can't allow certain things in your head. You've gotta shut it down.

Getting angry, crying, etc. would put me in the wrong headspace. Instead of focusing on myself I did the opposite. I asked what he'd expect of me in that situation.You can't have love, respect, and admiration by dwelling on problems. Most stuff is minor and not worth discussing.

That's my script. He draws out the good parts. That's what you want. The person who makes you better by their presence. Relationships shouldn't be a slog. Especially in the early days. If it is there's something wrong. And you're probably not compatible.

Pay attention to how she handles problems and setbacks. That'll let you know if she has the temperament you need. A cool head is best. And examine her friends. Women influence each other a lot. They spend too much time venting and complaining.

I don't talk to them about men. I talk to my family. At 70 and 80 you have a different mindset. I don't need someone to corroborate my crazy idea. I need them to call it out. That's how I protect my crawlspace.

Sometimes you can mind-f a situation to death. And you need to shut up. When you don't have people around you with that mentality you do the same.

If you want longevity you have to clear the decks and put things around you that reinforce the ideal.

 

[bèlla]

This sounds familiar to me.

I've mentioned my personal development plan. But I rarely acknowledge the number. It's about 25 years now. For a time I wondered if that contributed to my singleness. It didn't.