What's on your mind?

[Toro]

@Owlette

Well, change in anyone is to be expected, single or in a relationship. Anyone that isn't constantly changing/growing will grow stale. We may think that we ourselves have not changed, but that is because we are around us every day, every moment..... we are too close to see those little changes that grow until we are a completely different person. Even if we do the same thing every day.... it doesn't mean there isn't an internal change happening.

Just make sure you are growing in a positive way and not a negative one as a whole and you're good.

Well, I don't know the situation but.... it all comes down to the person. How much are they willing to take from their parents? IMO if a parent feels abandoned and makes their child feel guilty because their child lives their life that is emotional black mail. IF you think there is VERY likely to be a marriage in the future its not even biblical to choose ones own parents over a husband/wife (if that is a strong possibility)

Ephesians 5:31-33

Thats not to say that if a parent goes to "X" point they have gone to far. Each person is different and each couple must discuss the issues and figure out just how much they as a couple are willing to take as a couple. If the parents in question push beyond that point and one is more worried about upsetting parent over husband/wife..... they are not cut out to be married IMO if they are unwilling to stand up for the one they should love more than anyone (aside from Jesus of course)

Now, if there is likely no real future there.... then the person would have to decide for themselves.... is this (Mr/Ms) Right now worth all the added drama from parents?

If the question is directed about the parents side of things. Just because a child goes off to live life is basic and understood as an inevitability by most parents, so to wish them anything less than all the joy their heart can contain is over reacting and selfish. Again, IMO.

 

[Drifter Kybe Scythe Kane]

How come women have a lot to do with inconvenience? Like not paid enough compared to men and the such? Darn. Oh well.

 

[Paulie079]

I wonder how much change in a person is normal when they are in a relationship. Should you always expect to be the exact same person when incorporating someone into your life? Or is it normal to change?

I guess it depends on what kind of change you are talking about. I think relationships do take some adjusting, especially if a person isn't used to being in them. A relationship can have some effects that are hard to foresee until you are in one. The biggest one I can think of is that relationships have a way of drawing our insecurities to the surface, and so how that is dealt with can vary from person to person. It is also extremely easy to make a relationship the #1 priority over everything else in one's life, which can be unhealthy.
But on the flipside, relationships can turn a good person into an even better person as well, so it just depends. I would caution, though, that if a person is turning out to be significantly different from the way they were when you first met them, it's something to pay attention to. People can be good at hiding the dark parts of themselves until a comfort level is reached where those things start to seep out.

And how normal is it for parents to feel like their son/daughter is abandoning them when he/she is trying to date someone? And what is a normal reaction to that feeling of abandonment? What is overreacting?

I don't know how common it is exactly, but I don't think it's uncommon. Especially if they have a relationship with their parents where they are very involved in their son or daughter's life, it can take some adjusting for the parents as well as their child naturally (and rightly) drifts away to someone else.
I don't know about normalcy, but the right response on the part of those parents is to come to accept what is happening. If the parents fight it instead, then it becomes a boundary issue as they are inhibiting their son/daughter from taking healthy, mature steps in life. The main thing to keep in mind, though, is that it is something for the son/daughter to handle with their parents on their own. The boyfriend/girlfriend can't be the one to have that conversation with their S.O.'s parents.
And again, I think this is where some caution needs to be exercised. There are situations where a person remains too attached to their parents even after they get into a relationship (and some even after getting married), and this is a situation that needs to be addressed early on before a lot of frustration and heartache happens. Some people just don't know how to establish healthy boundaries with their parents, but it is super important in order for a relationship to succeed.

 

[Miss Spaulding]

And how normal is it for parents to feel like their son/daughter is abandoning them when he/she is trying to date someone? And what is a normal reaction to that feeling of abandonment? What is overreacting?

Normal wouldn't be the word I would use. There's nothing normal about a parent exhibiting an attitude of 'you're abandoning me' when their grown child has entered a relationship is naturally gravitating away from the parents' parental grasp. For the youngest child, only child, or child easily dominated, this kind of parent-child-relationship scenario most likely occurs. I am the youngest, and for some time now I've suspected that should I begin dating someone I do believe it would be a rude awakening for my mother. So again, there's nothing 'normal' about this, but it is something that I do think can be common in certain situations and should be dealt with.

 

[Owlette]

Deleted.

 

[Toro]

@Owlette

Well, if his parents are in the picture that much then I would say you are past "parental involvement being too deep" as that line has been crossed. I say talk to your parents and tell them the reason you go over to visit his parents so much ISN'T cause they are being replaced but simply that they invite you to do things.

Assuming that has been done already, Id say plan to do things with your parents. At least put the effort out there...... if they refuse, then at least you did your part..... as the saying goes "You can lead a horse to water, but you cant make it drink"

At the end of the day, you have to live your life. You aren't responsible for how your parents choose to feel after you have tried to communicate its a case of accepting an invite and nothing more and you try to include them so they wont feel that way.

 

[Senkaku]

wow, the new Nikken looks pretty cool

 

[Paulie079]

@Owlette

There is a book called Boundaries by Henry Cloud that I think you would find helpful in navigating this situation. And yeah, ultimately it just comes down to being honest (and probably a little patient) with your parents, but acknowledging that you are not making any wrong decisions by spending time with your boyfriend and not feeling bad about that.

 

[NurseAbigail]

Man, Paul Washer's preaching style always convicts me. One of the best preachers I must admit. He sticks with the Word and say it as it is with no apologies.

 

[Owlette]

Deleted.

 

[Owlette]

@Owlette

There is a book called Boundaries by Henry Cloud that I think you would find helpful in navigating this situation. And yeah, ultimately it just comes down to being honest (and probably a little patient) with your parents, but acknowledging that you are not making any wrong decisions by spending time with your boyfriend and not feeling bad about that.

Thanks!! Sounds like what I need... I will check it out.

 

[Owlette]

Deleted.

 

[Owlette]

@Owlette

I find it unhealthy that a parent would be in a relationship--with his or her son or daughter--in such a way that it would be perceived as the adult child abandoning the parent.

I think it is good to trust someone who is worthy of keeping his or her promises. It seems quite popular now to break promises. People shamelessly look out for number 1. Betrayal means nothing to many people; traitors enjoy causing others pain and ruin. I think we need a good reason to trust someone beyond being happy at the moment because we change.

Thank you, it helped a lot to read this.

 

[kittysbecute]

If you do start dating someone, make sure to prep your mom if you think it will go somewhere. I didn't think I had to do that, but I should have.

Even if it may be unnecessary, I think that's a good idea.

 

[Toro]

@Owlette

No need to apologize. Defensive or not, angry or not. What you are going through is stressful and hard to deal with. No worries. I dont take it personally even if you were.

Well, it sounds as if you have done all you can do. As I said before, you AREN'T responsible for what others choose to do/feel/think. Your only responsibility is to keep your heart open for any efforts they make..... all you can control is you.

IMO you aren't to blame and shouldn't beat yourself up, its THEIR choice to push away, either by passive aggressive behavior/words or by not putting in any/much effort. Its unfortunate but all you can do at this point is to keep your heart open to their efforts (no matter how small they may be) and pray that their eyes will be opened that their attitudes will drive you away or keep you around but leave you very unhappy being emotionally manipulated. Either way, its selfish parenting on their part IMO (By only focusing on what THEY want, to always have you around. Instead of what you want in your life.)

 

[Saucy]

@Owlette just stopping by the forum today after a break from posting and saw your post. Sounds like a very stressful situation and I wanted you to know I'm praying for you. Lots of people gave great advice. I hope things work out.

 

[SarahsKnight]

Miss @Owlette , all I can say is, after reading of your plight ... you have a lot more patience with your family than I would have in a case like this. Doesn't sound to me like you are reacting or sounding too angrily at all.

 

[Owlette]

@Owlette
I think with any relationships, friendships and family included, there will be some change over time. Naturally people are influenced by the people they spend a lot of time with.
For example, I've noticed married couples saying the same phrases when they talk and I wonder who said it first.
And I know friends definitely copy each other in some ways (intentionally or not).
Me and my sister sound crazily like each other if I hear our voices recorded, perhaps because we grew up together and our minds are on the same wavelength on many things.
I think it's important to examine if they are good changes and if you are happy with them.

Well, change in anyone is to be expected, single or in a relationship. Anyone that isn't constantly changing/growing will grow stale. We may think that we ourselves have not changed, but that is because we are around us every day, every moment..... we are too close to see those little changes that grow until we are a completely different person. Even if we do the same thing every day.... it doesn't mean there isn't an internal change happening.

Just make sure you are growing in a positive way and not a negative one as a whole and you're good.

I see what you both mean... You both said that as long as the changes are good/positive, that changes are okay. Makes sense... I think that's pretty much where I'm at.

 

[Owlette]

Deleted.

 

[Owlette]

Deleted.