The dreaded Friend Zone lol

[Zach91]

The Friend Zone is like the Hotel California---You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave!

 

[Maryland Girl]

Friendzone Mythbusters!!!
Myth: If your friend/crush friendzones you, you should do the right thing and stay friends with them. Keep hanging out with them, keep being there for them, and keep being a good friend to them.
Truth: There's no law that says you have to stay friends with someone who friendzones you! Even if you've been good friends for years! You owe it to yourself to distance yourself for a while and move on! It's perfectly healthy! Nothing wrong or sinful about it!

Yeah see, I think some people are in the friend zone and need to put some healthy distance between them and the friend that they have romantic feelings for. In my view there's two kinds of friend zones. There's the friend zone where we act like friends only, but one person wants something more. Then there's the friend zone where I'm actually crossing the line into treating you like my boyfriend, using you to meet the emotional and some physical needs that an actual boyfriend would provide. i.e, I spend hours talking to you, I hug you a lot, touch you a lot, flirt with you, really cross the line, BUT I feel I have the freedom to do these things because I think we have an understanding that we're just friends. And you wouldn't dare make the mistake and think I actually mean those things in a romantic way. You know you're just like my brother, right?

In my opinion, a person in friend zone number two is being used and taken for granted. It's time to set some boundaries. If we're just friends, then you need to ease up on calling, texting, touching me, etc. If you want to be my boyfriend/girlfriend (depending if you're a guy or girl) then we need to make it official. But that in between friend zone, that's the one where you have to take action to get your self respect back.

 

[Rose of Eden]

Yeah see, I think some people are in the friend zone and need to put some healthy distance between them and the friend that they have romantic feelings for. In my view there's two kinds of friend zones. There's the friend zone where we act like friends only, but one person wants something more. Then there's the friend zone where I'm actually crossing the line into treating you like my boyfriend, using you to meet the emotional and some physical needs that an actual boyfriend would provide. i.e, I spend hours talking to you, I hug you a lot, touch you a lot, flirt with you, really cross the line, BUT I feel I have the freedom to do these things because I think we have an understanding that we're just friends. And you wouldn't dare make the mistake and think I actually mean those things in a romantic way. You know you're just like my brother, right?

In my opinion, a person in friend zone number two is being used and taken for granted. It's time to set some boundaries. If we're just friends, then you need to ease up on calling, texting, touching me, etc. If you want to be my boyfriend/girlfriend (depending if you're a guy or girl) then we need to make it official. But that in between friend zone, that's the one where you have to take action to get your self respect back.

I so agree!!! Some people are just cruel and selfish and try to take advantage of people they put in the friend zone.

However, even if they're not taking advantage, I still say there's no reason the friendzoned person has to stay and be the friend. Situations like that have happened to me and heck, I didn't stay! I guess I just don't like the idea of hanging around because it makes me feel pathetic and desperate so I tend to cut ties ASAP lol.

 

[wannaberocker]

Because you mentioned it, I don't want to be in your friendzone because it's too mainstream. But it's okay. My mainstream-free friendzone is un-mainstream enough to make everything blazing perfect for hipsters like us.

how can you reject my friendzone for being mainstream and then mention your friendzone and still maintan that its un mainstream? We need a zone that is between the friendzone and the couplezone. NOw that would be truly unmainstream, perfect for hipsters like us lol.

we are dorks arnt we lol.

 

[Jupiter Drops]

how can you reject my friendzone for being mainstream and then mention your friendzone and still maintan that its un mainstream? We need a zone that is between the friendzone and the couplezone. NOw that would be truly unmainstream, perfect for hipsters like us lol.

we are dorks arnt we lol.

Yes. Yes, you are. Kidding. I am a huge dork. Dorksters everywhere unite!

I don't like zones that are friendzone-couplezone. It's like saying I want to be with you because you're like a comfortable pea-soup colored couch, but not really into you.

Obviously my friendzone is superior to yours because I am a bigger, un-mainstream dork. *evil laugh*

 

[NoodlesNoodlesNoodles]

The commonly referred to "Friendzone" should be renamed "The Unattractive Zone." If you're good looking, you don't* get friend zoned. Sad, but largely true.

There appears to be two zones. The Spineless Zone, which has a subsection called The Echelon of Entitlement. And then the Unattractive Zone, which has two camps: Tentcity of Ugly and Jerk Suburbia.

The Spineless Zone are guys who don't step up and let themselves get discouraged too easily. (Yes, there are some who get shot down a lot. A lot. They do not inhabit the Friendzone, but the Unattractive Zone.) Then there's the Echelon of Entitlement who maybe step up sometimes, but mostly don't and expect that their constant flow of good deeds, being a faithful listener, and being oh so thoughtful will some day be cashed out for a relationship. Any by relationship I mean sex. The Echelon of Entitlement appears to be typically populated by passive aggressive, borderline emotionally abusive headcases, because you've got to be a headcase to let people treat you like that all the time without drawing boundaries.

The Unattractive Zone are the people who step up, but don't supply a steady flow of unrequited gifts and time, and yet get shot down over and over. Face it - you're not attractive enough in the eyes of those you've stepped up to. Lest anyone say "Oh but I know this one guy who's ugly as a monkey's butt and he gets loads of girls!" Notice I don't call it the Ugly Zone. You can be ugly and yet attractive. Attraction is larger than looks -- although I will posit that looks are perhaps on the order of 80% of attraction.

I maintain that the Unattractive Zone has a much larger population of "ugly" people than "pretty people who are ugly on the inside." Physically unattractive people live in Ugly Tentcity and they have used most of the land in The Unattractive Zone. A much smaller portion of land has had subdivision houses built on it and is called Jerk Suburbia. That's where pretty people live who park in handicapped spots without a tag and never tip their wait staff at restaurants.

Lest anyone say "Oh but attraction is subjective and relative!" Indeed it is, but there are overarching qualities that transcend most cultures and personalities such that some people are generally more attractive than others in any given population. Attraction isn't a total chaos of happenstance and subjectivity. It has a fairly straight path with enough variance to make things interesting.

It's a stark truth I've had to face from both perspectives. You get shot down as a rule? You're in The Unattractive Zone, probably in Ugly Tentcity. And I say this in sorrow at my own pettiness. I'm too old to have so recently seen my own culpability in this. I've shot people down and pushed them into The Unattractive Zone -- into a small tent. Nothing else was seriously wrong with them. "Oh but there just wasn't... you know... chemistry!" Yeah. BS. Here's your tent.

Where's my sackloth and ash...



*not meant in a universal absolute sense, of course.

 

[Rose of Eden]

The commonly referred to "Friendzone" should be renamed "The Unattractive Zone." If you're good looking, you don't* get friend zoned. Sad, but largely true.

There appears to be two zones. The Spineless Zone, which has a subsection called The Echelon of Entitlement. And then the Unattractive Zone, which has to camps: Tentcity of Ugly and Jerk Suburbia.

The Spineless Zone are guys who don't step up and let themselves get discouraged too easily. (Yes, there are some who get shot down a lot. A lot. They do not inhabit the Friendzone, but the Unattractive Zone.) Then there's the Echelon of Entitlement who maybe step up sometimes, but mostly don't and expect that their constant flow of good deeds, being a faithful listener, and being oh so thoughtful will some day be cached out for a relationship. Any by relationship I mean sex. The Echelon of Entitlement appears to be typically populated by passive aggressive, borderline emotionally abusive headcases, because you've got to be a headcase to let people treat you like that all the time without drawing boundaries.

The Unattractive Zone are the people who step up, but don't supply a steady flow of unrequited gifts and time, and yet get shot down over and over. Face it - you're not attractive enough in the eyes of those you've stepped up to. Lest anyone say "Oh but I know this one guy who's ugly as a monkey's butt and he gets loads of girls!" Notice I don't call it the Ugly Zone. You can be ugly and yet attractive. Attraction is larger than looks -- although I will posit that looks are perhaps on the order of 80% of attraction.

I maintain that the Unattractive Zone has a much larger population of "ugly" people than "pretty people who are ugly on the inside." Physically unattractive people live in Ugly Tentcity and they have used most of the land in The Unattractive Zone. A much smaller portion of land has had subdivision houses built on it and is called Jerk Suburbia. That's where pretty people live who park in handicapped spots without a tag and never tip their wait staff at restaurants.

Lest anyone say "Oh but attraction is subjective and relative!" Indeed it is, but there are overarching qualities that transcend most cultures and personalities such that some people are generally more attractive than others in any given population. Attraction isn't a total chaos of happenstance and subjectivity. It has a fairly straight path with enough variance to make things interesting.

It's a stark truth I've had to face from both perspectives. You get shot down as a rule? You're in The Unattractive Zone, probably in Ugly Tentcity. And I say this in sorrow at my own pettiness. I'm too old to have so recently seen my own culpability in this. I've shot people down and pushed them into The Unattractive Zone -- into a small tent. Nothing else was seriously wrong with them. "Oh but there just wasn't... you know... chemistry!" Yeah. BS. Here's your tent.

Where's my sackloth and ash...



*not meant in a universal absolute sense, of course.

First of all, women get friendzoned too! All the time, in fact! All those men who use women for booty calls and "friends with benefits"...basically the same as being friendzoned! It's often the female equivalent of a guy being "stuck in the friendzone." There are even many men who will put their female friends in the friendzone in the exact same way many women do, with no physical "benefits" at all. And many times these women are pretty good looking too!

And second, getting put in the friendzone simply means that the other person isn't attracted to something about you (either your looks or your personality). And that just means you're not their type, no big deal! It doesn't mean you're unattractive. I know MANY very attractive people who've been friendzoned, both male and female! Really, the only people who never get friendzoned are the super, super attractive people, like the 10s, people who look like models and the hottest A-list celebrities. Those are the only people who never get friendzoned. Everyone else gets friendzoned at least once in their life...whether they realize it or not!

 

[Miss Spaulding]

The commonly referred to "Friendzone" should be renamed "The Unattractive Zone." If you're good looking, you don't* get friend zoned. Sad, but largely true.

There appears to be two zones. The Spineless Zone, which has a subsection called The Echelon of Entitlement. And then the Unattractive Zone, which has to camps: Tentcity of Ugly and Jerk Suburbia.

The Spineless Zone are guys who don't step up and let themselves get discouraged too easily. (Yes, there are some who get shot down a lot. A lot. They do not inhabit the Friendzone, but the Unattractive Zone.) Then there's the Echelon of Entitlement who maybe step up sometimes, but mostly don't and expect that their constant flow of good deeds, being a faithful listener, and being oh so thoughtful will some day be cached out for a relationship. Any by relationship I mean sex. The Echelon of Entitlement appears to be typically populated by passive aggressive, borderline emotionally abusive headcases, because you've got to be a headcase to let people treat you like that all the time without drawing boundaries.

The Unattractive Zone are the people who step up, but don't supply a steady flow of unrequited gifts and time, and yet get shot down over and over. Face it - you're not attractive enough in the eyes of those you've stepped up to. Lest anyone say "Oh but I know this one guy who's ugly as a monkey's butt and he gets loads of girls!" Notice I don't call it the Ugly Zone. You can be ugly and yet attractive. Attraction is larger than looks -- although I will posit that looks are perhaps on the order of 80% of attraction.

I maintain that the Unattractive Zone has a much larger population of "ugly" people than "pretty people who are ugly on the inside." Physically unattractive people live in Ugly Tentcity and they have used most of the land in The Unattractive Zone. A much smaller portion of land has had subdivision houses built on it and is called Jerk Suburbia. That's where pretty people live who park in handicapped spots without a tag and never tip their wait staff at restaurants.

Lest anyone say "Oh but attraction is subjective and relative!" Indeed it is, but there are overarching qualities that transcend most cultures and personalities such that some people are generally more attractive than others in any given population. Attraction isn't a total chaos of happenstance and subjectivity. It has a fairly straight path with enough variance to make things interesting.

It's a stark truth I've had to face from both perspectives. You get shot down as a rule? You're in The Unattractive Zone, probably in Ugly Tentcity. And I say this in sorrow at my own pettiness. I'm too old to have so recently seen my own culpability in this. I've shot people down and pushed them into The Unattractive Zone -- into a small tent. Nothing else was seriously wrong with them. "Oh but there just wasn't... you know... chemistry!" Yeah. BS. Here's your tent.

Where's my sackloth and ash...



*not meant in a universal absolute sense, of course.

A winning post. We have a winning post, y'all.

Noodles, you literally made me laugh out loud with this one.

 

[NoodlesNoodlesNoodles]

I'll quote you slightly out of order, but still in context:

First of all, women get friendzoned too! All the time, in fact!

There are even many men who will put their female friends in the friendzone in the exact same way many women do, with no physical "benefits" at all. And many times these women are pretty good looking too!

We are in agreement. Notice that I didn't mention gender once in my post, except to say that I, a male, had been the one who has in the past friendzoned girls for... less than chivalrous reasons.

All those men who use women for booty calls and "friends with benefits"...basically the same as being friendzoned! It's often the female equivalent of a guy being "stuck in the friendzone."

At first I was going to disagree that a bang-buddy was the same as a friend zoned guy, but then I sat back, pursed my lips and thinkinated a little bit. I think you're right. For a girl who wants the intimacy of a relationship, it does appear that many friends-with-benefits arrangements are really similar friendzones. The guy gets what he has a strong desire for, and that includes the freedom to leave with no commitments. In the guy-got-friendzoned-zone, the girl gets what she wants, the emotional stability, sounding board, and attention, with none of what she doesn't. Namely sex and cosigning on a car loan.

And second, getting put in the friendzone simply means that the other person isn't attracted to something about you (either your looks or your personality). And that just means you're not their type, no big deal!

Right - I'm concerned that the concept of "type" and decision making based largely on physical attraction is superseding the much more biblical concept of choosing mates based on godly character. So looking back, let's say... four years. At my old church. There was a girl that went there, about my age. She was sweet, godly, cheerful, patient, kind... no major flaws in her personality, really. I wasn't blown away by her qualities, but I rarely am by anyone. I didn't make any approach of her. Why?

Spoiler: You have one guess.

Most meth labs look better than she did.

Ergo, I am a petty, ungodly person in that area of my life.

It doesn't mean you're unattractive. I know MANY very attractive people who've been friendzoned, both male and female! Really, the only people who never get friendzoned are the super, super attractive people, like the 10s, people who look like models and the hottest A-list celebrities. Those are the only people who never get friendzoned. Everyone else gets friendzoned at least once in their life...whether they realize it or not!

Yeah -- and this now gets into the murky waters of "What role does physical attraction play in mate selection." Up until very recently, in most cultures it played next to no major role in decision making except by the highly privileged classes. Certainly people like to be with someone who's easy on the eyes, but does it matter? Some people will say "I don't want to be with someone who doesn't think I'm attractive to some degree" and that's fine, but let's not conflate preference with fiat. God doesn't think I'm pretty by myself, unless clothed with a righteousness that is not my own.

Wait, did that sound too good-christian-kid? I'll stop here so you can gag.

 

[NoodlesNoodlesNoodles]

A winning post. We have a winning post, y'all.

Noodles, you literally made me laugh out loud with this one.

So at least if I'm petty, I've got you around to amuse with it. So I've got that going for me.

 

[Maryland Girl]

Some of these comments are kind of harsh. I feel sorry for people in the friend zone reading them.

Being in the friend zone means there isn't mutual attraction or it could be that you've been friends for so long, that that person just hasn't considered you in that way. Sometimes two friends dress really casually around each other. See what happens if you change your style. Something a little sharper or slightly dressier than your norm, and see if your friends start seeing you in a different light.

Other times, there's just a quality that makes you two incompatible. They may see it, but maybe to you it's not an issue. I know of one person that I friend zoned because of our religious beliefs. We got along as friends great, and I actually was attracted to him. But I knew it wouldn't work, so I kept him at arms length. I certainly wouldn't want him to think I thought he was ugly or should be sterilized.

 

[wannaberocker]

Yes. Yes, you are. Kidding. I am a huge dork. Dorksters everywhere unite!

I don't like zones that are friendzone-couplezone. It's like saying I want to be with you because you're like a comfortable pea-soup colored couch, but not really into you.

Obviously my friendzone is superior to yours because I am a bigger, un-mainstream dork. *evil laugh*

ah i dont mind being a dork sometimes, i have my dork moments lol.

so we must find something less mainstream than a zone. How about instread of a zone we develop a realm.

But i dont wanna be in your zone because once you claim it as unmainstream. YOu totally become mainstream. Now because i suggested a realm , i truly think that is more unmainstream than a zone.

Realm always beats a zone.

 

[Jupiter Drops]

But now that a realm was mentioned, it's mainstream.

I think I'll stick to being mainstream.

 

[MacFall]

I always thought the friendzone was a function of the modern idea that friends cannot or should not date; not just a simple matter of attraction from one party that is not reciprocated.

I've been the recipient of both. It's not a big deal when affection isn't returned. That's normal. It's even ubiquitous. But it is really frustrating when you run into this: "Oh, I'd really LOVE to date you, but you're my friend! If we dated then you wouldn't be my friend anymore, and I don't want to lose that!"

As if a good romantic couple isn't supposed to be friends? Ridiculous. I think we can safely blame the player/pickup artist culture for that idea. What's really sad is that it has been absorbed even by Christians in search of a godly relationship. It shows a total lack of understanding of love and intimacy. If you're dating with the intention of dumping the person later then you are using them. And if you're not intending to dump them later, if you really care for them and plan on making the relationship stick, then there had better be friendship between the two of you. It is insane to try to have love without friendship.

So how much of the "friendzone" phenomenon is due to the "friends can't be lovers" idea, and how much of it is just disappointed suitors blaming it on a loose understanding of that? I don't know. In the latter case it's just excuse-making. But in the former it is a real problem.

 

[Amber.ly]

So at least if I'm petty, I've got you around to amuse with it. So I've got that going for me.

I totally read that as "So at least if I'm pretty"


And then spent a few moments in complete confusion

 

[NoodlesNoodlesNoodles]

I totally read that as "So at least if I'm pretty"


And then spent a few moments in complete confusion

I knew using "petty" would confuse people in a post about "pretty." I did it on purpose.

 

[anewday]

I knew using "petty" would confuse people in a post about "pretty." I did it on purpose.

Whoa! Noodles posted !

 

[Miss Spaulding]

I knew using "petty" would confuse people in a post about "pretty." I did it on purpose.

I thought it was 'pretty' as well. LOL. ...Crafty...

 

[NoodlesNoodlesNoodles]

Whoa! Noodles posted !

I can always be counted on to show up in a thread where the probability of controversy is high.

 

[wannaberocker]

But now that a realm was mentioned, it's mainstream.

I think I'll stick to being mainstream.

Being unmainstream isnt easy. But ill keep trying.