Starting to resent my husband

[dallasapple]

I just found a Christian Psychologist in the region who takes my insurance! Perfect I was able to book an appointment for tomorrow.

Dallas

 

[dallasapple]

So that I can get off of the emotional roller coaster that I've been riding since day one. Believe me, I didn't make any negative assumptions the first 15 times that he did this.

Exactly ..when you are marreid to a person for long enough you dont have to make "assumptions" there are clear patterns and predictable behaviros that are proven over and over and over..cycles that you can identify the beginning middle and end of are not "assumptions' they are facts..that are happening to you ..

Dallas

 

[dallasapple]

Before I marreid my husband of course i was only a teenagar I got the "suffocating" feeling and that he was breathing down my neck and I woudl tell him to leave me alone..then he would go away ..then I felt horribley guilty becaseu he was just so "sweet " and attentive ..then we woud get back together etc..I was however very hesitant to get married(we had a baby when I was 14 and him 16 long story but he abaondoned us for 2 years and we got back together and thats when he was like the opposite..lived nd breathed ME)..anyway ...the MINUTE(I mean on the honeymoon) we got marreid their was an abrubt change in him..him demanding things ..then gradually especially after oru 2nd child was born(that he BEGGED me to have ..I was sitll only 21 and him 23 and this woudl be our 2nd)...about 1 and 1/2 years after we were marreid thats when the real passive agressiveness I call it started..mocking me in a "joking way"..every feeling or emotion i had him tellign me "I shouldnt feel that way HE wouldnt' ..I was too "sensitve" I was "too angry " I was "not goig not sit around all day doing NOTHING(with 2 children including a new born AND I worked part time at this time) while he worked all day and on and on and on and on ..the demanding and "not takign no for an answer" with the sex ..grabbing groping..even after I TOLD him it was too much i felt overwhelmed and suffocated..he called me "abnormal" becasue I didnt WANT to have sex every single day ...or love it that he wanted to grab my breast and rear end everytiem we were in the same room together...

But to answer your question I guess the neediness was there before marraige but he was NEVER mean ..never called me one single name..even when TBH I probably deserved it..once married a COMPLETELY different story ..he had apparrently believed that i woudl do exactly what he wanted..when he wanted it when we married..when I DID not..he turned on me ..like a snake..eventually cheatign on me with a stripper and blaming me and on and on ..I didnt act right either..I only WISH I knew then what i knew now and I dont think ..well I KNOW I never would have married him at least not AT the age we did..and not before some INTENSE therapy for both of us...

Much of the stuff I contribute to our very young agge and our own baggage from childhood..but how he CONTINUED to act all the way into our marraige and how it deteriated with his manipulations...LYING(he even admits he LIES becasue he learned to as a child ..and he does it to get away with doign WRONG)..invasive behavior and sexual obsession just ROARED..but he remained the 'nice guy" and of course everything was MY fault..even though he constantly siad "sorry" ..sorry for him means.."now you forget about that ..Im not even WRONG anyway you made me do it..now lets have sex"...

Im very HAPPY for you at least you are EARLY on adressign thiese issues..Im telling you for us it was like a cold ..that turned into a fatal disease and almost killed me..and I dont think hes been exaclty one happy camper either..Its actually a miracle we are still married..we are both stubborn peopel thats the only reason ..and I have to admit we also do have a deep passion for one another..even if sometimes its hate..the love part is so strong it held us together I think...

Dallas

 

[dallasapple]

On the software?I knwo its not really the point ..as in why would he sort of minimize the importance of yoir work and want to go "cheap" becasue of whatever reason he has..but to that kind of thing I've learned the hard way..Just say look..I dont need yoru "help on this' Im the expert here in this case I will buy it if I find it neccessarry I know what Im doing and I dont need your permission or advice..

Adn I say this because it will nip that stuff in the bud..stop it in its tracks instead of lettign it hurt your feelings adn then fester on it..its standign up for yourself since hes not on your side anyway...

I'm not a "professional" anything all my lifes work is unpaid volunteer work and I'm sorry I did it well..I LET him make me beleive I didnt that I wish I could have changed..I remember one time when I gave in and bought oneof those "swifter" mops..yep I had to try one..and he came home and saw it and you woudl have thought i had pulled up in the driveway in a new Mercedes that I had gone out and bought without "consulting " him ...he said YOU BOUGHT one of those?!! ..I said obviously I did..he said well "how much did you pay for it"?...I said I think it was 19.99 ..he said "I wish I woudl have known you were going to do that they have those at Wal-mart for I think around $18...I said t be honest I dont want to have to CONSULT WITH YOU OVER BUYING A DAMN MOP!!!...(by this point it had been maybe 15 years of CONSTANT I can do anything better than you can)...when I decided I wanted to start eatign Greek yogurt saem thing..he siad "you baught that?" I sadi YEP!..he litterally went on a research campaing ..gettign REVIEWS on what OTHER people chose as the #1 brand (it happened to be MY brand by the way) then proceeded to bring home different brands that were "cheaper" and told me to try them....If I open a door on a nice day to get some air..he closes it and says "your not the one that will have to replace this door if the wind blows it off"..When I wash pots and pans he tells me 'your going to ruin the sink banging those pans around"..If yoru "just now noticing" these things and its a PATTERN of his to FIRST say something negative or find soemthign WRONG with everything you do NIP it in the bud now..tell him you didnt ASK for nor do you want his "help"..

If the situation was reversed?It would drive them JUST as insane..and put them just as much on the defense and casue them to want to get away form us in the same manner..to aovid them ..to want to get away from them..the "popping in and out' of the room you are in when its obvious he doesnt need to go in there and you have fixed a "private" sort of spot for yourself is anotehr clue that hes NOT respecting your wishes..I even got to the point that I who am normally sort of a "hipee" with nudity (partial nudity anyway in the home) would shut adn lock the bathroom door and guess what he did?PICKED the lock while Im bathing and would laugh..and say "Im only kidding ..you just cant take a joke" when I became ENRAGED...Becasue its FAR from "funny" and he knows that..it was to let me know Im not going to get away with having any privacy..at least not that easily...I mentioned before becasue of this battle for cntrol of ME and my individualtiy..of MY BRAIN and my body I ended up with post traumatic shock..and it was at first subtle and gradual and just got worse and worse and worse...

Dallas

 

[JaneFW]

I just found a Christian Psychologist in the region who takes my insurance! Perfect I was able to book an appointment for tomorrow.

Awesome! Let us know how it goes. You can always talk to us in the women's forum you know? You have to go to the member's services area of CF, and you can request access to the women's forum there. We can talk more in depth about things there.

 

[UK Fred]

So that I can get off of the emotional roller coaster that I've been riding since day one. Believe me, I didn't make any negative assumptions the first 15 times that he did this.

Rather than wasting money on a Psychologist, why not speand some time with your husband reading together Emmerson Eggerich's book "Love and Respect" to learn all about the "Crazy Cycle".

But do remember that it is a book that does not take an egalitarian view of marriage and it will explain why you need to respect your husband for the marriage to be a truly God-glorifying relationship.

If you think that your husband needs sound Christian male support, ask him to have a look at www.the-generous-husband.com for Paul Byerly's input.

I know that you are concerned about the Christian Men's Defense Network, but that site, just like David Schnarch (Passionate Marriage Author and Crucible4points site) explains that unless a husband has a line beyond which they are not prepared to move, and their wife knows this, so that when a wife does some things she will be told, "That is your first and last time to do that. So far as our marriage goes, that is a deal breaker" and wife knows that he means what he says, then the marriage is toast.

If you do not have the confidence to let your husband make up his own mind about such sites as Dalrock, Chateau Heartiste, Hooking Up Smart, or University of Man, then you are describing him, in the words of Mark Driscoll as a boy who shaves, not a man.

 

[JaneFW]

If her husband wanted to find those sites, he would look for them. There is no reason for her to encourage her husband to join any noxious forums.

 

[designer mom]

Awesome! Let us know how it goes. You can always talk to us in the women's forum you know? You have to go to the member's services area of CF, and you can request access to the women's forum there. We can talk more in depth about things there.

Oh, I wasn't aware of that! Sounds good to me, might as well make some virtual friends while I'm in the process of finding some real-life ones

 

[JaneFW]

Oh, I wasn't aware of that! Sounds good to me, might as well make some virtual friends while I'm in the process of finding some real-life ones

Just go here then click on member services center and post a request.

 

[LinkH]

Thank you for your support. I think that a difficult aspect of this for me is going to be putting up those boundaries. Last night, I told myself that I was going to go out and start to 'get a life' again as soon as my husband got home (to watch our son), and he walked in the door with roses. I wanted to puke when I saw them, but I immediately started second guessing my decision to go out. I sat on the couch for 20 minutes battling this in my mind, and then finally asked him for the car keys. He happily gave them to me and told me to stay out as long as I wanted and to enjoy myself, which also made me want to puke because everything inside of me knew he was somehow manipulating me, even though I couldn't put my finger on it. I came home and all of my night time chores were done and he was stacking fire wood, like a picture perfect husband. Did I feel a little crazy seeing this, yes. And I think that's a huge part of the problem here.

I just don't see what the guy did wrong. Could it be that he committed the crime of being a decent, loving man? He gave you flowers? He let you go out and have a break? How dare he? Do you want us to get the rope, or the shot gun?

If a man comes home with flowers for his wife and he wants to 'manipulate' her into something, it's probably love-making. Since husbands and wives should be doing that anyway, if that's manipulation, maybe you should just let it slide. Hopefully, it's a blessing and a lot of fun for the one being 'manipulated', anyway. He may have bought the flowers because you seemed to be bummed about the way life was going, and he wanted to cheer you up. Instead of having in mind that he wanted to manipulate you, maybe he was just hoping to change your mood.

I can't say for sure if your husband had other motives or not. Maybe you are being too suspicious. As a husband, I can tell you that a wife sitting around and attributing false motives to her husband can cause trouble. I believe one way the enemy throws those 'fiery darts of the wicked one' is by tempting us with thoughts, sometimes thoughts about how those close to us are hurting us, have bad motives, or mean us harm. You also have to be careful what you put into your mind, including advice from folks on ChristianForums. If you get testimonies of people who had marital problems caused by men unlike your husband, and start thinking about how your husband could do such things, that could add to your stress.

It sounds like your husband is clingy and needs to learn to grow in the area of leadership, but overall is a decent man who really loves you. He needs to grow in some areas of his life, like all of us, but you should definitely be thankful. Some of the women who pop in here for advice have husbands who committed adultery, who have difficulty holding down a job, or have problems with drugs and alcohol. You have a lot to be thankful for.

You two might benefit from getting involved in a cell group at a church, one with men and women. Maybe you could have some Christian couples who have good marriages over to your house. The men can go talk together. They women can talk together. If your church had some kind of men's group where they had prayer breakfasts and went away to either do service or take hunting trips, while you got involved in activities with the women from church, that might help.

Anyway, I'm in the process of trying to find a Christian psychologist for myself right now, and it's proving to be difficult. Does anyone know how I should go about this?

You may get some good out of it. On the other hand, keep in mind that humanity survived four thousands of years before Sigmund Freud invented the field of psychology and started doling out cocaine. One of my professors is a psychologist who is an expert in cross cultural studies. We were talking about psychological counseling and he pointed out that in collectivist cultures, where other people have more of a right to give you advice and family members would always be advising you what to do, there was very little psychological counseling. Individualist cultures are the ones that have a lot of this sort of counseling. I believe having a close church family is a lot more basic need than having a psychological counselor.

 

[JaneFW]

Link, she doesn't know anyone well enough at her church yet. She needs to talk to someone now, not in six months.

Also, she said that this is not the first time that her husband has tried to fix things with flowers. It might sound mean to some of you, but with an ongoing issue, flowers or chocolates don't fix things. In the first few years of our marriage, my husband would try to fix things with flowers, and it wasn't flowers that I needed - it was actually sex, or a commitment to have sex, and so flowers .. you might as well take them from the check out counter to the trash bin, because they were not going to make any difference whatsoever. The OP isn't talking about that scenario particularly, but I hear what she is saying that bringing things to her, offering her gifts, persuading her to go out, doesnt make up for what is amiss. She is being very smart in taking responsibility for what she can do, and pursuing some means (counselling) to try to fix the rest of it. That's real fixing, not the kind you get at Wal Mart for $9.99.

Actually she said:

The flowers thing amazes me because for awhile I was naively trying to explain my need for "romance" as a woman to him, and never once did I get a single flower during that time. They only came as a "band aid" later on. He seems to understand that flowers are a way of expressing "affection" when he does something wrong, yet on my birthday I get a dvd that I specifically requested and the silent treatment.

Flowers as a band aid OR as manipulation just. doesn't. work. I have never heard of a man bringing his wife flowers to manipulate her into having sex. That would come under the heading of "ew" for me.

 

[mkgal1]

Unless a person has ever been in a close relationship like this---where you end up feeling like your whole self has been vacuumed out of you, yet can't put your finger on WHY you feel that way---it's really difficult to explain to others.

It's not that DesMom is "sitting around attributing false motives" and causing trouble.....the "trouble" came first. Link is right....our enemy *does* have something to do with this....he always is behind anything that is evil and destructive to our marriages. Satan is the author of ALL evil (Gen 3 & James 1). The "evil" isn't in identifying the destruction, though---it's in the destruction itself.

 

[designer mom]

Before I marreid my husband of course i was only a teenagar I got the "suffocating" feeling and that he was breathing down my neck and I woudl tell him to leave me alone..then he would go away ..then I felt horribley guilty becaseu he was just so "sweet " and attentive ..then we woud get back together etc..I was however very hesitant to get married(we had a baby when I was 14 and him 16 long story but he abaondoned us for 2 years and we got back together and thats when he was like the opposite..lived nd breathed ME)..anyway ...the MINUTE(I mean on the honeymoon) we got marreid their was an abrubt change in him..him demanding things ..then gradually especially after oru 2nd child was born(that he BEGGED me to have ..I was sitll only 21 and him 23 and this woudl be our 2nd)...about 1 and 1/2 years after we were marreid thats when the real passive agressiveness I call it started..mocking me in a "joking way"..every feeling or emotion i had him tellign me "I shouldnt feel that way HE wouldnt' ..I was too "sensitve" I was "too angry " I was "not goig not sit around all day doing NOTHING(with 2 children including a new born AND I worked part time at this time) while he worked all day and on and on and on and on ..the demanding and "not takign no for an answer" with the sex ..grabbing groping..even after I TOLD him it was too much i felt overwhelmed and suffocated..he called me "abnormal" becasue I didnt WANT to have sex every single day ...or love it that he wanted to grab my breast and rear end everytiem we were in the same room together...

But to answer your question I guess the neediness was there before marraige but he was NEVER mean ..never called me one single name..even when TBH I probably deserved it..once married a COMPLETELY different story ..he had apparrently believed that i woudl do exactly what he wanted..when he wanted it when we married..when I DID not..he turned on me ..like a snake..eventually cheatign on me with a stripper and blaming me and on and on ..I didnt act right either..I only WISH I knew then what i knew now and I dont think ..well I KNOW I never would have married him at least not AT the age we did..and not before some INTENSE therapy for both of us...

Much of the stuff I contribute to our very young agge and our own baggage from childhood..but how he CONTINUED to act all the way into our marraige and how it deteriated with his manipulations...LYING(he even admits he LIES becasue he learned to as a child ..and he does it to get away with doign WRONG)..invasive behavior and sexual obsession just ROARED..but he remained the 'nice guy" and of course everything was MY fault..even though he constantly siad "sorry" ..sorry for him means.."now you forget about that ..Im not even WRONG anyway you made me do it..now lets have sex"...

Im very HAPPY for you at least you are EARLY on adressign thiese issues..Im telling you for us it was like a cold ..that turned into a fatal disease and almost killed me..and I dont think hes been exaclty one happy camper either..Its actually a miracle we are still married..we are both stubborn peopel thats the only reason ..and I have to admit we also do have a deep passion for one another..even if sometimes its hate..the love part is so strong it held us together I think...

Dallas

Thanks for sharing your story with me. I was thinking about this a little while ago, and I remembered something that my husband was doing immediately after we got married. I would share my opinion on something (unfortunately this was sometimes gossip on my part, but that is what it is)....and he would always respond by taking the other persons side. He would say "well maybe they just blah blah blah" or "I can see someone doing that if blah blah blah" and he never said "I agree" or "I can see why you would think that" or even a straight up normal "I disagree because blah", he always just twisted my words around and used them against me. At first, I thought that it was "nice that he was trying to help me not be judgmental and assume the best in everyone" but it wasn't long before I realized that he never assumed the best in me. I threw a huge fit over this, and asked him to just agree with me for the sake of being supportive of my feelings, and since then this hasn't really been an issue.

You know, my husband practically begged me to have a baby as well. On our honeymoon he was trying to get me pregnant. I did get pregnant 3 months after getting married, I found out the very day that we closed on our house. As soon as our son was born, he started trying to have an "accidental" baby. I don't even want to think about the significance in this *head spins*.

 

[designer mom]

I just don't see what the guy did wrong. Could it be that he committed the crime of being a decent, loving man? He gave you flowers? He let you go out and have a break? How dare he? Do you want us to get the rope, or the shot gun?

He gave me flowers because the day before he pushed me too far and started to see me breaking away into independence again, and it made him nervous. The flowers were supposed to make me see that "I'm the crazy one", that he's "not such a bad guy", etc. and bring me right back into the cycle. He does something like this every single time he pushes me too far, yet he's never EVER bought me flowers for the heck of it, or for a special occasion, etc. (actually, he's been ruining special occasions with his lack of sensitivity and caring) Flowers always come after I decide in my mind that "I'm not putting up with it any longer", and obviously my actions speak this to him because he knows I'm thinking it...and buys the flowers.

 

[designer mom]

Link, she doesn't know anyone well enough at her church yet. She needs to talk to someone now, not in six months.

This is exactly right.

Also, she said that this is not the first time that her husband has tried to fix things with flowers. It might sound mean to some of you, but with an ongoing issue, flowers or chocolates don't fix things. In the first few years of our marriage, my husband would try to fix things with flowers, and it wasn't flowers that I needed - it was actually sex, or a commitment to have sex, and so flowers .. you might as well take them from the check out counter to the trash bin, because they were not going to make any difference whatsoever. The OP isn't talking about that scenario particularly, but I hear what she is saying that bringing things to her, offering her gifts, persuading her to go out, doesnt make up for what is amiss. She is being very smart in taking responsibility for what she can do, and pursuing some means (counselling) to try to fix the rest of it. That's real fixing, not the kind you get at Wal Mart for $9.99.

That was well put.

 

[chaz345]

He gave me flowers because the day before he pushed me too far and started to see me breaking away into independence again, and it made him nervous. The flowers were supposed to make me see that "I'm the crazy one", that he's "not such a bad guy", etc. and bring me right back into the cycle. He does something like this every single time he pushes me too far, yet he's never EVER bought me flowers for the heck of it, or for a special occasion, etc. (actually, he's been ruining special occasions with his lack of sensitivity and caring) Flowers always come after I decide in my mind that "I'm not putting up with it any longer", and obviously my actions speak this to him because he knows I'm thinking it...and buys the flowers.

If you've decided that he's all about trying to control or manipulate you then pretty much nothing I said previously has any useful application to your situation since that was absolutely the last thing that was present in our situation.

 

[designer mom]

If you've decided that he's all about trying to control or manipulate you then pretty much nothing I said previously has any useful application to your situation since that was absolutely the last thing that was present in our situation.

I know, but you were not being "passive-aggressive", you were just "passive" is that right?

 

[mkgal1]

I don't think it's a conscious motive. I think it stems from the belief system, and that becomes that person's "heart"....it's what all their logic is based on, and how decisions are processed. It's distorted cognition that tells them they can ONLY trust themselves....that they aren't doing anything "wrong" when they are criticizing their spouse or giving the silent treatment.

 

[dallasapple]

Thanks for sharing your story with me. I was thinking about this a little while ago, and I remembered something that my husband was doing immediately after we got married. I would share my opinion on something (unfortunately this was sometimes gossip on my part, but that is what it is)....and he would always respond by taking the other persons side. He would say "well maybe they just blah blah blah" or "I can see someone doing that if blah blah blah" and he never said "I agree" or "I can see why you would think that" or even a straight up normal "I disagree because blah", he always just twisted my words around and used them against me. At first, I thought that it was "nice that he was trying to help me not be judgmental and assume the best in everyone" but it wasn't long before I realized that he never assumed the best in me. I threw a huge fit over this, and asked him to just agree with me for the sake of being supportive of my feelings, and since then this hasn't really been an issue.

You know, my husband practically begged me to have a baby as well. On our honeymoon he was trying to get me pregnant. I did get pregnant 3 months after getting married, I found out the very day that we closed on our house. As soon as our son was born, he started trying to have an "accidental" baby. I don't even want to think about the significance in this *head spins*.

YOUR welcome...Im hoping it helps to be able to identify with someone else that "gets" whats going on espeically how you can end up resenting the very things that most "normal" women think they would love because they are ASSUMING its coming form an otherwise healthy individual and dynamics..and its NOT..the "Mr.Nice Guy" helpful thing is actually a clue as to part of the manipulation ..and it is upsetting to me I dont wish to sound harsh or crass but it just about destroyed me and I always would revert back to Im the insane one..because eventually you APPEAR insane no one realizing the 'slow drip" of demeaning..or dismisiveness of you as a "person" eventually degrades you to a point you fall to pieces..

I again identify with what you are saying about not ever agreeing with you ..for me it can be as simple as "these are the best apples I think" and he says "no they arent'..not ..Oh you think ?well I like the other ones better..its "your wrong"..like even your opinion is WRONG..because they turn it into a "fact"(and winning) ..because well..THEY are "right' even as to a preference so you must be wrong and cant understand even that its O.K to be DIFFERENT..I had to learn that myself..some things are just DIFFERENCES and they arent "right or wrong' ..

But also on the conversations about other people?Even when I am feeling overwhelmed sometimes trying to help someone..like my friend who was suddenly widowed and thrown into poverty and Im the ONLY person she had..my husband would say when I would vent (because I NEEDED a shoulder to help me) he would say "you shouldnt let this ruin your "day" ...you shouldnt let her 'take advantage of you "..he doesnt take their side..he takes even something that i see as an aggravation and tries to convinve me the person is just 'using me" and they dont care anything about me at all..feeding into my already aggravation or insecurity..then ODDLY I end up DEFENDING the person and MYSELF..because(in these converstaion I just NEEDED a shoulder to lean on ) he makes me out to be a basically embicile fool ..who "lets people use me" ..and that I "let people manipulate me"(odd coming from him)..even the children..he would say I was "letting them get away with " this or that when I would side on the more compassionate end on a situation ..that they know that they can "take advantage of me"..and that I was a "pushover"..etc...He was very harsh and stern adn critical of our children too...not just me...we are ALL like his "possesion" that he needed to 'tweak" to make perfect for HIM..

NEVER once saying something like "your a good friend to so and so"..or "the kids got blessed with a mommy like you "..or "its good what you do for others"..Im always the fool...the one who "lets things bother me"..I have learned to point out to him ..that he says that..but Im the one with MANY close long term relationships..Im the one the children RESPECT and go to more than him ..I have probably 20 close relationships with family(immediate like siblings) and more further like cousins and friends that would speak highly of me..he has NONE..but me and the kids..ZERO...but yet he tries to convince me they do NOT care about me..or they are "takign advantage of me" like I said..

I think there is a CORE 'difference" in us in that sense at least thats how I see it now..I VALUE relationships ..he does NOT..except the kids whom he just doesnt want them to "hate him' or see him as the 'bad guy" and me who is his only source for real intimacy which in his opinion is all rolled up in sex or physical affection ..I guess he has no use for anyone that he cant have sex with..(not the kids of course but they are some sort of reflection of him so he does need for them to "love" him)...

BUt I think he has "changed" in some ways for the better about the last couple of years..its just old patterns of thinking and the entire "first say something negative" rears its head..I point it out..remind him thats what has been a HUGE point of division in us..and there it is alive and well. but now I dont care but to just keep it t himself thank you very much...another thing he refers to all his "mistakes" as in the 'past"..well a month ago he went out and baught a gun and didnt bother to ask me or TELL me even about it until it was IN my house..thats LYING adn deception because he KNOWS I dont want a gun in this house..especially now our 4 yo grandson is here 40+ hours a week (I am now a SAHM/grandmother)...

He will ADMIT now hes wrong and I think MEAN it..rather than the ole "sorry YOUR upset with me"(notice that not sorry I was wrong but SORRY your angry?)...

Sigh..

I just hope talking it out helps you in any way and my rambling as well..I love to share if it HELPS..its actually quite upsetting to relive some of it but if its HELPFUL Im headful of stories and I hope I gained some wisdom in the process I can be useful for..

I think identyfying what it is is AWESOME as I was concerned with your "and I dont know why" part..becasue I KNEW why ..but I didnt for so many years and not knowing "what is it" is corrosive as you cant adress it and you sound 'crazy" sayign "I was disgusted when he brought home flowers" KWIM?????

Dallas

 

[mkgal1]

The difference between abusive and non-abusive men is that the abuser carries control to an extreme. He has an excessive need to gain and maintain control not only over his life but over the lives of others. The goal becomes control of every aspect of life whether it is his wife's manner of dress or the speed at which traffic moves. Since this level of control is impossible to attain, he becomes frustrated and engaged in conflict much of the time. The use of psychological or physical violence as a means of gaining and maintaining control over his relationships is the universal trait of the abusive man.

The abusive and violent man has an inordinate need to control because his life in childhood felt out of his control. He came from a home in which he could never win. The rules were unfair, rigid, inconsistent, unclear, or non-existent. As a child, he may have struggled to make sense of the rules and to please his parents. Eventually, he stopped trying to please. In anger and despair, he found ways to gain control of his life through acting out, lying, avoidance, or depression.~The Third Path

HTH