Apologies if this is the wrong section to post my thread, but I specifically wanted to hear from Orthodox Christians since I'm already an inquirer at my 'nearest' church as well as inspired to join due to my online research from what I heard from numerous Orthodox monks and fathers who seemed to align with my experience(also forgive my grammar, I was unable to sleep last night). Without further ado, here is how I went from someone who grew up in his mother's new-age "Christian" church, left it for atheism, then "over night" became a Bible-reading, God-worshiping, Christ-believing Christian:
Like most, I've lived a DEEPLY sinful life(think male-St. Mary mixed with some St. Moses minus the m*rder) in addition with struggles with substance addiction. My atheist stint ran from around 12 years old to 37. My current living circumstances see me residing at my folks business miles away from all my hometown friends along with those I made from an out-of-state move. The last remaining friends abandoned me due to my toxicity, so I was alone regarding peers. Depressed due to isolation, living situation, no achievements, and not where I wanted to be in life neither local nor figuratively speaking. My old modes of thinking started to return along with foolish ideas-I understand some of this might be best saved for confession but omitting it will lead to narrative confusion about my story. The foolish ideas included s**cide via volunteering for the ongoing conflicts. Of course that wasn't the only misguided reason for such an insane choice(a desperation for purpose and inclusion among the seemingly growing Left-wing population of the U.S.), yet being well old enough to know what war actually entails and seeing the horrific footage coming out of said conflicts shook me from a irrationality and wreakless inhumanity.
I found myself looking out my bedroom window one evening(May 14 around 7pm) considering my life and the choices that lead up to such crushing loneliness and desperation. It all made me realise not only was I alone due to my inability to trust and love others, but my wanton life of sin that I was actually considering traveling overseas to commit the one last grave sin I managed to avoid-taking a life. I didn't want to harm anyone, in fact it went against some of my previous choices such as attending EMT school. Scared and desperate for an out was where I found myself. "I need a way out. I don't, I *can't* do this! What if I die there, then my parents will have one child left, and my nephews one less male figure in their lives. I absolutely can't do this"! The feeling felt like a literal weight hanging from my sternum(what I now realise was the weight of my sins).
Suddenly I heard what sounded like heavy vehicles driving over gravel. I wondered what in the world was my dad doing, was he having another truck come deliver gravel or dirt? It grew louder and louder until finally, He was upon me. It was like a heavy presence directly above me, and I can't tell whether I cowered in fear or if His very presence is what pushed me down. "What the **** is this? What's going on"? Then I heard, "I'm God".
"God? As in God-God? THAT God"?! I immediately bent over and began to cry because I knew I was in trouble. The guy who spent a good portion of his live being blasphemous, immature, budding criminal delinquent scumbag was about to be taken to hell by God Himself. It was then He suddenly flooded and encapsulated me with love. "You, you...forgive me?! But everything I've done! I don't believe this"! My legs buckled and I felt two arms(the sensation was similar to when a limb falls asleep but no prickly sensation) around my torso caught me, and there was an 'understanding' Jesus Christ was holding me up. Then a bunch of images flashed in my mind-most seemed to be ancient Middle Eastern cities or locales-but what further clued me in on the God I was speaking with was an image of an egg and sperm. Upon seeing that image I said, "sometimes abortion can save a woman's life so are their exceptions?" which I received a firm yet gentle "No". I then asked if it meant I have to hate non-believers, gay people, Muslims, feminists, ect, and there was an "understanding"(seems He doesn't always communicate with words or images) by the love and mercy He was showing me the answer was obviously no. It made me cry even harder while saying, "Oh my God, you ARE good! I'm sorry I was so wrong about you"! He then told me we are all His children, He hates all these wars(they deeply sadden Him), and He wants us to know Him.
Around this time Christ let me go and I paced around my room while he left me with his last bit of info telling me to tell others about Him and never stop believing in Him. The experience then abruptly ended and I felt an other-wordly bliss and sense of peace for the entirety of the week followed by other strange feelings such as intensely and distinctly feeling people's "vibes"(e.g. I could feel my mother's anxious nature and my dad's anger). It was very taxing both emotionally and physically. I'm now back at 'baseline', and have found an Orthodox church to begin the inquirer portion as well as a former Protestant convert(Calvinist to be specific) at the church who was accepting of my story. I plan to put this past my church father since I'm aware of what a prelest is(is it even possible for an atheist to experience prelest?), yet I feel...confident it was our heavenly Father who came down on me that day since much of what He showed me is in line with Scripture. Not to mention stepping into an Orthodox church was unlike any church experience I had before. The Holy Spirit is undoubtedly there; my first visit was like an assuring and safe presence washing over me, and the 2nd(after falling into sin) was like being under a microscope which felt like it revealed my sin to all others present along with cleansing me of said falls.
I sincerely hope this doesn't cause controversy(or at least too much) after all we are expected to be honest in our word and deeds, yes?
Like most, I've lived a DEEPLY sinful life(think male-St. Mary mixed with some St. Moses minus the m*rder) in addition with struggles with substance addiction. My atheist stint ran from around 12 years old to 37. My current living circumstances see me residing at my folks business miles away from all my hometown friends along with those I made from an out-of-state move. The last remaining friends abandoned me due to my toxicity, so I was alone regarding peers. Depressed due to isolation, living situation, no achievements, and not where I wanted to be in life neither local nor figuratively speaking. My old modes of thinking started to return along with foolish ideas-I understand some of this might be best saved for confession but omitting it will lead to narrative confusion about my story. The foolish ideas included s**cide via volunteering for the ongoing conflicts. Of course that wasn't the only misguided reason for such an insane choice(a desperation for purpose and inclusion among the seemingly growing Left-wing population of the U.S.), yet being well old enough to know what war actually entails and seeing the horrific footage coming out of said conflicts shook me from a irrationality and wreakless inhumanity.
I found myself looking out my bedroom window one evening(May 14 around 7pm) considering my life and the choices that lead up to such crushing loneliness and desperation. It all made me realise not only was I alone due to my inability to trust and love others, but my wanton life of sin that I was actually considering traveling overseas to commit the one last grave sin I managed to avoid-taking a life. I didn't want to harm anyone, in fact it went against some of my previous choices such as attending EMT school. Scared and desperate for an out was where I found myself. "I need a way out. I don't, I *can't* do this! What if I die there, then my parents will have one child left, and my nephews one less male figure in their lives. I absolutely can't do this"! The feeling felt like a literal weight hanging from my sternum(what I now realise was the weight of my sins).
Suddenly I heard what sounded like heavy vehicles driving over gravel. I wondered what in the world was my dad doing, was he having another truck come deliver gravel or dirt? It grew louder and louder until finally, He was upon me. It was like a heavy presence directly above me, and I can't tell whether I cowered in fear or if His very presence is what pushed me down. "What the **** is this? What's going on"? Then I heard, "I'm God".
"God? As in God-God? THAT God"?! I immediately bent over and began to cry because I knew I was in trouble. The guy who spent a good portion of his live being blasphemous, immature, budding criminal delinquent scumbag was about to be taken to hell by God Himself. It was then He suddenly flooded and encapsulated me with love. "You, you...forgive me?! But everything I've done! I don't believe this"! My legs buckled and I felt two arms(the sensation was similar to when a limb falls asleep but no prickly sensation) around my torso caught me, and there was an 'understanding' Jesus Christ was holding me up. Then a bunch of images flashed in my mind-most seemed to be ancient Middle Eastern cities or locales-but what further clued me in on the God I was speaking with was an image of an egg and sperm. Upon seeing that image I said, "sometimes abortion can save a woman's life so are their exceptions?" which I received a firm yet gentle "No". I then asked if it meant I have to hate non-believers, gay people, Muslims, feminists, ect, and there was an "understanding"(seems He doesn't always communicate with words or images) by the love and mercy He was showing me the answer was obviously no. It made me cry even harder while saying, "Oh my God, you ARE good! I'm sorry I was so wrong about you"! He then told me we are all His children, He hates all these wars(they deeply sadden Him), and He wants us to know Him.
Around this time Christ let me go and I paced around my room while he left me with his last bit of info telling me to tell others about Him and never stop believing in Him. The experience then abruptly ended and I felt an other-wordly bliss and sense of peace for the entirety of the week followed by other strange feelings such as intensely and distinctly feeling people's "vibes"(e.g. I could feel my mother's anxious nature and my dad's anger). It was very taxing both emotionally and physically. I'm now back at 'baseline', and have found an Orthodox church to begin the inquirer portion as well as a former Protestant convert(Calvinist to be specific) at the church who was accepting of my story. I plan to put this past my church father since I'm aware of what a prelest is(is it even possible for an atheist to experience prelest?), yet I feel...confident it was our heavenly Father who came down on me that day since much of what He showed me is in line with Scripture. Not to mention stepping into an Orthodox church was unlike any church experience I had before. The Holy Spirit is undoubtedly there; my first visit was like an assuring and safe presence washing over me, and the 2nd(after falling into sin) was like being under a microscope which felt like it revealed my sin to all others present along with cleansing me of said falls.
I sincerely hope this doesn't cause controversy(or at least too much) after all we are expected to be honest in our word and deeds, yes?
