Starting to resent my husband

[designer mom]

In terms of the "are you controlling" question the answer is yes, AND no. By that I mean that the dynamic that's been set up is one of you controlling things, but it's not like you want to or are intending to. In fact, like you said, the fact that you are essentially running the whole show is becoming a major drain on you.

The bottom line is that two things need to happen. He needs to learn that it's safe to make the "wrong" decision and that you won't whack him over it. At the same time you need to release the reigns a little so to speak. Like I said, it's not that you've intended to be controlling, it's just a byproduct of the dynamic you have going on.

I can tell you though that the last thing that will be sucessfull, and I'm not saying this is what you've done, is badgering him to step up. Picture it like this. He is a turtle that has withdrawn into it's shell. Sitting there knocking on the shell isn't going to get him to come out. Like I said I wish I had some good first steps for you but i really don't since the thing that got us started moving in the right direction isn't applicable in your case.

Thanks, this is helpful because I see that what is happening is I'm just becoming angry and frustrated. I would imagine that an angry woman is not "safe" and that it would only serve to confirm his (false) idea that I'm a threat.

 

[UK Fred]

I feel like I'm starting to resent my husband, and I'm not entirely sure why. We've known each other for 5 years, and have been married for almost 2. On the surface, it appears as if he's the perfect husband, and I suspect that friends and family envy me because of this. Maybe he is ideal, and maybe I'm the problem...but even if that's the case, I'd like to know so it can be fixed.

I suspect that several factors may be involved here:

1) On one hand, I feel like he's a robot who will do any thing I want him to. He asks my permission before doing anything at all. I'm surprised he does not ask me if he can use the bathroom. He was always like this, and he's admit to being a "people pleaser".

2) But on the other hand, I feel like he's taken my life away. I gave up my career for him, and he moved me to the middle of nowhere for his job and I absolutely hate it here. I've been making failed efforts to enjoy living here for the last year and a half and I still hate it more than ever. I've been in and out of depressions and battling anxiety and all kinds of emotional problems since we moved here, and he strangely (considering his people pleasing), will not consider another option. He won't even talk about it. I'm not the only one who hates this region, he's told me about people at work who have quit because "their wives couldn't stand to live here any longer".

I feel like he's slowly taking everything away from me, and I'm starting to lose site of who I am as an individual. He says I can take as much time as I want to myself, and do whatever I want, but I do not feel like I can. I moved my desk into the bedroom in the corner of the house (as far away from him as I can get) and he cannot stay out of this room for 5 minutes without popping his head in and seeing what I'm "up to". He cut off all contact with his friends when we met, has not made a single new friend, and doesn't seem to really want anyone in his life except for me. I feel like if I go somewhere and leave him home, he's going to sit at the door like a puppy dog waiting for my return.

3) On the other, other hand - he seems to want a relationship with his parents and siblings, and blames me for the fact that his contact with them is becoming less and less. His family is mean to me. They are very critical of me, literally leave the room while I'm talking to them, tell me that my Christian standards are "ridiculous", and overall they make me feel like a piece of garbage. My natural response to this is to limit my contact. Why would I want to be around people that make me feel bad about myself? Being that he's not willing to do anything without me glued to his hip, he doesn't see them very often. I don't even know if he talks to them on the phone - if he does it's when he's on his lunch break or something at work.

Anyway...I find that I don't want to be around my husband much any more. I see myself withdrawing from him, and starting to try to gain some independence. I don't want to resent him, and I'm confused about why exactly this is happening, and what I can do about it (if anything).

Does anyone have any insight? Thanks so much!

Yep

Send him to read the Christian Men's Defense Network blog, and suggest he looks at all the blogs on the blogroll ofw that one. If he learns from what he reads, it will change him. I think you *will* like the change.

 

[JaneFW]

Yeah, don't send your husband to any websites without checking out the content first. There is a lot of extremely bad stuff out there, including Christian men encouraged to "game" their wives. It's not a Christian concept. Far better to go to counseling and figure out your marriage with a Christian counselor, than have a bunch of angry men telling your spouse how he should "game" you.

 

[chaz345]

Thanks, this is helpful because I see that what is happening is I'm just becoming angry and frustrated. I would imagine that an angry woman is not "safe" and that it would only serve to confirm his (false) idea that I'm a threat.

Exactly. His belief that you are unsafe is absolutely untrue, but like with a lot of things, simply telling him that is not likely to do a whole heck of a lot of good.

Something that bears mentioning is that everything I've said is based on your situation sounding very similar to what mine was. There are other possibilities.However, I can't really think of any additional harm that can come to the situation by approaching it as if what I've said is what's going on and it turns out to be something else entirely.

 

[designer mom]

Yeah, don't send your husband to any websites without checking out the content first. There is a lot of extremely bad stuff out there, including Christian men encouraged to "game" their wives. It's not a Christian concept. Far better to go to counseling and figure out your marriage with a Christian counselor, than have a bunch of angry men telling your spouse how he should "game" you.

It's okay, he would just tell me that he would check out the site and than not *actually* do it, so it doesn't matter!

 

[designer mom]

Exactly. His belief that you are unsafe is absolutely untrue, but like with a lot of things, simply telling him that is not likely to do a whole heck of a lot of good.

Something that bears mentioning is that everything I've said is based on your situation sounding very similar to what mine was. There are other possibilities.However, I can't really think of any additional harm that can come to the situation by approaching it as if what I've said is what's going on and it turns out to be something else entirely.

I know what you mean, I've been trying to figure out what's going on here for many months though, and I think this might have hit the nail on the head...finally.

 

[LinkH]

It does sound controlling if a wife screens her husbands blogs, but we also have to take some care in recommending a site. If you are going to recommend a site, you do have to be careful. I've not spent more than a couple of minutes on the 'dahlrock' site, but I've heard some bad things about it on here, that there are men on there talking about gaming women, seducing unmarried women, and such. I don't know about the site that was recommended in one of the other posts here.

The ChristianForums married men's only page (this forum's men page) is pretty tame. I haven't seen anyone encouraging seducing unmarried women. Most of the topics are rather uncontroversial. I think a man could get some good advice for this type of situation there. The main problem with the forum is that it isn't all that active sometimes. If an interesting thread gets started, the forum becomes a little active for a few days.

 

[JaneFW]

It does sound controlling if a wife screens her husbands blogs, but we also have to take some care in recommending a site.

Not so. It's a way to prevent further (and worse) marriage schisms caused by non-Christian "advice" and solutions. After all, he's not out there looking for it, she's being told to suggest it to him. She can either choose to suggest it or not, therefore, no screening involved, as he can always come across it himself.

I would not tell my husband about even the existence of the manosphere, and as he spends most of his time on gun forums and other male-oriented forums, I figure he has plenty of testosterone-fuelled communication already. If he ever finds it on his own, so be it, but if that's "controlling" to not tell him, then oh well, color me controlling.

 

[chaz345]

Yeah, don't send your husband to any websites without checking out the content first. There is a lot of extremely bad stuff out there, including Christian men encouraged to "game" their wives. It's not a Christian concept. Far better to go to counseling and figure out your marriage with a Christian counselor, than have a bunch of angry men telling your spouse how he should "game" you.

This may be good advice if it were true. However, if the poster took the time to actually read the sites she's so concerned with, she'd see that for the most part the Christian men on the sites talking about "gaming" one's wife are speaking AGAINST it.

 

[LinkH]

Jane,

I don't think a wife declining to tell her husband about a damaging website is being controlling. I was just pointing out something that sounded a little ironic to me.

I haven't searched the 'manosphere', but I know there are sites directed toward men on the Internet that can be very damaging. I haven't found a lot of good Christian sites for married men to discuss issues related to marriage or for men in general to discuss men's issues. Of course, I've only spent a little effort looking for such things.

 

[designer mom]

You guys, honestly I didn't give that website more than two seconds of thought. I didn't research it and than decide that I didn't want him seeing it because of some hidden motive. The truth is that I've sent him to dozens of websites and even some books to try to help him to understand my expectations, concerns, needs, wants, his role, etc. and I'm getting sick of him reading them and not changing, or not reading them at all and saying that he did, or reading them and forgetting what they said, or not even reading them.

 

[chaz345]

You guys, honestly I didn't give that website more than two seconds of thought. I didn't research it and than decide that I didn't want him seeing it because of some hidden motive. The truth is that I've sent him to dozens of websites and even some books to try to help him to understand my expectations, concerns, needs, wants, his role, etc. and I'm getting sick of him reading them and not changing, or not reading them at all and saying that he did, or reading them and forgetting what they said, or not even reading them.

The thing is, information isn't going to help him change. If the issue is that he doesn't feel you are safe, then the only thing that is going to help is actually demonstrating to him that you are safe. Like I said earlier actions and not words are what is going to work.

 

[Romanseight2005]

But respect is a HUGE deal to women, and often men want it at the expense of respecting their wives. Imo, the problem goes deeper than men needing respect. It's how couples can respect eachother. A man shouldn't feel disrespected, for instance, if his wife disagrees with him. If he doesn't honestly consider her idea, then he disrespects her.If he NEEDS respect because he feels entitled to it, and doesn't give his wife the same level of respect back, resentments are sure to grow. If there is any place the golden rule needs to rule, it's in marriage. Bottom line, if you as a man, would feel disresoected by something you feel fine doing to your wife, then you aren't operating by the Golden Rule, which allows for no double standards.

 

[mkgal1]

I don't know....a healthy marriage is about equal exchanges: equal amounts of listening....equal amounts of sacrificing...etc. When there's obvious (I'm wanting to stay away from the word, "dysfunction").....imbalance----does it make sense to continue on in the same "broken" pattern? One term for a passive/aggressive is the "gingerbread man"....you know, "catch me, if you can." I wonder if a way to break the bad patterns would be to stop the "chase"?? (I'm not suggesting that as a "game" to play, but more of an attitude of personal resolve). One can truly turn themselves into a pretzel trying to soothe (and prove wrong) the untrue thoughts between another person's ears.
__________________

 

[JaneFW]

Just agreeing with Romans and MK. Mutual respect - mutual love - mutual understanding .. THIS is what marriage is about. Not one having more of this one, or less of the other.

Also, yes, you can't play along with dysfunction. That would be enabling the dysfunction.

 

[designer mom]

I don't know....a healthy marriage is about equal exchanges: equal amounts of listening....equal amounts of sacrificing...etc. When there's obvious (I'm wanting to stay away from the word, "dysfunction").....imbalance----does it make sense to continue on in the same "broken" pattern? One term for a passive/aggressive is the "gingerbread man"....you know, "catch me, if you can." I wonder if a way to break the bad patterns would be to stop the "chase"?? (I'm not suggesting that as a "game" to play, but more of an attitude of personal resolve). One can truly turn themselves into a pretzel trying to soothe (and prove wrong) the untrue thoughts between another person's ears.
__________________

I know what you mean here, and I think that stopping the "chase" is a first step for me. I think that I need to get self esteem back, and stop feeling so worthless and unloved and the only way to do that is to stop depending on someone who cannot give me these things. I am hopeful for future improvement, but I need to understand that it's going to take a long time, and I need to figure out a way to get my self back in order.

 

[designer mom]

The thing is, information isn't going to help him change. If the issue is that he doesn't feel you are safe, then the only thing that is going to help is actually demonstrating to him that you are safe. Like I said earlier actions and not words are what is going to work.

I know, I see this now, and I agree with you 100%. I see that the only thing I can trust from my husband are his actions.

This morning before he went to work, he made a statement in the form of a confusing question, and I asked him why he was asking me something that he already knew...and he pretty simply stated that it was because he didn't trust himself to remember correctly (insecure?). That gives me hope, because he is aware of his weirdness to an extent.

 

[JaneFW]

I know what you mean here, and I think that stopping the "chase" is a first step for me. I think that I need to get self esteem back, and stop feeling so worthless and unloved and the only way to do that is to stop depending on someone who cannot give me these things. I am hopeful for future improvement, but I need to understand that it's going to take a long time, and I need to figure out a way to get my self back in order.

Your husband can't "give you" a sense of worth or self esteem. That's for you to work on for you, but not at the expense of your husband, iykwim. While your husband should absolutely love you, that isn't what your worth is about. Does that make sense? Your worth should come from you who you are in Christ, and knowing you are loved by God, and from a ton of other things, but don't look to a spouse for them "giving you" self worth. If that's not what you meanat, then I apologize, that's just the way I read it.

How do you figure you will "get [your] self back in order"? What does that look like?

 

[designer mom]

Just agreeing with Romans and MK. Mutual respect - mutual love - mutual understanding .. THIS is what marriage is about. Not one having more of this one, or less of the other.

Also, yes, you can't play along with dysfunction. That would be enabling the dysfunction.

I also agree with this. The thing is, I *thought* we had mutual everything. I didn't see that I was walking around in a mess of guilt and anxiety because I was in overdrive trying to earn my husbands affection by pleasing him in a million ways (performance orientation?). I feel like I've been running on a treadmill since day one, but I didn't know it. At least now I can hit the stop button and rest.

 

[JaneFW]

Gosh, I hate to say this because it seems like we're always looking for psychological stuff - but has he ever been tested for ADD and is there anything like that in his family? Some of the stuff you described, it sounds a bit more than just .. weird. No offense intended.