Starting to resent my husband

[designer mom]

YOUR welcome...Im hoping it helps to be able to identify with someone else that "gets" whats going on espeically how you can end up resenting the very things that most "normal" women think they woudl love becaseu they are ASSUMING its coming form an otehrwise healthy individual and dynamics..adn its NOT..the "Mr.Nice Guy" helpful thing is actually a clue as to part of the manipulation ..and it is upsetting to me I dont wish to sound harsh or crass but it just about destroyed me and I always woudl revert back to Im the insane one..becasue eventually you APPEAR insamne no one realizing the 'slow drip" of demeaning..or dismisiveness of you as a "person" evnetually degrades you to a point you fall to pieces..

YES - I already did fall to pieces. I can't believe that I forgot to mention this, I had a nervous break down about 3 weeks ago. I ended up at my Dr having heart palpitations and chest pains. I literally could not function, and of course, Mr. nice guy came to the rescue, and we were both completely clueless to the fact that HE put me in that state! (I think he's clueless at least) And yes, it's incredibly helpful to talk with people who understand what it's like to look and feel like I'm completely insane.

But also on the conversations about other people?Even when I am feeling overwhelmed sometimes trying to help someone..liek my friend who was suddenly widowed and trhown into poverty adn Im the ONLY person she had..my husbadn woudl say when I would vent (becaseu I NEEDED a shoulder to help me) he would say "you shouldnt let this ruin your "day" ...you sholdnt let her 'take advantage of you "..he doesnt taek theri side..he takes even something that i see as an aggravation adn tries to convinve me the person is just 'using me" and they dont care anythig about me at all..feedign into my already aggravation or insecurity..then ODDLY I end up DEFENDING the person and MYSELF..becasue he makes me out to be a basically emibile fool ..who "lets people use me" ..and that I "let peopel manipulate me"(odd coming form him)..even the children..he would say I was "lettign them get away with " this or that when I would side on the more comapassionate end on a situation ..that they know that they can "take advantage of me"..and that I was a "pushover"..etc...

This is familiar to me. My husband is always saying things to me like "I wish you wouldn't feel that way" or "don't let that get you down" which leads to me trying to figure out how he thinks I *should* feel or act, and than feeling guilty for not behaving in the way that I think he might prefer. It seems so caring on the outside, but it doesn't make me feel cared for, it just kind of makes me feel...like I'm disappointing him.

NEVER once saying something like "your a good friend to so and so"..or "the kids got blessed with a mommy like you "..or "its good what you do for others"..Im always the fool...the one who "lets things bother me"..I have learned to point out to him ..that he says that..but Im the one with MANY close long term relationships..Im the one the children RESPECT and go to more than him ..I have probably 20 close relationships with family(immediate like siblings) and more further like cousins and friends that would speak highly of me..he has NONE..but me and the kids..ZERO...but yet he tries to convince me they do NOT care about me..or they are "takign advantage of me" like I said..

My husband also does not have one single friend in the world. I sensed him trying to blame me for this the other day, and I cut him off and asked him when the last time he called any of his old friends was, and he had to admit that it's been a long, long time. He did drop it, but earlier in the week he managed to blame me (without even saying the words, amazingly) for his declining relationship with his family. I *had* friends and relationships with my family...and for the life of me I cannot figure out where they disappeared to! Maybe it's the distance [for his job], but they were all present until after the wedding and then one by one they disappeared.

I just hope talkign it out helps you in any way and my rambling as well..I love to share if it HELPS..its actually quite upsetting to relive some of it but if its HELPFUL Im headful of stories and I hope I gained some wisdom in the process I can be useful for..

It really is helpful because it makes me identify with things that I would have never noticed before, so thanks

I think identyfying what it is is AWESOME as I was concerned with your "and I dont know why" part..becasue I KNEW why ..but I didnt for so many years and not knowing "what is it" is corrosive as you cant adress it and you sound 'crazy" sayign "I was disgusted when he brought home flowers" KWIM????

I really do feel like I've made some progress here. I'm discouraged because I understand (to an extent) the magnitude of what I'm up against, but I'm also encouraged because it's such a relief to just have some answers for once. I actually stumbled upon (google) "passive-agressive" because I was trying to figure out if I'm "controlling" (you know, trying to make myself better for him), and I learned that I'm "aggressive" by nature...and then learned about "passive" people which sounded a little like him, and then I learned that someone can be "passive-aggressive" and what that means through this wonderful forum.

 

[dallasapple]

Thanks for posting that MK..(wow this is therapy forme too LOL)..I try to force myself t remember that my husband WAS in a dysfunctional home(funny his parents NEVER divorced he should be perfect right?NOT)..they have been marreid 52 or 53 years now..and he was moved around the country Dad was Caost gaurd..anyway it does make me SAD for him ..he just made a HUGE mistake trying to control me..he shoudl have picked a better doormat..I came from the opposite a loud dominating mother..I had to get a check on that part..but he marreid a NON doormat evne though I put up with so much stuff that most women wouldnt have..he did put up with me too..But hearing the word "despair" in that quote above makes me feel so sad for him that I would if he was a child want to protect him..he just took the wrong path like I said and the "avodience" part..he always said he "avoided conflict" well no he didnt he STARTED conflict and didnt even know it ..becasue he had a narrow definition of what "conflict' is..conflict doesnt have to mean "yelling and screaming " and callign names..(he did thatto though but of course I "started it")..conflict can be quiet and sly ..underhanded and secretive..

Dalllas

(sorry Designer Mom..Im "hoarding' your thread..NOT often I find another woman who says "my husband brought me flowers and and I wanted to puke"..I think we have a "unique" kind of husband to be real honest with you ...or maybe other women just cant 'pin point it" dont ever ask any questions and just get a divorce..)

Dallas

 

[designer mom]

HTH

That does help. When my husband and I first started dating, his youngest sister was just starting high school, so I was able to catch a glimpse of how things went in his house growing up. There seemed to be "implied" rules, but when one of these were broken, there was no real punishment, only a sense of disapproval from the parents, but expressed in an almost joking manner. My husband and his siblings all derived their worth and value from performing academically (which is turning into career performance as adults).

I can see why he is struggling for control, and how this happened, to an extent just based on those observations that I made on my own. He did open up to me once and tell me that he is unable to accept criticism. He said that when he was in school as a child, and he would receive corrections on his papers, he would literally refuse to look at them, even if it meant it would help him improve his grade the next time. I've also observed that his father is extremely critical, in a "joking" way. The first time I ever met him, the first thing he ever did was laugh at me because the car door got stuck. Before he even ever said hello, he laughed at me. Yikes.

 

[designer mom]

(sorry Designer Mom..Im "hoarding' your thread..NOT often I find another woman who says "my husband brought me flowers and and I wanted to puke"..I think we have a "unique" kind of husband to be real honest with you ...or maybe other women just cant 'pin point it" dont ever ask any questions and just get a divorce..)

Oh, I don't mind! I would guess that a lot of women can't pin point it because they're so clouded by their own coping mechanisms. I can identify with you though, I'm pretty strong willed, and while I do want to be a "submissive" wife (in the Christian sense), I won't be a door mat.

 

[mkgal1]

You have been really observant, DesMom. Is he STILL trying to gain his mother's and father's approval? There seems to be a lot behind that, and may be one of the main reasons the Bible instructs husbands to "leave (not just physically) their father and mother and cleave to their wife.

Oh...BTW....I think you are "assertive".....not "aggressive". "Aggressive" means you WANT control. You seem to be just wanting what's rightfully yours.....you aren't trampling on the rights of others.

 

[dallasapple]

YES - I already did fall to pieces. I can't believe that I forgot to mention this, I had a nervous break down about 3 weeks ago. I ended up at my Dr having heart palpitations and chest pains. I literally could not function, and of course, Mr. nice guy came to the rescue, and we were both completely clueless to the fact that HE put me in that state! (I think he's clueless at least) And yes, it's incredibly helpful to talk with people who understand what it's like to look and feel like I'm completely insane.

((((HUGS)))) I was "rescued" too..wont give any specifics excepts to say I started havign panci atttacks about 5 or so years into marriage and I have had several "nervous" breakdowns"..My husband was MORE than hapy to "help me" ..too..nursed me "back to health"..I eventually though becaem a horrible alcoholic and then THAT was the "prblem" I have ALWAYS been the problem..thats when he took another turn and was just downright cruel and had a cntinuous threat of divorce over my head..Now Im recovered from that..he was "shocked" even though I told him the whole time ..my drinkign is NOT our "marraige issues" I drink BECAUSE of them...once I stopped using our marraige issues as an excuse to kill myself in front of my kids..he of course had his hand out for "reconsciliation " as if he NEVER heard me tell him 1,000 times ...drinking is how I COPED(wrongfully) he still had it in his mind it was ME...I guess its the only way he could have faced himself in the mirror.....NOT..his "avoidance" of the mirror is the entire issue in a nutshell..I made it easy for him beign the designated crazy one..pulling myslef together is when it was blaringly obvious who the real nut ball is..he didnt like that...So PULL your self together honey...you are NOT crazy!!!

Dallas

 

[chaz345]

I know, but you were not being "passive-aggressive", you were just "passive" is that right?

Yes. I'm not so sure though, based on what you've shared that your husband is either.

 

[mkgal1]

Do you happen to watch Bethenny Frankel's show (reality show)? IMO....she's living with a passive/aggressive (abusive) man, who maintains his "good guy" image, while making HER feel she's the crazy one with all the issues.

 

[chaz345]

Do you happen to watch Bethenny Frankel's show (reality show)? IMO....she's living with a passive/aggressive (abusive) man, who maintains his "good guy" image, while making HER feel she's the crazy one with all the issues.

Taking any sort of life lessons from "reality" TV is, IMO a very bad idea since the situation's aren't in any way real. They are heavily edited for dramatic effect. And almost always in a way that makes at one person look a lot worse than they are and one a lot more innocent than they are. Not surprised that the one you describe sells well though since it plays on stereotypes that so many believe are true.

 

[designer mom]

You have been really observant, DesMom. Is he STILL trying to gain his mother's and father's approval? There seems to be a lot behind that, and may be one of the main reasons the Bible instructs husbands to "leave (not just physically) their father and mother and cleave to their wife.

Oh...BTW....I think you are "assertive".....not "aggressive". "Aggressive" means you WANT control. You seem to be just wanting what's rightfully yours.....you aren't trampling on the rights of others.

Thanks, I think I was so observant because the situation seemed a little alarming to me at the time. You make a good point about the bibles instructions to "cleave to their wife". How would I know if he's still trying to gain their approval?

I feel like his mother hates me, by the way. In 5 years, she's only called me once. I've sent her emails and what not, but she replies with one or two word answers. Whenever I'm in her presence, she makes me feel horrible about my abilities as a parent and wife. Any of my other abilities go unmentioned. I go out of my way to be so nice to her (I'm desperately trying to gain her approval), and she'll snap at me for the smallest offenses (like, if her and another person are talking to me at the same time and I do not ignore the other person to give her my undivided attention). However, on the surface, she acts like the worlds nicest loving mother in law, and people would think I'm nuts for having a problem with her too! I don't know if that's significant here or not.

I think I like "assertive" much more than "aggressive". I feel like I'm aggressive sometimes though, because I have so much pent up anger inside of me now. I broke 3 coffee mugs because I don't know what to do with all of this frustration. My husband even used THAT as an excuse to BLAME me for not opening up to me! He said that he's too afraid that he'll throw me into a "fit of rage", so he makes some kind of rational decision that I can't handle whatever he might have to say. I'm too "unstable" to handle his feelings, so naturally he withholds them, and that's my fault, according to him. He's never once seen me get angry, and he's certainly never seen a "fit of rage" come from me. The only reason I am even in any kind of "unstable" state right now is BECAUSE of him!!! Grrrrrrrrrrrr.

 

[designer mom]

((((HUGS)))) I was "rescued" too..wont give any specifics excepts to say I started havign panci atttacks about 5 or so years into marriage and I have had several "nervous" breakdowns"..My husband was MORE than hapy to "help me" ..too..nursed me "back to health"..I eventually though becaem a horrible alcoholic and then THAT was the "prblem" I have ALWAYS been the problem..thats when he took another turn and was just downright cruel and had a cntinuous threat of divorce over my head..Now Im recovered from that..he was "shocked" even though I told him the whole time ..my drinkign is NOT our "marraige issues" I drink BECAUSE of them...once I stopped using our marraige issues as an excuse to kill myself in front of my kids..he of course had his hand out for "reconsciliation " as if he NEVER heard me tell him 1,000 times ...drinking is how I COPED(wrongfully) he still had it in his mind it was ME...I guess its the only way he could have faced himself in the mirror.....NOT..his "avoidance" of the mirror is the entire issue in a nutshell..I made it easy for him beign the designated crazy one..pulling myslef together is when it was blaringly obvious who the real nut ball is..he didnt like that...So PULL your self together honey...you are NOT crazy!!!

Dallas

Thanks, you're so awesome for being so honest and open about your experiences. My mother in law seems to cope by drinking (one of the reasons I don't trust her with our baby) - and I really wonder if her husband is passive-aggressive. It's obvious that he's passive. I wonder if she's going through this same torment. I know for a fact that everyone seems to think that she's nuts because of her emotional outbursts. I really wonder...

 

[chaz345]

Thanks, I think I was so observant because the situation seemed a little alarming to me at the time. You make a good point about the bibles instructions to "cleave to their wife". How would I know if he's still trying to gain their approval?

I feel like his mother hates me, by the way. In 5 years, she's only called me once. I've sent her emails and what not, but she replies with one or two word answers. Whenever I'm in her presence, she makes me feel horrible about my abilities as a parent and wife. Any of my other abilities go unmentioned. I go out of my way to be so nice to her (I'm desperately trying to gain her approval), and she'll snap at me for the smallest offenses (like, if her and another person are talking to me at the same time and I do not ignore the other person to give her my undivided attention). However, on the surface, she acts like the worlds nicest loving mother in law, and people would think I'm nuts for having a problem with her too! I don't know if that's significant here or not.

I think I like "assertive" much more than "aggressive". I feel like I'm aggressive sometimes though, because I have so much pent up anger inside of me now. I broke 3 coffee mugs because I don't know what to do with all of this frustration. My husband even used THAT as an excuse to BLAME me for not opening up to me! He said that he's too afraid that he'll throw me into a "fit of rage", so he makes some kind of rational decision that I can't handle whatever he might have to say. I'm too "unstable" to handle his feelings, so naturally he withholds them, and that's my fault, according to him. He's never once seen me get angry, and he's certainly never seen a "fit of rage" come from me. The only reason I am even in any kind of "unstable" state right now is BECAUSE of him!!! Grrrrrrrrrrrr.

So what makes you so sure that his stated fear of you "going off" is a manipulation tactic rather than a genuine fear?

Approaching things as if it's a manipulation/control tactic will not likely lead to any improvement if that's not what it is. OTOH approaching it as if it's a genuine fear costs nothing, even if it is a manipulation tactic.

In any case I think it's unwise, unfair and maybe even dangerous for anyone here to pass judgement that it's one or the other. There's very little chance that untrained individuals with only one perspective on the situation will come to an accurate assessment of what's going on.

 

[designer mom]

Yes. I'm not so sure though, based on what you've shared that your husband is either.

Yeah, I know that at least part of the issues are rooted in him being passive, and I think that a lot the wisdom that you shared is applicable in one way or another, and I really do appreciate it.

 

[mkgal1]

Thanks, I think I was so observant because the situation seemed a little alarming to me at the time. You make a good point about the bibles instructions to "cleave to their wife". How would I know if he's still trying to gain their approval?

I feel like his mother hates me, by the way. In 5 years, she's only called me once. I've sent her emails and what not, but she replies with one or two word answers. Whenever I'm in her presence, she makes me feel horrible about my abilities as a parent and wife. Any of my other abilities go unmentioned. I go out of my way to be so nice to her (I'm desperately trying to gain her approval), and she'll snap at me for the smallest offenses (like, if her and another person are talking to me at the same time and I do not ignore the other person to give her my undivided attention). However, on the surface, she acts like the worlds nicest loving mother in law, and people would think I'm nuts for having a problem with her too! I don't know if that's significant here or not.

I think I like "assertive" much more than "aggressive". I feel like I'm aggressive sometimes though, because I have so much pent up anger inside of me now. I broke 3 coffee mugs because I don't know what to do with all of this frustration. My husband even used THAT as an excuse to BLAME me for not opening up to me! He said that he's too afraid that he'll throw me into a "fit of rage", so he makes some kind of rational decision that I can't handle whatever he might have to say. I'm too "unstable" to handle his feelings, so naturally he withholds them, and that's my fault, according to him. He's never once seen me get angry, and he's certainly never seen a "fit of rage" come from me. The only reason I am even in any kind of "unstable" state right now is BECAUSE of him!!! Grrrrrrrrrrrr.

The one thing I could tell you, is to STOP trying desperately to gain your MIL's approval. Just do what you feel God wants you to do as a mother----you are pleasing Him--and He doesn't change. If other's don't approve---that's their issue. You are most likely fighting an uphill battle with your MIL where you will NEVER get her approval, and will exhaust yourself trying.

Oh.my.word.......I get the "rage" thing myself. He's probably goading you.....like a water torture....then, he can point to you and blame you. (Again....I don't think it's calculated or even a conscious thing---it's all driven by his belief system--IMO. Not that that's an excuse or justification. It's WRONG thinking).

 

[designer mom]

Do you happen to watch Bethenny Frankel's show (reality show)? IMO....she's living with a passive/aggressive (abusive) man, who maintains his "good guy" image, while making HER feel she's the crazy one with all the issues.

Nope, I've actually never even heard of this show.

 

[mkgal1]

Assertiveness and the Four Styles of Communication

AGGRESSIVE COMMUNICATION is a style in which individuals express their feelings and opinions and advocate for their needs in a way that violates the rights of others. Thus, aggressive communicators are verbally and/or physically abusive. Aggressive communication is born of low self-esteem (often caused by past physical and/or emotional abuse), unhealed emotional wounds, and feelings of powerlessness.


PASSIVE COMMUNICATION is a style in which individuals have developed a pattern of avoiding expressing their opinions or feelings, protecting their rights, and identifying and meeting their needs. Passive communication is usually born of low self-esteem. These individuals believe: “I’m not worth taking care of.”

As a result, passive individuals do not respond overtly to hurtful or anger-inducing situations. Instead, they allow grievances and annoyances to mount, usually unaware of the build up. But once they have reached their high tolerance threshold for unacceptable behavior, they are prone to explosive outbursts, which are usually out of proportion to the triggering incident. After the outburst, however, they feel shame, guilt, and confusion, so they return to being passive.

ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION is a style in which individuals clearly state their opinions and feelings, and firmly advocate for their rights and needs without violating the rights of others. Assertive communication is born of high self-esteem. These individuals value themselves, their time, and their emotional, spiritual, and physical needs and are strong advocates for themselves while being very respectful of the rights of others.

 

[chaz345]

Yeah, I know that at least part of the issues are rooted in him being passive, and I think that a lot the wisdom that you shared is applicable in one way or another, and I really do appreciate it.

Unless things get to a point of actual physical danger, or unless it's completely obvious to an outside observer that he intending to control you, it would, IMO, be much more constructive to stay away from that line of thinking. Almost all of what you describe in terms of how you are feeling, my wife would have said too and like I said, there was ZERO intent to control on my part. There's nothing to lose and little to no damage to be done in approaching it as simply a case of his passive nature and your more assertive nature playing off eachother even if that's wrong and he is being controlling. OTOH if you approach it as him being controlling and that's not what's going on, there's a good chance of making what is already a bit of a mess a lot worse.

 

[mkgal1]

Nope, I've actually never even heard of this show.

Here's a clip:

Bethenny Frankel Videos - This Is What It's Come To - Zimbio

 

[designer mom]

I'll be back on later tonight...the baby just woke up from a glorious 2 hour long nap.

Thanks for all of the help so far, everyone!

 

[chaz345]

Assertiveness and the Four Styles of Communication

AGGRESSIVE COMMUNICATION is a style in which individuals express their feelings and opinions and advocate for their needs in a way that violates the rights of others. Thus, aggressive communicators are verbally and/or physically abusive. Aggressive communication is born of low self-esteem (often caused by past physical and/or emotional abuse), unhealed emotional wounds, and feelings of powerlessness.


PASSIVE COMMUNICATION is a style in which individuals have developed a pattern of avoiding expressing their opinions or feelings, protecting their rights, and identifying and meeting their needs. Passive communication is usually born of low self-esteem. These individuals believe: “I’m not worth taking care of.”

As a result, passive individuals do not respond overtly to hurtful or anger-inducing situations. Instead, they allow grievances and annoyances to mount, usually unaware of the build up. But once they have reached their high tolerance threshold for unacceptable behavior, they are prone to explosive outbursts, which are usually out of proportion to the triggering incident. After the outburst, however, they feel shame, guilt, and confusion, so they return to being passive.

ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION is a style in which individuals clearly state their opinions and feelings, and firmly advocate for their rights and needs without violating the rights of others. Assertive communication is born of high self-esteem. These individuals value themselves, their time, and their emotional, spiritual, and physical needs and are strong advocates for themselves while being very respectful of the rights of others.

And for a person who is strongly in the passive category, someone who is merely strongly assertive can very definitely be perceived as being aggressive. That was the case with my wife and I.