Starting to resent my husband

[designer mom]

Your husband can't "give you" a sense of worth or self esteem. That's for you to work on for you, but not at the expense of your husband, iykwim. While your husband should absolutely love you, that isn't what your worth is about. Does that make sense? Your worth should come from you who you are in Christ, and knowing you are loved by God, and from a ton of other things, but don't look to a spouse for them "giving you" self worth. If that's not what you meanat, then I apologize, that's just the way I read it.

How do you figure you will "get [your] self back in order"? What does that look like?

That is what I meant, and it's only been over the last couple of weeks that I even came to understand that my self worth comes from Christ. I've actually been trying to perform to earn the affection of others as well. At the very least, I'm exhausted, but I obviously haven't gotten anywhere (but the house looks nice!).

Aside from trying to derive self worth from him, I think I was also trying to make him fulfill my emotional needs in this way. Being that it wasn't happening, I was spiraling downward into a pit of depression and low self esteem (I was very self confident before I met him btw). I'm now starting to understand that as long as he is keeping me at a distance emotionally, he'll never fulfill my emotional needs (the husband/wife kind of emotional needs). If that makes sense at all.

For starters, my husband is stuck to me like a piece of velcro whenever he's home. It is impossible to talk on the phone, take a bubble bath (in peace), draw (I'm an artist), or do any of the things that I used to just enjoy doing with him breathing down my neck making comments about every little detail the whole time. The other day I was building some raised beds for my garden, and he stood at the window laughing at me because I messed up some of my cuts. This was the first time in my life that I have ever built anything, and frankly I'm pretty proud of myself...but he made me feel terrible about it. So I guess I'm going to find a way to peel him off of me a little bit. I also think that I've been feeling like I can't go anywhere and make friends [in our new region] because he's SO clingy. Even though he says he wants me to go out, I don't believe that he means what he says (because of his actions). I think that having relationships with other people besides my husband is probably pretty important here (to my self esteem), so I guess I'm just going to go out and let him sulk about it, and try not to let it bother me to the point where I won't leave the house any longer.

 

[designer mom]

Gosh, I hate to say this because it seems like we're always looking for psychological stuff - but has he ever been tested for ADD and is there anything like that in his family? Some of the stuff you described, it sounds a bit more than just .. weird. No offense intended.

Don't worry, I won't be offended by anything you say, I know that it's...weird (to say the least). I don't think he's ever been tested for ADD, or that it's in his family, but his family is SO weird (that's why I don't want to be around them!). No one else seems to want to be around his family either, they don't really have any contact with anyone outside of themselves.

When we were dating though, he wasn't really like this. I felt like I had finally found someone "normal" who wasn't stirring up a bunch of drama all the time. His family even seemed normal. Then as soon as we got married it made my head spin how quickly the tables turned.

 

[dallasapple]

Its beyond good that yoru realizing your value is in Christ's eyes.I dont know what the problem is with yoru husbadn by my husbadn is very similar at least on the clingy part..to the poitn of suffocation ..the standing in the window and laughing that you made a mistake is classic..My husbadn constantly pointed out everythign i did "wrong' ciritisized me in so many ways I wont even list them but an example is saying "why are you going ot do that(liek repaitn one to the bedrooms) you end up only "making a huge mess and yu never finish what you start"..He had/has NO friends..and in his case isnt even really that close to his family.his family wastn ever "mean" to me but his dad was liek a tyrant everyone tippy toes aroudn on eggshells trying not to make him "angry"...

So you are on the right track..put your slef worth and value in waht CHRIST says about you ..make lots of friends who are postitive influences and can lift you up when you feel down and you can have fun with..Thats the only way (I beleive) you WONT end up severely depressed and feelign like you just cant stand beign in the seame room with him..if hes anythign liek mine anyway..just the constant "watching" and followign around and micro managing is enough to dirve you nuts...so then you draw bounderies and stick to them..

He needs help he definatly sounds as if he has some sort of deep insecurity and hes clinging on to you adn leeching off of yu to fill some sor of void..Could be a God void..coudl be his mother issues who knows..but it will turn into a bloody war if you try and "change' him ..just live your life ..love God..love yoru children ..make friends..set boundries..and encourage yoru husgband to "join" and do the same...If hes trying to 'worshiip" you thats what his problem is and its highly unehealthy and will destory both of you if you allow it to go on ...the problem with that is that means their is littel to none(right now anyway0 you coudl depend on him for ...FOR any emotional needs...nt if hes worshipping you adn suffocating you ..then the "laughing' stuff thats just evil..some of the meanest things my husband has ever said ..he always defended as "its a joke' ..or "sorry you cant take a joke" when I got upset...

Dallas

 

[dallasapple]

Oh and Designer Mom..for what its worth ..I dont believe for one second you married your husband plannign on changing him..if you look at it square in the face ..its actually teh OTHER WAY AROUND...seems like you have beent the one to make all the MAJOR changes after marraige and now are beginningto realize that your entire life now is supposed to revovleve aroudn him and his excessive needs..Just be your self..of course only change the things that YOU KNOW are possibly bad habits or flaws in you ...other than that dont lose yourself under his attempts at suffocating the life out of you and keeping you isolated and under his watchful eye...

Dallas

 

[designer mom]

Oh and Designer Mom..for what its worth ..I dont believe for one second you married your husband plannign on changing him..if you look at it square in the face ..its actually teh OTHER WAY AROUND...seems like you have beent the one to make all the MAJOR changes after marraige and now are beginningto realize that your entire life now is supposed to revovleve aroudn him and his excessive needs..Just be your self..of course only change the things that YOU KNOW are possibly bad habits or flaws in you ...other than that dont lose yourself under his attempts at suffocating the life out of you and keeping you isolated and under his watchful eye...

Dallas

Thank you for your support. I think that a difficult aspect of this for me is going to be putting up those boundaries. Last night, I told myself that I was going to go out and start to 'get a life' again as soon as my husband got home (to watch our son), and he walked in the door with roses. I wanted to puke when I saw them, but I immediately started second guessing my decision to go out. I sat on the couch for 20 minutes battling this in my mind, and then finally asked him for the car keys. He happily gave them to me and told me to stay out as long as I wanted and to enjoy myself, which also made me want to puke because everything inside of me knew he was somehow manipulating me, even though I couldn't put my finger on it. I came home and all of my night time chores were done and he was stacking fire wood, like a picture perfect husband. Did I feel a little crazy seeing this, yes. And I think that's a huge part of the problem here.

Anyway, I'm in the process of trying to find a Christian psychologist for myself right now, and it's proving to be difficult. Does anyone know how I should go about this?

 

[JaneFW]

That is what I meant, and it's only been over the last couple of weeks that I even came to understand that my self worth comes from Christ. I've actually been trying to perform to earn the affection of others as well. At the very least, I'm exhausted, but I obviously haven't gotten anywhere (but the house looks nice!).

The fact that you have realized this is really good, so kudos for that. Keep it forefront in your mind, and you won't go far wrong - ever.

Aside from trying to derive self worth from him, I think I was also trying to make him fulfill my emotional needs in this way. Being that it wasn't happening, I was spiraling downward into a pit of depression and low self esteem (I was very self confident before I met him btw). I'm now starting to understand that as long as he is keeping me at a distance emotionally, he'll never fulfill my emotional needs (the husband/wife kind of emotional needs). If that makes sense at all.

There are some needs that only a wife and husband should fulfill for each other. Obviously sex, but also the intimacy that comes from one husband/one wife (or should come from that relationship). I know that some will say that you should look to God for everything, but I disagree with that, because why did God make marriage if not for people to find love and intimacy together? Anyway .. cling to God first and foremost.

For starters, my husband is stuck to me like a piece of velcro whenever he's home. It is impossible to talk on the phone, take a bubble bath (in peace), draw (I'm an artist), or do any of the things that I used to just enjoy doing with him breathing down my neck making comments about every little detail the whole time. The other day I was building some raised beds for my garden, and he stood at the window laughing at me because I messed up some of my cuts. This was the first time in my life that I have ever built anything, and frankly I'm pretty proud of myself...but he made me feel terrible about it. So I guess I'm going to find a way to peel him off of me a little bit. I also think that I've been feeling like I can't go anywhere and make friends [in our new region] because he's SO clingy. Even though he says he wants me to go out, I don't believe that he means what he says (because of his actions). I think that having relationships with other people besides my husband is probably pretty important here (to my self esteem), so I guess I'm just going to go out and let him sulk about it, and try not to let it bother me to the point where I won't leave the house any longer.

That's very frustrating. I would ignore some of the bad behavior and see what that does - like him laughing at the garden beds. That's just childish on his part. Also, whatever you think he means when he tells you to go out and make friends, do it anyway. Do it, and take pleasure in it, and encourage him to do the same, and ignore the pouting. Maybe when he sees that you are unaffected, he will stop.

 

[dallasapple]

Thank you for your support. I think that a difficult aspect of this for me is going to be putting up those boundaries. Last night, I told myself that I was going to go out and start to 'get a life' again as soon as my husband got home (to watch our son), and he walked in the door with roses. I wanted to puke when I saw them, but I immediately started second guessing my decision to go out. I sat on the couch for 20 minutes battling this in my mind, and then finally asked him for the car keys. He happily gave them to me and told me to stay out as long as I wanted and to enjoy myself, which also made me want to puke because everything inside of me knew he was somehow manipulating me, even though I couldn't put my finger on it. I came home and all of my night time chores were done and he was stacking fire wood, like a picture perfect husband. Did I feel a little crazy seeing this, yes. And I think that's a huge part of the problem here.

Anyway, I'm in the process of trying to find a Christian psychologist for myself right now, and it's proving to be difficult. Does anyone know how I should go about this?

(((HUGS))))

I cant tell you how so utterly like my husband yours sounds to mine..the "nice guy"..its like its OVERBOARD tryign to demonstrate they ARENT desperately trying to control you ..and suffocate you ..by doing all the "nice husband" gestures its confusing in contrast to the sly comments..and the mocking gestures liek the laughign at you when you mess up..it throws you for a loop and thats what i think they want..how coudl you DENY hes not a wonderful husband when he buys you flowers ..cleans the house..?Those things ARE wonderful ..its the intent that you begin to realize..which is to be able to POINT at those things as "proof" they ARENT micoro mangaging control freaks..who are extremely needy jeoulus and terrified you are going to leave them..so they SUFFOCATE YO with "affection"..but at the very saem tiem mange to TEAR YOU DOWN adn make you "need " them..thats antoehr aspect of the "perfect husband " I think hes trying to show you that YOU NEED HIM..

Probably only women like us..could understand how in the world you could feel liek puking when your husbadn brings you flowers...know how many times I have taken the flowers and directly thrown them in the trash can?Dozens(no pun inteneded)..guess what I do now?I BUY MYSELF FLOWERS..LOL!!....Flowers dotn make up for what they are doing to you and Im not 'tricked" by them anymore my husband knows that..So BUY your self flowers and it throws THEM for a loop...By the way is your husband highly sexual and physically affectionate?(dont need to give any details just curious if he is very physically needy)...

Dallas

 

[designer mom]

(((HUGS))))

Thank you

I BUY MYSELF FLOWERS..LOL!!

That's Awesome!!

By the way is your husband highly sexual and physically affectionate?(dont need to give any details just curious if he is very physically needy)...

YES. Unbelievably. His sex drive is through the roof, which naturally leads to mountains of guilt because I could never in a million years satisfy him. He's all over me, all the time, and I feel guilty when I do things like reject his kisses because I have a mouthful of food! One time his mother even told him to back off and give me some space while I was eating!

 

[dallasapple]

I've gotten psychological help...My husbnad is/was an estremely manipulative controlling and highly disrepectful invasive person ..who violated me in many ways..thats all been "affirmed" validated by more than one expert..(PHD psychologist and a pshycologist)..to the point I ended up with Post Tramatic stress syndrome due to his behaviors..the floweres and the "helpfulness" are all part of an elabortate "game" someone like my husband plays to manipulate you adn confuse you ..

Adn no ..I wont "try the spell check" if my mispellings irritate you then you can try the ingore button..I dont take orders form other members..so if you dont like it dont read my stuff...other than that quite frankly I really dont care what you think about me...I've been married for 24 years in June I know what my marriage is about adn you have no idea...This womans husband is the one who has some deep seated issues..adn YES I think she needs help too...in order to not let livign with someone liek that drive her to insanity ..and possibly divorce if she doesnt fidn ways to cope .

Dallas

 

[dallasapple]

Thank you



That's Awesome!!




YES. Unbelievably. His sex drive is through the roof, which naturally leads to mountains of guilt because I could never in a million years satisfy him. He's all over me, all the time, and I feel guilty when I do things like reject his kisses because I have a mouthful of food! One time his mother even told him to back off and give me some space while I was eating!

YEP...my husband would litterally have sex 2 or 3 times a day if I had allwowed it and ON top of that the CONSTANT touching me..and just the staring..watching me ...if I woudl be talkign to him about say one of the kids and he would be licking his lips and looking me up and down..this just never stopped I mean daily from waking til sleeping..and comments..taking innocent statments and turign it into sexual ..and crude stuff even ...and in front of people..and everyone was like "ohh...how sweet you can tell how much he loves you "..they didnt get it..he wasnt in love with me he was OBSESSED with me and idolozed me and used every tactic to try adn "get me" to fill him up ..their however is no way to "fill up' a black hole..it goes into infinity...and you can NEVER be enouhg ..NEVER ...so then you just want to crawl in a corner and be left alone...

Dallas

Dallas

 

[dallasapple]

Im going to go fidn it Designer Mom but there is an attitude or condition called the 'centerfodl Syndrome" and its when a person can only identify love/intimacy with sex..they have no or little ability to think outside of sexua intimacy when it comes to intimate realitionships..I think thats why a person like that doesnt have any friends..al lthey need is a spouse(wife) to try adn fill ALL thier emotional needs and intimacy needs through sex adn its a disaster of course..Trying to take one person ..and use them to gain every ounce of human contact/intimacy need is beyond suffocating its insantiy...

Dallas

 

[mkgal1]

It's a common myth that a person with these tendencies is being controlled by their fear (or any other emotion). It's not emotion......it's what they believe. IOW.....it's not how they "feel" ......it's what they "think".

One possible thing could be that your former self-confidence was a threat to him, and he believed it was pride. Just be prepared as you gain that back, the "attacks" will probably escalate (like how it showed up when you made the garden boxes). It's important---IMO--that you first have a firm support system, so he doesn't cause you to doubt yourself.

Another belief he could have is that you "always like to know what's going on"--and that makes you controlling (in his mind). When someone believes that, they work hard to keep you guessing.....off-balance.

And one more....with covert, controlling people.....it's all about "winning"....and "looking good while doing it." They perceive relationships as a power struggle....either they are in control or they are *being* controlled. There's no such thing (in their mind) as "mutual joy". The thing to keep in mind, I think, is to be wise as a serpent---innocent as a dove (Matthew 10:16).

 

[chaz345]

I know, I see this now, and I agree with you 100%. I see that the only thing I can trust from my husband are his actions.

This morning before he went to work, he made a statement in the form of a confusing question, and I asked him why he was asking me something that he already knew...and he pretty simply stated that it was because he didn't trust himself to remember correctly (insecure?). That gives me hope, because he is aware of his weirdness to an extent.

For clarity I was talking about him needing actions and not words to learn the truth that you are safe for him. That it's OK for him to express his position and that you disagreeing won't hurt. Again, I'm not suggesting that he feels the way he does because of any bad intent or controlling nature on your part. Just the combination of his more passive nature and your more assertive one can set up the dynamic you are seeing and it's only compounded by his past.

I'd also be cautious of characterizing his wanting something clarified or repeated as insecurity. It's FAR FAR better to go over something again if there's even a tiny possiblity that he was unclear, that it is for him to assume he has it right.

 

[dallasapple]

Yes I agree with MK..especially on the 'winning' part..thats why you will find he will most likely NEVER 'honor" you with words ..at least my husband didnt BESIDES the constant "affirming' he wanted to have sex with me that was so over the top it became a game of cat and mouse and I ended up being litterally assualted..But the "winning' thing he can NOT let you think you are good at anything..or that if you are he isnt "better " at it..in my home it reached a point my husband was actually either convinced himself or he just needed ME to believe that I a 30 something at the time woman ..mother of 3 full time stay at home mom too..didnt even know how to wash clothes..(even though I had done all the laundry for a decade +) he also was convinced and convicned me anyway he believed I was an "idiot' because I shopped at the wrong grocery store..I mean it actually reached a point that LITTERALLY there was NOTHING I could do right or as good as him ..even the childrens health care needs..he actually would tell me if I took them to the doctor (after of course I determined they NEEDED a doctor I have to keep reminding myself and others Im NOT an idiot) that when they eventually started to improve with antibiotics..he would tell the children in front of me that "you would have gotten better on yoru own"..IOW I was WRONG for taking my children to the doctor for infections requiring antibiotics(of course nto THANK you for takign them I trust you with our children)..that was all becasue I was "just like my mother' an alarmist..and I wouldnt be 'satisfied" or "happy" until I took them..He made sure to convince me I did nothing at least not in COMPARISON to him ..he did more..knew more..did what I did better....This is espeically bad for a full time SAHM to have to contend with ..becasue i had no "pay check" to show for my work..i had nothing but ..well nothing..as far as he was concerned it was useless..I WAS USELESS..then the waltzign through the door with the flowers and groping me and trying to stick his hands down my pants while i was cooking etc..then that in trun made me feel like nothing to him but a piece of sex meat..and HE designed it that way..he I think wanted me to think that i was worthless..and that then though he "showed his love' and my value through sex..even though HE was the one with the super high need..NOT me..

The not working thing does NOT help with a man like that..because they always "win" on that one.."I go to work you dont' has been said to me probably several thousands of times in our marriage..throw in everything i did including mothering our children was faulty ..useless in many ways..I made a "big deal out of nothing"(that was what he told me about my meals which I DID make a big deal out of a lot of work involved)..I just could go on ...

It drove me into the almost the grave to be honest...until I finally got it..I have to NOT CARE what he thinks...sure thats not a "healthy marriage dynamic" but thats the only choice I had when the option was caring what he thought meant I was a free loading ...lazy..slobbish..idotic ...failure ..

12,0000 dozen roses dont make up for that Im sorry ..in fact I dont WANT flowers from someone who tells me Im nothing but a waste of air..expcet for sex..why would I ?Why would I want floweres and sex from somone who thought I was good for nothing but sex?I could have been a porstitute if thats what I wanted for my life..

Dallas

 

[chaz345]

Thank you for your support. I think that a difficult aspect of this for me is going to be putting up those boundaries. Last night, I told myself that I was going to go out and start to 'get a life' again as soon as my husband got home (to watch our son), and he walked in the door with roses. I wanted to puke when I saw them, but I immediately started second guessing my decision to go out. I sat on the couch for 20 minutes battling this in my mind, and then finally asked him for the car keys. He happily gave them to me and told me to stay out as long as I wanted and to enjoy myself, which also made me want to puke because everything inside of me knew he was somehow manipulating me, even though I couldn't put my finger on it. I came home and all of my night time chores were done and he was stacking fire wood, like a picture perfect husband. Did I feel a little crazy seeing this, yes. And I think that's a huge part of the problem here.

Anyway, I'm in the process of trying to find a Christian psychologist for myself right now, and it's proving to be difficult. Does anyone know how I should go about this?

Why make the negative assumption about his motives?

 

[JaneFW]

Thank you for your support. I think that a difficult aspect of this for me is going to be putting up those boundaries. Last night, I told myself that I was going to go out and start to 'get a life' again as soon as my husband got home (to watch our son), and he walked in the door with roses. I wanted to puke when I saw them, but I immediately started second guessing my decision to go out. I sat on the couch for 20 minutes battling this in my mind, and then finally asked him for the car keys. He happily gave them to me and told me to stay out as long as I wanted and to enjoy myself, which also made me want to puke because everything inside of me knew he was somehow manipulating me, even though I couldn't put my finger on it. I came home and all of my night time chores were done and he was stacking fire wood, like a picture perfect husband. Did I feel a little crazy seeing this, yes. And I think that's a huge part of the problem here.

Anyway, I'm in the process of trying to find a Christian psychologist for myself right now, and it's proving to be difficult. Does anyone know how I should go about this?

You could ask at your church - ask your pastor or someone else that you know will not gossip. Or do an online search for your area.

 

[dallasapple]

And if you cant find a Christian psychologist then your better off goign to a secular than none..Its not only Christians either by the way that hold any value to marraige ..I guess what im saying is you might find a non Christian psychologist thats just as helpful as a Christian one..including you can let them know you ARE a Christian and how that needs to play a role in your marriage..

Dallas

 

[designer mom]

Yes I agree with MK..especially on the 'winning' part..thats why you will find he will most likely NEVER 'honor" you with words ..at least my husband didnt BESIDES the constant "affirming' he wanted to have sex with me that was so over the top it became a game of cat and mouse and I ended up being litterally assualted..But the "winning' thing he can NOT let you think you are good at anything..or that if you are he isnt "better " at it..

I'm so sorry to hear that you've had to deal with all of this. I'm also fearful because I see my life going in the same direction. Can I ask you, how was your husband in the beginning of your marriage? When did you start noticing "questionable" behavior?

I feel like my husband is starting to let me know that I'm not good at anything. I'm a talented designer. I know that I'm good because my clients put up with my awful schedule and are willing to deal with my almost never being available until after they go to bed. I'm running into some business expenses now though, and my husband is not comfortable with this. He told me to get the "free version" of the software I need, which is both insulting and not an option. In my eyes, what he really said to me was "you're not a professional, you don't need the software standard in your industry, you're less than that". Then of course, there were the garden boxes. I'm sure there's other things, but these are the only two that occurred since I started really paying attention to his behavior.

in my home it reached a point my husband was actually either convinced himself or he just needed ME to believe that I a 30 something at the time woman ..mother of 3 full time stay at home mom too..didnt even know how to wash clothes..(even though I had done all the laundry for a decade +) he also was convinced and convicned me anyway he believed I was an "idiot' because I shopped at the wrong grocery store..I mean it actually reached a point that LITTERALLY there was NOTHING I could do right or as good as him ..even the childrens health care needs..he actually would tell me if I took them to the doctor (after of course I determined they NEEDED a doctor I have to keep reminding myself and others Im NOT an idiot) that when they eventually started to improve with antibiotics..he would tell the children in front of me that "you would have gotten better on yoru own"..IOW I was WRONG for taking my children to the doctor for infections requiring antibiotics(of course nto THANK you for takign them I trust you with our children)..that was all becasue I was "just like my mother' an alarmist..and I wouldnt be 'satisfied" or "happy" until I took them..He made sure to convince me I did nothing at least not in COMPARISON to him ..he did more..knew more..did what I did better....This is espeically bad for a full time SAHM to have to contend with ..becasue i had no "pay check" to show for my work..i had nothing but ..well nothing..as far as he was concerned it was useless..I WAS USELESS

This sounds an awful lot like the home that I grew up in.

12,0000 dozen roses dont make up for that Im sorry ..in fact I dont WANT flowers from someone who tells me Im nothing but a waste of air..expcet for sex..why would I ?Why would I want floweres and sex from somone who thought I was good for nothing but sex?I could have been a porstitute if thats what I wanted for my life..

The flowers thing amazes me because for awhile I was naively trying to explain my need for "romance" as a woman to him, and never once did I get a single flower during that time. They only came as a "band aid" later on. He seems to understand that flowers are a way of expressing "affection" when he does something wrong, yet on my birthday I get a dvd that I specifically requested and the silent treatment.

Dallas[/quote]

 

[designer mom]

Why make the negative assumption about his motives?

So that I can get off of the emotional roller coaster that I've been riding since day one. Believe me, I didn't make any negative assumptions the first 15 times that he did this.

 

[designer mom]

And if you cant find a Christian psychologist then your better off goign to a secular than none..Its not only Christians either by the way that hold any value to marraige ..I guess what im saying is you might find a non Christian psychologist thats just as helpful as a Christian one..including you can let them know you ARE a Christian and how that needs to play a role in your marriage..

Dallas

I just found a Christian Psychologist in the region who takes my insurance! Perfect I was able to book an appointment for tomorrow.