Yeah, we are in different spots. When I was finally resigned to Orthodoxy and about to be chrismated, I was super happy-peppy-smiling and really on fire to make it work. I was pretty amped up. Now, after 3 years and some definite disappointments as well as some missing my old "Western" life, it's a touch different. It's like the teaching profession. When you go to college (that's like being a catechumen), you are SOOOOO excited to become a teacher! You fantasize what your classroom will be like when you finally get one. You picture yourself delivering lessons and the kids loving it! You imagine taking broken kids from hellish homes and issues and completely turning them around, and you imagine working for a nice principals and friendly teachers, supportive parents, and college readiness when your kids leave. Well, when you REALLY get your classroom you realize your fellow teachers are a bunch of back-biting vampires who aren't that bright, very selfish and into cliques, gossipy, and often times incompetent. You find the parents are more of an opponent than help, and the principal is a purely political animal with the veneer of wanting the best for kids. You find that your entire day is a full-on WAR! It's a battle for the kids' attention. They have the worst focus you can possibly imagine. Then you have kids with mental issues, kids who are abused, kids who have ADHD, kids who could care less, parents who are in gangs, etc. The system isn't geared to teach, but rather is overwhelmingly unrealistic and dishonest.
The honeymoon in teaching is over at the very latest, in 5 years. That is the standard rule. If you've worked five years in teaching, you're burned out. Well, I'm 17 years in!!! LOL
Same with Orthodoxy for me. My godparents turned out bizarre. The lovely liturgy I met as a visitor has been usurped by a yeller. The priest I adored turns out more political and cronyish than I had realized. The people are more cliquish and clannish than I anticipated. Several of the people I really liked have left. My priest, whom I thought was supportive of our parenting (Kate and I), has let me down in some comments about our education choices, and I've found that the priest I first met who LOVED a good joke now gets offended most of the time I tell him one. The priest I liked because he's NOT political talks politics practically every week (Tea party variety that is).
And then take into account the priests I've encountered since joining up----
You all know my priest has disappointed me on many fronts
When I first joined up I got in contact with a priest who is a friend of Father's in Northern California to help me understand some theological points. This priest was VERY supportive of me. After a few months in the OC, however, this priest verbally accosted me. When I told him that I was trying to understand evolution and how to reconcile it with Orthodoxy, and that I was asking parishioners their views on it, he verbally tongue-lashed me in an email saying that I have a lot of guts going into a new parish and trying to force my liberal evolution views on these poor people, not respecting their faith and making coffee hour a hostile place. He gave me a 'how dare you' email that left my jaw hanging open.
Then we had a priest visit us who was VERY unfriendly.
Then I found the Greek priest to be a bit standoffish and put-out by me.
Then when I got in contact with an Antiochean priest down South about trying to start an Orthodox Church in my own area, he kept trying to coordinate a phone conference with him, and every time I called he wouldn't answer or he'd be away and promise to call me the next day, wouldn't, then would forget to email me back, then tells me to call, then doesn't answer, in this crazy cycle over and over until we never spoke again.
It just seems to me that I have yet to meet an Orthodox priest that truly captures me and inspires. I've had a series of just bad experiences. I can't say the same with when I was an Anglican. My goodness, priest after priest whom I met WAS OUTSTANDING! In my area, they're the most pastoral, awesome listeners, full of good advice, and quick to care. The Catholics are fairly apathetic and shallow.
I have a bit of a reluctance to want to meet any new Orthodox priests. I've just had a lot of bad experiences. Most people I know can hardly wait to visit new EO parishes on their travels, etc. Me? I have little desire.
All morning today I've felt an emptiness, a shallow pit in me wishing I could worship this morning. I feel a pull not only to go to Confession, but to worship. I hate staying home today. Kate's in bed sleeping, oblivious to the problem since she works nights, my kids having a blast outside playing, but I'm here longing to worship the Living God. But I'm sad to say, and I'm just being honest, that I don't want to stand for 2 hours up there, then have 40-day memorial prayers for a guy I don't know, listen to that endless bulletin reading, hear the banshee-like shouting of the deacon, and have to suffer through his wife ignoring me and then giving me this obligatory "how are you" quick out-the-door stuff....then go to coffee hour and have nobody sit with me.
So I yearn to worship, but I'm sad to say I'm repelled at the thought of "that" worship. I just keep missing the old worship life I had before Orthodoxy.
I just keep telling myself this will pass. But I'm tired of having this angst, this gloom, hit me every six months or so. I think, 'will I have to fight and grapple with this gloom and frustration for the rest of my Orthodox life?'
Oh well. I'm going to go work out at the gym and get something accomplished I guess. But there is a void....and I'm just not sure how to fill it.
Thanks for the prayers. Thanks also for the kind words about me inspiring and aiding you. I guess it's my turn to need it!
I was going to answer your earlier post and say I am one of the happy ones. Happy with Church at least. Life is ... difficult at times, LOL. Church is like coming up from drowning for a gulp of air before going back to swimming the depths. But Church? I'm happy with Church. It's my lifeline.
I didn't want to be over-enthusiastic for Gurney's sake though. It doesn't seem kind, but the truth is, we are just in different places I guess, with different problems and different needs. In so many ways, from what I know of Gurney's life, he and I are opposites, in fact, as far as our current experiences go. Except neither of us is seeing enough of our spouse right now and we both have a long drive to Church.
And I think maybe this is it. God has certainly coddled me at times. And pushed me hard at other times. Every step of the way, I'm sure it was exactly what I needed. But in so many ways my life and my spiritual experiences have been very extraordinary (both good and bad) but what I needed at the time, once I gained enough maturity to look back and evaluate things more clearly.
He coddled me a LOT when I first started following Him. Then later put me through extraordinarily difficult situations. And so on, in cycles. Church is probably my "coddling" right now, while life is not as difficult as in times past (at least I know where my daughter is!) but still challenging in some ways.
I'm probably one of the weak ones that can't take too much spiritual difficulty for too long. Spiritual angst is TERRIBLE for me. So in my weakness, I think He is careful not to overtax my strength to hang on.
Gurney - that probably means you are much stronger than I am!!! I know YOU have been MY strength a few times, and very helpful in PMs to me. I think that's why I wish especially so much for you to have some relief from these problems you have.
I'm hesitant to offer suggestions or advice, because I don't feel I have wisdom in these things. But my prayers are most certainly with you!
LOL, you never know, Xenia.
Maybe EC's spiritual father was concerned that he might develop too much ethno-centrism related to your parish's jurisdiction? Or some other issue particular to EC that in no way really reflects on your parish.
That was my thought, anyway.
Fr. M has told several of us that if we go to a monastery within the next year or so, to be careful confessing there. Not that there is anything wrong with monasteries, but he doesn't like the idea of new converts possibly being treated more strictly than they are ready for. I get the impression from the way he speaks to me that he doesn't want to be strict at ALL with me anyway, which I didn't like at first, but I have realized why, and found he was right.
You never know.
I am thankful for my priest's wisdom though. I wasn't sure for the first few months if he was really paying attention to anything personally relating to me, and didn't yet "trust" him for really personal guidance. I thought I would have to take his knowledge and apply it myself. But I'm glad to learn that I was very wrong. Anyway, sorry, rambling.
God bless.
And Joseph - you and your family are in my prayers.
