I'd would be grateful if someone here prayed for me. My story is long, but I will try to make it short. As I said in my introduction, I used to be pagan. I have prayed to - i suppose they are idols - twice, I think. What disillusioned me with christianity was not some sort of hatred of Jesus (though I often pretended it was during debates with christians, just so that I could provoke my opponents), but the fact that christianity seemed anti-nationalist and pro-globalist. It also seemed to me that if the Christian God were THE God, then he would have revealed himself to more people than merely one irrelevant tribe of the Levant.
My struggle against Christianity was more political than spiritual, though later down the line it became philosophical as well. But one day I decided to look up what the Orthodox view about something was (I think it was arguments against reincarnation/metempsychosis). After that, I kept reading article after article after article and found myself coming back to the Orthodox Church. And by doing this, I took a good look at myself and saw how flawed I am. And I seriously do not know if I am deserving of God's love.
I wrote that last sentence with trepidation, because my father says that exaggerated humility is merely another aspect of arrogance. Still. I have blasphemed against the Lord and spoken mockingly against several of the early saints. In my wallet, I keep a small picture of Joseph, Mary and baby Jesus. It was given to me by my mother, and for that sole reason, I kept it even when I was pagan. Once I spat at it in anger. I do not quite remember the reason for the anger.
I have many, many other flaws and fears at the moment. If I wrote about them all, it would take a long time, so for now I will leave it at this.