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Featured New here looking for advice

Discussion in 'Christian Advice' started by Christianpurpose, Jun 14, 2019.

  1. Christianpurpose

    Christianpurpose New Member

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    I'm married, im just 20 years old but a few months back while I was representing my university in gymnastics my wife was raped and almost left unconscious. Its been like the hardest moment for me to feel so hopeless while I was so far. But now my life just splat down, <staff edit> shes pregnant and I can't even begin to feel my self. We are pro life, so abortion is off the table. We are thinking of keeping it but cmon how do I even tell my parents this, Im lost and Im young and too dumb to even partake in this. I mentioned adoption and she says she will resent it. I need someone older with experience in this because I really have no idea. My mind isn't here and I cant think straight.
     
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  2. musicalpilgrim

    musicalpilgrim pilgrim on the sacred music pathway Supporter Angels Team

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    I pray for you both, may the Lord grant you his wisdom, and may you both feel his heart.
    Deliver, protect, rescue, honour and save, bless this family with your wonderful peace and comfort in Jesus name
     
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  3. Christianpurpose

    Christianpurpose New Member

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    Thank you, i really needed it. I can't go back but im freaking out because the baby prob won't look like me or idk its just weird. I cant put to words in real life to explain it to my parents
     
  4. Mark Quayle

    Mark Quayle Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Bury yourself in the Bible and prayer. A bruised reed he will not break, and smoldering wick he will not snuff out.

    God is taking you and your wife through this for his own sake. And he is using you to accomplish eternal things. Try to be thankful, though I know I can't even begin to put myself in your place. He did other things to me, and only now (many years later) am I beginning to see why.
     
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  5. ml5363

    ml5363 Active Member

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    Prayers for all you are going through... Stay in prayer...who says you have to tell people the baby's story...he/she is innocent in all this...
     
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  6. Oscarr

    Oscarr Senior Veteran Supporter

    +6,445
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    God has never promised that life will always be straightforward and easy. The "brown stuff" happens in the lives of Christians as well as unbelievers. It is the principle of "the rain falls on the just and the unjust" (Matthew 5:45).

    You and your wife are going through probably the most horrible time in your lives, and it is now that you will know whether you are real Christians or not. It is now that you need to hold on to the foundations of your faith like never before.

    God promises to be "your refuge and strength, a very present help in time of trouble, therefore we shall not fear" (Psalm 46:1). This is your time of trouble and this is the time when you will have the greatest awareness of God's love and strength. "His grace is sufficient for you' His strength is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9).

    Isaiah and Hezekiah found themselves in a situation where they didn't know what to do. They prayed, "We don't know what to do, but our eyes are upon you" (2 Chronicles 20:12).

    Just remember, it is not the baby's fault. and the great thing to show the grace of God and the love of Jesus is to bring that child up in your loving home as your own. There will be great outcomes and rewards for doing that.

    If your wife knows who the rapist is, don't hesitate to get the police involved. If not, save her clothing and underwear and don't wash them, because the police can get the DNA of the rapist off it, and that will hold up as evidence in court.

    Also, when the child is born and it is established that the rapist is the father, hit him up for as much child support money that you can get out of him. Make him pay, not only as a criminal, but through his wallet!

    There are good rape crisis counsellors available and it will be good to take advantage of them for both of you to assist you to get through this intact and stronger in the Lord. Try and get a counsellor who respects your faith and not some atheist one who will not be of any use to you spiritually.

    My daughter was raped at the age of 17, and she felt so ashamed that she did not tell us for three weeks, and we washed her underwear, destroying any possible evidence. It took her quite a while to go to the police, and she spent five hours with them, but I don't think they were able to track the guy down in the end. So it is really important to get to a rape crisis centre as soon as possible to get good professional advice.

    That is my advice.
     
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  7. Mel333

    Mel333 Active Member

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    You are not dumb. You're dealing with this as well as anyone ever could given the circumstances.

    Perhaps when you're ready to tell your parents be honest and maybe even write it in a letter if it's easier to communicate that way and sit down with them.
     
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  8. Mathetes66

    Mathetes66 Well-Known Member Supporter

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    That is a difficult situation you have & it will take time to heal from it. I have prayed for you & your family. But first let me give you a situation that Jesus had with his disciples when they asked Jesus a question.

    John 9:1-3 As He passed by, He saw a man blind from birth. 2And His disciples asked Him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” 3Jesus answered, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him."

    This baby to be born has not sinned because of a rape occurring. Recognize that God ALLOWED this baby to be conceived, so that the works of God might be displayed in this baby & that you all learn to love this baby, given as a gift to you by God.

    Please read Psalm 139 too. The baby is part of your wife, too. God allowed for the conception, so that God's works can be displayed in this baby & in your lives in recognizing this.

    And what do you tell your parents? You speak the truth in love. And recognize God's hand in this. And remember another very important principle in Scripture.

    Romans 8:26-28 Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. 27And He who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. 28And we know that for those who love God ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR GOOD, for those who are called according to His purpose.

    I am THANKFUL that this baby will be born to two Christians--who will love this baby & share the gospel & by God's mercy this baby will be saved like both of you. May the love, peace & grace of our Lord be with you all.
     
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  9. Christianpurpose

    Christianpurpose New Member

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    I know. Thing is people will ask and its like so obvious that the baby won't be mine. I don't know what story to tell because the rape itself wasnt mentioned for everybody to know. We solved things without telling no one pretty much only the report.
     
  10. Christianpurpose

    Christianpurpose New Member

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    Its what I was thinking. I type then rip it bcs its hard to tell. But its getting hard to hide and in a way we prayed and feel more comfortable and accept that this is what jesus gave us. What we make of it its what he will judge
     
  11. Christianpurpose

    Christianpurpose New Member

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    True. In a way im just scared of the fact the baby isnt mine and how im gonna navigate through society. When docs ask for the genetics of the father? Or for certain conditions. In a way sometimes i feel like its a gift from God, my wife is starting to move on amd accept it as a gift
     
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  12. Christianpurpose

    Christianpurpose New Member

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    Yes, also yeah we did that. She was in the hospital because the police found her but nothing has happened. The reality is that im overwhelmed with him getting away now my wife is pregnant and im in the middle of it while i i wasn't ready for that. Im gonna start seeking help like you said bcs its too hard to deal alone
     
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  13. Mel333

    Mel333 Active Member

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    Just be honest about it if asked. I'm sure people will be shocked and very supportive. It also shows love in its most purest form to others because you're still there being supportive and keeping the child. This is love. You'll be witnessing to others this love and it moves people.

    It's already moving me... Your story shows people love. That good overcomes evil.
     
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  14. Oscarr

    Oscarr Senior Veteran Supporter

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    Get help from a rape crisis centre in your area. Don't delay. These people are professionals and have experience in dealing with people just like you. Most church people and pastors don't have the training and experience to deal with cases like yours and they could give you wrong advice. This is not a spiritual matter, but a practical one.

    The police are also not trained in dealing with victims of rape. It is certainly gut wrenching to think that the guy may get away with it, but if the hospital and the police have the guy's DNA, then if they don't catch him right away, all he has to do is to commit a crime, be DNA tested and they have got him.

    If you are liaising with the police, ask them to put you own to the closest rape crisis centre so you can get immediate help. I feel quite strongly about that.
     
  15. Mel333

    Mel333 Active Member

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    I'm so proud of you already. I'm almost about to cry. I just think you're doing so well handling overcoming evil.

    Maybe just write a few drafts and keep them and then wait a week, read them and pick the best one to go with. I think you're dealing with shame underneath it all because of feeling helpless in not preventing it from happening and then the shame that it isn't your biological child. But it was out of your control. There is no way to prevent evil but to overcome it when it strikes with good. God will work good out of this.

    Write some drafts, don't read them for a week and then pick the one to go with and then press through that fear/shame and hand the letter over to your parents and be honest. Sit down with them in a comfy environment during the day with some sun.

    The sooner the better so you don't have to worry about it anymore and then the question of "why didn't you tell us earlier starts". Just be honest, truth is the answer. Hiding it just eats you inside.
     
  16. Christianpurpose

    Christianpurpose New Member

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    Will do, we do have the clothes and all and they did pick dna. But its its been months and just that alone made me lose it. My wife was hiding her belly but its starting to grow. My wife doesn't wanna make a big deal out of it bcs she has kinda accepted it as Gods will
     
  17. Christianpurpose

    Christianpurpose New Member

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    Yeah her belly is hard to hide now. She has a small frame and its noticable. We have avoided parent contact and they are thinkinh we are just doubling down on work. And yes,the shame. Gosh the shame of just the insults im gonna get, "cuckolded"is what people will percived. How do i even tell the doc 'oh yeah, hes a lil darker bcs the father was someone else' or some medical genetic question. Makes it worse knowing people make fun of stuff like this all the time without knowing the truth.
     
  18. Oscarr

    Oscarr Senior Veteran Supporter

    +6,445
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    Pentecostal
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    Just another word of advice. It is no benefit for you to go around giving free information to people, especially church people, about how your wife became pregnant. It will save you from having to suffer gossiping busybodies telling you that the child is going to be "born in sin" and other rubbish like that. The last thing you want is for your child to carry a stigma about his birth, just because some gossiping pelicans in your church choose to let everyone know about your situation in the guise of "prayer" in the public church prayer meeting. You know how it goes: "Dear Lord we pray for that unfortunate mother who was raped and her child was born as a result, etc, etc." Some of the most evil gossip originates in church prayer meetings.

    Also be very careful of getting advice from the pastor or elders and giving them too much information. I was in a large church where people went to counselling with the elders over personal problems, and these elders shared with their wives, and before we knew it, people's personal affairs and problems became common knowledge around the church! It is a pity that pastors and elders don't follow the Catholic priest's view of the sanctity of the confessional!

    Professional counsellors have to sign a confidentiality agreement in order to get their practicing licence. So, they could lose their jobs if they divulged confidential information about clients to others who have no right to it.

    If people in your church come up to you and ask you how you are getting along, give them as little information possible. Be strategic in view of the gossips in the church. If people press you for more personal information about what happened, tell them that it is none of their business and walk away. If they won't accept that, write a formal letter of complaint to the pastor, or if your church as a general superintendent, to him. If that does not solve the problem, get a lawyer and issue a gagging court order against them. They would deserve it if they can't keep their grubby maulers off your personal and private affairs.
     
  19. Mel333

    Mel333 Active Member

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    I do see what you mean. It's also none of their business. If they ask, just be honest. "I'm his father yes". People might even just assume you've adopted if the child doesn't look like you. If they ask, did you adopt? Maybe just say it's a sensitive issue that you do not want to discuss if you don't know the people.

    It's also no one else's business, only that your inner circle should know the truth and those outside, I'd use your discretion with whom you feel comfortable with disclosing the private, sensitive information to.

    I've always believed in just answering questions as honestly as possible but you don't have to go out of your way to explain to everyone why he might not look like you.

    People will assume adoption. I don't think people would think you've been cuckholded because men typically wouldn't stick around if a woman has cheated.

    I think you should practice being around others during this time as well. Don't isolate yourself. Go to pregnant groups. People don't ask, who's the father when a child is in the belly. It's afterwards people are curious.
     
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2019
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  20. Oscarr

    Oscarr Senior Veteran Supporter

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    You don't have to tell the whole truth to those who have no right to hear it. You wouldn't be lying to say that the baby is yours, because no one would be able to prove that the baby wasn't.

    If the rapist had a different skin colour (and I am not being racist here), and the baby comes out with a different skin colour than you or your wife, then you can quite rightly say, that the baby is adopted. If people question that, you can say, "What is that to you?"

    You would not be deceiving people who have no right to know your personal business anyway.
     
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