New here looking for advice

[Johan_1988]

I'm married, im just 20 years old but a few months back while I was representing my university in gymnastics my wife was raped and almost left unconscious. Its been like the hardest moment for me to feel so hopeless while I was so far. But now my life just splat down, <staff edit> shes pregnant and I can't even begin to feel my self. We are pro life, so abortion is off the table. We are thinking of keeping it but cmon how do I even tell my parents this, Im lost and Im young and too dumb to even partake in this. I mentioned adoption and she says she will resent it. I need someone older with experience in this because I really have no idea. My mind isn't here and I cant think straight.

Firstly I'm really really sorry to hear the bad news. I really do understand why you are feel really confused. I've been young and dumb and messed it up my life badly,at one stage, by thinking I knew more than my parents so I commend you for your honesty and seeking counsel from elders. And here is the hope I have for you. The Bible says :''Ps 127:3 Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward.'' Sure it's bad that the child was conceived out of wed in an evil act, but that doesn't mean the child is bad. I have seen some of the most beautiful and wonderful children born out of such situations and they are just as lovable as any other. Your focus should be on the innocence of the child although they were conceived from a dastardly act of an evil man. The are their own person, different of their father's. My heart really breaks for you and your wife bro... there is nothing that I can say that will really take tour pain away... ,but lI pray that our Lord Jesus Christ bring you and your wife healing and peace. That you will be able to except the child. True fatherhood lies not in the mere conceiving ,but the raising of the child. There are a lot of dead beat fathers and to their children they may be as good as dead. God bless.

 

[Endeavourer]

Wow, what a testimony of faith you and your wife have had the opportunity to live.

I agree with others who have said it is no one's business to hear more than you want to disclose, regardless of the outcome. If there is any possibility the child is biologically yours, even the more so. No need to tell anyone about the rape you wouldn't have told anyway before the baby arrives (or after, for that matter).

A life lesson that I have learned at great cost, and you are needing to learn it so early in your life: Fear God more than man. Do not fear what man thinks of you, fear what God thinks of you.

Praise the Lord that you are able to rally to her needs, putting aside your own fears and chagrin at what will seem to be the situation. I understand you have many thoughts, perhaps even thought circles, as you are making your way through this crisis. Your wife has all of that plus her traumatic and inhumane experience to work through.

When Mary faced real world consequences (potentially being stoned) for being pregnant with Jesus, the Bible says she pondered these things in her heart. What an impossible position she must have felt she was in.

I would encourage you to leave aside your fears about seeming to have been cuckholded in any conversations with her... it seems a small thing (as big as it is) compared to what she is processing right now.

The theft of her dignity for those moments is a hard thing to get over... and to have the result of that create a public narrative that will forever have her on the defensive... justifying how the baby came to be her baby and that she will be assumed to be an adulteress if she doesn't reveal very personal things that are none of anyone's business. As the mom of kids who looked different from me, the question was asked by some seemingly kind, overly curious person in checkout lines all the time. She'll have a lifetime of that question ahead of her. The answer she provides (which will be understood by the child as it grows older) will be so important to the self value of the child.

"All of my children were chosen for me by the Lord" or "all of my children are precious gifts from God" are the type of answers that will validate the child and yet gently rebuke the nosiness of the questioner.

Brother, you have my admiration and love from my heart for bravely standing for your sincerely held beliefs. In this case, had you chosen to abort the baby, you and especially your wife, would have been traumatized all over again, but the second time for a life time. Survivor's guilt from abortions is post traumatic and takes a life time of healing as well.

God speed. I pray the Lord shines his face upon you and your family during your life journey ahead.
E.

 

[Endeavourer]

Will do, we do have the clothes and all and they did pick dna.

I'd visit an attorney to get some advice about this. You might have the opportunity to pursue justice, or child support but then revealing the child is his might entitle him to parental rights, depending upon the laws where you live.

Would you rather:
--not prosecute the rape, not have the DNA followed up on, and not expose the father to the knowledge about the conception? If he was evil enough to rape your wife, would he be evil enough to haunt your life demanding money in order for him to not pursue you for his share of custody of the child?

--prosecute the rape, receive justice but expose your family to further risk as described above?

--or other potential outcome unforeseen by me because I'm not an attorney?

Some courts make very wacky decisions these days.

Be careful. Be wise.

 

[Christianpurpose]

I'd visit an attorney to get some advice about this. You might have the opportunity to pursue justice, or child support but then revealing the child is his might entitle him to parental rights, depending upon the laws where you live.

Would you rather:
--not prosecute the rape, not have the DNA followed up on, and not expose the father to the knowledge about the conception? If he was evil enough to rape your wife, would he be evil enough to haunt your life demanding money in order for him to not pursue you for his share of custody of the child?

--prosecute the rape, receive justice but expose your family to further risk as described above?

--or other potential outcome unforeseen by me because I'm not an attorney?

Some courts make very wacky decisions these days.

Be careful. Be wise.

Being fully honest, I can't be face to face with a man who did that to my wife. I have a decent job and I basically go to university for free, I have a lot in my life, and I know it's gonna be hard but I can work through it.

 

[Christianpurpose]

Wow, what a testimony of faith you and your wife have had the opportunity to live.

I agree with others who have said it is no one's business to hear more than you want to disclose, regardless of the outcome. If there is any possibility the child is biologically yours, even the more so. No need to tell anyone about the rape you wouldn't have told anyway before the baby arrives (or after, for that matter).

A life lesson that I have learned at great cost, and you are needing to learn it so early in your life: Fear God more than man. Do not fear what man thinks of you, fear what God thinks of you.

Praise the Lord that you are able to rally to her needs, putting aside your own fears and chagrin at what will seem to be the situation. I understand you have many thoughts, perhaps even thought circles, as you are making your way through this crisis. Your wife has all of that plus her traumatic and inhumane experience to work through.

When Mary faced real world consequences (potentially being stoned) for being pregnant with Jesus, the Bible says she pondered these things in her heart. What an impossible position she must have felt she was in.

I would encourage you to leave aside your fears about seeming to have been cuckholded in any conversations with her... it seems a small thing (as big as it is) compared to what she is processing right now.

The theft of her dignity for those moments is a hard thing to get over... and to have the result of that create a public narrative that will forever have her on the defensive... justifying how the baby came to be her baby and that she will be assumed to be an adulteress if she doesn't reveal very personal things that are none of anyone's business. As the mom of kids who looked different from me, the question was asked by some seemingly kind, overly curious person in checkout lines all the time. She'll have a lifetime of that question ahead of her. The answer she provides (which will be understood by the child as it grows older) will be so important to the self value of the child.

"All of my children were chosen for me by the Lord" or "all of my children are precious gifts from God" are the type of answers that will validate the child and yet gently rebuke the nosiness of the questioner.

Brother, you have my admiration and love from my heart for bravely standing for your sincerely held beliefs. In this case, had you chosen to abort the baby, you and especially your wife, would have been traumatized all over again, but the second time for a life time. Survivor's guilt from abortions is post traumatic and takes a life time of healing as well.

God speed. I pray the Lord shines his face upon you and your family during your life journey ahead.
E.

Also im not racist at all. But here in spain theres too many undocumented immigrants from Africa, some have crime back in their countries and they cross the border by force. I know many who are legal and they are fine and speak spanish but im also mad at the government for letting such issue get out of hand. Rapes are rising incredibly.

 

[socal poppy]

I am glad that you said you were from Spain. I am from the United States. I think that here maybe people would respond to the baby's existence differently? You have had so much advice and support here, but I did think that I could add two things.

1. Professional Counseling for both of you. Really.

2. There is no shame, only glory. The rape is not your fault or your wife's fault. There is nothing to be ashamed for before God. Where do you go from here? Love, to the glory of God. Love your wife. Love her child. Love yourself. It will be very important that you find your identity in God instead of the false beliefs that others may have. You will learn this lesson very early because you will need it so much.

 

[Hazelelponi]

I know. Thing is people will ask and its like so obvious that the baby won't be mine. I don't know what story to tell because the rape itself wasnt mentioned for everybody to know. We solved things without telling no one pretty much only the report.

Firstly, you seem terribly sure that baby isn't yours. But if your married then you've been having normal relations with your wife prior to her rape.

While a woman can be impregnated the first time she is with a man, it is usually the many times and not the one that has done the job.

so, the chances are far better that this child is actually yours, rather than a product of this rape.

That said, even if this child ends up not being yours, who cares? Do you know how many men raise children not their own, every single day in this country?

No one is going to say anything at all, most likely. If you prefer, move to an area your not already known, and no one will think twice that your raising your wife's child as your own.

People no longer question those types of things, it's 2019.

You deal with all this emotionally however you have to, and support her all you can. Her emotional problems will be great, she will try to hide her depression but it will be tremendous, and the burden on her tremendous.

The very first thing you need to do is get her in counselling - No matter what it costs. It's her greatest need right now, and a Christian counselor or psychiatrist will be the most understanding of her reactions right now

Second. Get yourself into counselling. no matter the cost. You need to be her rock, but you need a place to cry in order to be that rock, so get into counselling - separately from your wife.

My daughter tried to kill herself after she was raped, and went through all kinds of emotional difficulties... you need to get your wife some help. She needs it whether she will admit it or not.

 

[Christianpurpose]

Firstly, you seem terribly sure that baby isn't yours. But if your married then you've been having normal relations with your wife prior to her rape.

While a woman can be impregnated the first time she is with a man, it is usually the many times and not the one that has done the job.

so, the chances are far better that this child is actually yours, rather than a product of this rape.

That said, even if this child ends up not being yours, who cares? Do you know how many men raise children not their own, every single day in this country?

No one is going to say anything at all, most likely. If you prefer, move to an area your not already known, and no one will think twice that your raising your wife's child as your own.

People no longer question those types of things, it's 2019.

You deal with all this emotionally however you have to, and support her all you can. Her emotional problems will be great, she will try to hide her depression but it will be tremendous, and the burden on her tremendous.

The very first thing you need to do is get her in counselling - No matter what it costs. It's her greatest need right now, and a Christian counselor or psychiatrist will be the most understanding of her reactions right now

Second. Get yourself into counselling. no matter the cost. You need to be her rock, but you need a place to cry in order to be that rock, so get into counselling - separately from your wife.

My daughter tried to kill herself after she was raped, and went through all kinds of emotional difficulties... you need to get your wife some help. She needs it whether she will admit it or not.

I'm sure its the guy because We were separated because I travel to compete in gymnastics and we had that period that we didn't see one another. The pregnancy falls right in line with the rape. I know, pregnancy through rape is hard but i guess shes part of that 1% statistic now

 

[Christianpurpose]

Firstly, you seem terribly sure that baby isn't yours. But if your married then you've been having normal relations with your wife prior to her rape.

While a woman can be impregnated the first time she is with a man, it is usually the many times and not the one that has done the job.

so, the chances are far better that this child is actually yours, rather than a product of this rape.

That said, even if this child ends up not being yours, who cares? Do you know how many men raise children not their own, every single day in this country?

No one is going to say anything at all, most likely. If you prefer, move to an area your not already known, and no one will think twice that your raising your wife's child as your own.

People no longer question those types of things, it's 2019.

You deal with all this emotionally however you have to, and support her all you can. Her emotional problems will be great, she will try to hide her depression but it will be tremendous, and the burden on her tremendous.

The very first thing you need to do is get her in counselling - No matter what it costs. It's her greatest need right now, and a Christian counselor or psychiatrist will be the most understanding of her reactions right now

Second. Get yourself into counselling. no matter the cost. You need to be her rock, but you need a place to cry in order to be that rock, so get into counselling - separately from your wife.

My daughter tried to kill herself after she was raped, and went through all kinds of emotional difficulties... you need to get your wife some help. She needs it whether she will admit it or not.

We are,

I am glad that you said you were from Spain. I am from the United States. I think that here maybe people would respond to the baby's existence differently? You have had so much advice and support here, but I did think that I could add two things.

1. Professional Counseling for both of you. Really.

2. There is no shame, only glory. The rape is not your fault or your wife's fault. There is nothing to be ashamed for before God. Where do you go from here? Love, to the glory of God. Love your wife. Love her child. Love yourself. It will be very important that you find your identity in . instead of the false beliefs that others may have. You will learn this lesson very early because you will need it so much.

Ironically here in spain the only ones who wont say much are feminist and liberals, but I probably can't show my face in any catholic nationalist scene, especially with whats going on now with immigration. Im patriot but im not race obsessed, thats the thing, I dont think many of the right will accept me or the fact that the baby isn't mine or worst...hes black. If he was spanish I could literally pass this as my own. Just think about it. People are gonna joke me to hell. We even have jokes about that, "cornudo" its literally the worst thing a man can be called in spanish society.

 

[Endeavourer]

It surely will be a journey in Jesus' steps in the sense that his good was profoundly misunderstood for bad.

Cling to Him, brother. Those joking people don't know anything. It is a process to learn to not fear what man thinks. You are having to face it at a very young age. Undoubtedly your experience inthat will greatly enrichen your spiritual journey and possibly prepare you for some important work the Lord may have in store for you.

The Lord gives us what we need in order to refine us to what He needs.

Hugs,
E.

 

[NeedyFollower]

I'm married, im just 20 years old but a few months back while I was representing my university in gymnastics my wife was raped and almost left unconscious. Its been like the hardest moment for me to feel so hopeless while I was so far. But now my life just splat down, <staff edit> shes pregnant and I can't even begin to feel my self. We are pro life, so abortion is off the table. We are thinking of keeping it but cmon how do I even tell my parents this, Im lost and Im young and too dumb to even partake in this. I mentioned adoption and she says she will resent it. I need someone older with experience in this because I really have no idea. My mind isn't here and I cant think straight.

Hello dear brother ...Apparently we are all born in sin and through Christ receive the spirit of adoption whereby we cry "Abba " Father ...so that God is our Father . I was very far from God when He found me ..I was totally ungodly and yet He chose me . Do what your heavenly Father has done for every believer ...conform them into His image .

 

[socal poppy]

Ironically here in spain the only ones who wont say much are feminist and liberals, but I probably can't show my face in any catholic nationalist scene, especially with whats going on now with immigration. Im patriot but im not race obsessed, thats the thing, I dont think many of the right will accept me or the fact that the baby isn't mine or worst...hes black. If he was spanish I could literally pass this as my own. Just think about it. People are gonna joke me to hell. We even have jokes about that, "cornudo" its literally the worst thing a man can be called in spanish society.

Thank you for the explanation. I better understand what you will be facing with the joking, immigration, and that you often travel.

 

[Robin Mauro]

I

I'm married, im just 20 years old but a few months back while I was representing my university in gymnastics my wife was raped and almost left unconscious. Its been like the hardest moment for me to feel so hopeless while I was so far. But now my life just splat down, <staff edit> shes pregnant and I can't even begin to feel my self. We are pro life, so abortion is off the table. We are thinking of keeping it but cmon how do I even tell my parents this, Im lost and Im young and too dumb to even partake in this. I mentioned adoption and she says she will resent it. I need someone older with experience in this because I really have no idea. My mind isn't here and I cant think straight.

I am so sorry to hear that. I was raped when I was 16, and in some ways it has affected my entire life, (I am now almost 60) but I know and trust that God uses all things for a higher purpose, and one day he will wipe away every tear, our suffering will end, and we will see how he turned what was evil into good. I can tell you this, be not afraid. You will love that baby. The baby is not the biological father. And the one who raises it is the father, not the biological father.
Pregnancy is terrifying under the best of circumstances, but when the baby arrives, you will love that baby, with an incomprehensible love. And children also bring us heartache(s) , it is not easy, but they also bring us much joy, so be not afraid. And tell your parents the truth. If they are god people, they will grieve with you both, and will be a great support to you both as grandparents. And if not, in spite of the struggles and the pain, God will see you through. He sees you. He sees your wife. He sees this baby. And he is working what was meant for harm for a higher good.
Trust him.
I am praying for you all, and crying with you, and believing for you, your wife, and this new precious life.
Robin

 

[Robin Mauro]

I know. Thing is people will ask and its like so obvious that the baby won't be mine. I don't know what story to tell because the rape itself wasnt mentioned for everybody to know. We solved things without telling no one pretty much only the report.

People will probably not know the baby is not yours. I have two adopted children and over and over when they were growing up people told me how much they looked like me. Do not worry. Do not be afraid