New here looking for advice

[Presbyterian Continuist]

Yeah her belly is hard to hide now. She has a small frame and its noticable. We have avoided parent contact and they are thinkinh we are just doubling down on work. And yes,the shame. Gosh the shame of just the insults im gonna get, "cuckolded"is what people will percived. How do i even tell the doc 'oh yeah, hes a lil darker bcs the father was someone else' or some medical genetic question. Makes it worse knowing people make fun of stuff like this all the time without knowing the truth.

It would be a good thing to sit down with your respective parents and tell them what happened. It will solve a lot of problems in the long run. Otherwise it will be something of a guilty secret from your respective parents, and they will sense that there is something not quite right. I know it will be scary to do that because you don't know what their reaction will be, but if you hold your ground and not be railroaded into anything, but expect them to be proud grandparents or else you will break contact with them until they come round to what you and your wife decide, they may very well, get alongside you and be a great support for you.

If my daughter had become pregnant as the result of her rape, we would have got alongside her and been proud grandparents and would have loved that child and spoiled it rotten like all good grandparents should do!

 

[Christianpurpose]

Just another word of advice. It is no benefit for you to go around giving free information to people, especially church people, about how your wife became pregnant. It will save you from having to suffer gossiping busybodies telling you that the child is going to be "born in sin" and other rubbish like that. The last thing you want is for your child to carry a stigma about his birth, just because some gossiping pelicans in your church choose to let everyone know about your situation in the guise of "prayer" in the public church prayer meeting. You know how it goes: "Dear Lord we pray for that unfortunate mother who was raped and her child was born as a result, etc, etc." Some of the most evil gossip originates in church prayer meetings.

Also be very careful of getting advice from the pastor or elders and giving them too much information. I was in a large church where people went to counselling with the elders over personal problems, and these elders shared with their wives, and before we knew it, people's personal affairs and problems became common knowledge around the church! It is a pity that pastors and elders don't follow the Catholic priest's view of the sanctity of the confessional!

Professional counsellors have to sign a confidentiality agreement in order to get their practicing licence. So, they could lose their jobs if they divulged confidential information about clients to others who have no right to it.

If people in your church come up to you and ask you how you are getting along, give them as little information possible. Be strategic in view of the gossips in the church. If people press you for more personal information about what happened, tell them that it is none of their business and walk away. If they won't accept that, write a formal letter of complaint to the pastor, or if your church as a general superintendent, to him. If that does not solve the problem, get a lawyer and issue a gagging court order against them. They would deserve it if they can't keep their grubby maulers off your personal and private affairs.

Good comment. This is actually why i i made this a a account, this isnt something i wanna ask people in my life who I know will say a lot of bs. We have kept everything down low and i expect it to stay

 

[Christianpurpose]

You don't have to tell the whole truth to those who have no right to hear it. You wouldn't be lying to say that the baby is yours, because no one would be able to prove that the baby wasn't.

If the rapist had a different skin colour (and I am not being racist here), and the baby comes out with a different skin colour than you or your wife, then you can quite rightly say, that the baby is adopted. If people question that, you can say, "What is that to you?"

You would not be deceiving people who have no right to know your personal business anyway.

Yeah. I just hope the stories don't get changed. Its sad tbh, its a pregnancy full of fears and not taking pictures because if we use the adoption excuse we want no evidence of it being born. Ugh its its just the shame. Im trying to have composure and just go through with it

 

[Christianpurpose]

I do see what you mean. It's also none of their business. If they ask, just be honest. "I'm his father yes". People might even just assume you've adopted if the child doesn't look like you. If they ask, did you adopt? Maybe just say it's a sensitive issue that you do not want to discuss if you don't know the people.

It's also no one else's business, only that your inner circle should know the truth and those outside, I'd use your discretion with whom you feel comfortable disclosing the private, sensitive information to.

I've always believed in just answering questions as honestly as possible but you don't have to go out of your way to explain to everyone why he might not look like you.

People will assume adoption. I don't think people would think you've been cuckholded because men typically wouldn't stick around if a woman has cheated.

I think you should practice being around others during this time as well. Don't isolate yourself. Go to pregnant groups. People don't ask, who's the father when a child is in the belly. It's afterwards people are curious.

Yes. Thing is, this pregnancy is just full of fears and not taking pics or cute baby stuff with the fam. Its been hard to cope with it but I don't want it to interfere with the childs care or for it to feel like he is some mistake or that he is being hidden in the future. This is why i made this account bcs i i cant ask people i personally know and others woukd just insult me and call for abortion which is just no

 

[Mel333]

Yeah her belly is hard to hide now. She has a small frame and its noticable. We have avoided parent contact and they are thinkinh we are just doubling down on work. And yes,the shame. Gosh the shame of just the insults im gonna get, "cuckolded"is what people will percived. How do i even tell the doc 'oh yeah, hes a lil darker bcs the father was someone else' or some medical genetic question. Makes it worse knowing people make fun of stuff like this all the time without knowing the truth.

You might be surprised that people are kinder than you might think as well if your child is darker skin.

In reality people actually are moved when people adopt or accept someone that doesn't look like them into their home or into their family. I suppose it depends who you hang out with. If you're hanging out with jerks they will mock everyone.

The other thought I just had is they might even think your wife had a previous relationship before and you accepted her and her bear cub.

Thinking what others are thinking is endless and a trap. Focus on the letter and getting out to parenting classes and hanging out with church peeps. They will be supportive.

Both you and your wife are handling the circumstances very well.

 

[Christianpurpose]

You might be surprised that people are kinder than you might think as well if your child is darker skin.

In reality people actually are moved when people adopt or accept someone that doesn't look like them into their home or into their family. I suppose it depends who you hang out with. If you're hanging out with jerks they will mock everyone.

The other thought I just had is they might even think your wife had a previous relationship before and you accepted her and her bear cub.

Thinking what others are thinking is endless and a trap. Focus on the letter and getting out to parenting classes and hanging out with church peeps. They will be supportive.

Both you and your wife are handling the circumstances very well.

Ive had my few happy moments where im just glad my wife is bringing life instead of abortion. My wife has always said that rape shouldn't be an excuse to abort, so she is living by what she says and im sorta happy with it but then i i think of others opinions and even tho i know they dont matter it kinda sticks

 

[Mel333]

Yes. Thing is, this pregnancy is just full of fears and not taking pics or cute baby stuff with the fam. Its been hard to cope with it but I don't want it to interfere with the childs care or for it to feel like he is some mistake or that he is being hidden in the future. This is why i made this account bcs i i cant ask people i personally know and others woukd just insult me and call for abortion which is just no

Oh ofcourse it would be. I think you've already made the decision and stand firm in it and read the bible on bits about shame or how to overcome shame and fear. Perfect love casts out fear it says. So fight fear with love.

I also suggest after you've made your decision, stand firm it in and then tell your parents and those closest to you.

When you're both ready, take some nice black & white pics of your wife and her growing belly.

I don't know if you need a 'happy' family photo shoot but it would be nice to see some pics later in life of mother and child in belly.

 

[Christianpurpose]

Oh ofcourse it would be. I think you've already made the decision and stand firm in it and read the bible on bits about shame or how to overcome shame and fear. Perfect love casts out fear it says. So fight fear with love.

I also suggest after you've made your decision, stand firm it in and then tell your parents and those closest to you.

When you're both ready, take some nice black & white pics of your wife and her growing belly.

I don't know if you need a 'happy' family photo shoot but it would be nice to see some pics later in life of mother and child in belly.

It will be. I just needed to hear it from other people. Im starting to love the process for what it is.

 

[Mel333]

It will be. I just needed to hear it from other people. Im starting to love the process for what it is.

Just amazing. Your story has already changed my view on certain things in regards to abortion and adoption debates.

I believe this experience will show others what love looks like. That is, love really does overcome evil in the end.

 

[Carl Emerson]

Most church people and pastors don't have the training and experience to deal with cases like yours and they could give you wrong advice. This is not a spiritual matter, but a practical one.

Yes, initially most of the issues to be dealt with will be practical, but prayer support will also help.

 

[Christianpurpose]

Just amazing. Your story has already changed my view on certain things in regards to abortion and adoption debates.

I believe this experience will show others what love looks like. That is, love really does overcome evil in the end.

Same

Just amazing. Your story has already changed my view on certain things in regards to abortion and adoption debates.

I believe this experience will show others what love looks like. That is, love really does overcome evil in the end.

Well. I got married young and I promised to never leave, and tbh we really were not sure when we were gonna have kids but God has placed on us a blessing. Abortion is just too inmoral in my opinion, and adoption the process is kinda flawed from the many horror stories i hear. I rather raise it and now he is in goof care with a hard working father and a family united for and by God

 

[Mel333]

Same

Well. I got married young and I promised to never leave, and tbh we really were not sure when we were gonna have kids but God has placed on us a blessing. Abortion is just too inmoral in my opinion, and adoption the process is kinda flawed from the many horror stories i hear. I rather raise it and now he is in goof care with a hard working father and a family united for and by God

Do you know if it's a boy or girl yet?

If you need help writing the letter to your parents pm me. I think I can help with that. ie I can write a draft letter for you to edit. If that helps you at all.

 

[Christianpurpose]

Yes. If the child was given up for adoption the parents might not be Christian either and an adopted child feels rejected for the rest of their life. They feel unwanted and go looking for why they were abandoned and if this child ever found out that way of their beginnings, it would break them. One day, when the child is ready, you'll have to be honest with them too and that you always loved them.

Do you know if it's a boy or girl yet?

I like the naming part and then clothes shopping for cute outfits and beanies.

In regards to the day of delivery maybe just be honest with the delivery people about what happened so there isn't any weirdness if the child has dark skin and you're both white.

It's best to tackle these things to the ground before that question arises. Hence honesty with those closest to you.

We still don't know. We are still somewhat realizing that this really happened, the emotional rollercoaster. We are from spain, and the according to description the rapist is black, very black. This week imma try to focus on her and the baby instead of the shame or my fear. This has robbed my chance for good moments

 

[Christianpurpose]

Yes. If the child was given up for adoption the parents might not be Christian either and an adopted child feels rejected for the rest of their life. They feel unwanted and go looking for why they were abandoned and if this child ever found out that way of their beginnings, it would break them. One day, when the child is ready, you'll have to be honest with them too and that you always loved them.

Do you know if it's a boy or girl yet?

I like the naming part and then clothes shopping for cute outfits and beanies.

In regards to the day of delivery maybe just be honest with the delivery people about what happened so there isn't any weirdness if the child has dark skin and you're both white.

It's best to tackle these things to the ground before that question arises. Hence honesty with those closest to you.

If you need help writing the letter to your parents pm me. I think I can help with that. ie I can write a draft letter for you to edit. If that helps you at all.

Also yes. Please do help me with that letter bcs its very hard to put into words from my point of view. You prob have a better way to say this

 

[Mel333]

Also yes. Please do help me with that letter bcs its very hard to put into words from my point of view. You prob have a better way to say this

Okay. I'll pm you a draft letter in a day. I have some ideas and then you can edit.

Do your parents know your wife is pregnant?

 

[Christianpurpose]

Okay. I'll pm you a draft letter in a day. I have some ideas and then you can edit.

Do your parents know your wife is pregnant?

No

 

[Mel333]

No

Okay, well that's good. We'll write it in one letter then. Q & A time after it. Will give you the questions they may ask to practice some answers. Bye for now.

 

[Christianpurpose]

Okay, well that's good. We'll write it in one letter then. Q & A time after it. Will give you the questions they may ask to practice some answers. Bye for now.

Thanks a lot really

 

[Christianpurpose]

That is a difficult situation you have & it will take time to heal from it. I have prayed for you & your family. But first let me give you a situation that Jesus had with his disciples when they asked Jesus a question.

John 9:1-3 As He passed by, He saw a man blind from birth. 2And His disciples asked Him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” 3Jesus answered, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him."

This baby to be born has not sinned because of a rape occurring. Recognize that God ALLOWED this baby to be conceived, so that the works of God might be displayed in this baby & that you all learn to love this baby, given as a gift to you by God.

Please read Psalm 139 too. The baby is part of your wife, too. God allowed for the conception, so that God's works can be displayed in this baby & in your lives in recognizing this.

And what do you tell your parents? You speak the truth in love. And recognize God's hand in this. And remember another very important principle in Scripture.

Romans 8:26-28 Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. 27And He who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. 28And we know that for those who love God ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR GOOD, for those who are called according to His purpose.

I am THANKFUL that this baby will be born to two Christians--who will love this baby & share the gospel & by God's mercy this baby will be saved like both of you. May the love, peace & grace of our Lord be with you all.

Thanks a lot. My wife said the same thing, this is a blessing that can bring us closer to God and to see the good in it.

 

[mnorian]

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