29 & Never Dated

[Juan777]

Sorry if I misunderstood or implied that you were saying something you weren't. My bad.

I talk to women, and I've dated from time to time, but I only meet my type once in a blue moon. There have been times when I've felt like the OP.

That is fine, of course, you are not incel because you are talking to women, and you also date from time to time so there is a healthy level of activity.

Is he giving off an incel vibe, or is he just lonely and venting about it online? I think he mostly wants a girlfriend, but doesn't have one. Totally understandable, but not incel in my opinion.

It's not JUST he wants a girlfriend (which I would be in the same boat as him). He is not talking to anyone, dating anyone, and the activity is basically zero. When the activity is zero, and that's because either women are not taking you on, or there is no women around, (ie hence not really your fault there is no activity) then that is incel territory.

Again, I think we should co-opt the term and Christianize it. Make it a barometer of social engagement with the opposite sex.

 

[Niels]

That is fine, of course, you are not incel because you are talking to women, and you also date from time to time so there is a healthy level of activity.



It's not JUST he wants a girlfriend (which I would be in the same boat as him). He is not talking to anyone, dating anyone, and the activity is basically zero. When the activity is zero, and that's because either women are not taking you on, or there is no women around, (ie hence not really your fault there is no activity) then that is incel territory.

Again, I think we should co-opt the term and Christianize it. Make it a barometer of social engagement with the opposite sex.

What kind of social interaction are we talking about? Friendly chit-chat, small talk, flirting, or? I'm not sure what a healthy level would be, as people are different.

One thing that I keep coming back to in my head, but haven't brought up yet, is the suspicion that he doesn't necessarily notice all women who are available and interested. For whatever reason, he may not think of them in a romantic way, or maybe they're waiting for him to make the first move. If one or two fall into this category, would he still qualify? If so, how would that differ from a simple lack of interest. And along those lines, how would it differ from living in a small town where everybody else is already married or doesn't have the right chemistry?

In my opinion, I think it's better to say that he's lonely, which is more than simply being alone without the baggage of the other term.

 

[Juan777]

What kind of social interaction are we talking about? Friendly chit-chat, small talk, flirting, or? I'm not sure what a healthy level would be, as people are different.

All of the above.

One thing that I keep coming back to in my head, but haven't brought up yet, is the suspicion that he doesn't necessarily notice all women who are available and interested.

I've read his posts in this thread from the beginning since I've joined, and I'm not getting that impression. He is not even meeting women on Christian dating sites.

For whatever reason, he may not think of them in a romantic way, or maybe they're waiting for him to make the first move.

Again, I've read the posts throughout this thread. If there is any post he wrote that would lead to that conclusion, or even hint of that, I'd like to know what it is.

If one or two fall into this category, would he still qualify?

They don't fall into either of the categories in his case from the posts that I have read on this thread. He is not meeting anyone thorough online dating, and church meetings are mainly men gathering there with a couple of women who are usually involved with someone else. We know that main services people walk in and walk out quickly so it's hard to connect with anyone, especially a lady that does not notice you first or is showing any indication or sign that she wants to be approached by you.

If so, how would that differ from a simple lack of interest. And along those lines, how would it differ from living in a small town where everybody else is already married or doesn't have the right chemistry?

I don't really buy that because of the internet and online dating. There is no excuse for people not to meet people in this day and age unless you happen to be that guy that most women are not showing interest or cooperating with. As long as there is a healthy level of interest or reciprocity then I don't care about any other issues including geography because at least you have a positive experience in that issue in the back of your mind and it doesn't feel that extreme.

In my opinion, I think it's better to say that he's lonely, which is more than simply being alone without the baggage of the other term.

I disagree because of the age of the thread. If he was younger, or if this was a new thread then that would be reasonable to say. This is a very old thread with no solution in sight or on the horizon. Perhaps eventually he'll find someone and there will be a good update on this thread. However, to say this is not an incel resonant thread would be dishonest.

People put baggage or stigma because not being able to attract a woman or have a girlfriend somehow makes guys out to be losers or something is deficient with them. That baggage came long before the term incel became any word. At the end of the day the only thing to fight stigma or baggage is to see that there is nothing inherently or morally wrong with it, it's quite common as many guys are facing the same thing and you are not the odd one out. That's better than putting it under a rug and just saying you are lonely because that doesn't really say much. People in relationships are lonely too. In fact, in one relationship in the past, there were moments I felt more lonelier than I ever did when I was single.

 

[pc_76]

Society today is very dark, and it is going to be getting worse before it gets better, if it even has an opportunity to rebuild and get better. Half the country are literally called a threat, etc. It is at the point where it is legit scary.

 

[Niels]

All of the above.



I've read his posts in this thread from the beginning since I've joined, and I'm not getting that impression. He is not even meeting women on Christian dating sites.



Again, I've read the posts throughout this thread. If there is any post he wrote that would lead to that conclusion, or even hint of that, I'd like to know what it is.



They don't fall into either of the categories in his case from the posts that I have read on this thread. He is not meeting anyone thorough online dating, and church meetings are mainly men gathering there with a couple of women who are usually involved with someone else. We know that main services people walk in and walk out quickly so it's hard to connect with anyone, especially a lady that does not notice you first or is showing any indication or sign that she wants to be approached by you.



I don't really buy that because of the internet and online dating. There is no excuse for people not to meet people in this day and age unless you happen to be that guy that most women are not showing interest or cooperating with. As long as there is a healthy level of interest or reciprocity then I don't care about any other issues including geography because at least you have a positive experience in that issue in the back of your mind and it doesn't feel that extreme.



I disagree because of the age of the thread. If he was younger, or if this was a new thread then that would be reasonable to say. This is a very old thread with no solution in sight or on the horizon. Perhaps eventually he'll find someone and there will be a good update on this thread. However, to say this is not an incel resonant thread would be dishonest.

People put baggage or stigma because not being able to attract a woman or have a girlfriend somehow makes guys out to be losers or something is deficient with them. That baggage came long before the term incel became any word. At the end of the day the only thing to fight stigma or baggage is to see that there is nothing inherently or morally wrong with it, it's quite common as many guys are facing the same thing and you are not the odd one out. That's better than putting it under a rug and just saying you are lonely because that doesn't really say much. People in relationships are lonely too. In fact, in one relationship in the past, there were moments I felt more lonelier than I ever did when I was single.

"Love shy" might be a better term for what you're describing.

I don't know what "incel resonant" means, but I don't get the impression that he's constantly trying (and failing) to have sex. Nor do I get the impression that he's a misogynist.

And yes, it's totally possible to feel lonely in a relationship, but if he's never dated then he hasn't experienced that for himself. If he had, this thread wouldn't exist.

 

[Juan777]

"Love shy" might be a better term for what you're describing.

I don't know what "incel resonant" means, but I don't get the impression that he's constantly trying (and failing) to have sex. Nor do I get the impression that he's a misogynist.

And yes, it's totally possible to feel lonely in a relationship, but if he's never dated then he hasn't experienced that for himself. If he had, this thread wouldn't exist.

Love shy is too dated and belongs in the 00s era and is hardly used anymore and neither is forced lonliness. Nobody is shy when you have online dating period. Its more likely that nobody is responding to you rather than being love shy. Especially when women either make the first move or make it very obvious they are interested if they dont.

If you are unable to get married then it is the same thing. You have sex when you get married right? There is nowhere that I have said that I am somehow pro fornication or any sin. I think the bible is very self explanatory in prescribing marriage to deal with sex matters (1 Cor 7:2).

Nobody said you have to be misogynist in order to be incel. The bible says if you bear hate in your heart than you are a murderer (Matt 5).

To impute these sins on a label that describes you cant get married even though you want to is grossly unfair and harsh and totally unproductive.

As I said, the church needs to take over the narrative rather than just leave it to the secular world. There should be a Christian friendly realm rather than ducking the head in the sand or coming up with cop out terms to distance yourself from what is becoming a more emergent and popular narrative.

 

[DragonFox91]

Really? If you are not talking to women, have any friendships of the opposite sex, get no connections on OLD and dont talk to anyone in church or social gatherings then that is incel in my books because you are not even meeting anyone. This seems to be an issue with guys rather than gals, especially the less conventionally attractive type of guys.

Your thread reflects that things are that bad with you and I am sure many others have the same experience. This thread is 2 years old and meets the textbook definition of incelness, complaining about feeling lonely and having noone. So it seems like a controversial term but why does the secular world have to own all these terms? Its not like its the swear word so its a neutral term and there is no real space in the church or elsewhere where guys like us can express this. When the church address the issue and creates safe spaces for these types of issue then it can take ownership of this term or make another one that is more Christian appropriate or provide its own direction into that narrative rather than leaving it to the secular world.

It's the permanence sense I as a Christian would take issue w/.
Plus your identity shouldn't be your sexual status.

 

[Juan777]

It's the permanence sense I as a Christian would take issue w/.
Plus your identity shouldn't be your sexual status.

Its up to you to prove its not permanent if it really is not with you. I put a very low bar such as talking to women, meeting women online or in church, and showing some indication that this is no longer an issue with you. Whether you like it or not, we make identities for ourselves based on what we post and how we are functioning in life. The issue is not the identity, but it stigma and shame behind such an identity. In reality, it's just putting a name to a face with the type of thread that it this is. If you have such an issue with identity then ask the mods to lock this thread and put up a new thread elsewhere and establish yourself in another area of the board.

May I ask, apart from this thread on this section, what type of other threads or issues have you made elsewhere on this board that you would feel would describe who you are or what position you would take on an issue? If you can't answer that properly then you have taken up an identity with this thread as the "29 year old who never dated before" who is saying the same thing as the years go by, is creating an identity in and of itself.

 

[DragonFox91]

I wish I could date. But I can't find one I like & would be compatible with.

 

[Juan777]

When people stay away from porn then they tend to have more realistic expectations.

 

[DragonFox91]

I would love to date

 

[RileyG]

When people stay away from porn then they tend to have more realistic expectations.

Porn kills love.

 

[RileyG]

I wish I could date. But I can't find one I like & would be compatible with.

You are in my prayers. May you find a suitable partner. Trust in God and his faithfulness.

 

[DragonFox91]

I'm trying to remind myself it could be a lot worse, everyone has things they're upset about, I have a lot to be thankful for, God has richly blessed me, dating & marriage probably just creates more problems, but I hate this. I want to date!

 

[Juan777]

I'm trying to remind myself it could be a lot worse, everyone has things they're upset about, I have a lot to be thankful for, God has richly blessed me, dating & marriage probably just creates more problems, but I hate this. I want to date!

For someone who says their situation is voluntary that is contradictory. You do not hear the likes of @RileyG talking like that (who claims his celibacy is voluntary). If you want to make an argument you need to stop making those types of posts. You need to thank those who have offered to pray, quit the porn and fapping, then leave it alone or you will sound like an incel if you keep that up.

 

[DragonFox91]

i am sad

 

[Juan777]

i am sad

But they don't seem that way..

Sing and clap along with them!

 

[Juan777]

Eavesdrop on this lovely word of the Lord - The Lord is protecting you because you have a high calling:

If you feel down again, also play this lovely word. We do need to hear from God and what His plan is for our lives and know that He is in control.

Play from 5:00 to hear this word on this video.

 

[DragonFox91]

Dating / marriage would be too overwhelming for me.

 

[Juan777]

Dating / marriage would be too overwhelming for me.

With the wrong woman, everything is overwhelming. It is better to be incel (ie the Christian definition of it as meaning not even talking to or having a friendship with the opposite sex) then to be matched up with a wrong women from the devil who will be a snare to you and drag you both down to hell. With the right woman where there is a divine connection and God matched you up, believe me, it won't be overwhelming.