29 & Never Dated

[Juan777]

I browsed through this thread and read some of the advice that has been shared. I think that you are being too hard on yourself and feeling shame about your lack of experiences. The shame can be crippling. There is really no reason to feel embarrassed. I think the shame is holding you back. You are not a " loser," because of your relationship status.

As a Christian woman, I have never cared about a guy's lack of dating experience. If he is secure in himself and doesn't make it an issue, it isn't an issue for me. I would be far more concerned about a guy who was sleeping around with women to validate his manhood ( as was pretty much suggested by one in this thread). The worst thing you can ever do as a Christian man ( or woman ) is to give yourself to immorality to impress others. What have you gained then? Even if you should impress a few foolish women, you could end up throwing away your own soul.
Not to mention that the quality of those relationships ( with those who are impressed by immorality ) will be very poor.

Instead of allowing your mind to dwell on negative, hopeless thoughts that are not based in truth, I would seek God for help and wisdom in this area. Also, I would try to take practical steps to work on communication skills, etc and give yourself a plan for putting yourself out there

The brother Christian incels on here are not concerned about sleeping around with women to validate manhood. We are concerned that we are not talking to any single women in the first place or there are no healthy social interactions period. For example, my only contact with a real live woman is my mother. Nobody else. It's the lack of social interaction, period, that makes one feel like a loser or just sick.

No Christian incel on here is interested in giving themselves to immorality because that requires a woman to like them in the first place. However, with the prevelence of the internet, and the temptations that come with having access to the internet, specially in a vacuum of not interacting with any women, temptions for the brother Christian incel lie in secret sins and vices that can rare its ugly head. That's why it's very important to bring these types of secret sins to the forefront of this discussions. Apart from this, the Christian incel might think about visiting a prostitute (ie as they don't have to like you and are just taking your money) as a passing thought, but that has been discussed also in this thread as a VERY BAD IDEA, so all bases have been covered.

 

[Juan777]

I wasn't born into a Christian household - in fact, I didn't even consider Christianity until I was 23. So my life, from high school age until the time I decided to become Christian, was pretty standard. Girlfriends, wild nights that lasted until eight or nine in the morning, cheap thrills, cheaper food, names I can't remember, phone numbers given to me that got left on the seat of the nightbus, you name it. So I have the advantage of KNOWING what I'm missing... And the luxury of not having to wonder.

This is why I continuously preach the same message. Dig deep, look at yourself in the mirror and get in the game. Because at the end of the day, sex is overrated (no, really,it is), inappropriate content is nothing but labour intensive misery for the actors involved AND the crew a lot of the time, and at the risk of sounding pseudo-inspirational, the best relationship we can have is the relationship we have with ourselves WHEN we're steamrolling our passions and making a genuine contribution to the world.

To be honest, the fact I'm single has nothing to do with being Christian. I enjoy staying at The Ritz, I love being able to travel anywhere in the world at the drop of a hat, and knowing that I'm smashing it with my career and hobbies is a feeling of satiety and fulfilment like NO other.

God delivers because I listen to my heart, not my other organs. It's perhaps a throwaway piece of advice, but you might actually be wasting the best years of your life worrying about something that actually isn't as good as you think it is.

That's great, you are definitely not a Christian incel then. I'm like half-way between you and the OP. I may not have as much validating experience like you did other than my ex-wife, the marriage/divorce thing has definitely cast a shadow with me that sex is overrated, especially if you are at an age that your equipment doesn't properly work without herbals.

If you don't get married in your 20s when you are at your prime and don't have ED-issues, then it gets worst. That is why the OP is right to be freaking out about this because he doesn't want to end up with an ED nightmare in his mid to late 30s and he's already 29? If I was married in my 20s I wouldn't have a tale of woe today to contribute to this thread.

 

[bèlla]

Few would readily accept a man who had relations with prostitutes. Most will back away. Momentary pleasure may cost you opportunities down the road. Choose wisely.

~bella

 

[Juan777]

Few would readily accept a man who had relations with prostitutes. Most will back away. Momentary pleasure may cost you opportunities down the road. Choose wisely.

~bella

Yet if you are a Christian incel, it sort of won't matter anyway since there may not be any opportunities down the road anyway, at least they won't see it as existing, or they are waiting too long even if God has the right person (ie if you meet someone at 70 years old, are they going to care about what you did that one time when you were 24 years old?). On the flip-side, you hear many ex-prostitutes who turn born-again Christian and have retired have no problem finding a Christian husband. If that doesn't show how uneven things are in the dating market, then I don't know what will?

For example, in my case I was divorced 8 years ago. Do you know how many woman that I've spoken to know this? Probably zero. How many would care to know? Probably nobody. When you don't talk with women then it really does not matter. Don't underestimate the power of being totally invisible and irrelevant. The reality is, if I really said I was divorced, nobody would believe it since they would have to picture that I got married in the first place. My whole look and demenaor does not look as one who had ever been married or been with any woman.

 

[linux.poet]

Yet if you are a Christian incel, it sort of won't matter anyway since there may not be any opportunities down the road anyway, at least they won't see it as existing, or they are waiting too long even if God has the right person (ie if you meet someone at 70 years old, are they going to care about what you did that one time when you were 24 years old?). On the flip-side, you hear many ex-prostitutes who turn born-again Christian and have retired have no problem finding a Christian husband. If that doesn't show how uneven things are in the dating market, then I don't know what will?

Dearest bella is financially affluent and has access to the population of sophisticated, financially affluent, Christian women who come from good households, and that is what is forming her perspective. It's unwise for her to assume that all women think that way, but that is her background: in her world, women have high standards that men must live up to. Financially affluent women will never sleep with a sullied man - that is beneath them.

By contrast, I come from the bottom rung of society. In my world, becoming a wife is viewed negatively, like you are a slave who is giving up what little chance of freedom you have. I was raised to think that avoiding marriage was the only way to financially advance myself, and to hate my desire for a husband. Down here, women sell out themselves/mortgage themselves for a man. It's a different world.

Anyway, I think you might find this video helpful, as it might give you some perspective on the identity that you seem to have adopted:

Description: A Harvard-educated psychiatrist breaks down the incel phenomenon by responding compassionately to a hard-working individual who has been treated badly by women.

 

[bèlla]

Dearest bella is financially affluent and has access to the population of sophisticated, financially affluent, Christian women who come from good households, and that is what is forming her perspective. It's unwise for her to assume that all women think that way, but that is her background: in her world, women have high standards that men must live up to. Financially affluent women will never sleep with a sullied man - that is beneath them.

My perspective is born from self-regard and respectability. Wealth isn’t a precursor for its acquisition. The indignity of its absence is enough.

I’m uncertain what compelled your words or why its necessary to disparage my character with flippant disregard.

I won’t engage with you any further and I’ve reported it.

~bella

 

[bèlla]

Yet if you are a Christian incel, it sort of won't matter anyway since there may not be any opportunities down the road anyway

Self-respect isn’t dependent on marital state or dating prowess. It’s the willingness to see your worth in spite of everything good or bad.

Labels impart psychological impressions. God didn’t call you an incel. He said you’re fearfully and wonderfully made. Who’s right?

On the flip-side, you hear many ex-prostitutes who turn born-again Christian and have retired have no problem finding a Christian husband. If that doesn't show how uneven things are in the dating market, then I don't know what will?

I know someone dealing with the same. When he discovered her past he was furious and hurt. And it didn’t come out well. They’re not together.

He has his own challenges: middle aged, limited resources, a health issue, and parental responsibilities (caretaker for older ones). You’re taking on a lot with him too. Nevertheless he was mad.

It came out during a recent discussion on could you marry such and such. He acknowledged it would take a lot of grace, time and prayer to do so. But he thinks he could with God’s help. He’s seen the underbelly and was my prayer partner for a time when I labored for another (an admitted libertine).

I don’t expect my partner to be unscathed. I understand the trappings of the world and its temptations. While I’ve met my share of dashing men. I’m not enthralled to the point where I set aside my moral compass or fail to give credit where its due.

While I’ve never dated a virgin (no one has admitted such) I don’t want a man who’s done it all. There are things I don’t want to hear. Activities that grieve my spirit. Pills I’m unable to swallow. And I’m not ashamed of that. Not ashamed of desiring a man who lived decently in the midst of the muck.

Maybe I’m a minority. I don’t know. But this I know for certain.

It is possible to love someone and not respect them.
It is possible to respect someone and not regard them.
But its impossible to admire someone without regard.

I will not marry without all three. When regard goes that’s when things fall apart. That’s when you start speaking your mind unkindly, replaying offenses, and justifying your behavior.

It’s a little word but its powerful. When you have that for one another there’s nothing you can’t overcome. You can be angry, disappointed or hurt but there’s a line you will not cross. Your esteem prevents it.

~bella

 

[Juan777]

All very interesting replies. @DragonFox91 how are things going on your end? Have you found the information on here helpful?

@bèlla in answer to your question, being fearfully and wonderfully made does not mean women universally see you as attractive to them. I think your body being the temple of God has more persuation than what a potential women might think of x,y,z. Obviously nobody wants to end up in any sort of trouble, especially with God. I dont want to end up in hell in a lamborgini or pinto! We all have to be careful not to take the grace of God for granted.

 

[bèlla]

@bèlla in answer to your question, being fearfully and wonderfully made does not mean women universally see you as attractive to them. I think your body being the temple of God has more persuation than what a potential women might think of x,y,z. Obviously nobody wants to end up in any sort of trouble, especially with God. I dont want to end up in hell in a lamborgini or pinto! We all have to be careful not to take the grace of God for granted.

All that I am. Everything I might become. Every morsel of my being I devote to my daughter. She made me what I am. I am nothing without her.

Love made me whole.

~bella

 

[Juan777]

All that I am. Everything I might become. Every morsel of my being I devote to my daughter. She made me what I am. I am nothing without her.

Love made me whole.

~bella

You have a daughter? No wonder I felt devestated with my ex-wife since a step-daughter was involved and she was also ripped out of my life as well. She claimed her daughter prayed me into her life before we got married. It just goes to show, if you are thrust into a situation, with limited or no resources and end up with a ready-made family and they are expecting you to provide and provide a better home then where you are living at before meeting them, then it's a nuclear bomb about to go off.

 

[bèlla]

You have a daughter? No wonder I felt devestated with my ex-wife since a step-daughter was involved and she was also ripped out of my life as well. She claimed her daughter prayed me into her life before we got married. It just goes to show, if you are thrust into a situation, with limited or no resources and end up with a ready-made family and they are expecting you to provide and provide a better home then where you are living at before meeting them, then it's a nuclear bomb about to go off.

When they placed her in my arms I bowed. I won’t explain the reasons save I understood my role.

In respect to the rest, I try to keep an open mind. My daughter has the benefit of a custom built home, the obliteration of debt, and a forthcoming property that pays for itself. While I had a daughter you’d be hard pressed to find another with a legacy in tow. She will never have a mortgage or the trappings of encumbrance.

Can you say the same?

PS.I don’t expect you to.

~bella

 

[Juan777]

When they placed her in my arms I bowed. I won’t explain the reasons save I understood my role.

In respect to the rest, I try to keep an open mind. My daughter has the benefit of a custom built home, the obliteration of debt, and a forthcoming property that pays for itself. While I had a daughter you’d be hard pressed to find another with a legacy in tow. She will never have a mortgage or the trappings of encumbrance.

Can you say the same?

~bella

I don't know, maybe we should ask @linux.poet what she thinks? It's not my intention to hog the discussion here, lol!

 

[DragonFox91]

I love that song!

All very interesting replies. @DragonFox91 how are things going on your end? Have you found the information on here helpful?

I've only just glanced over replies last few days briefly. Mondays are our busy days here @ work so I'll read in depth as I get caught up & share deeper thoughts then. I hate to say it but the reality is, posts can only go so far in actually being helpful. I'm happy people care about my situation.
I'm doing good today overall. The bad days w/ this come & go.

 

[bèlla]

@Juan777

I don't know, maybe we should ask @linux.poet what she thinks? It's not my intention to hog the discussion here, lol!

You needn't apologize. I appreciate your courtesy.

My daughter was reared with the expectation of support, submission, and excellence. We don’t breed feminists or support ideologies that support its furtherance. We love our men.

~bella

 

[Joy]

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