I was part of a generation of Christian men that was told not to do that, but was also told to pursue at the same time, with no practical advice except for "stop looking".
I think many were told the same. Christian and otherwise. There was a time when I allowed it. I didn't know any better. But having a large group of friends drove the problem home. We were all confused. We spent hours trying to figure them out. What does he mean? What is this about? And so on.
Half the time you're guessing and mistakes follow. I reached my breaking point. I saw where it was heading. That's how you end up jaded and bitter. The song I posted recently by Alanis references that period. We can't all be dumb. We can't be in the dark. Something has to give. And that something was me.
I encountered someone who required me to spit it out. He refused to dance or accept innuendo. I had to tell him what I wanted. And I was nervous. But the experience was liberating. I began doing the same. In the beginning men were shocked. I asked the question and they started wiggling.
Eventually I reached the point where I knew my guy. I could spot him in a room or on a forum. I made it my business to know him. I no longer encountered suitors who were afraid to do the same. We were a lot alike. Transparency became a selling point. There were no more guessing games.
If someone's extraverted enough, then enough of that can leak out so a relationship can eventually be established, but there was no encouragement or practical training to similarly bring introverts like me to the middle. And even if there was, that's outside of what I was really getting at, which was, if you tell a female friend or acquaintance you're interested, or show interest in her, she instinctively becomes less interested.
I sensed from the comments here there wasn't a lot of preparation. As a parent, that's unrealistic. You can't expect a child to be relationship savvy. You have to prepare and educate them about the opposite sex while encouraging self-discovery. The better he knows himself the easier it will be to find his complement. He won't be swayed by qualities that are important, but less important than the bigger things he should focus on.
What follows is an over spiritualization of the process. They've taken head knowledge and exalted it to facts. There's no application of the standard. Whereby they can say what the Lord desires of them and how they're applying it in their search and interactions with the opposite sex.
If you've ever heard anyone talk about what they'll do as a parent and watched them become a parent you know what mean. The reality is light years away from what they said. Now they're living it. Until you live it you don't know how you'll respond.
You have to develop that mindset. The way you do is through example and instruction. You share your experiences and work through the lessons. You use real life examples to drive home the principles. You sit and watch a movie and have them explain the character's mistakes. What should they have done differently? How would it have turned out if they had? What did they miss?
Then you tie it back to the word. You've reinforced the directive and provided an opportunity for them to grasp the consequences of its presence and absence. With constancy they'll develop a balanced mindset and become wise.
Once you've clarified what's best you go outside and point it out. You pinpoint what's acceptable and unacceptable. They learn to look cautiously, listen carefully, and read body language. Visual reminders solidify the point. I did it in conjunction with a familial standard. This is how a gentleman looks, behaves, etc. so there's no confusion.
You don't wait until they're teens or adolescents. You get them when they're fresh. By doing so you minimize wrong connections and influences. The foundation is laid before adolescence. You add more over the years according to their maturity and experiences. I used a value theme. Every year we focused on one topic. By the time they reach adulthood they have a lot of teaching.
They don't have to be extroverted or outgoing. Knowledge and understanding will give them confidence. They'll have a readiness their peers lack. Fear and rejection won't have a death grip. They know what they're looking for.
The issue with that advice is I need reasons to be confident, and that's not a reason, that's a need. Reasons would be that I have this trait that is attractive, or this trait that will make someone want to be closer to me rather than distance themselves. It's as much of a faith in humanity thing as it is liking myself. I seem to be mismatched - God might not have made junk, but people don't value what he did well in me enough to give me the social regard that attractive guys get for free.
There's two sides to that comment: What society esteems and its impact on the mating process. You have to let them know what they're up against. You teach him how to play offense against his deficiencies. How can we counter this? Everyone has good and bad points.
Then we discuss what the opposite sex is seeking. What they acknowledge openly and the hidden things they won't admit. How many do you have? Let's count. You want him to understand his position consciously so he knows how they see him and it's not a surprise.
Finally, you address the myths. You mentioned attractiveness. But what do statistics tell us? Most people mate along similar lines of attractiveness. Yes, there can be differences at times. But it isn't the norm.
You have to tackle money too. How it affects their appeal to the opposite sex and the problems it brings. What are the myths in that area? You talk about the Cinderella effect, Pretty Woman fantasy, and power couples. When you start looking at data you get a different picture. Money often chooses its own and that's who they marry. They'll play with the others.
Some still do, but I have to find them, and they also have to find me attractive, and they should have good enough heads on their shoulders to reject liberal ideas that encourage women to be the opposite way. Simply being sheltered isn't enough. Her mind needs to be resistant to the mind virus that is the rejection of these good traits.
There are more Christian men desiring women with 'submissive qualities' than available. Most marriages are egalitarian. I studied 1 Peter in a conservative evangelical church and when we hit chapter 3 you could hear a pin drop. I was the only one clapping. That's my shtick but they were frowning.
Submissive women are born not made. Women with that disposition aren't swayed by ideologies that oppose their core. That's her default. Whether she's in Christ or not. Women like that are rare. A woman can develop a surrendered spirit that enables her to yield. But it's a long process. She has to purge the debris and replace it with good fruit. There's always a possibility of contamination. She agreed within. There's a necessity for vigilance to prevent a slide. Being in the company of people like her former self can be harmful. Whereas the other can ignore them.
There's someone like that on the board. She could hear the craziest things and it would roll right off of her. As if she never heard it. Because her innards are yielded. Girls like that you marry. I don't care how she looks. You've eliminated most of your arguments. She has an innate desire to follow you. You make it work.
That sounds wonderful. If that happens to me, I hope I don't blow it by showing too much appreciation at once. If you do that, women see you as needy and that is the beginning of the end.
Be your wonderful self. If God made you appreciative and kindhearted walk in it. You don't diminish your beauty for anyone. If they can't handle it that's their problem. But you keep shining.
Out of a wife? Respect, peace, sex, honesty, honor, faithfulness, someone who can do things I can't get around to because I'm only one person, someone who can take me to/from the doctor if I become incapacitated (I have an upcoming procedure), someone who will be a good aunt to my nephews and niece, someone who will be a good mother to any children we might have (and it frustrates me that I am still apprehensive at the thought of having kids since having a confident answer to that question is needed), and someone who can endure me and stay with me when I'm at my worst. I do what I can to avoid getting there, but she has to be willing and able to weather my inevitable failures.
You're not asking for the impossible. You're asking for a helpmeet. Don't settle for less.
That's more than just masculinity, the guys there were all masculine, a couple were former athletes, another grew up farming. What I think you're getting at is the alpha male stereotype, which is a minority of men, I've heard between the top 5% or 20%, I'm not exactly sure what it is.
I don't use that term. It's a combination of personality traits and behavior. I believe it's imperative that everyone likes themselves. To possess a true regard for their being. You may not like where you're at or what you're going through. But that doesn't diminish your worth or lovability.
But if that's all that most women really want, there's a serious imbalance. And if you're not one of those guys, if the girl you're with is settling, then how safe and solid is that relationship, really?
A lot of this is ego driven. They're compensating for insecurities, failures, and keeping up with the Joneses through their selections. The question everyone must answer is why this person needs a man or woman like me. What's going on in their life that justifies the bond? Why am I the best fit?
When you start asking the question you realize people are reaching for things they have no use for. They like the idea of having it. That's why I focus on what people are doing rather than what they want to do some day. If the desire is genuine you'll see evidence of its performance. Even if they can't afford it.
If you want home cooked meals get someone who's passionate about cooking now. Not the one living on takeout. She hasn't trained herself to do it. In like fashion, I value leadership greatly. The man who feels the same will work towards becoming an exceptional leader. Not when we're married. He's busy right now. Because it matters to him.