29 & Never Dated

[bèlla]

I also know what it is to be attracted to women outside "my type". That was included when I said not knockouts, just attractive.

Thanks for clarifying.

If they're all saying the same thing about the dating market, there's probably something to it. Same with the likelihood of divorce, they look at studies for both.

You're all echoing the same in your own way. Something's broken. You'd think it would be better in Christian circles but it appears that's not the case. I'm surprised.

Men who choose to ignore these points do so at their peril, but the right reaction isn't to "hit it and quit it" or to live with hate in your heart, or to say that when men cheat it's not cheating.

You're right. You can be aware without becoming a creep or libertine. They've gone to the other extreme and that isn't a solution.

Not sure what you mean by that, but if it has to do with dating women I don't find attractive, I was actually pressured into that once, and that will never happen again. I had to apologise to her for the way I treated her. (I was "morally" pressured into the situation, for those keeping track.)

I would never advise that. In your opinion, what's going on with Christian women in relation to dating?

 

[bèlla]

Thats great. Sadly, there are not many women like you. So, statistically, most of us will meet the worse ones, only.

Are you saying the good ones are gone?

 

[trophy33]

Are you saying the good ones are gone?

The good ones are such a tiny minority that statisticaly most men can not get them.

Therefore, they have a choice either to live with a bad woman if they are desperate (if it can even last long enough to be called "living") or to stay bachelors.

 

[bèlla]

I'm 21 and I've never been in a relationship with a girl too, and you know what's the reason? My appearance. women today want handsome, rich, tall, even if they are ugly or average themselves, that says a lot about modern women.

That's terrible and they're deluded. There's not enough rich and handsome men to go around. Oftentimes they marry someone with means. She may not have as much as he does. But he knows she's not after his money.

I have no chance of a relationship because women are princesses who need the best men, and I am a trash in society.

You're not trash. Nor should a Christian woman make you feel that way. Not if she's really His.

 

[bèlla]

The good ones are such a tiny minority that statisticaly most men can not get them.

I believe you. I'm not in the loop in the manner I was in the past. I'm not mentoring anymore. All my friends are married. I don't see and hear the things I used to. It sounds like its worse.

 

[DragonFox91]

Need to echo from previous discussions how many traditional's marry young. It seems if you don't marry in your 20s, the odds become you don't if you're traditional once you're past that age range.

 

[bèlla]

Need to echo from previous discussions how many traditional's marry young. It seems if you don't marry in your 20s, the odds become you don't if you're traditional once you're past that age range.

Do you think that holds true for men and women equally?

 

[DragonFox91]

Do you think that holds true for men and women equally?

I would say it's equal since you need a man & a woman.

Unless a chunk of traditional women are going for non-traditional men or chunk of traditional men are going for non-traditional women.

 

[bèlla]

I would say it's equal since you need a man & a woman.

Unless a chunk of traditional women are going for non-traditional men or chunk of traditional men are going for non-traditional women.

How do you define traditional for the pair? Just so we're speaking the same language. What's a traditional woman in your opinion?

 

[DragonFox91]

How do you define traditional for the pair? Just so we're speaking the same language. What's a traditional woman in your opinion?

church going
family-oriented

 

[bèlla]

church going
family-oriented

Here you go.

You may be encouraged by listening to women who live that way. They’re likely to draw an audience desiring the same. Comments can be enlightening.

If you want to connect with traditional women go where they are.

 

[VanillaLion]

I am single and celibate right now and I am happy Better to be single than to be with the wrong person. Don't let being single bring you down too much.

 

[VanillaLion]

One thing that helps me be happy being single is talking to friends =]

 

[VanillaLion]

Being single is not the worst thing =] But pray to God for a wife and He will make it happen

 

[VanillaLion]

 

[Sketcher]

You're all echoing the same in your own way. Something's broken. You'd think it would be better in Christian circles but it appears that's not the case. I'm surprised.

In your opinion, what's going on with Christian women in relation to dating?

Well, since Christian women are imperfect human beings, you have the sanctified attitudes and character mixed in with the unsanctified, and what you get is variable. The starting material varies, and how much the Holy Spirit has changed will vary. Some are better than others, even though they're all saved. You've probably had to deal with this in men, Christian men get to deal with this in women.

So, there are going to be some common threads between Christian and non-Christian women, but there's another layer to Christian women which may or may not be present, which is spiritualizing her choices.

So, take what women like and are attracted to - and I realize there is variance, you have your types of guys that you like, but bear with me - and add 100%, consistent Christ-like character on top of that, and that is what Christian women will say they expect. If you take her at her word, you've got multiple deal breakers simply because being the best human you can be is not enough. So she's going to have to settle - but when she settles, what kinds of guys does she settle for? Christian women that I have been into have not settled for me. Sometimes it's guys in the church, sometimes it's guys outside the church, but my problem is it's not me.

With Christians, much is done in community. In that community, if there are attractive women, there will be multiple male "orbiters" each. They want to get to know her better or get a chance to make a move and ask her out. When I was in college, "friends first" was generally the acceptable way for couples to get together among Christians, so that really exacerbated the condition. If a reasonably attractive woman throws a party in a mixed group, there will often be quite a few guys there. If she's not the most social of women and does it anyway, the women at the party can easily be outnumbered. If she picks anyone, she'll pick her favorite. This is lived experience.

On multiple occasions, Christian women have said to each other that there's no one in the area to date in my presence. I hope they like cats.

Then, there's what many (I won't say every) unmarried women on CF have posted about dating, relationships, what they say they want in men, and how they live. You've had a taste, I've had a bigger taste since I've been here longer. In this context, I have found that when I am asked to share what I honestly want in a woman, I get attacked for it so I have learned to craft my answers if I answer. I don't wish to break any rules or call anyone out, so I'd rather not get too specific. It's less than impressive. I realize this is a subset of Christian women, but I'm not going to have access to these kinds of conversations with the women at church.

 

[bèlla]

Some are better than others, even though they're all saved. You've probably had to deal with this in men, Christian men get to deal with this in women.

I appreciate your candidness and hope you'll continue to share. This was very insightful.

I don't understand Christian men. In my mind they complicate something that's relatively simple. But in reality I'm the oddball. I entered the fray at a later time and brought a mindset and experience that rarely mirrors others. What I perceive as easy isn't easy for most. I was operating in a very narrow sector of men and women who never struggled in this area. Understandably, my assumptions are colored by that climate.

But conversations like this enlighten me. I haven't been exposed to this. Hearing someone never had a date is shocking. Because I never heard it. No one lamented singleness. When they wanted to date they did. This is totally new.

So, take what women like and are attracted to - and I realize there is variance, you have your types of guys that you like, but bear with me - and add 100%, consistent Christ-like character on top of that, and that is what Christian women will say they expect.

That's impossible. I feel your pain. I'm not looking for Jesus. That's unrealistic. But I'm equally problematic because of the kind of men I dated. You don't find them sitting in the pew very often. The gravity of difference made me reluctant to marry.

If you take her at her word, you've got multiple deal breakers simply because being the best human you can be is not enough. So she's going to have to settle - but when she settles, what kinds of guys does she settle for? Christian women that I have been into have not settled for me. Sometimes it's guys in the church, sometimes it's guys outside the church, but my problem is it's not me.

Yeah I get that. You seem like an upstanding guy. You're levelheaded and sensible. That isn't common. I read the board. That's a compliment.

I understand what many are looking for. But she isn't the norm. I used to be surrounded by women like that. Nice, kind, surrendered, respectful, supportive, and not a feminist. You're looking for the Christian version. But they aren't plentiful.

If she's not the most social of women and does it anyway, the women at the party can easily be outnumbered. If she picks anyone, she'll pick her favorite. This is lived experience.

That's why I discourage men from hitting on me. I know what I'm going to do. There's no reason to hurt feelings or trample hearts.

On multiple occasions, Christian women have said to each other that there's no one in the area to date in my presence. I hope they like cats.

Wow, that's cold.

I have found that when I am asked to share what I honestly want in a woman, I get attacked for it so I have learned to craft my answers if I answer.

You can always share with me. I want to hear your voice and perspective. I'm not looking for a parrot. I want to understand what you're going through. Feel free to share. This is a zero flame space.

~bella

 

[Sketcher]

I don't understand Christian men. In my mind they complicate something that's relatively simple. But in reality I'm the oddball. I entered the fray at a later time and brought a mindset and experience that rarely mirrors others. What I perceive as easy isn't easy for most. I was operating in a very narrow sector of men and women who never struggled in this area. Understandably, my assumptions are colored by that climate.

I would say that socially at least, I am an oddball among Christian men because I have always had social issues, since before I became a Christian. When I have treated interactions too simply, I have paid a price for it, and when male-female interactions are treated too simply, I have been burned every time. If it were simple, women would say what they mean, and mean what they say, and I could do the same thing and that wouldn't cause them to lose interest.

But conversations like this enlighten me. I haven't been exposed to this. Hearing someone never had a date is shocking. Because I never heard it. No one lamented singleness. When they wanted to date they did. This is totally new.

Been on dates before. Coming up on 15 years since the last one. Never had a relationship, ever. Yes, I am an oddball.

Yeah I get that. You seem like an upstanding guy. You're levelheaded and sensible. That isn't common. I read the board. That's a compliment.

Thank you.

I understand what many are looking for. But she isn't the norm. I used to be surrounded by women like that. Nice, kind, surrendered, respectful, supportive, and not a feminist. You're looking for the Christian version. But they aren't plentiful.

Which is a problem for me. My mom is like that, she stayed with my dad, women who are less than that would have left him. I'm just like my dad in a lot of ways, so if I don't want to get divorced, I'll need to find a woman with those qualities so she will stay with me.

If women want to say the world has changed - OK, but you're not going to get love, commitment, or resources from me. I'm not going to settle for someone whom I believe is going to leave me or disrespect me or downgrade my life. I'm an introvert, working from home by myself this last year has been pretty good. Trading my solitude and my personal space and making myself vulnerable is a big ask, and if she's not going to provide what I want in return, it's a bad deal that I'm not going to take.

That's why I discourage men from hitting on me. I know what I'm going to do. There's no reason to hurt feelings or trample hearts.

Yeah, they're not all that savvy. And I honestly think some of them do it to show off how well they can cook and get the house all nice and entertain, as a way of putting themselves out there. Smart, I don't fault them for it at all.

Wow, that's cold.

Multiple times this happened with multiple women. One of those times, I was incredulous but said nothing - not only was I right there, but there were about 5 other guys right there, and I think most if not all of them were single. I'm willing to be counted as the least attractive man there, but none of those guys were good enough either? And the women in that case were not anywhere close to being models. Good enough to get somebody she'd be interested in, sure - but very average.

You can always share with me. I want to hear your voice and perspective. I'm not looking for a parrot. I want to understand what you're going through. Feel free to share. This is a zero flame space.

Threads get locked when those kinds of things are discussed now. Not saying you would get triggered, but others will.

 

[trophy33]

I am single and celibate right now and I am happy Better to be single than to be with the wrong person. Don't let being single bring you down too much.

Are you male or female?

Most men cope with being single quite fine, after 35, because their hormones get stabilized and they built some career, friendships etc. They buy a dog, do sports, read books, find some community and are quite happy. Many even openly prefer a single life.

But its worse for women, many of them "hit the wall" after 35, when their maternal instincts get crazy and they want children, but its too late for them to find a stable relationship. And career, sports and just (mostly married) friends do not make them happy anymore. They would prefer to have a family, if they could.

Summary: while men want woman/family less and less as they age, its the opposite with women, they want family, children etc. more and more as they age.

Talking generally about common population, there are of course various exceptions.

 

[VCR-2000]

I'm 21 and I've never been in a relationship with a girl too, and you know what's the reason? My appearance. women today want handsome, rich, tall, even if they are ugly or average themselves, that says a lot about modern women. I have no chance of a relationship because women are princesses who need the best men, and I am a trash in society. This world has fallen a lot, the corruption is huge, I really want to see it when God's wrath is poured out on this hideous world. Be strong in Jesus, Brother, and give up women if you're not super handsome and rich.

And the church isn't even addressing this, yet they are still lecturing that men have impure thoughts. Hypocritical.