Is it wrong to refuse sex with someone you are married to?

[Larry Mondello]

Originally Posted by groups postings

Now, it's clearly the refused's responsibility if he/she goes out and has a sexual affair.
​

Yes, it's clearly the "refused's" responsibility if he/she has an affair, jumping straight into sleeping around behind his/her partner's back without trying to figure out what's going on with his/her spouse that is making them uninterested to be intimate and maybe trying something like, I don't know, talking to them or maybe counselling and satisfying their urges by themselves (yes, I know, "masturbation is bad" etcetera but really in this situation I think it's a little worse to be playing around with someone's heart by cheating on them than just spending five or so minutes dealing with themselves and not hurting anyone).

OF COURSE I've talked with her, asked her what's wrong, if she's feeling guilty bec. of our premarital sex, etc., as she recently expressed.

Originally Posted by groups postings

But as the male and female authors of one of the Christian marriage books stated, the refuser has some responsibility for being a frigid wife and "forcing" the other to find sexual satisfaction elsewhere.
​

Are you actually serious right now. I hope you stuck that in there because it's so ridiculous and not because you think of it to be correct.

Wasn't justifying someone committing adultery, but was merely saying a spouse who plays it cold and keeps their spouse at a far distance in the sexual arena isn't very smart. Said "some" responsibility.
If a wife only "allows" her husband the "privilege" of enjoying her body maybe 2X a year -- if that -- can mess-up a husband.
Actions have consequences.

The Christian authors I quoted, Dennis and Barbara Rainey, explain what a refusing spouse, particularly a frigid wife, can do to her husband by being stingy and miserly in bed.

Rekindling the Romance
By: Dennis Rainey, Barbara Rainey, Bob DeMoss
Thomas Nelson / 2005 / Paperback
http://www.christianbook.com/rekindling-the-romance-dennis-rainey/9780785285564/pd/85563/1300230345?event=111604SBF|31158|82680

The "refuser" has EVERY right to turn their husband (or wife, I'm sure some men have refused sex before) away if they don't want to have sex with them at that moment. Sometimes it's a result of some sort of an event that's making them unhappy or stressed so their not in the mood, maybe they have a lot to do so they're too tired or maybe it's a result of some mental dilemma and they just don't WANT to. No one is "forcing" their partner to find sexual satisfaction elsewhere, their partner is CHOOSING to find it elsewhere instead of dealing with it in another way.

Lemmee guess here, you've never been married, right?

A spouse's body doesn't belong only to that spouse. Sex is one reason people marry.
A spouse CONSTANTLY and CONSISTENTLY refusing to make themselves sexually available to the other is playing a deadly game, and causing unnecessary friction and hostility in a marriage, which the refused spouse also shares.

Originally Posted by groups postings

He also thinks "something's wrong" with him and feels like he's "less of a man" as making love with his wife, to the man, is a way of bonding with her and reaffirming his manhood and goes a long ways in building intimacy.
​

Again here. Maybe instead of just assuming something's wrong with him he should ask his wife what's up? It's called communication. Relationships are based on it.

Duh. Men DO ask their wives what's up.
But the refusers often don't want to talk about it and they recoil and withdraw.
He fears something's wrong but she won't tell him. He's tried to dig into the problem (many times) but he can't read her mind.

She rejects each and every one of his advances.
That's not good for a marriage.

This hypothetical man you're talking about here doesn't seem like someone I'd want to be around.

That hypothetical man is ME.
Men DO stake a lot of their emotions in the actions of their wives, as those authors state.


Am so mad about this situation.
I just wanna to make love with her once in a while and on a "regular" schedule, like weekends.

I read online about the great sex other married Christians enjoy, an area deemed "off limits" to me.

Just like when I was single through most of my 20s, particularly 19-25, when "Good Christian women" didn't know I existed, though I was a decent-looking "regular guy" who clearly had their best interests in mind, one who respected their Christian morality and wanted a long-term relationship leading to marriage.
Acted like a "gentleman" toward them and didn't press them for sex like the other jerks.
But look what it got me.

Those "Good Christian women," the ones who wouldn't give me a chance -- and women in general -- seemed remote and unattainable to me as well.
Just like something else is "off-limits" to me today...

 

[GNJ]

...but was merely saying a spouse who plays it cold and keeps their spouse at a far distance in the sexual arena isn't very smart

isn't very smart

Please stop.

If a wife only "allows" her husband the "privilege" of enjoying her body maybe 2X a year -- if that -- can mess-up a husband.

Two times a year? Really?

That's uh, wow. Okay I'll admit that's a little extreme.

A spouse CONSTANTLY and CONSISTENTLY refusing to make themselves sexually available to the other is playing a deadly game, and causing unnecessary friction and hostility in a marriage, which the refused spouse also shares.

Is it really unnecessary?

(EDIT: as in, of course the fricition and hostility is an unwanted result, that's not what I meant)

I mean, if you say you've spoken to your wife and she hasn't told you if anything's wrong... well, that doesn't mean there isn't anything wrong. If they recoil and withdraw you KEEP PRESSING. You should really show them that you want them to open up and that you're concerned and perhaps look into relationship counselling if it's not going anywhere and really creating such a space between you.

No woman (or man) denies their spouse sex for such a long time just on the basis of "nah", something is always up.

The Christian authors I quoted, Dennis and Barbara Rainey, explain what a refusing spouse, particularly a frigid wife, can do to her husband by being stingy and miserly in bed.

Yeah, just because they're Christian authors doesn't mean they're worth taking advice from. The vibe I got from that one snippet was "if you're a 'frigid wife' you should stop complaining and just lie down and take it." Which, you know, is a pretty messed up way to deal with it.

 

[lunalotte1188]

This article answers the question well:

How often should a married couple have sex?

 

[apache1]

I'd like to ask this question as an addendum to this thread..... What do you think about oral and/or anal sex, within marriage, of course? Spanking and other fetishes? (entirely within concept of marriage, Christian or non-Christian). And yes, I'm being serious, not either sarcastic or dirty minded on this.

 

[I Eat Pie]

Maybe when the husband comes home, he's tired from work, or his wife is tired from taking caring of the house/kids and doing all that, so it's normal that at least one spouse would be tired sometimes.

 

[cow451]

This article answers the question well:

How often should a married couple have sex?

From the link:

Sex should not be withheld or demanded. If one spouse does not want to have sex, the other spouse should agree to abstain. If one spouse wants to have sex, the other spouse should agree.

IOW, the writer is a moron. If you want to have sex, your spouse should consent. If your spouse doesn't want to have sex, he/she should not consent.

 

[apache1]

Please stop.



Two times a year? Really?

That's uh, wow. Okay I'll admit that's a little extreme.



Is it really unnecessary?

(EDIT: as in, of course the fricition and hostility is an unwanted result, that's not what I meant
I mean, if you say you've spoken to your wife and she hasn't told you if anything's wrong... well, that doesn't mean there isn't anything wrong. If they recoil and withdraw you KEEP PRESSING. You should really show them that you want them to open up and that you're concerned and perhaps look into relationship counselling if it's not going anywhere and really creating such a space between you.

No woman (or man) denies their spouse sex for such a long time just on the basis of "nah", something is always up.



Yeah, just because they're Christian authors doesn't mean they're worth taking advice from. The vibe I got from that one snippet was "if you're a 'frigid wife' you should stop complaining and just lie down and take it." Which, you know, is a pretty messed up way to deal with it.

Yeah, I think I understand what you mean by just because a Christian author their advice not necessarily the best. Good example ... Once I read a Christian author's advice (one of those Focus on the Family types) saying that oral sex was not advisable, even within marriage. The reason - because it interfered with or "destroyed" communication between couples. My question: HOW?

 

[Illuminaughty]

To tired for sex has rarely ever happened to me before but I can see theoretically how it might happen in very rare instances. It's kind of something I will wake up for unless I'm half dead or something. Even then it might be a good way to bring me back to wakefulness lol.

 

[Darkhorse]

Once I read a Christian author's advice (one of those Focus on the Family types) saying that oral sex was not advisable, even within marriage. The reason - because it interfered with or "destroyed" communication between couples. My question: HOW?

Because they can't talk when their mouth is busy with something else...
(Sorry, I couldn't pass it up)

 

[quilbilly]

Im ambivalent about it for myself, for a lot of reasons. Maybe.[/QUOTE]

My favorite line of the day. Thanks

 

[wannabeadesigirl]

I think either spouse has the right to deny sex to the other, however discussion ought to follow any such decision. The other spouse deserves to know why you're not having sex.

 

[apache1]

Because they can't talk when their mouth is busy with something else...
(Sorry, I couldn't pass it up)

 

[muslimsoldier4life]

Wife: I don't wanna have sex tonight.
Man: Okay.

Day#23:
Wife: I don't wanna have sex tonight
Man: Again? I'm out of here.

Then the man proceeds to have an affair, because he's not getting any physical atteniton at home. Now for you feminists who get upset at men being upset that his wife isn'thave sex with him, get over yourself. I believe that denying sex in a marriage is wrong, period. That doesn't mean the man or woman is supposed to force themselves on their spouse, but denying sex just cause is not at all right. Then you have the audacity to get upset when the man goes out and either pays for a pro, or starts having an affair with someone.

This is why I didn't marry a woman from a Western country. You guys aren't progressive, but preach man-hating and that all men are dogs.

 

[HitchSlap]

This is why I didn't marry a woman from a Western country. You guys aren't progressive, but preach man-hating and that all men are dogs.

What good's woman if she's got a mind of her own, eh.

















//sarcasm//

 

[muslimsoldier4life]

What good's woman if she's got a mind of her own, eh.

Having a mind of your own, and being vindictive are two different things. Western women tend to be vindictive, and cry when they don't get their way with something. Cheating on your wife because she will not have sex with you is somehow the man's fault. If a woman goes out to have sex with another man because she's not satisfied at home, then it's justified. Give me a break.














//sarcasm//[/quote]

 

[Jade Margery]

I WAS gonna ignore this lil' zombie, but...

Wife: I don't wanna have sex tonight.
Man: Okay.

Day#23:
Wife: I don't wanna have sex tonight
Man: Again? I'm out of here.

Wow, three weeks? He must have been a real trooper not to bust out of there before that. How did the poor man endure?

Then the man proceeds to have an affair, because he's not getting any physical atteniton at home. Now for you feminists who get upset at men being upset that his wife isn'thave sex with him, get over yourself. I believe that denying sex in a marriage is wrong, period. That doesn't mean the man or woman is supposed to force themselves on their spouse, but denying sex just cause is not at all right. Then you have the audacity to get upset when the man goes out and either pays for a pro, or starts having an affair with someone.

Careful, I think that strawman is about to hit back! No, wait, false alarm. Continue the beating.

If you had paid much attention to the many previous posts in this (depressingly long) thread, you might have noticed that a) Women are often denied sex in marriage too, b) no 'feminists' have gotten 'upset' at a man being upset that his wife isn't having sex with him, although a few have called people out on their selfish or misogynistic comments, c) if being unable to match sexual appetites with your spouse is causing your needs to be neglected, a frank and honest discussion and possibly an amicable break-up are in order, not lying and sneaking around behind their back.

This is why I didn't marry a woman from a Western country. You guys aren't progressive, but preach man-hating and that all men are dogs.

Only the ones that act like it.

 

[HitchSlap]

Having a mind of your own, and being vindictive are two different things. Western women tend to be vindictive, and cry when they don't get their way with something. Cheating on your wife because she will not have sex with you is somehow the man's fault. If a woman goes out to have sex with another man because she's not satisfied at home, then it's justified. Give me a break.

[/QUOTE]

Yeah, I suppose it's much easier to control those pesky women with mind's of their own by beating them, making them wear a hijab, killing them when they have an affair, don't allow them to have jobs or any voice in government. Keep 'em barefoot and pregnant right?* wink wink

And you wonder why Westerners consider the majority of Islam's adherents as backwards, sand dwelling, camel riding, fourteenth century, patriarchal 'hill billies'?

I'll take a Western, confident, educated, sexy, assertive, and equal woman any day of the... oh, wait I did.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

I'll never be sure why people post topics in this section. It only feeds the trolls.

 

[HitchSlap]

I'll never be sure why people post topics in this section. It only feeds the trolls.

Pearls before swine, you know.

 

[dgiharris]

Its not about the sex, its about taking care of the needs of your partner.

Lets say the wife is having problems at work and is highly stressed. She comes home and needs to talk to her husband about it. Does the husband have a right to say no?

Sure, the husband has the "right" to say "no" but that would be a pretty horrible thing to do to his spouse, in effect, it's a hostile form of neglect that is tantamount to abuse.

Women withholding sex from their husbands is equivalent. Now I'm not saying its a wife's duty to be her husband's sex toy every time he wants sex, but it is her duty to fulfill his needs just as its his duty to fulfill her needs.

A sexless marriage would be akin to a slow death... If the woman is not into sex then she should be honest about it prior to the marriage...