Is it wrong to refuse sex with someone you are married to?

apache1

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Maybe we all need a little "spice" in our love lifes, within marriage of course if possible. Sex aids, a little spanking every once in a while, Tickle feathers, blindfolds, unconventional sex (oral/anal,etc.), flying trapeze (nahh, that one is a little too high risk for injury), even within Biblical parameters of sex only within marriage, I don't see a thing wrong with.
 
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I Eat Pie

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Maybe we all need a little "spice" in our love lifes, within marriage of course if possible. Sex aids, a little spanking every once in a while, Tickle feathers, blindfolds, unconventional sex (oral/anal,etc.), flying trapeze (nahh, that one is a little too high risk for injury), even within Biblical parameters of sex only within marriage, I don't see a thing wrong with.

Rofllllllllllll
 
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Bethesda

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Though I agree with your overall point, its of course also the case that for many Christians divorce ("If you are that dissatisfied in your relationship, do you AND your partner a favor and either suck it up, seek marriage counseling, or get out") is not an option except in the case of adultery - there's no grounds of biblical divorce due to refusal to allow physical intimacy
 
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motherprayer

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Though I agree with your overall point, its of course also the case that for many Christians divorce ("If you are that dissatisfied in your relationship, do you AND your partner a favor and either suck it up, seek marriage counseling, or get out") is not an option except in the case of adultery - there's no grounds of biblical divorce due to refusal to allow physical intimacy

I do agree with this also. I was agreeing, in a worldly sense. But I do believe Jesus when He said not to divorce except for the case of adultery. Personally (hoping I'm not opening a can o' worms) I believe any marriage can be saved if Christ is put first.
 
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Jade Margery

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Though I agree with your overall point, its of course also the case that for many Christians divorce ("If you are that dissatisfied in your relationship, do you AND your partner a favor and either suck it up, seek marriage counseling, or get out") is not an option except in the case of adultery - there's no grounds of biblical divorce due to refusal to allow physical intimacy

Alright, I'll allow that if you both belong to a religion that requires one or both of you to act dishonestly in order to get out of an arrangement neither of you wish to continue, then adultery may be your 'only' option.

However, if you are not willing to divorce because your god says no, you prolly also follow a god that says adultery is wrong, which would kind of go against Muslimsoldier's favored course of action.
 
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Bethesda

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Alright, I'll allow that if you both belong to a religion that requires one or both of you to act dishonestly in order to get out of an arrangement neither of you wish to continue, then adultery may be your 'only' option.

However, if you are not willing to divorce because your god says no, you prolly also follow a god that says adultery is wrong, which would kind of go against Muslimsoldier's favored course of action.

I'd agree with your latter point
 
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Larry Mondello

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Should have responded to this sooner.
One of your responses seemed unrealistic.

Originally Posted by Larry Mondello
...but was merely saying a spouse who plays it cold and keeps their spouse at a far distance in the sexual arena isn't very smart
Originally Posted by Larry Mondello
isn't very smart
Please stop.

Why?

Why stop?

What's your "problem" with me posting on this topic anyway?
Refusal is a big problem in Christian marriages and something that should be discouraged.
This kind of thing happens in marriage, UNILATERALLY ending physical affection.

Just because you don't like where this realistic posting is going...


Originally Posted by Larry Mondello
The Christian authors I quoted, Dennis and Barbara Rainey, explain what a refusing spouse, particularly a frigid wife, can do to her husband by being stingy and miserly in bed.
Yeah, just because they're Christian authors doesn't mean they're worth taking advice from. The vibe I got from that one snippet was "if you're a 'frigid wife' you should stop complaining and just lie down and take it." Which, you know, is a pretty messed up way to deal with it.
Just because they're Christian doesn't mean they're wrong either.
I find the Raineys refreshing... and realistic.

Originally Posted by Larry Mondello
If a wife only "allows" her husband the "privilege" of enjoying her body maybe 2X a year -- if that -- can mess-up a husband.
Two times a year? Really?

That's uh, wow. Okay I'll admit that's a little extreme.
It's about 3-4X, if that, in this "Christian" home.

Have read cases online where people routinely deny their spouses for 5-10 years. Women AND men do it.

And I haven't gotten into the cases where the guy spends more time viewing inappropriate content and constantly ignores his wife, leading to divorce.

Originally Posted by Larry Mondello
A spouse CONSTANTLY and CONSISTENTLY refusing to make themselves sexually available to the other is playing a deadly game, and causing unnecessary friction and hostility in a marriage, which the refused spouse also shares.
Is it really unnecessary?

(EDIT: as in, of course the fricition and hostility is an unwanted result, that's not what I meant)

I mean, if you say you've spoken to your wife and she hasn't told you if anything's wrong... well, that doesn't mean there isn't anything wrong. If they recoil and withdraw you KEEP PRESSING. You should really show them that you want them to open up and that you're concerned and perhaps look into relationship counselling if it's not going anywhere and really creating such a space between you.

No woman (or man) denies their spouse sex for such a long time just on the basis of "nah", something is always up.
Am only saying it's not wise for one spouse to REGULARLY withhold.

While I never advocate divorce, many equate longtime refusal to ABANDONMENT and thus a valid grounds for separating.
 
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muslimsoldier4life

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Instead of trying to justify his own dishonesty and blame someone else for his actions (she MADE me do it!) he should act like a freakin' adult and tell her honestly that he can't be in a relationship where there is no sex happening and that if something doesn't change (her allowing more sex, him being allowed to seek it elsewhere with her knowledge and blessing) then he will have to leave.

I have no idea what this rant is about, but it has no basis on the scenario I presented.



*The 'refusing to divorce' aspect I find unrealistic. If she says she won't let him divorce, then he should sue her for it, because she is being deliberately controlling and manipulative. In such a case I would not advocate dishonesty and cheating, but if he had to he could tell her outright that he was going to start seeing other women until she set him free. A relationship where one partner is trapped against their will has more problems than a mere lack of sex.
The situation I presented, happens more than women like to admit. Women have way more power than men in the judicial system, especially family court. A woman can have an affair, and not allot will happen to her. Women hardly have to pay allimony and even less are enforced to pay child support.

I honestly don't give a rat's butt what you believe sex should be, but here's the way I see it. Men are procreation creatures by design, period. Our animalistic nature is to spread our seed, and we do enjoy the pleasure of it. However, denying sex for a long period of time just cause, is not something that is supposed to be somehow empowering a woman. Also, women don't need to be crying to be a victim because her man cheated on her because she denied him sex for a long time. If a woman goes and cheats on her man because she's not satisfied at home, or is not getting any, I have seen it praised more than actually discouraged.
 
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Jennifer1973

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I haven't read through this whole post but it is a topic that is near and dear to my heart. I cheated on my husband after being denied sex for years. It is no excuse for my behaviour and I wish I would have instead simply asked for a divorce instead of being so sinful. I regret my cheating. At the time I was not practicing my faith at all although I still always talked to God. I was a loving, nurturing and committed wife for a long time. I tried to get him to stay home with me instead of wanting to go out. I asked for counseling but he said no. We did not have a faith-based marriage at all. Once I found my church I asked him to attend and he wouldn't. I felt unloved, confused and was sexually frustrated; so easy to slide down the slippery slope when one is feeling unloved and doesn't really know God or Jesus. I was tempted and did not make the right choice. I fell madly in love with someone else and it opened the door to more temptation, more sinful behaviour until God finally saved me.

My divorce will be final here shortly. This is no excuse whatsoever because I chose to be unfaithful and that is a choice I will have to live with forever but had my husband stayed home with me more often, spent time with me, ate dinner with me at the table, prayed with me, been a father to his son with me, hugged me, kissed me like a wife, slept in bed with me and yes- MADE LOVE WITH ME then our lives together would not have fallen apart. I will never be perfect in the eyes of God because I won't ever enter into a relationship with someone again until I know we are not only compatible in every day life together: problem solving, paying bills, praying... but also intimately. I won't enter into a marriage with someone who refuses to hold me, kiss me and make that wonderful connection with me because it left me feeling lonely, unloved and inconsolable and call me weak but it was not a feeling that even God could take from me. I learned a lot from my lessons, and I wish I had not been unfaithful but it also opened my eyes.

I will forever be one who does not agree when a spouse cuts off sex. I feel unless that person is mentally or physically unable to do so then those needs should be fulfilled as long as there is a balance found between both parties. It is unfair for a wife to deny deny deny for weeks, months, at a time and then expect a man to want to be loving in all other ways. In my opinion sex helps keep the connection strong and is a need for some people. I know it is for me and I won't feel guilty for that, 1 Corinthians or not.

And yeah I know tons of you won't agree with me and that's fine.
 
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motherprayer

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I haven't read through this whole post but it is a topic that is near and dear to my heart. I cheated on my husband after being denied sex for years. It is no excuse for my behaviour and I wish I would have instead simply asked for a divorce instead of being so sinful. I regret my cheating. At the time I was not practicing my faith at all although I still always talked to God. I was a loving, nurturing and committed wife for a long time. I tried to get him to stay home with me instead of wanting to go out. I asked for counseling but he said no. We did not have a faith-based marriage at all. Once I found my church I asked him to attend and he wouldn't. I felt unloved, confused and was sexually frustrated; so easy to slide down the slippery slope when one is feeling unloved and doesn't really know God or Jesus. I was tempted and did not make the right choice. I fell madly in love with someone else and it opened the door to more temptation, more sinful behaviour until God finally saved me.

My divorce will be final here shortly. This is no excuse whatsoever because I chose to be unfaithful and that is a choice I will have to live with forever but had my husband stayed home with me more often, spent time with me, ate dinner with me at the table, prayed with me, been a father to his son with me, hugged me, kissed me like a wife, slept in bed with me and yes- MADE LOVE WITH ME then our lives together would not have fallen apart. I will never be perfect in the eyes of God because I won't ever enter into a relationship with someone again until I know we are not only compatible in every day life together: problem solving, paying bills, praying... but also intimately. I won't enter into a marriage with someone who refuses to hold me, kiss me and make that wonderful connection with me because it left me feeling lonely, unloved and inconsolable and call me weak but it was not a feeling that even God could take from me. I learned a lot from my lessons, and I wish I had not been unfaithful but it also opened my eyes.

I will forever be one who does not agree when a spouse cuts off sex. I feel unless that person is mentally or physically unable to do so then those needs should be fulfilled as long as there is a balance found between both parties. It is unfair for a wife to deny deny deny for weeks, months, at a time and then expect a man to want to be loving in all other ways. In my opinion sex helps keep the connection strong and is a need for some people. I know it is for me and I won't feel guilty for that, 1 Corinthians or not.

And yeah I know tons of you won't agree with me and that's fine.

Well said! I absolutely agree wtih you that it is unfair to cut a partner off from sex. I apologize if my words did not appear to convey that. Like you, I also don't believe it is an excuse for other behavior.

I'm sorry for all you have gone through, and I pray your faith remains through all this!
 
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Bethesda

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I haven't read through this whole post but it is a topic that is near and dear to my heart. I cheated on my husband after being denied sex for years. It is no excuse for my behaviour and I wish I would have instead simply asked for a divorce instead of being so sinful. I regret my cheating. At the time I was not practicing my faith at all although I still always talked to God. I was a loving, nurturing and committed wife for a long time. I tried to get him to stay home with me instead of wanting to go out. I asked for counseling but he said no. We did not have a faith-based marriage at all. Once I found my church I asked him to attend and he wouldn't. I felt unloved, confused and was sexually frustrated; so easy to slide down the slippery slope when one is feeling unloved and doesn't really know God or Jesus. I was tempted and did not make the right choice. I fell madly in love with someone else and it opened the door to more temptation, more sinful behaviour until God finally saved me.

My divorce will be final here shortly. This is no excuse whatsoever because I chose to be unfaithful and that is a choice I will have to live with forever but had my husband stayed home with me more often, spent time with me, ate dinner with me at the table, prayed with me, been a father to his son with me, hugged me, kissed me like a wife, slept in bed with me and yes- MADE LOVE WITH ME then our lives together would not have fallen apart. I will never be perfect in the eyes of God because I won't ever enter into a relationship with someone again until I know we are not only compatible in every day life together: problem solving, paying bills, praying... but also intimately. I won't enter into a marriage with someone who refuses to hold me, kiss me and make that wonderful connection with me because it left me feeling lonely, unloved and inconsolable and call me weak but it was not a feeling that even God could take from me. I learned a lot from my lessons, and I wish I had not been unfaithful but it also opened my eyes.

I will forever be one who does not agree when a spouse cuts off sex. I feel unless that person is mentally or physically unable to do so then those needs should be fulfilled as long as there is a balance found between both parties. It is unfair for a wife to deny deny deny for weeks, months, at a time and then expect a man to want to be loving in all other ways. In my opinion sex helps keep the connection strong and is a need for some people. I know it is for me and I won't feel guilty for that, 1 Corinthians or not.

And yeah I know tons of you won't agree with me and that's fine.
very honest words - as you say undoubtedly some people will rush to cast metaphorical stones.
 
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motherprayer

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I think, at the end of the day, it is absolutely and unequivocally wrong for a spouse to withhold sex from his/her spouse. The marital relationship means doing things you don't feel like, and no I don't mean lay down and take it, but simply saying "How long has it been? I ought to give a bit of my time to satisfying my spouses physical desires."

I'm speaking as a woman who has NO sex drive at ALL, who is married to a man who has a huge drive. I don't even think about it, to be frank, and it IS a chore for me. But I do it, not out of duty, or fear that my husband will cheat if I don't, but out of a genuine desire to please him, physically, emotionally, and sexually.

I HATE it at times. I don't even know why, but I do. Part of it, I know, is physical, as I suffer from fibromyalgia, among other things. I really just don't want to.

Now, he and I have talked about this. We are open about the issues we face, both individually and as a unit. I told him how I feel, and as a result of that discussion, he learned to be PATIENT. It may not happen every day, or even every week, and he understands. So he may nudge me gently, or offer a sweet reminder of his physical needs, and I respond by giving him exactly what he asks for.

It is about respect between both parties, though. If he didn't communicate his needs - IN A LOVING WAY - and/or if I didn't communicate my issues - AGAIN, IN A LOVING WAY - we wouldn't have come to a good place about this. If we BOTH didn't make a consistent effort, him in understanding and me in conceding, our marriage WOULD have failed.

I pray this helps someone. I have been very open about a sensitive subject, because I do know how hard this is to go through.
 
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Larry Mondello

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I cheated on my husband after being denied sex for years. It is no excuse for my behaviour and I wish I would have instead simply asked for a divorce instead of being so sinful. I regret my cheating.
Agree but can certainly understand the temptation.

I will never be perfect in the eyes of God because I won't ever enter into a relationship with someone again until I know we are not only compatible in every day life together: problem solving, paying bills, praying... but also intimately.
That's wise but isn't always a "guarantee."
Let's just say wife & I were very close when we dated, sexually, so had no indication there'd be any future problem in that area.
Am not "recommending" premarital sex in any way, but wife & I weren't "so strong" Christians at the time.
Plus... we were in our 30s and let's just say I didn't do well @dating in all my 20s...

It is unfair for a wife to deny deny deny for weeks, months, at a time and then expect a man to want to be loving in all other ways. In my opinion sex helps keep the connection strong and is a need for some people..
100% agreement.
Sex is a way men show their love to their wives.
When their wives decline that and keep putting them off, they get frustrated, which leads to anger and thoughts they shouldn't have.

Yes, will admit I've had "thoughts," primarily about sexual encounters, and also leaving. Am human, after all.... but not so sure I could go through with it. And of course, wouldn't want to.

I find myself thinking about sex A LOT... and something I can't seem to control.

had my husband stayed home with me more often, spent time with me, ate dinner with me at the table, prayed with me, been a father to his son with me, hugged me, kissed me like a wife, slept in bed with me and yes- MADE LOVE WITH ME then our lives together would not have fallen apart.
This is key here... and the kind of thing I'm talking about.
 
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Larry Mondello

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Am not going to be a "doormat" anymore.
Am tired of being this "Nice Guy" whose so concerned about her feelings and has held off -- even to the point of withdrawing early or while in cuddling and sex play, stopping just before consummation where could normally proceed as she drops her resistance.... :)

Did that all bec. of her comfort and trying to show her I truly love her and care for her feelings more than my satisfaction, which I greatly need....

But it's clearly not getting me anywhere.

She never "reciprocates," meaning, she never says,
"Larry, I know you were worried about my comfort.
I love you and want you to satisfy me, so will try this weekend..."


There's NEVER time on the weekend and she forgets what I did earlier.
Stopped early a couple of times a month or so ago, but wasn't "thanked" or appreciated for that.

A NON-CHRISTIAN man wouldn't be so accommodating to his Christian wife.... and she wouldn't decline him and would give herself to him out of her Christian "duty." :o

But me.. a Christian man... look what I get...

Methinks I was a little too timid in relationships when I was single as well, so am ending this hesitancy and will take it where it goes...

Am speaking up more and not putting-up with her deflecting my moves for no legitimate reason when otherwise any man, Christian wife or not, would've proceeded with his bride....
Yeah, I read how some Christian women weren't so discerning and dated and lost their innocence to such guys (before marriage)...

And look how much of a "gentleman" I was toward them.....:confused:
 
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Larry Mondello

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It's gotten worse.
I cannot remember the last time we made love.

Oh.... maybe on my 50th birthday, but that was last year... in the spring.

This morning, for ex., woke her up holding her close. Nonverbally, it was very clear how "interested" I was...

We've "come close" as I earlier posted. But me being a "gentleman," care more about her feelings and comfort than my own satisfaction.

Again, am not gonna do that anymore... stop short... Plan to proceed.
Have put-up with this UNCHRISTIAN behavior long enough..
 
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FrenchyBearpaw

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It's gotten worse.
I cannot remember the last time we made love.

Oh.... maybe on my 50th birthday, but that was last year... in the spring.

This morning, for ex., woke her up holding her close. Nonverbally, it was very clear how "interested" I was...

We've "come close" as I earlier posted. But me being a "gentleman," care more about her feelings and comfort than my own satisfaction.

Again, am not gonna do that anymore... stop short... Plan to proceed.
Have put-up with this UNCHRISTIAN behavior long enough..

I'm sorry, I have not kept up with this thread, so pardon the question, but have you talked with your wife about how you feel?
 
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I Eat Pie

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My grandma refused it with my grandpa. It wasn't just "oh honey I'm tired, maybe tomorrow", and she did it for years, so he ended up walking out on her. Till this day, she regrets it. I'm not saying you should be pressured by your partner, but just remember that they can find love elsewhere.
 
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[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']This is my first post ever about this topic. [/FONT]
[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif'] [/FONT]
[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']Withholding sex in marriage is a multi-layered dilemma. I know because I have lived in a sex-starved marriage and yearned for intimacy with my wife for 40 of 44 years. After numerous inner struggles and having teetered a handful of times on the brink of divorce over the decades, I am committed to her (a miracle of the Holy spirit) as never before until death-do-us-part.[/FONT]
[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif'] [/FONT]
[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']We have a healthy adult daughter and a teen grandson, and I have worked steadily and provided for us, including a solid middle-class home and 35 years in a warm Jesus-worshipping church. [/FONT]
[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif'] [/FONT]
[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']What I know is [/FONT][FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']that while sensuality and spirituality have been separated and even considered mutually hostile by the church (and some insist scripture) for more than 2,000 years, it’s about time to reinterpret scripture for what it actually says about human sexuality—that sensuality and spirituality are meant to combine and enhance each other. That's the will of God for spouses, I believe.[/FONT][FONT='Verdana','sans-serif'][/FONT]
[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif'] [/FONT]
[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']I hope this helps somebody, as brief as it is, and that it offers hope. We have a God of hope and peace, so seek the “God of all comfort who comforts us in all our troubles (2 Cor 1:4).[/FONT][FONT='Verdana','sans-serif'][/FONT]
 
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