Is it wrong to refuse sex with someone you are married to?

JZ Howard

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This is my first post ever about this topic.

Withholding sex in marriage is a multi-layered dilemma. I know because I have lived in a sex-starved marriage and yearned for intimacy with my wife for 40 of 44 years. After numerous inner struggles and having teetered a handful of times on the brink of divorce over the decades, I am committed to her (a miracle of the Holy spirit) as never before until death-do-us-part.

We have a healthy adult daughter and a teen grandson, and I have worked steadily and provided for us, including a solid middle-class home and 35 years in a warm Jesus-worshipping church.

What I know is that while sensuality and spirituality have been separated and even considered mutually hostile by the church (and some insist scripture) for more than 2,000 years, it’s about time to reinterpret scripture for what it actually says about human sexuality—that sensuality and spirituality are meant to combine and enhance each other. That's the will of God for spouses, I believe.

I hope this helps somebody, as brief as it is, and that it offers hope. We have a God of hope and peace, so seek the “God of all comfort who comforts us in all our troubles (2 Cor 1:4).
 
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muslimsoldier4life

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Women who refuse to be intimate with their husbands for long periods of times, simply because of spite or losing interest in sex, have no room to complain when their husband seeks it outside the marriage; the same goes for the man and his wife.

Anyone who says a woman can hold out for however she wants, and that the man is wrong for cheating because of this, are the same type who believe that men are inherently dogs anyways.
 
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Autumnleaf

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My grandfather said that his marriage was not very good. He went on to say that back then divorce wasn't socially acceptable. If he had been married to my grandmother in modern society they might not have been married very long. Both of them are dead now.

People put themselves in situations where they are stuck. Hence, "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation."
 
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MLEN

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I know a few married guys who say their wives refuse to have sex with them the vast majority of the time. These are normal guys who are good people so its not like their wives aren't sexing them because they did something wrong. What do you think? Especially in marriage where monogamy is expected, is it wrong to put off the needs of a spouse?

The bigger question is, why would a loving wife want to deny her husband? Granted, sometimes situations call for it (physical or emotional issues that may be occurring in the woman). Under such circumstances the husband must show his love through patience and understanding. No one should feel forced against their will.

If a wife is constantly denying for what the husband thinks is no apparent reason, you can bet that there still is an underlying reason which needs to be lovingly sought out and carefully addressed together by the married couple. Lovingly supporting one's wife through her physical and emotional concerns goes a long way in correcting marital intimacy problems.
 
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Autumnleaf

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The bigger question is, why would a loving wife want to deny her husband? Granted, sometimes situations call for it (physical or emotional issues that may be occurring in the woman). Under such circumstances the husband must show his love through patience and understanding. No one should feel forced against their will.

If a wife is constantly denying for what the husband thinks is no apparent reason, you can bet that there still is an underlying reason which needs to be lovingly sought out and carefully addressed together by the married couple. Lovingly supporting one's wife through her physical and emotional concerns goes a long way in correcting marital intimacy problems.

If a loving wife isn't loving then something is obviously wrong.
 
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MLEN

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Unfortunately, many wives don't understand the physical needs of their husbands. They withhold out of anger or spite. It's not healthy within a marriage to hold grudges. Understanding goes both ways: A wife who truly loves should want to give. A husband who truly loves should seek to understand why if there is lack in her giving. When each spouse genuinely looks out for the needs of the other (instead of always trying to get their own needs fulfilled) it will always work out to be a win-win situation.
 
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Cearbhall

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Women who refuse to be intimate with their husbands for long periods of times, simply because of spite or losing interest in sex, have no room to complain when their husband seeks it outside the marriage; the same goes for the man and his wife.
I strongly disagree. If he feels the need to find sex elsewhere (and I wouldn't blame him), then he should first divorce her. She can't really complain when he divorces her, but she has done nothing that would justify infidelity on his part. He doesn't get to take sex from other people while still taking advantage of the convenient parts of being with his wife. One or the other.
 
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Standing_Ultraviolet

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It's not wrong. Whether you want to be physically intimate is personal, and everyone should respect your right not to be if you don't want to be. Depending on the situation, though, it can bring up some questions about the relationship, or it might point to serious health problems (whether mental or physical) that need to be addressed.
 
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Fantine

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I think that the solution to many problems in marriages lies in better communication. It's a difficult thing to discuss, but follow the rules of good communication--stick to feelings, no name-calling, do active listening until the other person knows he has been heard and understood. Once you can each reach a point of empathy, you can work on developing a workable solution that both of you can agree on.
 
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