Is it wrong to refuse sex with someone you are married to?

[Autumnleaf]

I know a few married guys who say their wives refuse to have sex with them the vast majority of the time. These are normal guys who are good people so its not like their wives aren't sexing them because they did something wrong. What do you think? Especially in marriage where monogamy is expected, is it wrong to put off the needs of a spouse?

Then the follow up question is what if the spouse cheats because sex is not available at home? That may be too racy for the forum so if it is please edit it out if necessary.

 

[pinkputter]

It's not wrong. If a husband forces his wife to have sex with him against her will that is rape.

Having said that, if she is refusing sex on a regular basis, there's a bigger problem going on. Part of marriage is a physical relationship, and if either party is dissatisfied that can cause additional issues in the marriage. If this is what the marriage is like, I would definitely seek counseling.

 

[flicka]

YOU have absolutely no idea if anyone "did anything wrong". What goes on behind closed doors and in private are not things YOU are privy to. MYOB

 

[Jazer]

is it wrong to put off the needs of a spouse?

It depends on if they are seeking to serve God or not.

29 But this I say, brethren, the time is short, so that from now on even those who have wives should be as though they had none,

He who is unmarried cares for the things of the Lord—how he may please the Lord.

7 Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me:
aIt is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2 Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. 3 bLet the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 cDo not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that dSatan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 But I say this as a concession, enot as a commandment. 7 For fI wish that all men were even as I myself. But each one has his own gift from God, one in this manner and another in that.​

 

[Jade Margery]

It's not wrong for the woman not to want to have sex. But it is unfair to the man if his sexual needs are going un-fulfilled for months at a time. Just as the woman has a right not to want sex, the man has a right to want it. A healthy relationship means giving in sometimes--the woman may not feel like having sex, but can let it happen to make her husband happy, while the man can abstain to keep his wife happy... or vice versa, since there are plenty of relationships where the woman has the higher sex drive.

If one partner is refusing to have sex for long periods of time but the couple is otherwise happy with each other, it may be time to arrange for the needy partner to find sex elsewhere. This is best done with both partner's agreement and understanding--cheating would be wrong, but it would also be wrong to expect someone you love to ignore their biological needs for many months or even years at a time.

 

[mpok1519]

Its wrong for husbands to not understand why their wives are refusing sex.

 

[ThatRobGuy]

This points out the flaw in the whole "no sex until marriage" philosophy held up by some.

People getting married without having any knowlegde of their sexual compatibility with the other person is bound to lead to disaster.

 

[quatona]

I know a few married guys who say their wives refuse to have sex with them the vast majority of the time.

Any idea as to why that is?

These are normal guys who are good people

And you know that how exactly?

so its not like their wives aren't sexing them because they did something wrong.

Sounds like you are accepting sex as a valid means of reward/punishment.

What do you think? Especially in marriage where monogamy is expected, is it wrong to put off the needs of a spouse?

I´m not sure if you can manage to familiarize yourself with the idea that some problems require better questions than "Is it wrong....?"
In this case, for example, a better question would be "What is the actual problem this couple has, and which manifests in this dissonance?"

Anyway, you seem to have a completely different idea of partnership and sexuality than I have. I don´t think of sex as a service. I think of it as a form of communication. I wouldn´t want to have sex with someone who doesn´t want to have sex with me, just like I don´t want to have a talk with someone who isn´t interested in talking with me.

Then the follow up question is what if the spouse cheats because sex is not available at home?

I guess the underlying problems won´t be solved but rather get even bigger.

 

[PreachersWife2004]

This points out the flaw in the whole "no sex until marriage" philosophy held up by some.

People getting married without having any knowlegde of their sexual compatibility with the other person is bound to lead to disaster.

What a load. I know many married couples who are enjoying long marriages who did not know whether they were sexually compatible before they got married. Those that experienced "issues" learned to work through them so that sex was beneficial to both of them.

The notion that somehow marriages are only built upon sexual compatibly is ridiculous.

 

[Mling]

What a load. I know many married couples who are enjoying long marriages who did not know whether they were sexually compatible before they got married. Those that experienced "issues" learned to work through them so that sex was beneficial to both of them.

The notion that somehow marriages are only built upon sexual compatibly is ridiculous.

Marriages certainly aren't built on sexual compatibility, but many are severely damaged due to sexual incompatibility. My parents' is an excellent example of just such a relationship.

Working through "issues" only really works within a certain range of issues and a broad willingness to do what it takes to solve them.

Sometimes two people simply cannot have mutually satisfying sex with each other. If that is the situation, what are the options?

Have sex with other people by mutual consent
Have sex with other people without mutual consent (ie: cheat)
Stop having sex altogether.

If the people involved aren't willing to do the first (as many "wait til marriage" folks wouldn't), and don't want to do the second, that only leaves a sexless marriage (or a marriage with sad, routine, mutually unsatisfying, and perhaps harmful sex).

But a lot of people attach a lot of importance to sex, beyond the physical. It's a powerful way of affirming attraction, love and worthiness as a person. My girlfriend was badly injured several months ago, and said that nothing made her feel better than that physical proof (sex) that somebody still considered her to be an attractive and loveable person and not just a victim who needed to be taken care of.

What happens when these two situations collide? When you have a monogamous relationship between people who attach great emotional and personal value to sex, but are simply incapable of having mutually satisfying sex with each other?

Well...I'd say the stereotype of the 50's happens--a generation (again, following the stereotype, as I wasn't there to see the reality) involving a whole lot unsatisfied, alcoholic, housewives and angry, cheating men, whose children have the highest divorce rate in our country's history. (Divorce peaked in the 80's).

even if the stereotype isn't true--I still say that situation can't lead anywhere good.

I'll also toss in: I cannot be satisfied by gentle sex.

Now, is that something you'd want to find out before or after making a vow with me?

 

[Paul 5]

I knew a man who said he had great sex with his wife before they were married but after marriage she kind of cut him off. So sex before marriage is not the answer. The bible tells us that the man is to give to the woman what she wants and the woman is to give to the man what he wants,also there is a warning that not maintaining the relationship can open the door for sin. I remember years ago reading a book(by a Doctor)about sex where he quoted a prostitute as saying, "if the married women would get off their lazy butts and take care of their husbands we would all be out of business". A man or woman who is simply to lazy or unconcerned to satisfy their mate is in error. Note,in some cases there may be real "reasons"why a mate does not want to have sex,that would be different.

 

[Mling]

I knew a man who said he had great sex with his wife before they were married but after marriage she kind of cut him off. So sex before marriage is not the answer. The bible tells us that the man is to give to the woman what she wants and the woman is to give to the man what he wants,also there is a warning that not maintaining the relationship can open the door for sin. I remember years ago reading a book(by a Doctor)about sex where he quoted a prostitute as saying, "if the married women would get off their lazy butts and take care of their husbands we would all be out of business". A man or woman who is simply to lazy or unconcerned to satisfy their mate is in error. Note,in some cases there may be real "reasons"why a mate does not want to have sex,that would be different.

does being too exhausted after working the equivalent of two or three jobs (women, while working outside the home, still do the vast majority if housework and child care, also) constitute "laziness?"

 

[ThatRobGuy]

What a load. I know many married couples who are enjoying long marriages who did not know whether they were sexually compatible before they got married. Those that experienced "issues" learned to work through them so that sex was beneficial to both of them.

The notion that somehow marriages are only built upon sexual compatibly is ridiculous.

It's not built only on sexuality, but I would have to think that it's an important factor since that's the one physical interaction that typically separates your special someone from other people of the desired gender.

While sexual compatibility can't necessarily "make" the relationship, incompatibility can certainly "break" it. I have people in my family who are prime examples of that.

 

[Autumnleaf]

does being too exhausted after working the equivalent of two or three jobs (women, while working outside the home, still do the vast majority if housework and child care, also) constitute "laziness?"

Of course it does. She's too lazy just to lie down and think of England. That is about as lazy as they come.

 

[.Iona.]

If someone doesn't want sex, they shouldn't feel they have to do it just because they are married.

If it's a permanent thing then it should definitely be something that they need to talk about, but it's a sensitive issue to many and no one should feel they have a duty to do what they don't want to do.

 

[Mr. Pedantic]

Being pressured into having sex when you don't want to is rape as well. If there is a problem, then you should try to sort things out. Forcing yourself onto someone else because you want sexual gratification is not sorting things out.

 

[PreachersWife2004]

It's not built only on sexuality, but I would have to think that it's an important factor since that's the one physical interaction that typically separates your special someone from other people of the desired gender.

While sexual compatibility can't necessarily "make" the relationship, incompatibility can certainly "break" it. I have people in my family who are prime examples of that.

then the relationship has far more issues in it if people can't get past what they perceive to be sexual incompatibility.

 

[citizenthom]

This points out the flaw in the whole "no sex until marriage" philosophy held up by some.

People getting married without having any knowlegde of their sexual compatibility with the other person is bound to lead to disaster.

No one gets married knowing what their sex life will be like after marriage, because marriage fundamentally changes the structure of your life together. One of the most common problems that leads to misery, and sometimes divorce, is when a couple has a sex life before marriage, and one spouse goes into the marriage assuming it will stay the same in all aspects (or for that matter ANY aspects).

To answer the OP, yes, it is a sin to deny your spouse sex, period. Scripture is not flexible on that point: sex is a duty each spouse owes to the other, as often as asked for. While it is important to show patience and understanding for the spouse who is not in need, the ability to say "no" belongs to the spouse who wants sex.

It is telling but inaccurate, BTW, that most of the comments in this thread are premised on the idea that it is men who "demand" sex and women who say "no." Married women are denied sex at least as often as married men. It has simply been a social taboo for women to admit as much until very, very recently--and still is for the most part.

 

[citizenthom]

does being too exhausted after working the equivalent of two or three jobs (women, while working outside the home, still do the vast majority if housework and child care, also) constitute "laziness?"

It constitutes bad priorities. If your other activities leave you without time or energy to satisfy your spouse sexually, then it is the other activities that need to be cut down or cut out.

 

[citizenthom]

If someone doesn't want sex, they shouldn't feel they have to do it just because they are married.

If it's a permanent thing then it should definitely be something that they need to talk about, but it's a sensitive issue to many and no one should feel they have a duty to do what they don't want to do.

If you are not willing to have sex with someone even when you don't want it yourself, you should not ask another person to be your exclusive sexual partner--and hence should not get married.

If you don't want to have duties to other people, then you REALLY shouldn't get married.

And that's really the root of the wrongful thinking of our society here: the idea that there is no such thing as a duty to another person, or that all duties are subject to one's own needs. That simply is not true in marriage.