1)Perhaps something to think about - perhaps not! It is for YOU to decide. You stated you had a "Bad church experience" near the beginning of your post. This tells me it is at the front of your mind. Consider forgiving any person involved in that "bad experience."
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This is something I've been thinking about. I've been saved for 6 years ...but I had a bad church experience ..
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2)Then you stated some positive activities, which reminded me of my own early church experience. I did some of those same things, and like you, received a great feeling of satisfaction through helping others, who were less fortunate than I.
2)
however at least while I was there I was able to do somethings like help at a soup kitchen and plan our next outreach stuff..
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3)Then you begin to expand on the real issue that eats at your heart and perhaps at your soul. "Disrespect." This is a new age of disrespect, and it is not because you are somehow to blame. It is because You are a member of a new type of Female, in a generation of Females who do not understand God's ideal Female. I do not say this is you, I say simply the generation into which you are found, are floundering in a quagmire of not being able to separate yourself from the thinking of the generation itself.
I see you as a Female who has a high moral standard, but suffer because so many of your generation do not, and you are disrespected, not for something you have done or failed to do, but you are recognized by your age group (your "generation") that has badly expressed itself, for which you are asked to pay the price. And the price is too high. Especially when you do not understand exactly what it is you are asked to "pay for."
Our entire nation has fallen into disrespect for each other, and ourselves, whether we have "Done the deed" or simply stood silently by as a spectator, sadly shaking our heads, but remaining silent, and wondering why I feel so inadequate and disrespected.
I speak of the two things that will bring down ANY nation; the very issues over which we now see daily, and fail to confront. Yet feel the brunt of disrespect, because we all become suspect in our neighbor's eyes, because we disapprove, but cannot bring ourselves to voice said disapproval.
Homosexuality and Abortion - There, I finally said it, and while you and I may be innocent, we are among those who cannot identify which among us are the guilty ones. So we suffer disrespect, while searching for "Meaning" in our own little sphere of influence.
3)
but I left bc of the disrespect... Sometimes I just want to crawl back because even though I wasn't being treated right..at least I was being useful and doing something. I loved doing that and it gave my life meaning...
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4) It is my humble opinion, you cannot figure out how to have a meaningful dialogue with God because you cannot comprehend the total disengagement between yourself and your generation. This is not an accusation, it is an observation. When we cannot understand our own world, how can we attempt to understand that world for which we should collectively aspire?
4)
Now I'm just sitting here... ( no I cat volunteer or anything until I get my license which is what I'm working on) like I don't really pray...because its just me praying and I don't hear God at all...I just wonder why? Why the silence...why am I not being used? Why am I just sitting here?
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5) Sometimes, in our despair, we may alienate one aspect of society, to which we should be turning for aid and comfort, trust and reinforcement; i.e., that "Husband" or those "Friends" whom you see as "getting in the way."
A proper Husband would never, ever, "get in the way" of your devotion to God, and even to helping you in your own attempts to communicate that which is so heavy on your heart.
And a proper friend would never allow anything to get between you and your pursuit of spiritual growth.
And Hope is not something you "find" or "lose." It is someone you become, a cause for hope, whether yourself, or others who have likewise lost their way due to circumstances with which they are not involved; like Homosexuality or Abortion.
5)
It would be perfect for me to devout my life to God bc I have no husband or friends to get in the way ( I would be a nun but I don't like closed spaces and I know that's not my calling) but God doesn't speak back, and I don't know why.... I'm willing... But I'm starting to lose hope....
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6)I was raised Catholic, in belief, and faith, and activity. I depended upon the creeds and doctrines to sustain me when I faltered from self-doubt. They are not equipped for that. They are mostly a means whereby the church attempts to re-enforce their teachings from a Catechism form of teaching.
You stated your awareness of baptism and water and Holy spirit, but your application is from a creed and doctrine understanding. (And, no, I am not finding fault with you. I am remembering my own time as a Catholic youth. I studied my way out of it.)
6)
And if you're wondering yes, I've been baptised in water and the holy spirit...so I don't know why God is so far away and so behind the scenes in my lifw,,, I justdont know...
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7) I remember having the same feelings, and doubts, because HE was reaching out; He IS reaching out; He wants you to doubt and enquire, and believe what you read from HIS OWN WORDS- Not the words of doctrines and creeds of a MAN-MADE origin.
You see for yourself, what you have been taught leaves you feeling doubt, and feeling down...
7)
It makes me feel bad and it makes me wonder if he likes me at all ...old just feeling down.
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8)THAT's the bad news.
The Good news is God loves you, and wants you to feel His love, and a recognition that you are on the right track. THAT is why He sent you to this board. To share what you feel, and be brought to an understanding that MEN's Efforts, while attempting to improve upon GOD's Words, fail miserably, leaving you empty, and weak, and wondering.
Any time ANY one tries to tell you what God says about a thing, make Him/Her show you those words in God's written word. If it cannot be found there, it is not true. If it is there, strive to understand it in the light of everything else in His word. He will not contradict or try to fool you. THAT is left to the efforts of MEN.
God bless you in your effort to be heard, and to find that for which you are searching.
