What's your relationship deal breaker?

[Deidre32]

So, in a nutshell, I ended up breaking up with my bf. I was seeing an amazingly great guy. Sexy, good looking, we had amazing chemistry. He is smart, and the best part, he's an atheist. (best part for me, now that I am one)

Over the past few weeks, the topic of marriage started popping up, on his end, not mine. I don't believe in marriage, I think it's an unrealistic paradigm for a number of reasons.

We took a break, and now we're over. We decided today to part as friends, though.

Anyway, have you ever ended a relationship because you had a difference of opinion over something like this? Doesn't have to be marriage, could be religion, could be politics. But, something that caused you to realize that you both felt was a deal breaker.

What's your deal breaker?

 

[J.B.]

He sounds like he was a nice guy, and had other traits that you found desirable. However, you are opposed to marriage, then? Why? Since you two are apparently both atheists, I couldn't exactly say that you would have been unequally yoked, although I urge you to consider otherwise. What caused you to lose your faith, and turn toward atheism? I am nearly twenty-five years old, but the spiritual evidence has been present in my life, and from my understandings of the lives of others. We cannot physically see God or Christ yet, except perhaps through visions, although I am convinced through a series of miracles not only in my own life, but also in the lives of others, which include miracles as seemingly insignificant as finding lost items, business successes, or even recovery from serious diseases or situations.

I could not justify myself entering into a marriage unequally yoked, that is to say, the wife being of a different belief system altogether. The scriptures urge Christians to marry only other believers in Christ's divinity and gospel. If there are aspects of a woman that irritate to me, I could not find myself willing to enter into marriage with her. That could include her personality, among other things. I believe that it is certainly fine to seek out a spouse based on attractions, although other aspects are important to consider as well. Appearances are not everything, just as personality is not. A woman could be a genuine Christian, and I could either have a limited attraction toward her, or plenty, yet there could be various details about her I dislike enough to want to avoid marriage.

 

[Clone93]

The Bible says not to be unequally yoked, so religion would be a deal breaker, but it's far from the only. I'll list the ones in my head from least serious to most serious.

1.Utterly appalling tastes in music, I'm talking one direction etc...
2.Uninterested in current affairs
3.No political interest
4.Rather unattractive (to be totally honest)
5.Completely emotionally unstable (I'm talking checking your email and texting you all hours of the day)
6.Unsupportive of Israel (anyone can see they're in the right)
7.Obscenely negative
8.Obscenely positive
9.Lacking in the most basic sense
10. Religion.

That's the list I can think of right now, but whatever I can come up with later religion is the most important...

 

[J.B.]

The Bible says not to be unequally yoked, so religion would be a deal breaker, but it's far from the only. I'll list the ones in my head from least serious to most serious.

1.Utterly appalling tastes in music, I'm talking one direction etc...
2.Uninterested in current affairs
3.No political interest
4.Rather unattractive (to be totally honest)
5.Completely emotionally unstable (I'm talking checking your email and texting you all hours of the day)
6.Unsupportive of Israel (anyone can see they're in the right)
7.Obscenely negative
8.Obscenely positive
9.Lacking in the most basic sense
10. Religion.

That's the list I can think of right now, but whatever I can come up with later religion is the most important...

I agree with you on everything, although I may be able to tolerate number eight, sometimes. Positivity is good, although it can go extremely far, to the point of delusions. Not every matter is a positive one. However, if someone tries to keep positive out of habit, attempting to keep away from negativity, I cannot blame them for their willingness to do so. As for number one, an appalling taste in music may be tolerable as well, although it could become quite irritating, and may not make for such compatibility in marriage if music is such an important part of the lives of those married.

 

[MehGuy]

Too vanilla..

Not cute enough..

Too tomboyish..

 

[Clone93]

I agree with you on everything, although I may be able to tolerate number eight, sometimes. Positivity is good, although it can go extremely far, to the point of delusions. Not every matter is a positive one. However, if someone tries to keep positive out of habit, attempting to keep away from negativity, I cannot blame them for their willingness to do so. As for number one, an appalling taste in music may be tolerable as well, although it could become quite irritating, and may not make for such compatibility in marriage if music is such an important part of the lives of those married.

Music, and musical integrity is very important to me I couldn't see my future wife and I getting along if I see Rush and Dream theater as musical brilliance and she sees Justin Bieber as musical brilliance I couldn't reconcile that with my image of sense.

As for overly positive, it would grind on me slowly until there's nothing left but the strongest desire to chew my arm off and escape into the night.

 

[J.B.]

Music, and musical integrity is very important to me I couldn't see my future wife and I getting along if I see Rush and Dream theater as musical brilliance and she sees Justin Bieber as musical brilliance I couldn't reconcile that with my image of sense.

As for overly positive, it would grind on me slowly until there's nothing left but the strongest desire to chew my arm off and escape into the night.

I understand completely. Just because I stated that I may find these things tolerable, does not mean that I in fact will! Like I mentioned, if music is such an important part of one's life, then some common ground in musical tastes is nearly always a requirement for maintaining a stable marriage. I couldn't see getting married to a fan of Justin Bieber, either. I would try to avoid dating somebody that has a positive perception of that guy.

 

[Toro]

Lying.
Cheating.
No Respect.

Otherwise Im a pretty happy bull.

 

[Deidre32]

Music, and musical integrity is very important to me I couldn't see my future wife and I getting along if I see Rush and Dream theater as musical brilliance and she sees Justin Bieber as musical brilliance I couldn't reconcile that with my image of sense.

As for overly positive, it would grind on me slowly until there's nothing left but the strongest desire to chew my arm off and escape into the night.

Lol!!

Any man who would show interest in Justin Beiber? Total deal breaker!


On my phone but will come back to the other replies later. Interesting responses, and I'm glad to see I'm not alone in having deal breakers.

 

[Deidre32]

Lying.
Cheating.
No Respect.

Otherwise Im a pretty happy bull.

Totally agree on these three. And one strike and they're out.

 

[graciesings]

I think the hidden deal breaker for me is if the guy can't get along with my family.

I mean, the obvious deal breakers can be taken out of the row of icons by my avatar. He needs to have comparable religious beliefs and political beliefs... obviously, someone with faith and similar interests. But the hidden problem I've had with some guys is that I'm very close to my family, and I don't think I could marry a guy if my Dad and brothers didn't respect him.

 

[Deidre32]

I think the hidden deal breaker for me is if the guy can't get along with my family.

I mean, the obvious deal breakers can be taken out of the row of icons by my avatar. He needs to have comparable religious beliefs and political beliefs... obviously, someone with faith and similar interests. But the hidden problem I've had with some guys is that I'm very close to my family, and I don't think I could marry a guy if my Dad and brothers didn't respect him.

Really. That's very admirable. Soooo many people these days don't care what their families of origin think of their partners so this is a refreshing reply.

 

[KingCrimson250]

I don't believe in marriage

Really? Because it kinda exists.


In any case, I think a deal-breaker for me would be a certain sort of dependence. Obviously there is a sense in which dependence upon one's spouse or significant other is healthy, but that's more in the broad sense in which we're dependent on everyone we're close to.

No, what I mean is a girl who feels unloved unless I text her constantly (texting is a terrible invention for relationships. See, at least with phones, you call the person once and then you don't have to worry about it for at least the rest of the day. With texting you're bombarded by a constant flow of minutiae), who feels the need to know my schedule for the week, who takes "I need some alone time" as a personal insult or an indication that I'm cheating, etc etc. Or, my goodness, have you ever had that when you're rather upset about something, and you'd rather not talk about it, and someone just keeps pressuring and pressuring you to tell them about it?


Sometimes I wonder if I should even want to get married at all. As the saying goes, "Hell is other people," and the notion of spending every day with another person - no matter how much you love them - seems quite hellish indeed. At the very least, I'd like to marry someone who understands that. Fundamentally, I suppose, I like to keep relationships at arm's length, which isn't a quality that many people find appealing when looking for a potential mate.


Some people tell me that perhaps I'm called to celibacy but I reject that label as it implies that I am unmarried out of a pious and humble response to a divine calling when in reality I am unmarried because I am cantankerous and immature.


EDIT: Don't get me wrong, I'm not some miserable old shut-in or anything. I do spend plenty of time with other human beings. But the way I see it is that places like pubs and coffee shops and churches are where you go to spend time with people, and home is where you go to not spend time with people. Having someone else at your home waiting to spend time with you just makes a mockery of the whole idea.

 

[Gnarwhal]

-Too attached to her family
-Lack of, or an indifference towards, education
-Cares more about luxury and material possessions than raw adventure and helping others

Probably some other stuff but I'm too tired to list it.

 

[Waddler]

I ended a relationship because she did not believe in physical intimacy before marriage. I feel love from others through physical touch, so that was not working (and I gave it six months to work). I'm on board with the idea of abstinence from sex before marriage, but I need hand-holding. Hugs. Kisses. Cuddling on the couch during a movie. I don't want someone that I'm "dating," sitting on the couch next to, and yet can't touch because "God would be ashamed of us."

 

[Miles]

Disregards my values my values, or treats me as an end to a means rather than as a unique individual. I feel lonely and disrespected in that kind of relationship.

 

[Deidre32]

Really? Because it kinda exists.

i know, that's unfortunate.

In any case, I think a deal-breaker for me would be a certain sort of dependence. Obviously there is a sense in which dependence upon one's spouse or significant other is healthy, but that's more in the broad sense in which we're dependent on everyone we're close to.

No, what I mean is a girl who feels unloved unless I text her constantly (texting is a terrible invention for relationships. See, at least with phones, you call the person once and then you don't have to worry about it for at least the rest of the day. With texting you're bombarded by a constant flow of minutiae), who feels the need to know my schedule for the week, who takes "I need some alone time" as a personal insult or an indication that I'm cheating, etc etc. Or, my goodness, have you ever had that when you're rather upset about something, and you'd rather not talk about it, and someone just keeps pressuring and pressuring you to tell them about it?

i agree 1000% ...clinginess is a turn off. And it often isn't flattering, it just means that the person has issues and cant be without consoling and the need for affirmation. when a guy bombards me with 'love texts' not knowing me all that well, i run for the hills, typically. good points you've made.

Sometimes I wonder if I should even want to get married at all. As the saying goes, "Hell is other people," and the notion of spending every day with another person - no matter how much you love them - seems quite hellish indeed. At the very least, I'd like to marry someone who understands that. Fundamentally, I suppose, I like to keep relationships at arm's length, which isn't a quality that many people find appealing when looking for a potential mate.

I do as well, and it makes the other person feel inadequate which is never my intent. Good thing the many people don't think like me otherwise, the human species would have become extinct a long time ago.

Some people tell me that perhaps I'm called to celibacy but I reject that label as it implies that I am unmarried out of a pious and humble response to a divine calling when in reality I am unmarried because I am cantankerous and immature.

Not choosing marriage doesn't mean one is immature.

EDIT: Don't get me wrong, I'm not some miserable old shut-in or anything. I do spend plenty of time with other human beings. But the way I see it is that places like pubs and coffee shops and churches are where you go to spend time with people, and home is where you go to not spend time with people. Having someone else at your home waiting to spend time with you just makes a mockery of the whole idea.

i agree

-Too attached to her family
-Lack of, or an indifference towards, education
-Cares more about luxury and material possessions than raw adventure and helping others

Probably some other stuff but I'm too tired to list it.

i can appreciate those, thanks for sharing.

I ended a relationship because she did not believe in physical intimacy before marriage. I feel love from others through physical touch, so that was not working (and I gave it six months to work). I'm on board with the idea of abstinence from sex before marriage, but I need hand-holding. Hugs. Kisses. Cuddling on the couch during a movie. I don't want someone that I'm "dating," sitting on the couch next to, and yet can't touch because "God would be ashamed of us."

that would be odd, but i guess everyone is different. i feel that at this point as an atheist, i find myself gravitating away from those who are religious, even though i meet guys who are, because i know it will be a set up for failure. to have such a difference of opinion in something so fundamental as spiritual beliefs, i think, is a deal breaker. but i do have friends who are 'unequally yoked,' and they seem happy.

Disregards my values my values, or treats me as an end to a means rather than as a unique individual. I feel lonely and disrespected in that kind of relationship.

yes, that would not be a fun relationship to be a part of.

 

[Messy]

So, in a nutshell, I ended up breaking up with my bf. I was seeing an amazingly great guy. Sexy, good looking, we had amazing chemistry. He is smart, and the best part, he's an atheist. (best part for me, now that I am one)

Over the past few weeks, the topic of marriage started popping up, on his end, not mine. I don't believe in marriage, I think it's an unrealistic paradigm for a number of reasons.

We took a break, and now we're over. We decided today to part as friends, though.

Anyway, have you ever ended a relationship because you had a difference of opinion over something like this? Doesn't have to be marriage, could be religion, could be politics. But, something that caused you to realize that you both felt was a deal breaker.

What's your deal breaker?

I recently broke up when he wanted to marry. We had amazing chemistry too and the best part, he's a christian.

He didn't believe in marriage, so that was a dealbreaker, I wanted to marry him, we stayed friends and now all of a sudden he did want to marry and then I didn't want to anymore and said: I'm not gonna marry you when you don't want to be set free from drugs (hmmm should have brought that up much earlier, I thought everyone just wants to be set free from that and he thought I was totally okay with it), so the real dealbreaker in my case was that we had very different opinions about God and for instance His approving of pot.

 

[Sketcher]

- If she's not a Christian or if even if she is one technically, has a worldly mindset.
- Feeding off of this, if she's liberal.
(Value: She needs to be a born-again, practicing Christian with the same/compatible values that I have.)
- If she's disagreeable, let alone domineering.
- Feeding off of that, if she's disrespectful towards people. And by extension, me.
(Value: She needs to be a reasonable and respectful person. Someone who can see the other side when disagreements come up, and reasonably compromise. Someone who recognizes the value in others and treats them as valuable people.)
- If she's just not right in the head.
- If she constantly says stupid stuff. We all have our moments, but if this is all the freakin' time, no.
(Value: I like women who are intelligent and mentally/emotionally healthy.)

 

[Gnarwhal]

- If she's not a Christian or if even if she is one technically, has a worldly mindset. - Feeding off of this, if she's liberal. (Value: She needs to be a born-again, practicing Christian with the same/compatible values that I have.) - If she's disagreeable, let alone domineering. - Feeding off of that, if she's disrespectful towards people. And by extension, me. (Value: She needs to be a reasonable and respectful person. Someone who can see the other side when disagreements come up, and reasonably compromise. Someone who recognizes the value in others and treats them as valuable people.) - If she's just not right in the head. - If she constantly says stupid stuff. We all have our moments, but if this is all the freakin' time, no. (Value: I like women who are intelligent and mentally/emotionally healthy.)

Yikes.

Sent from my iPhone using Forum Runner