Over analyzing a relationship

[EtainSkirata]

Hi,

I know I post a lot on here about my boyfriend, but he's my first boyfriend ever and so it's a new experience for me.

Our 1 year anniversary is next week. And I'm freaking out. I had decided months ago that I want to marry him (even though he's not sure yet). But now I'M not sure. I keep thinking, do I love him? Do I want to spend the rest of my life with him? Do I trust him to raise our kids well?

Literally 2 days ago I was writing his happy anniversary card and getting emotional with how he loves me. But I have all these doubts and a funny feeling, even though we don't disagree on much (we are both Christians and we go to the same church).

Last night he hugged me and I felt such a rush of affection, it was so powerful. But today (and even last night some time before he hugged me) I'm having doubts. I would tell myself before, when I felt like I didn't love him, that I'm CHOOSING to love him, despite my feelings. But now I don't even want to choose that?? I used to think that getting married to him would help solve some issues, because then I would be in the safety of marriage and I wouldn't have this "do I stay or go" thought process. But now I don't want to marry him??

I see his picture pop up on my phone in the "memories" thing, and I feel affection, but I have all these doubts. I'm freaking out, like, "what if he gets me a pretty necklace for our anniversary, I'm not gonna feel the way I should about it."

I want to freak out and cry; why can't I just accept that we're a little different, but it's not the end of the world? I was so convinced I wanted to marry him! Why are my emotions going crazy? Why do I have this funny feeling that I can barely find an explanation for? I want to write, "I just want to love him" but I can't even write that. I have a hard time even saying I love you to him.

He's amazing and wonderful and cares about me so much. My emotions are going crazy though and I hate this uncertainty.

 

[subtlecollision]

Hi,

I know I post a lot on here about my boyfriend, but he's my first boyfriend ever and so it's a new experience for me.

Our 1 year anniversary is next week. And I'm freaking out. I had decided months ago that I want to marry him (even though he's not sure yet). But now I'M not sure. I keep thinking, do I love him? Do I want to spend the rest of my life with him? Do I trust him to raise our kids well?

Literally 2 days ago I was writing his happy anniversary card and getting emotional with how he loves me. But I have all these doubts and a funny feeling, even though we don't disagree on much (we are both Christians and we go to the same church).

Last night he hugged me and I felt such a rush of affection, it was so powerful. But today (and even last night some time before he hugged me) I'm having doubts. I would tell myself before, when I felt like I didn't love him, that I'm CHOOSING to love him, despite my feelings. But now I don't even want to choose that?? I used to think that getting married to him would help solve some issues, because then I would be in the safety of marriage and I wouldn't have this "do I stay or go" thought process. But now I don't want to marry him??

I see his picture pop up on my phone in the "memories" thing, and I feel affection, but I have all these doubts. I'm freaking out, like, "what if he gets me a pretty necklace for our anniversary, I'm not gonna feel the way I should about it."

I want to freak out and cry; why can't I just accept that we're a little different, but it's not the end of the world? I was so convinced I wanted to marry him! Why are my emotions going crazy? Why do I have this funny feeling that I can barely find an explanation for? I want to write, "I just want to love him" but I can't even write that. I have a hard time even saying I love you to him.

He's amazing and wonderful and cares about me so much. My emotions are going crazy though and I hate this uncertainty.

Sorry you're struggling with these doubts. I pray that you would find some clarity soon.

I can't say for sure because I don't know you in real life, but if you feel like you have to choose to love someone only a year in, that's not a good sign. I dislike when people say that love is a choice or an action. Love has to have real affection, too, or it isn't love.

Maybe I'm wrong, but these doubts don't really sound like OCD doubts to me. It sounds like you're legitimately doubting your relationship.

Anyway, this is just my interpretation based on what you wrote. As hard as it is, I'd try not to freak out about these doubts. If you feel convinced to end the relationship, it's always best to get out of a bad relationship sooner rather than later.

 

[EtainSkirata]

Love has to have real affection, too, or it isn't love.

I would say I do have affection for him. Just not all the time. Sometimes an "I love you" just wells up in my chest, and so, I say it (this would be just 4 days ago on Sunday, today is Thursday).

My brain just goes all over the place. I got hung up on "what if he's going to be a bad father?!" And I just tend to over anyze every single thing he does or says and wonder if it's a red flag or if it's just not a big deal.

Like today, for instance. Actually, if anyone sees this, I'd love an answer to this specific question also. We were out walking and long story short we needed to get an Uber. He doesn't have to work tomorrow, but I do, so thats why we got it instead of being out for longer because he didnt want me to be out late. He was making small talk with the driver, and he said "it's a work night," and the driver asked "do you always work nights? [misheard my bf]" and my bf said "no, it's a work night so we gotta get back."

I feel like he allowed the driver to think HE worked tomorrow, or that we both worked tomorrow, by not adding the detail of "SHE has to work tomorrow."

It's stuff like that I tend to over think. Like a "what does this mean about his character" thing. Does anyone have any thoughts on what I just mentioned?

 

[subtlecollision]

I would say I do have affection for him. Just not all the time. Sometimes an "I love you" just wells up in my chest, and so, I say it (this would be just 4 days ago on Sunday, today is Thursday).

My brain just goes all over the place. I got hung up on "what if he's going to be a bad father?!" And I just tend to over anyze every single thing he does or says and wonder if it's a red flag or if it's just not a big deal.

Like today, for instance. Actually, if anyone sees this, I'd love an answer to this specific question also. We were out walking and long story short we needed to get an Uber. He doesn't have to work tomorrow, but I do, so thats why we got it instead of being out for longer because he didnt want me to be out late. He was making small talk with the driver, and he said "it's a work night," and the driver asked "do you always work nights? [misheard my bf]" and my bf said "no, it's a work night so we gotta get back."

I feel like he allowed the driver to think HE worked tomorrow, or that we both worked tomorrow, by not adding the detail of "SHE has to work tomorrow."

It's stuff like that I tend to over think. Like a "what does this mean about his character" thing. Does anyone have any thoughts on what I just mentioned?

Hmm, that could be more like OCD overthinking. Do you know why he didn't correct the driver? Maybe he just misheard him?

 

[jraycaen]

I would say I do have affection for him. Just not all the time. Sometimes an "I love you" just wells up in my chest, and so, I say it (this would be just 4 days ago on Sunday, today is Thursday).

My brain just goes all over the place. I got hung up on "what if he's going to be a bad father?!" And I just tend to over anyze every single thing he does or says and wonder if it's a red flag or if it's just not a big deal.

Like today, for instance. Actually, if anyone sees this, I'd love an answer to this specific question also. We were out walking and long story short we needed to get an Uber. He doesn't have to work tomorrow, but I do, so thats why we got it instead of being out for longer because he didnt want me to be out late. He was making small talk with the driver, and he said "it's a work night," and the driver asked "do you always work nights? [misheard my bf]" and my bf said "no, it's a work night so we gotta get back."

I feel like he allowed the driver to think HE worked tomorrow, or that we both worked tomorrow, by not adding the detail of "SHE has to work tomorrow."

It's stuff like that I tend to over think. Like a "what does this mean about his character" thing. Does anyone have any thoughts on what I just mentioned?

So you sound like me haha I would pay attention to things others do as well. I have OCD too. I am currently struggling with what I think is that feeling you were talking about (Its amazing someone else has my same experiences) and fear that if I go into a relationship it’s gonna be bad for me and I’ll obsess over breaking up. Been there before and broke it off after more than 1.5 yrs (though maybe for good reason). anyways, just know that I appreciate people sharing my same thoughts and it’s helpful for my situation to hear. Also I been to counseling a few times it may be a helpful thing to pray and think about doing.

 

[Mari17]

So you sound like me haha I would pay attention to things others do as well. I have OCD too. I am currently struggling with what I think is that feeling you were talking about (Its amazing someone else has my same experiences) and fear that if I go into a relationship it’s gonna be bad for me and I’ll obsess over breaking up. Been there before and broke it off after more than 1.5 yrs (though maybe for good reason). anyways, just know that I appreciate people sharing my same thoughts and it’s helpful for my situation to hear. Also I been to counseling a few times it may be a helpful thing to pray and think about doing.

Isn't it amazing how obsessions can often be similar from person to person? Do you feel like your counseling has helped you? I know that many people with OCD tend to benefit from OCD-specific therapies like ERP or ACT, but find less benefit from just regular "talk" counseling. I've never gone to therapy for my OCD, but have done a lot of online research and am happy to share links to some of the resources I've found, if you would like!

 

[EtainSkirata]

Isn't it amazing how obsessions can often be similar from person to person? Do you feel like your counseling has helped you? I know that many people with OCD tend to benefit from OCD-specific therapies like ERP or ACT, but find less benefit from just regular "talk" counseling. I've never gone to therapy for my OCD, but have done a lot of online research and am happy to share links to some of the resources I've found, if you would like!

I'd love to see the resources!