Urgent - I rather need to hear about your victories

[nowhereville]

Okay, not that I REALLY want to talk about this, but I will.

I am a long term survivor of sexual abuse (ten years) but multiple persons. The worse of which was my father who actually isolated me from every other person on earth. He, praise God is dead (he did get saved) because if he was here I think I would rip his face off.

You know I forgave him a long time ago which is what makes this anger so startling to me. We had a very strange relationship actually - he worshiped the ground I walked on and thought the sun rose and set on me. He wasn't like a lot of abusers you hear about.

At any rate.

I had a revelation on Sunday about how I didn't really build these walls - HE did - by speaking lies over me about how other people didnt really love me. Well how am I supposed to undo walls I didn't build.

And

I am SO angry.

And I am/have been struggling with suicidal idealogies. I have even set far off dates just to get a break from the pressure of it. My way of dealing with it is to set a date so I don't think about it all the time and then take on things I can do for God AFTER that date and then well, I can't very well disappoint God by checking out.

hey, I am not saying I am all "right" and all "healed" - just telling you what works for me.

All of the above is compounded (possibly started by) the fact that my closest friend's daughter has been molested pretty much parallel as my story by a family member and I have been supporting her and I see so much of myself when I look at her - she's five and she's so brave....

<sigh>

I don't even know where this going other then I feel like I am being completely crushed and I don't want to "talk" to anyone because if mention the word suicide people tend to totally freak out and call the mental health folks - which while i understand that - I don't have time for them - 1) because they always want to whip out the meds (ummm yea I self medicated for years and that doesn't work, 2) they want to pat you on the head and tell you need to learn to live at that broken level because that's as good as it gets (and YES I have had christian counselors tell me that) Excuse me ? Jesus never met anyone he couldn't heal.

I have battled this on and off my whole life - I'm still here and I haven't tried for over twenty years.

I just don't think I can deal with more weeks of feeling this way. It goes away but only after intense prayer.

I would like to be able to "talk" to people in real life, but my "story" is so wretched (even when I tone it WAY down) they tend to run away screaming waving their arms in the air, not very helpful on their part actually.

Thoughts anyone?

 

[FaithfulWife]

nowhereville~

Welcome to the Survivors of Abuse forum here on CF. As you might imagine, it's an odd group here (myself included) but we are an understanding and accepting group and we've all had our weirdness in life, so I think if nothing else we'll be listening ears who understand.

If you don't mind I'd like to share with you a little of my story. I grew up in Wisconsin--aka The Great White North--on a small farm. The town I grew up in had 89 people and we were about 2 miles from town. I am the oldest sister, and I had two younger sisters.

From the time I was about 2 or 3 my father sexually abused me in the bathtub and some other things I don't care to mention and get too graphic.. Let's just say that to this day I prefer a shower and feel a little tense in a tub! But when I was about 7yo or 8yo or so, he suddenly quit and I thought to myself at the time "Whew! Thank God that's over!" It never dawned on me to even ask my sisters about it, or to ever really speak of it because I thought it just felt creepy that's all.

My dad was an active alcoholic--went to the bar every night--and this made my mom REALLY mad. When I was about 10yo they "got saved" and things settled down for a little while, but it wasn't too long before they were right back at it--dad was drinking and mom was physically abusing us. When he was gone, she would basically torture the three of us girls from the time we got home from school. We had to stand "at attention" for hours and listen to christian radio programs, and when we got tired or said we didn't want to, she would then try to "break the evil spirits within us" by beating us with a wooden object until she was tired (usually a broom handle, brush, rolling pin, wooden spoon, or board). Once again, I don't want to get too graphic here as I don't want to trigger anyone too much. I'm sure you can understand that there was much more to it and that my goal as a child was to stay alive long enough to get out of the house.

Now...before this whole post sounds all doom-and-gloomy I posted that just so you'd know that I have some idea of where you're coming from. I've been in the trenches and just surviving is HARD! And so, from that point of view, I want to tell you about my victories.

My victories are going to be in red because that's a bold, statement color. One of my biggest victories is that I was in several years of counseling but I DID find victory over and freedom from PTSD. On the very rare occasion I will have a flashback moment, but I know how to handle them now without panic. This is a HUGE victory for me because without the counseling and with the PTSD I was effectively reliving the abuse all the time.

Another one of my HUGE victories is that I have regained my self-worth and self-esteem. Once again, it was not easy. In fact, it took me several years from beginning to end to really accept and embrace within myself that I am lovable and worthy of love. Let me rephrase that a bit. Throughout my whole lifetime I did not doubt that I was a neat person whom others could like and love. What I doubted was that I could be loved without somehow "earning" it--be loved just for EXISTING.

Another one of my HUGE victories has been finding my voice and learning how to be angry in an appropriate way and how to speak up for myself. While this may sound like "Huh? How is that a victory?" Well before I would have never spoken up or mentioned that this-or-that was not okay with me...and then anger would have built up and eventually exploded. Now, I know how to use my voice but in an appropriate way--and I have tools to express it that are respectful to the other person too!

The last, most wonderful HUGE victory is that I am in an emotionally and spiritually healthy marriage with a wonderful man. This is a victory because initially I was attracted to an abuser type of personality and now I'm not only attracted to but married to a HEALTHY partner!! I learned how to tell a healthy relationship from an unhealthy one and how to know what's a lie and what's not a lie...what's godly and what's not godly. This is a huge victory because I don't have to be with abusive people anymore and I don't have to be with others who are bad for me and harm me. I have learned about boundaries and I have a boundary around me now that means that have people in my life who build me up!

I hope my post is uplifting and helps you nowhereville. This is a good place for you and you'll be safe here. Some day you'll probably even find someone whom you can talk to and who understands your struggles.

Your true and faithful friend,


~Faithful

 

[nowhereville]

Thank you for taking so much time to reply, That's awesome.

It did give me pause to remember that God has brought me light years from where I used to be. I once told someone like five years ago - How wil lI know if God fixes me? I don't even know what is broken. I don't know what other people have that I do not. They assured me I would just know.

I too spent many years in therapy and have overcome PTSD, OCD and DID (not all together, but enough).

I think walking through this with my friend has brought up old hurts that are not healed, I just wasn't aware of at all.

I also know that I have had great victories of late and my enemy is not enjoying that at all. - Feeling wise things are "okay" in th morning and start up late in the evening. For similiar reasons I have a hard time going to bed (recently).

It's so discouraging to not have anyone to talk to isn't it? Incest is something no one wants to discuss and if you do discuss it you quickly become the red headed step child.

<sigh>

This will work for now - maybe I can do something f2f later.

Thanks again so much for your effort - I appreciate it deeply.

 

[NostalgicGranny]

Well how am I supposed to undo walls I didn't build.

Climb over them.

Granny is heading outside, grabbing the ladder and dragging it over to the wall. I'll hold the ladder you climb over the wall. The grass really is greener on the other side.

Seriously though, you didn't build the wall, it is just an obstacle in your path. Climb over it.

It IS OK to remember. It's ok to feel hurt, mad, or sad. Sometimes. It isn't ok to let it destroy you. When it gets to the point that it is destroying you again - like it or not you need to reach out to both God, and a professional here on earth. Turn it over to God, ask him to send you to the right professional, and trust that he will.

I really believe that sometimes God sends us through things not for our own sakes, but for others. This little girl is living proof of that. God wants someone to guide her through. My heart breaks for her. But, I am relieved that she isn't going to have to walk this path alone. Both the mom and the little girl need guidance.

I heard Joel Olsten (TV evangelist) talk about severe depression one night. He said when you are getting so that feeling sorry for for yourself, and it's consuming you - reach out and help someone else. It's hard to feel sorry for yourself when you are busy helping someone else.

 

[nowhereville]

I am suffering greatly from suicidal idealogies, hence my great mistrust of mental health professionals. I do not have them all the time - I have them from time to time (I used to have them all the time) I have not acted on them and do not plan to act on them. The truth is I have no control over them - they just wash over me and most likely it's a from of escape.

I can not be locked up.

I will not be medicated.

I hate that people FREAK OUT when they hear that word and want to call the authorities (and it doesn't do anything for my trust issues either).

I'm just so angry (I've never actually been angry before as my primary abusers was remorseful, apologetic and what not and I knew the family history) Dumb I know.

I'm just so suddenly and so very angry.

I just don't understand - I thought I was better then this...

 

[FaithfulWife]

You know what's funny, nowhereville (funny "odd" or "unusual" not funny "haha")?? I know that you don't know me but there are a few folks here who know me fairly well, and they could all tell you that I am the most gentle, peace-loving, mellow, easy-going person ever. Oh...things bug me now and then...a little, but not really THAT much. I'm just not easily angered really.

Yet, when I was going through my divorce and really working through and dealing with things, there were times when I was just SO MAD! I mean SO MAD!!!!!!!!!!! I mean, so angry that I scared myself because that's not the person I am--and I knew it wasn't. Now, don't get me wrong, I wasn't going around harming people or being rageful aiming it at others, but inside myself I was SEEING RED MAD!!!!!!!!!! Where was that coming from? It couldn't be me.

Anyway if you remember I was abused for years and years...decades really...and I think that for me, when I finally dealt with it and actually felt safe enough (with myself and my environment) to feel it...WOW! I had DECADES of anger built up! DEEP, deep anger and a lot of it was actually aimed at myself for not protecting myself and letting myself be abused and hurt. And yep I was SO MAD at God for giving me that life and not protecting me and for some reason putting me in the position to be so hurt (if you ever saw me, I'm like 4ft. 10in. and a little hobbit of a person). I mean...it's not like I could defend myself!

But how does someone "be mad at God"? I mean, He's GOD and He knows better (right?)...but how can it be good for me? How COULD He? And I felt like such an idiot and loser for being mad at God but it couldn't be a good thing to be mad at God so I pretended I wasn't. Well here's the truth--as I worked through it I realized that I was mad at God, so one night I took a walk and just LET IT RIPE--I held nothing back! God and I, we had a knock-down, drag-out SCUFFLE just like Jacob in the Old Testament! (Luckily for me, He didn't mess with my hip like He did with Jacob--He let me girl-flail until I was done). We got it straightened out that night.

Oh, I still felt angry at my parents for the torture and for not caring about me enough to put protect me ahead of their discomfort. I have to admit, I still struggle with that one a bit from time-to-time. I still felt angry with my ex for treating me like he did, but that's over and done with now. I still felt angry at myself for not protecting myself but even that is over now too. I had to walk all the way through it, and the anger is part of the path.

Don't be afraid. If you want I'll walk with you on this part and I won't be afraid of your anger either.


~Faithful

 

[dizzydoll]

A few things that helped me. ....Remember it has been a long process. First I had to forgive him. But the one thing the helped the most was learning who God truely is. Journaling is another thing that I use. Here I can vent my feelings and even review them when I feel strong enough to sort stuff out. Learning who I am has also been a real struggle. I have spent my entire life people pleasing to the point where ive lost me somewhere. Aproval was my idol instead of God. Another thing is asking for prayer. I have found wonderful prayer warriors here. Request specific things from people you know. Like asking for prayer for healing but you don't have to tell what for. Healing can be very painful but it does get better I promise you that so don't you dare give up. People shy away from these things because they don't know what to do with us. Often they fear our needs may be so great that they can't possibly meet them. People want to "fix" us, make things better yet feel overwhelmed. Let them know you are not asking for solutions or pity. What we really want is to be heard, to know we matter as well as to be simply accepted. And this is a wonderful place with awesome people. Dont forgt the main thing .....He will never leave or forsake you. You are loved more than you can ever imagine!
Izzy

 

[dizzydoll]

You know what's funny, nowhereville (funny "odd" or "unusual" not funny "haha")?? I know that you don't know me but there are a few folks here who know me fairly well, and they could all tell you that I am the most gentle, peace-loving, mellow, easy-going person ever. Oh...things bug me now and then...a little, but not really THAT much. I'm just not easily angered really.

Yet, when I was going through my divorce and really working through and dealing with things, there were times when I was just SO MAD! I mean SO MAD!!!!!!!!!!! I mean, so angry that I scared myself because that's not the person I am--and I knew it wasn't. Now, don't get me wrong, I wasn't going around harming people or being rageful aiming it at others, but inside myself I was SEEING RED MAD!!!!!!!!!! Where was that coming from? It couldn't be me.

Anyway if you remember I was abused for years and years...decades really...and I think that for me, when I finally dealt with it and actually felt safe enough (with myself and my environment) to feel it...WOW! I had DECADES of anger built up! DEEP, deep anger and a lot of it was actually aimed at myself for not protecting myself and letting myself be abused and hurt. And yep I was SO MAD at God for giving me that life and not protecting me and for some reason putting me in the position to be so hurt (if you ever saw me, I'm like 4ft. 10in. and a little hobbit of a person). I mean...it's not like I could defend myself!

But how does someone "be mad at God"? I mean, He's GOD and He knows better (right?)...but how can it be good for me? How COULD He? And I felt like such an idiot and loser for being mad at God but it couldn't be a good thing to be mad at God so I pretended I wasn't. Well here's the truth--as I worked through it I realized that I was mad at God, so one night I took a walk and just LET IT RIPE--I held nothing back! God and I, we had a knock-down, drag-out SCUFFLE just like Jacob in the Old Testament! (Luckily for me, He didn't mess with my hip like He did with Jacob--He let me girl-flail until I was done). We got it straightened out that night.

Oh, I still felt angry at my parents for the torture and for not caring about me enough to put protect me ahead of their discomfort. I have to admit, I still struggle with that one a bit from time-to-time. I still felt angry with my ex for treating me like he did, but that's over and done with now. I still felt angry at myself for not protecting myself but even that is over now too. I had to walk all the way through it, and the anger is part of the path.

Don't be afraid. If you want I'll walk with you on this part and I won't be afraid of your anger either.


~Faithful

I can soooo relate to you Faithful. Like you I also wresteled with God as Jacob did. MABY Someday I'l express this in a painting. But God was/is so very gacious. I'm not as angry as I used to be. The road to healing is long so hang on its a bumpy ride at times.

 

[nowhereville]

I'm not mad at God - I'm mad at my abuser. I WAS mad at God for a really long time. I did forgive my abuser but it seems to be that I forgave him for the physical stuff - not the mental stuff - like I was not aware of what he did to me, how he set me up to be totally dependent on him and never trust anyone else (nice right?).

God, unexpectedly showed me stuff on sunday about that maybe hence the anger.

Thank you so much for your replies. I had a rough night (other stuff) and overslept. I'll be back after work.

 

[NostalgicGranny]

The reason people freak out when you mention the word suicide is because of how serious that is. My brother committed suicide, so I know first hand the tragedy & turmoil that follows in the wake of a suicide.

Depression that severe could be something as simple as a chemical imbalance. Now, when you aren't feeling the urge, would be the time to seek out the answers & treatment for it. When you wouldn't be considered a danger to yourself. Then you should be able to say no to both being locked up or to being medicated.

I'll be praying for you.

 

[nowhereville]

That is actually a very excellent suggestion. I have my friend who takes her child to a counselor "pre-interviewing" a counselor she goes to. We know this woman is very sensitive (overly) to the whole suicide thing so we may pass on her (she lost a relative to suicide).

I get the seriousness of it - truly I do - I tell myself (when I need to) that children of parents who commit suicide are at great risk to repeat it. I just wish someone would HELP rather then freak out.

I did talk with my pastor today and I flat out told him - if I was really serious - I sure enough wouldn't be telling anyone. Every time I was ever serious I said NOTHING because I did not anyone to stop me. The fact that I am talking about it should indicate I am not actually serious about it.

So thank you for that suggestion it was very wise. I will be looking into that and some other things as well.

 

[NostalgicGranny]

Thank God! I am so glad you talked to someone.

The thing with everyone freaking out is that once it is done - well, it is done.

As long as you are holding on, there is hope. Hope that around the next corner there is something new, a light, or a reason to hold on. Or that with prayer God will lift this burden from you. Show you the reason you have walked done the path that you have.

Because I truly believe sometimes God allows us to walk certain paths is not always for ourselves, but for someone else who needs us desperately to pray for them or guide them along their path. Or even to pull them up and out. I pray you find the reasons you need to hold on. And that you find a life to touch that really needs you.

 

[nowhereville]

Well this hasn't been fun. I feel totally demoralized and I'm very angry that I even "went there'. I don't know why but ulitmately I always feel like the "bad guy" when I try to deal with this. I wasn't the "bad one" and I know this, but this is what it feels like. So now someone I totally respect knows the truth and while they have not said anything inappropriate or untoward, I regret ever opening my mouth.

And just where am I supposed to go from here - there are not rules - which makes me very uncomfortable.

<sigh>

And I have court today for my child hooray.

 

[Surviving]

Hello nowhereville. Welcome to the forum and well done for writing on here. It takes alot of courage to say what has happened to you.

I am a long term survivor of sexual abuse (ten years) but multiple persons. The worse of which was my father who actually isolated me from every other person on earth. He, praise God is dead (he did get saved) because if he was here I think I would rip his face off.

I am so sorry to hear what you have gone through. My thoughts are with you at the moment. I think that anger is a common feeling from people who have been abused (and I am speaking from experience). Even if you have forgiven that person, which I must say well done on. I'm not even that close yet! I feel that forgiving that person isn't going to stop you from feeling angry in the future. You never know what is around the corner, so you never know how you are going react to a situation.

I think that this revelation that you had about him building walls is one of these situations. Just when you think that you are over the worst of it, something else comes along. It is quite fresh in your mind so it leaves you feeling angry. It is something new that has come up that you haven't dealt with yet, so it is bound to trigger some emotions. You will get through it though, just like you have done with all the other situations that you have got through.

And I am/have been struggling with suicidal idealogies. I have even set far off dates just to get a break from the pressure of it. My way of dealing with it is to set a date so I don't think about it all the time and then take on things I can do for God AFTER that date and then well, I can't very well disappoint God by checking out.

If this is your way with coping what you have been through, don't worry about it. We all have our own ways of coping with things. My way of coping with things is talking to my counselor and my husband.

All of the above is compounded (possibly started by) the fact that my closest friend's daughter has been molested pretty much parallel as my story by a family member and I have been supporting her and I see so much of myself when I look at her - she's five and she's so brave....

This must be so hard for you recognising certain things that you have been through yourself. It's like you are reliving it all over again and you feel like that little child.

I have battled this on and off my whole life - I'm still here and I haven't tried for over twenty years.

Well done. This is such an achievement. Making the first step is hard, but to carry on with life dealing with situations and having thoughts like this is even harder. Temptation is so hard to resist sometimes, but you have done it. Personally, I stopped self-harming nearly 7 years ago. It has taken alot of determination, and I do think about it sometimes, but I have got there. I just think about who I would be leaving behind.

I just don't think I can deal with more weeks of feeling this way. It goes away but only after intense prayer.

You will get there. You are doing so well so far and I am really impressed with how far you have got. Prayer is good though. I must admit, I don't pray as much as I should, especially about my past or anything. I know that I should. But what I do realise is that when I do pray about certain things, it does seem alot easier.

I would like to be able to "talk" to people in real life, but my "story" is so wretched (even when I tone it WAY down) they tend to run away screaming waving their arms in the air, not very helpful on their part actually.

Thoughts anyone?

If you need to chat, you can PM me. I find that it is always good to share with people who have been through a similar situation to yourself. It makes things feel abit easier.

As for my victory. Well, I am a survivor of sexual abuse (and I am still surviving). I think that is enough victory. If anyone can go through abuse and still live to tell their story, that is a great victory. Ok, so the road is very long to recovering from something like this, but it is a worthwhile road to travel on knowing that I may meet some people along the way and touch their hearts.

Take care of yourself. I hope that whatever I have said has not hurt you in anyway. This is only my thoughts.

 

[Angeldove97]

My three greatest victories after being abused:
(1) Becoming closer to Christ and truly leaning only on Him!
(2) Falling in love with the most loving and cherishing man I have ever met--- who is truly my best friend in the world (and knowing it was by God's will we're together)
(3) Forgiving the person who abused me the most and being able to pray that God would give him a good life.

It's taken 4 years and I'm still healing--- but it feels so good

 

[nowhereville]

Ya'll have been awesome and God is good. I wish I could say that I am totally over the hump but not so much. Still doing counseling by email, but the OCD stuff has backed way down and for that I am thankfl. It is late and I need to go to bed. More later perhaps.

 

[Skeeterbug]

I was dead inside for years I did not know what love was. one night I was upset at something else and I just wanted to die. so I stood in my living room and and yelled my pain to G-d. I told him that I wanted to die and be with him that I just couldn't take the pain away anymore. I told him that I didn't know how to love him since I didn't know how to love. I was screaming, in tears and begging him to take me. a few hours later G-d started working with me and my problem was I never totally submitted myself to him and once I did he cleansed me of all the pain inside and I never cried so hard in my life as that night. it only took a few days but the feeling inside me was amazing I felt light as a bird and I have not had a problem since and that happened over 2 yrs ago and the thing is because of my abuse in the past. I had a hard time trusting even him. So my advice is to totally submit your all to him and miracles can happen

 

[nowhereville]

My pastor who is amazing (see below) has agreed to counsel me in this regard. I have come to realize the only way out of my self imposed castle is back downstairs, th rough the dungeon and out the secret path way. I'd been trying the front door for a long time only to find it that it doesn't open after all (go figure).

He is the most amazing person in that when I tell him I don't understand something he doesn't get frustrated, he find a different way to explain it and then does just that until I do understand it.

I have six days until my appointment - I made a list of questions and those are the only things we will discuss (my safety net). I'm a mix of upset (as in anxious) and expectant. I know it will not be fun but if it is the only way out - so be it.