Aiki, you're right. The more I think and the more I develop the habit of sincere prayer, the more I am realizing this. I have had some moments of prayer that were so wonderful and beautiful that they brought tears to my eyes. I feel like I have caught glimpses of God, and through these glimpses as well as through following the logic of apologists like Ravi Zacharias, I have been developing my faith in God and I feel much more grounded in this faith than I did last fall when I first posted here.
I'm glad to hear you're moving toward God as you consider the logic of the Christian faith and institute certain spiritual practices like prayer. But the logic and spiritual practices of the faith are not God Himself. It is He who is the Center, the Bottom Line, the Point, of the Christian life. You will miss entirely what Christianity is if you fail to meet directly with Him. I say all this to warn you that it is very easy to get the cart before the horse and substitute - quite innocently - the doctrines, practices and traditions of the faith for the Person all these things point to. At bottom it is not a
faith into which you should ground yourself but, rather, the One who made you and loves you with a love that surpasses understanding.
Revelation 3:20
20 Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.
And I'm realizing, as you pointed out, that faith in God means a lot more than a simple belief to be added to one's personal identity like supporting a political party or following a sports team. It's changing my entire perspective, my focus, my way of thinking and my way of seeing the world. So far the changes are inconsistent and they do not feel permanent. I'm realizing that it takes effort to sustain the change, or to develop it so thoroughly in my soul that I'm immune to the temptations of the selfish, lazy, and destructive habits I've indulged in.
See, God does not intend that
you should make the changes in yourself that
He wants to make. Like begets like. Dogs beget dogs, cats beget cats, and you beget more of
you. God's desire is not that you would be more like yourself but more like Christ: holy, faithful, righteous, just, loving, truthful, etc. But
God is the only One who can beget godliness, who can beget the character of Christ, in you. So long as you try to do for yourself what only God can do, inconsistency and impermanency will dog your steps. When God changes you, the change is natural and often so subtle and deep that you don't recognize that the changes He's making are happening. It's only looking back that you realize you are no longer who you once were. When the transformation God wants to see in us is torturous, and fraught with failure and frustration, and exhausting, it is because we are trying to do for God rather than allowing Him to do for us; we are trying to live a godly life in our
own strength which is - as we come to realize sooner or later - impossible.
I feel like learning to develop a relationship with God is a journey, and I'm happy and grateful to be on it. I'm also grateful that my wife, whom I met when I was a (deeply confused) atheist and who herself either ignores or dismisses faith and religion generally, is accepting of the changes I am trying to make in myself.
Let God make the changes He wants to make in you. Your "job," if you like, is to get out of His way, to submit, surrender, yield, follow, receive and reflect. As He enables you to do so, to die that you might truly live, the bright, shining light of Christ will blaze from you like the Sun and your life will have fulfillment and joy that nothing else can give you.
John 12:24-26
24 Most assuredly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it produces much grain.
25 He who loves his life will lose it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.
26 If anyone serves Me, let him follow Me; and where I am, there My servant will be also. If anyone serves Me, him My Father will honor.
Romans 12:1-2
1 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.
2 And be not conformed to this world: but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.
John 10:9-10
9 I am the door. If anyone enters by Me, he will be saved, and will go in and out and find pasture.
10 The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.
However, the point that you make, that if God enters our lives he is either at its center or he is not there at all--this is one that I feel is going to be a difficult issue for us when it comes to our children. I am reading a children's bible with them and talking to them about God and how we can communicate with God through prayer. I don't know how far I can go on this path before she starts getting uncomfortable. ...I do need to have a candid talk with her about this, and try to invite her on this journey too.
When sinners (and we are all sinners, young and old alike) meet their holy God, it is always uncomfortable. But it doesn't have to stay that way. We can move from the condemnation, guilt and shame of our sin to joyful communion with our Heavenly Father. The way is through Christ and his atoning work on the cross of Calvary. So, let me encourage you to endure the discomfort of talking about God and the demands He places upon us all with your children. On the far side of those discussions stands the Saviour and life.
John 17:3
3 And this is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent.
