i was given really good advice when i was first seeking God and wanting to know if He was real:
"talk to God like He is real - and really there"
it may seem kinda strange at first - but keep doing it -
I actually had something similar, but instead of it being advice it was presented as a challenge to me. You gotta understand that 'God and Jesus' were nothing more than arguments to me for a very long time. And I would use an even stronger phrase than 'It may seem kinda strange', I would have called it nothing but faith based nonsense! But strange or senseless as it seemed I took on the challenge and there was surprisingly substance to it. Up to that point in my life I was a very 'Self stressed' over thinking person, I was my own stress enemy, I thought way too much. So I was no stranger to 'Mind over matter' head games to try to reach a state of calming myself down. I've tried to think myself into happiness using a ton of psychological tricks. I've done visualizing exercises where I watch the stress leave my mind through a door in my head, I've focused on super happy places, etc.
I did not pull punches with any of these mental challenges and I wasn't about to pull punches and 'Act' like I gave into Jesus, I went all-in. The very distinct and very extraordinary, and often times very FAST reaction that came about was surreal. It had a unique flavor to it that no 'Head game' under the sun could even come close to matching, it worked head & shoulders better than anything else. There was something extra to it for sure. Was I a Christian from that day forward...NOPE. I truly might be one of the most hard headed and long running conversion stories ever.
I found reasons to do away with that 'Nonsense' and get back to partying, and get away from the 'Straight jacket' of Christianity. Now during this whole time I had known a guy who went to Bible college, he was in quite a miserable time in his life himself, he had a really straight arrow Christian wife, but he (and me) were drinking a lot. Looking back you can tell his lifestyle bothered him, he did turn himself around though (he lost a kid). Anyway, so we used to drink and argue the Bible a lot. I thought he did make some decent points on how it might be true, but I had way more objections to it not being true than I had had reasons to believe it was true. I really did enjoy the debate though. I'll also mention this...I also had some atheists since my 'Jesus Mind Games' telling me that there was literally a 'Faith Region' in the human brain that could register such a 'Religious Reaction.' Atheists could really amaze you with some of their logic, however I probably wanted it to be true at the time, I don't quite remember, but the argument was presented to me.
Anyway, I already said I was an over thinker. Well I had been doing a certain drug that made me feel great sometimes, but other times I would have a very bad and scary high that sent me into a panic mode that I wouldn't know how to explain. Yes I stressed a lot, but I was never a manic person, or bipolar, or anything such as having any kind of medical diagnosis. I just stressed a lot. When I had a bad high I actually tasted a sample size of how a person might have a nervous breakdown. In my circle of friends I was actually known as the person who had the worst bad highs ever! But, as young and stupid as I was, the move wasn't to quit doing the drug, the move was to 'Mature' passed my paranoia lol. To become better with drugs lol. Alas, one of the scariest days of my life happened, it was the next day, I knew that the drug had worn off for many hours, and I STILL had the panic mode in me! Up until that point the one thing I could always count on was that I knew my bad highs expired when the drug wore off. Well this was scary uncharted waters for me, the drug had worn off, but the panic mode still remained. Well, THAT was it, I was DONE! The scary panic mode actually followed me into my sober life, that realization freaked me out so much.
Fast forward to not that long after, I was drunk and found myself in a situation where the drug was presented to me but this time it was in a more concentrated form, a more potent option than I had ever had. I actually was hesitant but gave in. I ruined people's night afterwards, I was a 'Buzz Kill.' I was literally shaking as if it was 10 degrees in the house. Someone drove me home. My bedroom was on the 3rd floor at the time so I was separated from my family. I paced the hallway all night long. Sleep was not even close to an option. It was now literally passed noon. Here I go again, I know that the drug effect was over, yet I am NOW (after the high wore off), in the worst panic state of my life, much worse than the prior time, WAY worse. It was very simple I was inches away from having a nervous breakdown.
During the course of the entire night I tried talking myself down in a thousand ways...prayer did not cross my mind, not only was it only a 'Maybe True at best' for me, but it had been thrown in the backseat for awhile now. I was the biggest Michael Jordan fan in the world and there was a live playoff game going on, and there was a TV in my room (NBA playoff game, that's how much time had passed since the night before, usually my high is gone after a few hours). The game, which would normal make me extremely happy, had absolutely zero effect, the TV may as well have been turned off. I started thinking about running to my local hospital, wondering if they could put me under, if I did not somehow fall asleep I did not stand a chance. At this moment (pacing the hallway the entire time), I said to myself "Hmm, how about the Jesus thing?" I hopped on the bed and Prayed (I will point out that I prayed to, and said 'JESUS' in this prayer several times).
I almost don't know how to find the words to explain this next part, in LESS THAN 30 SECONDS from the beginning of the prayer I had switched into my current state of being moments away from a nervous breakdown into the most peaceful state I've ever been in in my life! I felt like a kid who had a crush on a girl for years and just found out that she liked him too. I had a pins & needles 'Floating on air' feeling all throughout my chest and it felt like it was spilling into my limbs. Just imagine the greatest innocent natural high of your life, that was the state I was in...30 seconds earlier I was about to have a nervous breakdown. I remained in the bed for hours, I just laid there basking in the feeling, and occasionally saying to myself "How on Earth is this possible??? It has to be real!!!"
That game I referred to in the beginning, it was that feeling, but it was that feeling on a level 100 times more powerful...and never again did I ever experience anything even remotely that powerful again. That was 20 years ago. That is what makes me say to people sometimes that I literally witnessed a miracle in my life (so if anyone, I am without excuse). Some people might argue that only a chair moving across a room by itself or something like that is a miracle, well that was a miracle in my book!
So, was I a Christian from that day forward? Nope lol. I told you how hard headed I am. However, after that day, even in the height of me wanting nothing to do with the Bible I was never able to ignore what had happened that day. Not only that I am absolutely sold (after years) on historical Jesus confirming the Biblical Jesus. Even when I wanted nothing to do with the Bible you might figure that I would side with skeptics when I found myself in the middle of a historical Jesus argument, right? I couldn't do it, I always recognized what the skeptic was not taking into account. I would say that 99% of people never get a miracle, or reach an intellectual tipping point (most convert for other reasons). Let alone both, I got both. It baffles me how much revelation God has given to me!! I think it's because God knows how drastic of a natural skeptic I am, so he laid it on thick for me. Just my opinion.
I just wanted to point a couple things out. #1 praying to Jesus was me grasping at straws. My prayer to Jesus was probably my 100th idea that I had that day to calm myself down. #2 i did not really believe Christianity, my belief was a maybe at best. In fact that moment itself had become one of my best pieces of evidence that Jesus was real...actually it was THE best piece of evidence. So that a psychologist could never make any kind of 'Mind Over Matter' argument to me about that day.
I'm also impressed by your understanding of many of the blessings and benefits that come along with being part of the church and being a Christian.
