Okay I've been married for 4 years now and my wife and I have been together for 5 years now. I'm in a toxic marriage and quite frankly I don't know what to do. I don't want to get a divorce because I made a life long commitment to her and besides, I think I'm the problem so why would I get a divorce from somebody where I'm the problem? Why is our marriage toxic? Several reasons. She's constantly bringing up things I did on the past. In the past, I admit I did not treat her right. See, I'm bipolar and I wasn't medicated when we met and for several years prior to that. So there was a lot of trust and abandonment issues back then. I've broken up with her several times during the first year of our relationship only to take her back again. I've constantly broken off our engagement only to take her back again. I used to be afraid of her constantly and we fought like almost all the time. Why we even agreed to get married was a complete mystery to both of us. It was like God had chosen us as a couple to be together. I mean I loved her deeply and she loved me but we definitely were a toxic couple and most people would not have made a lifelong commitment to somebody like that. I was bad, she was bad and it's just a mystery of God why we're even together. But she's stayed through with me to it all. She's dealt with all of my crap. She's always been constantly faithful to me even during my psychotic episodes where I'm not myself and I don't know what's going on. Just... I thought we were extremely faithful to each other. I mean, we've never cheated on each other so... why?
One of those episodes was a pretty big one. It was about 3 years ago. I remember parts of it but most of it I don't remember. What I do remember about it was that I almost killed her one night when I had not slept for many weeks on end. If our dog had not intervened and attacked me I probably would have killed her. So I was sent away to a mental hospital for a little over a week to get better. Never in my life had I wanted to go to a mental hospital but I was sent there against my will because I was getting really, really bad. It got to the point where I believed my mother was God and that I had divine powers and could cleanse hell so that it would not be such a bad place for people to go to. I had also tried to escape from the hospital on numerous occasions. The episode lasted for a little over a month. After I got better I was mad at my wife for sending me away because when we were dating I made her promise to never send me away (It's a long complicated story but one of my ex girlfriends was constantly in and out of mental hospitals and told me horrible stories about what they did to her.) But I realized after a while that my family really had no choice. Plus, they didn't really treat me badly at the hospital at all. Most of the staff was really kind to me. Even on the numerous times I tried to escape lol. Anyway, I was just so massively out of control and That episode was an extreme wake up call for me and I've been medicated ever since. I mean that whole episode happened because I wasn't taking my meds for a 3-4 year long period.
Since being medicated I thought I treated her a lot better. But, apparently this isn't the case. She keeps bringing up the past and saying that I constantly cuss in front of her (Which is true, it's a sin I'm battling against daily). That I'm extremely rude and arrogant, that I keep telling her what to do, and that I almost never want to have sex with her and that she's sexually frustrated all the time.
I don't know why I don't want to have sex with her. But that's a whole other topic that I could talk about for days. Anyway, I want to change. I'm supposed to be a Godly person who treats his wife properly but apparently I don't and I keep failing every 3 seconds. I can hear God pushing me to never give up but honestly? I feel like giving up. I've mostly given up on life and I just waste my days away waiting for the day when I can finally be with God and be happy beyond my wildest dreams.
I mean back when we first got married we promised to each other that we would be married for life and that we would never divorce each other. We didn't believe in divorce. I meant it and ALWAYS meant it. I knew she treated me badly but I wanted to be married to her for the rest of my life because I loved her and loved her for over a year at that point. But lately? She's been saying that she's open to getting a divorce and her story changed. She said she would never remarry but she said that if we keep treating each other this way or that if I treat her badly enough that she would divorce me. I honestly don't know what changed over the last four years. I mean, I got married in the eyes of God and promised God that I would be married and faithful to this woman for the rest of my life. I've kept that promise for over 5 years now. I don't know why all of a sudden she's backing out on what we promised to God and to the Judge that married us.
I don't know if it's because of me being bipolar and apparently treating her like crap. Or if she's just honestly sick of me. I mean, we stopped arguing for the most part and in my eyes I treat her a lot better now than I did before. But why does she constantly bring up my past and things that I did to her almost 5 years ago when I wasn't medicated?
And I put up with a lot of her crap too. Like constantly bringing up past sins that God has forgiven over 2,000 years ago. God doesn't hold my sins against me anymore so why should she? She never cleans or does almost literally anything for me or for God. She just sits on her behind in front of a computer and TV screen literally wasting both of our lives away. Whenever I bring up that I want to start living for God she scoffs at me (And she's apparently been a believer her entire life). Whenever I ask her to read the bible with me she says no. Or when I ask her to spend literally 15 minutes out of her life to talk to God. Nope can't do that. It infuriates me! I'm getting sick and tired of living in a pigpen that nobody wants to visit and that reeks 99.9% of the time. I complained the other week when I walked into our bedroom that it reeked EXTREMELY and she was like "That's because there's a bathroom in our bedroom" and I was like "No Jeanette that's body odor and garbage and because you haven't did our laundry in over 2 weeks or washed our bedding in over a year and because you haven't cleaned this place in literally 5 years." And then she was like "I don't know why I don't notice it then." and I was like "That's because we LIVE in it every freaking day!" I almost NEVER complain that we live in a pigstye despite it bothering me each and everyday. She always constantly brings up excuses of "Well my parents never made me clean and we always lived worse than this." Honestly I doubt it? And if we did so what? You're supposed to be respecting me and doing what I ask you to do. Instead of being so... idk! Insubordinate!
I mean despite all of that crap? I still want to be married to her. I don't want to divorce her and I deal with it. Yet she can't deal with me being bipolar? And stuff that I did to her so long ago? Let me deal with it when I have to stand before God and give an account to him for everything that I did to her and that I did to the entire world in my lifetime! Let me be massively ashamed THEN.
I really hope this thread doesn't get deleted and I really hope my wife logs on and reads it and knows how I truly feel because honestly? I can't talk to her anymore without her blowing up in my face. But she hasn't been an active member of CF in years despite me constantly asking her to at least spend time with other Christians like God commanded us to do and like we should be doing as Christians. It just sounds to me like she's suffering from depression. But of course, she will never take medicine for it. Yet, I'm expected to force myself to take crazy pills twice a day and say nothing about it.
I've tried going to God with this and I've seen changes in my life. But apparently these changes are not good enough for my wife who didn't know the kind of person I was before I met her and before I came to God. If she knew who I was before she probably would have stayed FAR away from me. See! I can't even tell her about my PAST and about how I feel! It's like I'm married to a mane-quin! I've been faithful, I've been trying to change but It's like she won't even LET me change. Or give time for God to change me. But then again the same could be said for me. I should be patient in waiting for God to change her. You guys have told me that and I've been really trying to wait. But, if something isn't done soon this marriage will probably be over and it'll be all my fault!
