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Featured Stuck in a toxic marriage and I don't know what to do.

Discussion in 'Christian Advice' started by Neostarwcc, Aug 19, 2019.

  1. Neostarwcc

    Neostarwcc Eternal life is a free gift. Amen. Supporter

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    Okay I've been married for 4 years now and my wife and I have been together for 5 years now. I'm in a toxic marriage and quite frankly I don't know what to do. I don't want to get a divorce because I made a life long commitment to her and besides, I think I'm the problem so why would I get a divorce from somebody where I'm the problem? Why is our marriage toxic? Several reasons. She's constantly bringing up things I did on the past. In the past, I admit I did not treat her right. See, I'm bipolar and I wasn't medicated when we met and for several years prior to that. So there was a lot of trust and abandonment issues back then. I've broken up with her several times during the first year of our relationship only to take her back again. I've constantly broken off our engagement only to take her back again. I used to be afraid of her constantly and we fought like almost all the time. Why we even agreed to get married was a complete mystery to both of us. It was like God had chosen us as a couple to be together. I mean I loved her deeply and she loved me but we definitely were a toxic couple and most people would not have made a lifelong commitment to somebody like that. I was bad, she was bad and it's just a mystery of God why we're even together. But she's stayed through with me to it all. She's dealt with all of my crap. She's always been constantly faithful to me even during my psychotic episodes where I'm not myself and I don't know what's going on. Just... I thought we were extremely faithful to each other. I mean, we've never cheated on each other so... why?

    One of those episodes was a pretty big one. It was about 3 years ago. I remember parts of it but most of it I don't remember. What I do remember about it was that I almost killed her one night when I had not slept for many weeks on end. If our dog had not intervened and attacked me I probably would have killed her. So I was sent away to a mental hospital for a little over a week to get better. Never in my life had I wanted to go to a mental hospital but I was sent there against my will because I was getting really, really bad. It got to the point where I believed my mother was God and that I had divine powers and could cleanse hell so that it would not be such a bad place for people to go to. I had also tried to escape from the hospital on numerous occasions. The episode lasted for a little over a month. After I got better I was mad at my wife for sending me away because when we were dating I made her promise to never send me away (It's a long complicated story but one of my ex girlfriends was constantly in and out of mental hospitals and told me horrible stories about what they did to her.) But I realized after a while that my family really had no choice. Plus, they didn't really treat me badly at the hospital at all. Most of the staff was really kind to me. Even on the numerous times I tried to escape lol. Anyway, I was just so massively out of control and That episode was an extreme wake up call for me and I've been medicated ever since. I mean that whole episode happened because I wasn't taking my meds for a 3-4 year long period.

    Since being medicated I thought I treated her a lot better. But, apparently this isn't the case. She keeps bringing up the past and saying that I constantly cuss in front of her (Which is true, it's a sin I'm battling against daily). That I'm extremely rude and arrogant, that I keep telling her what to do, and that I almost never want to have sex with her and that she's sexually frustrated all the time.

    I don't know why I don't want to have sex with her. But that's a whole other topic that I could talk about for days. Anyway, I want to change. I'm supposed to be a Godly person who treats his wife properly but apparently I don't and I keep failing every 3 seconds. I can hear God pushing me to never give up but honestly? I feel like giving up. I've mostly given up on life and I just waste my days away waiting for the day when I can finally be with God and be happy beyond my wildest dreams.

    I mean back when we first got married we promised to each other that we would be married for life and that we would never divorce each other. We didn't believe in divorce. I meant it and ALWAYS meant it. I knew she treated me badly but I wanted to be married to her for the rest of my life because I loved her and loved her for over a year at that point. But lately? She's been saying that she's open to getting a divorce and her story changed. She said she would never remarry but she said that if we keep treating each other this way or that if I treat her badly enough that she would divorce me. I honestly don't know what changed over the last four years. I mean, I got married in the eyes of God and promised God that I would be married and faithful to this woman for the rest of my life. I've kept that promise for over 5 years now. I don't know why all of a sudden she's backing out on what we promised to God and to the Judge that married us.

    I don't know if it's because of me being bipolar and apparently treating her like crap. Or if she's just honestly sick of me. I mean, we stopped arguing for the most part and in my eyes I treat her a lot better now than I did before. But why does she constantly bring up my past and things that I did to her almost 5 years ago when I wasn't medicated?

    And I put up with a lot of her crap too. Like constantly bringing up past sins that God has forgiven over 2,000 years ago. God doesn't hold my sins against me anymore so why should she? She never cleans or does almost literally anything for me or for God. She just sits on her behind in front of a computer and TV screen literally wasting both of our lives away. Whenever I bring up that I want to start living for God she scoffs at me (And she's apparently been a believer her entire life). Whenever I ask her to read the bible with me she says no. Or when I ask her to spend literally 15 minutes out of her life to talk to God. Nope can't do that. It infuriates me! I'm getting sick and tired of living in a pigpen that nobody wants to visit and that reeks 99.9% of the time. I complained the other week when I walked into our bedroom that it reeked EXTREMELY and she was like "That's because there's a bathroom in our bedroom" and I was like "No Jeanette that's body odor and garbage and because you haven't did our laundry in over 2 weeks or washed our bedding in over a year and because you haven't cleaned this place in literally 5 years." And then she was like "I don't know why I don't notice it then." and I was like "That's because we LIVE in it every freaking day!" I almost NEVER complain that we live in a pigstye despite it bothering me each and everyday. She always constantly brings up excuses of "Well my parents never made me clean and we always lived worse than this." Honestly I doubt it? And if we did so what? You're supposed to be respecting me and doing what I ask you to do. Instead of being so... idk! Insubordinate!

    I mean despite all of that crap? I still want to be married to her. I don't want to divorce her and I deal with it. Yet she can't deal with me being bipolar? And stuff that I did to her so long ago? Let me deal with it when I have to stand before God and give an account to him for everything that I did to her and that I did to the entire world in my lifetime! Let me be massively ashamed THEN.

    I really hope this thread doesn't get deleted and I really hope my wife logs on and reads it and knows how I truly feel because honestly? I can't talk to her anymore without her blowing up in my face. But she hasn't been an active member of CF in years despite me constantly asking her to at least spend time with other Christians like God commanded us to do and like we should be doing as Christians. It just sounds to me like she's suffering from depression. But of course, she will never take medicine for it. Yet, I'm expected to force myself to take crazy pills twice a day and say nothing about it.

    I've tried going to God with this and I've seen changes in my life. But apparently these changes are not good enough for my wife who didn't know the kind of person I was before I met her and before I came to God. If she knew who I was before she probably would have stayed FAR away from me. See! I can't even tell her about my PAST and about how I feel! It's like I'm married to a mane-quin! I've been faithful, I've been trying to change but It's like she won't even LET me change. Or give time for God to change me. But then again the same could be said for me. I should be patient in waiting for God to change her. You guys have told me that and I've been really trying to wait. But, if something isn't done soon this marriage will probably be over and it'll be all my fault!
     
    Last edited: Aug 19, 2019
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  2. A. Sinner

    A. Sinner New Member

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    You tried to kill her and she stuck around? You should be kissing and washing her feet with hyssop oil.
     
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  3. Albion

    Albion Facilitator

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    You could wait for God to intervene, but honestly, this sounds like a situation that calls for a competent counselor and probably someone who knows about managing a home.

    Beyond that, or in preparation for that, I would suggest putting all your grievances aside (valid as they may be) and tell her that you now realize that her complaints make sense, so you are willing to commit yourself to turning things around--with her help.

    If all of that doesn't move her in any way, there may be too much to overcome.
     
  4. Neostarwcc

    Neostarwcc Eternal life is a free gift. Amen. Supporter

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    I do. But honestly she stuck around because I wasn't myself and didn't know what was going on. From what I remember I believed that she was the devil or one of the devils angels or something and I tried to beat her to a pulp basically. From what the people told me at the hospital they said I could have killed her had the dog not stopped me. I had completely lost it that episode. And like I said, it was my fault. If I took my meds for 4 years prior that episode probably would not have happened. Or maybe it would have because I still kind of lose myself a little bit during episodes. But honestly? It wouldn't have been as bad or lasted as long and I probably wouldn't have needed to be hospitalized for a week and a half.
     
  5. Neostarwcc

    Neostarwcc Eternal life is a free gift. Amen. Supporter

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    I see a therapist once a month. I could bring this up to her but I don't know if my wife would even want to talk about it with a therapist and I'm afraid of my therapist judging me or not understanding that I want to remain dedicated to my wife for life. This world is very pro divorce and very anti Godly. They can't understand why a person would want to be stuck in a toxic relationship for the rest of their life. Apparently from what I've read in articles on the subject say that a toxic relationship cannot be changed and it's basically not worth your time trying and you should get divorced now instead of later. They don't understand that I made a commitment to God when I got married. I mean, I've brought up to her that I'm a Christian before but she just basically was like "Everybody has a right to their own religion." So... yeah she probably wouldn't understand. I think when Jeanette and I first got married I brought up to another therapist how we treated each other and she suggested we get a divorce. And I was like "But we haven't even been married a month" and she basically was like "So?". I didn't agree with it at all.
     
  6. bmjackson

    bmjackson Newbie

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    It sounds to me like you need to seperate and each get help in order to start building up trust beween yourselves. If she is done with the marriage though, that's it. You will have to accept it.
     
  7. Albion

    Albion Facilitator

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    I guessed that you have a therapist, but my thinking was that you need a marriage counselor and, of course, preferably a Christian one.

    The focus has to be--and I think you would want it to be--on the both of you jointly as husband and wife, not primarily on psychological problems you have experienced yourself.
     
  8. Gracia Singh

    Gracia Singh Newbie Supporter

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    There is no such thing as a toxic marriage. A marriage might be technically invalid (a second or third invalid marriage, or accidentally marrying a relative), but apart from that, marriage is marriage.

    I would suggest counseling for yourself, friend, spiritual counseling. Christian counseling. I have had incredible issues in my own marriage. Been married ten, almost eleven years. It's tough.

    It's tough to stay put. It's tough to live with someone, and to live with yourself. Get yourself a good, Godly, wise, patient Christian counselor. I think you need that right now. She probably does, too.
     
  9. pdudgeon

    pdudgeon Traditional Catholic

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    I'll go one step further.
    1. Write a list of all the complaints that you've told us about here.

    2. Start with the first complaint on your list. If it's a chore, then ask God to give you the strength to do that chore for a week without complaining about it. If all goes well, do it again because you love her.

    3. If it's a behavior of your wife that you don't like, pray for her.

    do these things not to show her up, but as a gift of thanks for her putting up with your problems.

    4. Bring her flowers.
    5. Take her out to eat.
    6. Be kind to her.

    try this for a month, and then see if there is any difference in your wife's behavior or attitude.

    And lastly remember that marriage does not work when each person gives 50% of their time and effort to making that marriage work. That's why "meeting the other person half way" will always fail.

    If you want a marriage to work, you have to give 100%.
    And so does your spouse.
    When they love you and feel loved by you, that's when work turns into a gift.
    And giving your spouse gifts can really be fun.:oldthumbsup:
     
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  10. Brian Mcnamee

    Brian Mcnamee Well-Known Member

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    Hi you seem to think that this knot can be untied if she just understood where you are at and got over the past. Unfortunately you have neglected her and also abused her. She needs to be won over like anew. I think you should apologize and admit that you have not fulfilled your roles and have had difficulty. Do not make excuses for your behavior and do not bring up the things she is doing wrong. You can only fix this by manning up and realizing that a block of ice does not melt the second you put it in the sun. You may see her ready to divorce you and are really thinking only of yourself anyways. If you really want to love her as a wife you need to be her friend 1st. Help her to grow and encourage her in the things she is interested in. you need to research how bipolar people can manage the condition and see the books on how to live with one. You need to put yourself in her shoes a bit and start the healing process. You are at the end of her rope and you can sense it. You need to get in a prayer group and have a strong Christian guy hold you accountable. Dont expect to fix this overnight. As far as sex goes that is your business but tender affection scores a lot of points too. You can put on some soft music light a candle and give her a 20 minute foot rub. This is attentions and affection and is a selfless thing to do. you can fill up her car with gas as a surprise and start giving her little notes to find. Be in prayer and walk in the power of teh Holy Spirit. Share Bible studies with her and dont preach at her. Start taking charge and don't give up if you do not see an immediate change in her.
     
  11. Neostarwcc

    Neostarwcc Eternal life is a free gift. Amen. Supporter

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    Oh. Idk if one of those exist around here. We kind of live in the middle of nowhere and are lucky to have a psychiatrist and some therapists. But maybe I could bring it up to a pastor and we could get marriage counseling from him and see what he thinks. We have a lot of churches in our area we just haven't been going to church for a while (forgot to put that in my OP). Mostly because of me. I've been depressed lately myself and haven't wanted to go and meet other people in person. She keeps bringing up that she wants to attend church and misses it from when she used to go to Catholic church with her family and maybe that's a way she can grow closer to God and spend time with other believers...etc. It sounds like a good idea actually.

    My parents are giving us a loan for a car pretty soon. So we will be able to get around and find a church much easier than me asking mom to drive us to service an hour earlier than her service (She's Catholic too).
     
  12. Gracia Singh

    Gracia Singh Newbie Supporter

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    Get yourselves to Church. Let her go to Mass, and go with her. I think that would be really good for both of you. You can't go up for communion, but can worship, enjoy the liturgy, pray, and be with other Christians.
     
  13. A_Thinker

    A_Thinker Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Your wife has been through a lot.

    You're going to have to give her some time ... and tenderness ... for her to come back to normal living. She sounds kind of zoned out right now. I don't blame her. Pray for God to heal her.

    She needs some pampering ... and just to have the chance to breathe deeply ... without life jumping off the chain.

    Think in terms of all that she's been through ... by hanging in there with you. Slowly try to make it up to her. It's going to take time. She's dealt with the prior situation for years. It very well may take years to undo it ...
     
    Last edited: Aug 19, 2019
  14. A_Thinker

    A_Thinker Well-Known Member Supporter

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    And you need to stay on top of whatever it takes for you to stay healthy.

    Take your med's, ... get regular exercise, eat right, maybe get a hobby.

    If you feel yourself slipping, ... you need to take steps to separate yourself from your wife. As a husband, you are the one responsible for your wife's well-being. You need to do whatever it takes ... to keep her safe ...
     
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  15. Neostarwcc

    Neostarwcc Eternal life is a free gift. Amen. Supporter

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    I think it's something we both have to fix. Did I treat her badly in the past? Yes. I did. There should be no excuse. Even me not taking my meds shouldn't be an excuse. I mean back then I claimed to live for God but NONE of my actions were Godly. I even thought that I was following God by not taking my meds. Idk... it's just stupid. But she's treated me badly too and it's going to take time for that wound to heal too. Like constantly bringing up stuff I did to her so long ago. We should be forgiving each other and moving on with our lives and acting in love and moving on in our marriage. True we haven't argued much lately but that's just because I've let tons of stuff slide.

    Every marriage has problems but it seems like our marriage just has SO many problems and it's like we don't even love each other at all. I know we do. But it just seems that way.
     
  16. Neostarwcc

    Neostarwcc Eternal life is a free gift. Amen. Supporter

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    Maybe I can go for a walk or something. People have suggested that to me before. But you're right we should both treat each other better. Oh one thing I forgot to mention in the OP. We're together 24 hours a day seven days a week. I'm on disability and she hasn't worked since we were dating. So we're together ALL the time. That's not good for a marriage either. So maybe distancing from each other for a while isn't a bad idea. She's going to Ohio in October to visit her family for a week so that will give us plenty of time to be apart for a while because honestly we haven't been apart since I was in the hospital for a week and a half.
     
  17. A_Thinker

    A_Thinker Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Can't you see that she's afraid (of all that stuff coming back) ???

    You're going to have to give her some time ... so that God can heal her fear ...
     
  18. A_Thinker

    A_Thinker Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Wow ... the trip will probably do her a lot of good ...
     
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  19. Neostarwcc

    Neostarwcc Eternal life is a free gift. Amen. Supporter

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    Do you mind if I PM you then since you've been through this before? I guess I just call it toxic because the world would definitely view our marriage and unity as toxic. Especially at the very beginning of our relationship when we were fighting constantly and not treating each other right. It wasn't love at all. We loved each other, yes. We loved each other enough to make a lifelong commitment to each other but it's like... idk. Like I said to someone else here I can probably bring this up to a pastor and get counseling from him.
     
  20. LaBèlla

    LaBèlla ❣️ His little lady ❣️ Supporter

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    It takes immense grace and trust to remain with someone who tried to kill you. Most would have fled to safety and required a period of separation for mutual healing. Being saved by the dog would bring untold emotional damage.

    She held her life in her hands at that moment. I don’t know if you’d ever get over the experience. But God would give you the grace to survive it.

    This is such a grievous breach that unless you’ve experienced the same you can’t fathom the depth of pain and fear it creates. This is a long road to recovery.
     
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