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Featured Stuck in a toxic marriage and I don't know what to do.

Discussion in 'Christian Advice' started by Neostarwcc, Aug 19, 2019.

  1. Neostarwcc

    Neostarwcc Eternal life is a free gift. Amen. Supporter

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    Yeah she hasn't seen her family in almost 4 years since they live in Ohio and we live in New York and have no car. Her sister is picking her up and dropping her off (She lives in Massachusetts). Back when my wife lived in Massachusetts with her sister I don't think she saw her family much then either.
     
  2. Gracia Singh

    Gracia Singh Newbie Supporter

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    Sure, Neo, send me a pm. I'll get back to you soon as I can.
     
  3. Neostarwcc

    Neostarwcc Eternal life is a free gift. Amen. Supporter

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    Honestly? I'm still not over it. I've never really forgiven myself for not taking my meds and thinking that God would heal me from my problems. I was just listening to preachers who would say "You don't need medicine! All you need is Jesus and he will heal you!" Obviously God will not heal me and I have to go through life with my mental illness.

    But like I said, If I took my meds the attack probably never would have happened and I never would have had to be hospitalized. I mean, I do still lose myself during episodes but not quite as badly as before. That was REALLY bad and honestly I've never forgiven myself.

    I think the only reason she stuck with me and was willing to take care of me throughout that whole month and from every episode since was because she knew that I was not in control of my actions and that it was not really me in there. Now had I done that on purpose of course she would have left me and honestly? I wouldn't have blamed her. But because I have a mental illness and am sometimes not in control of my own actions. Honestly I would kind of resent her if she left me because of that.

    I mean in today's world people would leave in a second. They basically told her to leave me when it happened because I was a danger to myself and others and because there was a risk that she might get seriously hurt or worse from being with me. Especially if I continued to not take my meds. Idk... I commend her for that. But like I said, I still haven't forgiven myself.
     
  4. Neostarwcc

    Neostarwcc Eternal life is a free gift. Amen. Supporter

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    Okay will do. I'll type it up now. No rush in replying to it. I realize that many times people are busy. I'm going to be a little busy today too.
     
  5. A_Thinker

    A_Thinker Well-Known Member Supporter

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    This was a mistake in judgment. You listened to the wrong people. Forgive yourself for that.

    In the meantime, be as responsive as you can to your wife's needs. Her spirit is trying to heal. Her desire to attend church somewhere is very important. See if you can work it out so that she can (with you or without you).

    Unfortunately, your illness has been the dominant dynamic in your household for many years. Your wife needs a break from that ... and she is seeking to be nurtured back to wholeness.

    Be patient. Be supportive. Be there for your wife ... like she's been there for you ...
     
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  6. Neostarwcc

    Neostarwcc Eternal life is a free gift. Amen. Supporter

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    I know I should let it go. Had that not happened I probably still would not be taking meds and could have had an even worse episode. I've had like 2-3 episodes since then. I get them about once a year.

    Anyway my wife has read my OP and said I and the hospital exaggerated what really happened. Apparently I only hit her twice and I was going to swing again and our dog stopped me. So it was domestic violence at the very least.

    I mean I remember hitting her multiple times with the intention of hurting her very badly but I trust that my wife remembers the situation better than I do.

    I try to be there for her. That's why I thought that I've changed over the years. I've tried to be committed to her and to love her. I need to work on my cussing since I cuss like a sailor and really I should be respectful towards my wife and to God and not say the f word and various other words in front of her and to God. I should not be such a potty mouth and learn to respect her more.
     
  7. Anguspure

    Anguspure Kaitiaki Peacemakers NZ Supporter

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    My wife wanted to do that. I resisted in the hope that she would want to rebuild. Now I am alone and unloved and my children are raised in a broken home. How that is better than 2 people working towards one another is beyond me.
     
  8. Greengardener

    Greengardener for love is of God Supporter

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    You've had good answers here, and I hope they are helpful to you. I can imagine several of the people who took time to write are also taking time to pray.

    The only thing I can add is that it's not just woman's work to clean the home you share or do the laundry. If it's dirty, clean it. Rags and cleaning stuff make a home a much nicer place. If you do her laundry, it might be good to humbly ask her for any special instructions because sometimes certain items get messed up with automatic washing and drying. I know that because the hubby and kids have messed up a few items over the years with their good intentions. Don't know how to clean or run the washer? You can google almost anything these days. Or ask here - I'm sure we'd be glad to share our tips.

    I hope for much good to come out of this situation for you and this special woman.
     
  9. Charles Kanyuga

    Charles Kanyuga New Member

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    Stuck in a toxic marriage and I don't know what to do.
    By toxic I am made to think that you are not enjoying it. As you well admitted the problem is with you.
    I would like to think that relationships work because we are will to work on them and because we believe in them. Your wife albeit all your weakness has stuck with you, she shows a spirit of endurance and believes in "till death do us part." Love is hard but it all you need and must give. In fact Paul in the Epistle to the Ephesians and Colossians exhorts the husband to provide cleansing in the marriage through love "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless."
    You as the husband has the mandate and authority to bring cleansing to your toxic marriage. All I am saying is that as Jesus is responsible for the purity of the church, be also responsible for purity of your family and marriage. Its demanding especially because you must sacrifice your pride and ego for your wife to believe, conform and submit to you. Look at Jesus' benchmarking and you will not fail. If the marriage would fail its because we never did enough to keep it as holy as God apportioned it to be. And if you believe in God you know that he works through the principle of family... or do you not know that Satan firstly opposed this principle and is to date.
    Love your wife and she will submit and you will enjoy your marriage.
     
  10. Aussie Pete

    Aussie Pete Well-Known Member Supporter

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    I can't imagine how hard this is for you both. I do know that unforgiveness is one of the leading causes of marriage breakup. There is an article on my website that deals with unforgiveness. I did not write it (mostly it is the late Pastor of our fellowship's work) but I can promise you that it works. You can find it on Christian Life Frankston (just search for it) and in the "Living Word" section. You both need to read it. You could also listen to Mark Gungor on marriage. He is amazing and very funny as well.

    If you are suffering from unforgiveness it will stifle your spiritual growth - both of you. It has to be dealt with the sooner the better. Oh, and forgiving means forgetting. No more dredging up the past.
     
  11. Neostarwcc

    Neostarwcc Eternal life is a free gift. Amen. Supporter

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    I agree. Marriage is a commitment to God to be married for life. If a couple gets divorced than it's going against that promise and it just says to God that our commitment and promises meant nothing and were just empty words. Which is half of why I'm broken. It takes two people to keep going on in a marriage and if one party says "I want a divorce" what can the other party do but go along with it? We can fight for our marriage until the cows come home but if a person wants a divorce than there's really nothing we can do. Especially when you don't need the other persons signature anymore. How stupid is that! I mean most men (and women but lets face it it's mostly women who leave their husbands) who don't want to give in to divorce would sign anyway because they love their spouse and want their spouse to be happy so why allow somebody to get divorced regardless of their own will? So why remove a persons right to refuse to sign and want to continue on in the marriage? The only reason that I can think of where this would be applicable is if a person is in a physically abusive relationship and they've given them multiple changes to change and improve. According to many people a person who is physically abusive will never stop. So I guess if a person is getting raped or beaten all the time than they have a right to leave that person.

    IF my wife ever wanted a divorce I'd probably go along with it so she can be happy. I'd probably ask why at first and if she gives good reasons than obviously I would give her what she wants. After all, what could I say or do? If she gives really crappy reasons I probably will say no and resent her for a while when she goes along with the divorce anyway.

    Idk I'm just a strong person on marriage and staying married. Especially when you've already committed to your spouse and to God that you would remain with that person for the rest of your life. But then again I'm against abortion too and many other evils of this world. We've all forgotten about God and it's just sad.
     
  12. Sparagmos

    Sparagmos Well-Known Member

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    Most people would never be able to trust someone who tried to kill them. That’s not something that can really be left in the past, because the trauma stays with you.

    Why are you expecting your wife to do the cleaning and laundry? Why are you living in a pigpen instead of cleaning it up yourself? Why do you say that she is insubordinate if she doesn’t do what you want?

    It sounds like you are still abusing your wife. If you want to save the marriage, you’ll need to get a lot of marriage counseling and she'll need a lot of individual counseling in order to heal from your abuse.
     
  13. Sparagmos

    Sparagmos Well-Known Member

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    The fact that you are technically still married does not mean that you are keeping your marriage vows. You essentially divorced her when you tried to kill her, and if you are being neglectful and/or emotionally abusive, you are breaking your marriage vows.
     
  14. christine40

    christine40 Well-Known Member

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    @Neostarwcc
    know that you're on disability & wondering if you're allowed to work part-time

    I know two people on disability and they ARE allowed to work part-time up to a certain amt of hours

    if you're allowed, both of you could start working part-time & both of you clean up the house

    you're only in your 30's, get moving, get off the computer, take wife to church, get out of the house, work pt if allowed

    once you both become active, you each will become more interesting to each other

    staying at home all day on devices is no way to live
    it's got to be boring as can be
    please get out of the house & live while you are both young
     
  15. dqhall

    dqhall Well-Known Member Supporter

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    I am not married or in a relationship, but read your words that seemed angry and frustrated. Jesus warned against anger and violence. It seems to me if your place is not clean and you hate dirt, you should clean it. I vacuum my place once a week. Cleaned the toilets and scrubbed the floors too. I washed my windows after a few months. You and your wife might afford more by sharing a place than living separately alone. Be nice to her like you would want her to be nice to you.
     
  16. Neostarwcc

    Neostarwcc Eternal life is a free gift. Amen. Supporter

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    Exactly! That's what I told Jeanette yesterday morning. I told her that when she brings up what I did in the past It hurts me because I'm trying to forget about it and move on with the rest of my life. We should be forgetting about the past like God forgets about our sins. He still remembers them, they just don't come to mind and aren't held against us. I guess I think that both of us should be more like God. After all God kind of tells us to live that way.

    Anyway I'm looking up your article now and we will be reading it. I'll let you know what we think after we read it. Thanks for the help!
     
  17. Aussie Pete

    Aussie Pete Well-Known Member Supporter

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    You are welcome. Lord Jesus came to set captives free. Christians should be a shining light of how to live in peace, joy and love. Too often we are little different from the world. What we need most of all is to live in the new life that Jesus is within us. It's not that He gives us a better set of rules to follow. He is the motivator and enabler within - if we will let Him. My regular prayer is for Lord Jesus to live out His life in me, through me and in place of what was there before. It's real simple. The Word of God tells us that it is no longer "I" that lives. Rather it is Christ that lives in us. It is not automatic. We have to choose.
     
  18. Neostarwcc

    Neostarwcc Eternal life is a free gift. Amen. Supporter

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    Yes I'm allowed to work. When I'm in this one particular program I can work without the government garnishing my wages as well. I forget the name of the program but It was called ticket to work I believe or something like that. I do not work for several reasons. But most of them are excuses when you examine them. If I lose 150-200 pounds I perfectly am capable of working. But right now I couldn't handle a physically demanding job when I can barely walk for 2 minutes without getting exhausted. I've taken such little care of myself over the years that I can barely even stand up for longer than a minute anymore. I haven't really exercised almost my whole life. Lately over the course of the last 2 weeks though we've been walking almost every day. I'm starting to get farther and farther each time so over the course of the next year or so maybe I'll be physically fit enough to be able to hold a job.

    As for my wife she brought up working several times because quite frankly, we could use the money. We are in pretty large debt at the moment (My fault) and we owe my mother almost $10,000. Back when we were dating she worked for a few months at a local grocery store. She quit because of complicated reasons that I'd rather not get into here. But, she's willing to try again if I am willing. I mean she lives comfortably now because I support her financially and have been since we've been dating. So she's been getting a free ride. Back when she did work she complained that a majority of her check went towards helping me with rent and food and she wanted to save up for college. But I was like "You're working so I want you to help me financially for once." I should have made her keep that job though.

    Anyway she can work as well the government doesn't stop her they just will take a majority of her check away now that we're married and I'm on disability. Like say she works minimum wage and makes $400 a week (I believe that's minimum wage now? I haven't really worked since I was 16. I might be shooting high in my example) they would let us keep about $150 of that. She says she's still willing to do it so maybe she should work and we could spend some time apart. I'm actually looking forward to her being gone for a week in Ohio so that I can have some time alone. And she's looking forward to it so she can spend some time with her family who she hasn't talked to in over 4 years.

    As for cleaning and spending a lot less time on video games and the computer we discussed this about an hour and a half ago actually. I told her about how fed up I was with the way we live and how disgusting our house is and how we both claim to be Christians who love God yet our actions do not show it 99.9% of the time. So we both agreed that this should change and have set plans in motion to change it. I told her to start with doing the dishes everyday since it's WAY disgusting to only do dishes like 1-2 times a week. 6.5 days out of the week there's always a sink full of dishes and dishes are scattered literally all over our apartment. I'm partly to blame because I had a habit of leaving my dishes laying around much to my Dad's disapproval back when I lived with him and my mom. She's doing the dishes right now so she's so far keeping her promise. I mean yes the house is disgusting and needs to be tended to but I don't want to overwhelm her and cause her to give up. So I think starting small and working our way up is the best way to start. Eventually it just will become a daily habit and people will want to visit us again.
     
  19. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

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    In order for her to stop bringing up things from the past, you have to change your patterns so they are not happening in the present. Otherwise, to her, it will feel like any apologies for your past are worthless since the behavior is ongoing.

    It is your responsibility to keep her safe from you. It is your responsibility to hustle after your healthcare and faithfully take all medications. It is not her responsibility to have to worry about your illness. Caretaking after someone to the extent they can caretake after themselves makes you feel like you are taking care of a child, so a romantic, in-love relationship will not bloom.


    You're right. It is not the case. Your post is full of disrespect towards her and showing you impose selfish demands upon her.


    Just. Stop. Cussing. It bothers her. You don't need excuses, you just need to stop. "Trying" or "battling" are code words for not bothering to stop. You can stop today. Do so.


    Based on your posts here, I believe her. Being rude and arrogant towards your wife will not foster a relationship where you are in love with each other. When she tells you things you need to take them seriously and correct them. Don't continue in these behaviors expecting her to continue putting up with them. When she leaves you for being rude and arrogant you'll cry yourself a river wishing you could take it all back, so stop being rude and arrogant now.

    Your post bears a lot of evidence that you make selfish demands upon her to facillitate your convenience. Why, for example, are you yelling at her that YOU live in a pigpen? Why can't you wash the sheets or do the laundry? Don't you sleep in the sheets? Isn't some of that laundry yours? Since you are not working you have plenty of time to make sure you are not living in a pigpen. Blaming her is inappropriate. The person who wants a task done the most needs to do it themselves instead of demand others do it for them.

    Getting married is promising each other mutual, extraordinary care. You have fallen far short of providing this type of care for her. If you don't want her to be driven to divorce you, you need to step up to provide this extraordinary care for her immediately. If I were you, I'd start showing extraordinary care for her TODAY and hope that she will eventually enjoy the present so much that she forgets about the past.

    If you stop being rude, arrogant and cease your selfish demands she will likely treat you much better. Also, you need to stay on top of your illness to ensure that any impact to her is as minimal as humanly possible.

    Well for one thing, you tried to kill her. For another you are rude, arrogant and demanding.

    I would argue that you have not kept your promise. Wasn't love and cherish included in your vows somewhere?

    This is a tell tale sign that your behavior hasn't changed enough for it to feel different now. You need to stop being rude, arrogant and demanding.

    See comment above. The behavior needs to change in order for her to be able to move on.

    Honestly, it sounds like you do nothing for yourself either, and seem to expect that she will do everything for you. Why can't you cook, clean or do dishes?

    How does this waste your life away? Don't you have free agency to do what you want to do during the day? Why are you blaming her for you wasting your own life away?

    Then live for God in a way that attracts her to want to live that way too. Set the example. Why are you not living for God? Why does your living for God depend upon her wanting to join you?

    This is extremely disrespectful to your wife. Further, if you have anger outbursts at her you need to stop having those TODAY. Anger outbursts are a choice. Anger kills love. A marriage can survive an affair better than it can survive anger. Having displays of infuriation at your wife is abusing her and will kill her love for you. Anger outbursts make you not to be a safe husband for her.

    So clean it yourself! It is extremely arrogant and rude of you to demand this of her when you will not do it yourself.

    Demanding that your wife be subordinate to you and to "respect" you is a surefire way to make her hate you and want a divorce all the more. You really have the word "respect" wrong, anyway. The Bible says that the wife is to "reverence" her husband (after it says the husband is to treat her lovingly)". Reverence is a feeling. Feeling cannot be commanded or demanded but must be earned. Respect is an action that can be policed, coerced and demanded. Policing, coercing and demanding is not the way our Savior relates to us. Marriage is a type of our unity with Christ. Therefore, the husband should be drawing, loving and convincing (which will inspire the feeling of reverence from the wife) rather than policing, coercing and demanding "respect".

    Well, your problem is that you are being rude, arrogant and demanding now. Her health won't survive in that type of a relationship all of the way until then.

    I do too. I'd like her to see that she should not accept the behavior you've described from her husband.

    "Should"really has no place in a marriage. She is a competent adult and knows what her 'shoulds' are for herself. It is a word that is verboten in my marriage, by both of our agreements. We don't try to educate or sermonize each other. We are very much in love with each other.

    Diagnosing your spouse is extremely disrespectful. You are not a doctor and have no business getting into this type of commentary about your wife. Further, among women the most common cause of depression is a bad marriage. Once you change your behaviors you'll be amazed at how different your life will be, and how different she will respond to you.

    Yes, because you tried to kill her.

    It's quite astonishing that you are blaming your wife for your poor behaviors. I fear this marriage may not be safe for her.

    Men tend to get depressed when they do not feel useful and productive. You should look for a job ASAP and work as much as you can.

    This is great progress. Keep this up but get a job ASAP while you continue to make improvements. I know a young lady who is between 400 and 500 pounds who studied for a wastewater treatment certificate and works at wastewater treatment plants. She is on her feet quite a bit of the day - an absolute determined young woman who is an inspiration to me. When life knocks her down she keeps getting up and doing for herself. You need to inspire yourself to just get going.




    Sir, this is just awful to read. She's willing to work although you are not working right now, in spite of your slothfulness. You seem to feel entitled to make financial decisions with money she earns. You should be very grateful that she is willing to try working again, even with so much of her wages being garnished because of your condition.

    I highly recommend you spend that time cleaning up your "pigpen" from top to bottom and present her with a refreshingly clean home upon her return.


    No sir, you are ENTIRELY to blame because you are using dishes and are not doing them.

    Neo, start working YOUR way up to cleaning up the house. It is very troubling that you are entitled to have her clean up this filthy pigsty of a place that was created by well over a year of your failure to clean anything or even launder your sheets as well.

    I'd look forward to your thoughts on these points. Changing in the ways I've described above is not optional if you desire to stay married to your wife.
     
  20. Neostarwcc

    Neostarwcc Eternal life is a free gift. Amen. Supporter

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    Thanks for the post! We talked in great length this morning and seemed to have come to a resolution. I mostly told her how I felt and how I felt unappreciated and unloved. We're continuing to push forward li Kim ecalways. She vowed not to bring up the past anymore because she loves me. And mostlynits been I bringing it up lately anyway.
     
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