Standoffish new people in church

[MacFall]

There's a lady about my age who started attending my church's services a few weeks ago. I've been meaning to introduce myself but she scoots off as soon as the service ends. She has come every week for a couple of months, though, so it seems like she must like the service, but not the community. (If I could only pick one, I'd go with community, myself.) I'm trying to figure out how I might get her to stick around and get to know people. Not trying to ask her out or anything; just general friendly engagement.

Anybody else run into something like this? How did you handle it?

 

[ks777]

She just might not be very social, I don't hate my community but I'm always the first one out the door as soon as it's over lol.

 

[K9_Trainer]

She just might not be very social, I don't hate my community but I'm always the first one out the door as soon as it's over lol.

This is kind of what I was thinking too. Even people who want to be social but are shy/timid usually linger a bit in hopes that somebody will speak to them first. She may also have something else to do on Sundays that prevents her from staying much longer.

Anyway, if you can find the chance to say hi and welcome her and introduce yourself, by all means do so. But I wouldn't worry too much. If she wanted to get to know people, she probably would.

 

[PetLuv]

That could be me to some degree.

I actually go because I like the community but I am just not good at making friends. I will chit-chat with people but I don't know how to integrate myself into a group.
Maybe just say hi, ask her if she is new to the area; ect and invite her into small group settings(me and such and such are doing this) that will help her get in without leaving it up to her.

At least this sort of thing helps me. The more I get to know people signally the easier it is to deal with a larger group.

 

[Blank123]

Sounds like me, honestly. I don't really know many people at my church and its awkward to stand around afterwards when everyone forms their little groups for visiting after the service, and I'm just not outgoing enough to walk up to one of those groups and inject myself into some random group conversation. So if I don't have any commitment to keep me late, I leave.

Best way to connect? I assume there's a break somewhere in the middle of the service to shake hands or some time before the service where you could go over and say hi and make a little small talk. Take advantage of that.

 

[Rose of Eden]

There's a lady about my age who started attending my church's services a few weeks ago. I've been meaning to introduce myself but she scoots off as soon as the service ends. She has come every week for a couple of months, though, so it seems like she must like the service, but not the community. (If I could only pick one, I'd go with community, myself.) I'm trying to figure out how I might get her to stick around and get to know people. Not trying to ask her out or anything; just general friendly engagement.

Anybody else run into something like this? How did you handle it?

Don't assume so quickly that she doesn't like the community or that she's not very social. Like others have said, she might simply be very shy, reserved, or insecure. Give her the benefit of the doubt. Try going up to her and introducing yourself to her before the service, or during the greeting time, or afterwards before she leaves. But don't just introduce yourself, start a conversation. Invite her personally to some upcoming church activity. Make her feel comfortable and included. Maybe that will do the trick.

I can sometimes act that way myself. And I know that with me, it's simply because I'm reserved and insecure. I feel so ridiculously awkward and I feel like no one would want to talk to me anyway, so I just rush out.

 

[Elliewaves]

Yeah, she probably hates everyone.
Just kidding! There could be lots of reasons why she does this and none of them have anything to do with her being stand offish. Maybe she had a bad experience with church and it takes all of her courage to come back and attend. Maybe she's really really shy. Maybe she is a caretaker of someone and has to get back to them. Maybe she has to work right after church. Maybe she's a germaphobe. Be decent and greet her during greeting time; if your church has that. Or sit near her /next to her and speak to her immediately after the service. I think people already in the church do have a responsibility to be welcoming; it's very hard for some to come into a group where they don't know anyone and start shaking hands and integrating themselves. My experience has always been to not assume anything about new comers and to help welcome them sincerely; not "oh you would be great for this group; let me pass you on to them and never speak with you again" but to to take a sincere interest in who they are and how they are doing.

 

[Adaephon]

There's a lady about my age who started attending my church's services a few weeks ago. I've been meaning to introduce myself but she scoots off as soon as the service ends. She has come every week for a couple of months, though, so it seems like she must like the service, but not the community. (If I could only pick one, I'd go with community, myself.) I'm trying to figure out how I might get her to stick around and get to know people. Not trying to ask her out or anything; just general friendly engagement.

Anybody else run into something like this? How did you handle it?

She might have to rush to get to work on time or something. There's countless innocent things that would prevent someone from lingering at coffee hour

 

[Miss Spaulding]

There's a lady about my age who started attending my church's services a few weeks ago. I've been meaning to introduce myself but she scoots off as soon as the service ends. She has come every week for a couple of months, though, so it seems like she must like the service, but not the community. (If I could only pick one, I'd go with community, myself.) I'm trying to figure out how I might get her to stick around and get to know people. Not trying to ask her out or anything; just general friendly engagement.

Anybody else run into something like this? How did you handle it?

Why are you talking about me?






Seriously though. You described me. ...You know, she just might not be sociable, which does not mean she's unfriendly. Not everyone is a social bug. She's probably the type who waits for the other person to make the first move, so next chance you get, just go on up and talk to her. Worst case scenario is she won't be interested. Big deal.

 

[r035198x]

Ya if she is coming frequently then you can say hi for three meetings in a row and see if a conversation starts at either of them.
Just don't go say "Hi, I'm Mac, an anarchist who hates ice cream and broke my leg once" at the first meeting; she sounds like someone who would get overwhelmed by too much at once.

 

[redblue22]

That is so nice of you! And I so wish someone would just come up and be like "Hi, I'm Mac, I'm an anarchist who hates ice cream and broke my leg once." I mean, I so feel for your situation, but it is always completely reversed. You see, I'm usually completely new to a church and I go there and I hang around forever and it is everyone else who runs for their cars and is all stand-offish and seems to hate their community.

 

[gracegreciagracet]

You can pray to the Holy Spirit to help you.

"But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you." (John 14:26 KJV)

 

[Catherineanne]

There's a lady about my age who started attending my church's services a few weeks ago. I've been meaning to introduce myself but she scoots off as soon as the service ends. She has come every week for a couple of months, though, so it seems like she must like the service, but not the community. (If I could only pick one, I'd go with community, myself.) I'm trying to figure out how I might get her to stick around and get to know people. Not trying to ask her out or anything; just general friendly engagement.

Anybody else run into something like this? How did you handle it?

Smile when you see her, but otherwise leave her alone.

Whatever her reason, she is entitled to leave immediately if she wants to. It may be that she wants to focus on God, and not get involved at this moment with anything else. Churches can be very cliquey, and very political. It may be that she has had bad experiences in the past, and just wants to meet God this time round. It is not that she is being unfriendly, but perhaps more that she is putting God first, and having done that, nothing else is necessary to her at this point.

So, I would say, leave her alone, but also don't make her the object of gossip or comment. That would not help anyone.

 

[Calvinator]

There's a lady about my age who started attending my church's services a few weeks ago. I've been meaning to introduce myself but she scoots off as soon as the service ends. She has come every week for a couple of months, though, so it seems like she must like the service, but not the community. (If I could only pick one, I'd go with community, myself.) I'm trying to figure out how I might get her to stick around and get to know people. Not trying to ask her out or anything; just general friendly engagement.

Anybody else run into something like this? How did you handle it?

By not assuming anything and letting the person exercise their free agency to do as they please. She could have all kinds of reasons for not sticking around, and at a guess, I'm more likely to think that it's not the community per se, or at least, not yet. It's possible she's testing the waters to see if she wants to engage in the community by getting to know the teachings of the church you go to. It could be she has a work commitment, kids, any number of things.

My advice would be to give up trying to get her to stay. A blunder here and she may never come back.

 

[StarBright]

Tons of people are like this. They're usually either shy or they just want to fill their spiritual "quota" for the week by sitting in a church seat and then getting out the door ASAP. Hopefully, she's the first kind.

Why not sit near her (change seats after she comes in if you need to, she probably won't notice) and then take a moment to say hello and introduce yourself during the service. Most churches have a "say hello to someone around you" time - does yours? If not, as soon as the service is over, before she leaps up, walk over and introduce yourself.

Might be kinda hard to pin this woman down. Time to get creative!

 

[Amber.ly]

I am one of the first people out the door at the end of church. It's not because I'm anti-social, shy, insecure, hate chitchat or busy.

On Sundays, I go straight to a home cooked meal (that I didn't have to make) and coffee.

I would suggest trying to sit near her when you get a chance and introduce yourself at some point during the service. If she is responsive, let her know that if she wants the 411 on the community aspect of your church, you can fill her in.

 

[StarBright]

My last church had some wonderfully warm, loving people, but it had grown so large that right after the service, the place was like a mob of people moving around, and there was very little chance to talk to anyone. I used to leave right after the service simply because the atmosphere just didn't feel conducive to socializing, it was more like a very noisy mass exodus lol.

I've been in my current church for several months, it's a new plant, so it's very small (maybe 30-50 people), and the people there are extremely friendly and embracing, so it's been very easy to make friendly acquaintances and get plugged in. After the service, there's no rush of hundreds of yammering people, it's just a few friendly, familiar faces milling around, so it's easy to stop and find someone to talk to. I am not a naturally social person, so it's very telling that I feel comfortable around these people that I've only known a short time. It also helps that these people are very outward-reaching with their love, they don't just say hello to you and forget you, they come back and learn your name, ask about your family, ask if they can pray for you, invite you to Bible study. It's like, they're GOING to love you, and that's that lol. And I love that kind of atmosphere. They're not pushy or invasive, they're just genuinely warm and caring. Awesome sauce. I wish I could invite all of CF to my church lol.

 

[jaapottery]

We had a new couple come to church this past Sunday. I watched at least 5 people go over and talk to them, and I did too. I also invited them out to lunch after service, but she said she had to go to work. So I told them that we hoped they would come again. Sometimes people are just shy, so you have to invite them to something a little less threatening. It can be over whelming with a large group you don't know, maybe one on one would be better at first.

 

[MacFall]

Ya if she is coming frequently then you can say hi for three meetings in a row and see if a conversation starts at either of them.
Just don't go say "Hi, I'm Mac, an anarchist who hates ice cream and broke my leg once" at the first meeting; she sounds like someone who would get overwhelmed by too much at once.

You had to tell me AFTER I got all that tattooed across my forehead.

 

[wannaberocker]

Im like that at church or i use to be before i knew the people. Most people wont stand around if they dont know the people.