Single and lonely.

[DragonFox91]

I don't think older generations understand the problem. I don't think anyone foresaw the problem.
There definitely is a problem.

My friend Justin who is married and meet his wife at an life group at the same church says I have tunnel vision when it comes to woman and I should focus on improving myself and my relationship with God.

I don't think it's tunnel vision. I have the same problems.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I don't think it's tunnel vision. I have the same problems.

That's what I said to him. But he has a spouse, so he's biased. They just aren't out there, single woman.

 

[peaceful-forest]

That's what I said to him. But he has a spouse, so he's biased. They just aren't out there, single woman.

How old is this friend of yours and when did he get married?

 

[peaceful-forest]

I don't think older generations understand the problem. I don't think anyone foresaw the problem.
There definitely is a problem.

I don't think it's tunnel vision. I have the same problems.

There's definitely a different between the generations. Finding someone back then in a church was easy since a lot of people identified as Christian (whether they were or not) and they usually got married at an early age.

 

[LoveDivine]

The pandemic also made meeting new people much more difficult. I think you have to factor that in to the equation here. A lot of people have been isolated for a few years. It definitely has affected dating. Everything in society has moved more and more towards an online/virtual format. You can't get around that. I think a a single person who wants to meet someone pretty much has to be willing to put aside dislikes/reservations about online dating. You probably are not going to have a good chance of success trying to bump into available singles in your daily life. It's crazy to say there aren't any single women, lol. There are. There just may not be a single woman at your church, Bible study, small group, workplace, etc. Also, the single women who are also looking for a guy (not all single women are) are also going to be proactive and trying to meet single guys. So, most likely they are trying online dating or other ways of putting themselves out there. It makes sense to set yourself up for success: target women you know are definitely single (the ones with dating profiles). Different generations had different opportunities for meeting singles. At one time, the way you met a potential was at a ball. It's changed a lot since then, lol. You have to be willing to push yourself and go with the trend. Most people are trying online dating.

 

[pen_and_poetry]

Yes, single women are everywhere, but single and attached women don't really look any different. I guess we could all wear tattoos on our faces a la the Ainu peoples to indicate marriage guys: seriously stop saying there are no single women in their 30s lol.

I think online dating is a good tool but just a warning that it's too easy to expect sparks/fireworks with a stranger--that is unrealistic. It's forcing friendship and romance at the same time, so stay grounded and don't write someone off immediately if they don't have any obvious red flags. Personally, I need a little while to warm up to someone new, and that might take just an initial meeting first.

I do think that it's harder and harder to match up with people as our society has become more splintered in terms of values. A lot of good-looking men on apps are atheists and/or progressively liberal. If our society were all on the same page even at least religiously, there would be a lot more options for everyone.

 

[mojoboy31]

To the guys who think there just aren't any single women. They are not going to come to you-- hard as it may be-- if you find yourself where there are no single women-- you must step out of your comfort zone, and go where they are.

We can often get too focused on ourselves, and it's human nature to want things "on our terms" but if we want to be successful, we have to break out of that.

 

[LoveDivine]

Yes, single women are everywhere, but single and attached women don't really look any different. I guess we could all wear tattoos on our faces a la the Ainu peoples to indicate marriage guys: seriously stop saying there are no single women in their 30s lol.

It makes me laugh. There are several posters right here in Singles that are 30 year old females.

 

[peaceful-forest]

Yes, single women are everywhere, but single and attached women don't really look any different. I guess we could all wear tattoos on our faces a la the Ainu peoples to indicate marriage guys: seriously stop saying there are no single women in their 30s lol.

My interpretation of when men say there's so single women in their 30s, they're referencing offline experience.

Speaking of tattoos to indicate marriage, I think it would be interesting if society had a dot system (or something) to indicate relationship status. It would sure help single people meet someone that's looking for someone too.

 

[pen_and_poetry]

My interpretation of when men say there's so single women in their 30s, they're referencing offline experience.

Oh, I agree with you there. Obviously, OLD eliminates that problem on paper. But the human brain also focuses on the negative and downplays the positive. And of course, it's an intersection of both "30s" and "attractive". On the flip side, I refuse to believe that every man in his 30s that I run across is attached--sure, the odds are that he is, but it's a matter of perspective.

I only support a dot/tattoo system if those are removable

 

[Tony Ramirez]

- you must step out of your comfort zone, and go where they are.

Go where really I tried everywhere and I went outside my comfort zone everytime.
First Church, nope just couples
Second the park, nope just couples and women with boyfriends
Third groups, again couples and women with boyfriends.
Forth Yoga where women outrule the men again mostly married woman or women with boyfriends.

So what the heck is left that's not in my comfort zone. What a woman's prison.

 

[pen_and_poetry]

Dude, the best advice is live your life being the best Tony Ramirez you can be. Life, time passes anyway. Be present and don't look back on five years and see all the wasted time because you thought about all the things you don't have. Take it from me!

And I dunno, I see/meet guys at coffee shops but I'm also extroverted and like being out in the world.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I listen to this when I feel lonely.

 

[mojoboy31]

Go where really I tried everywhere and I went outside my comfort zone everytime.
First Church, nope just couples
Second the park, nope just couples and women with boyfriends
Third groups, again couples and women with boyfriends.
Forth Yoga where women outrule the men again mostly married woman or women with boyfriends.

So what the heck is left that's not in my comfort zone. What a woman's prison.

Pick up a new hobby, learn ballroom dancing, take a cooking class, music class, etc-- something that is at least partially social where you can make friends. Church groups and things aren't always the best options.

 

[Lost Witness]

just hang out at a bookstore or a coffee shop,
Some people still prefer hardcover books over ebooks

 

[LoveDivine]

Dude, the best advice is live your life being the best Tony Ramirez you can be. Life, time passes anyway. Be present and don't look back on five years and see all the wasted time because you thought about all the things you don't have. Take it from me!

And I dunno, I see/meet guys at coffee shops but I'm also extroverted and like being out in the world.

I agree. Personally, I would find it stressful and overwhelming to always be trying to do things to meet a guy. There are so many things you can enjoy in life for their own sake. You end up enjoying nothing if the end goal of these activities is to meet a romantic partner. Everything becomes a disappointment. I've developed so many hobbies and interests that I truly enjoy and I don't focus on being single. It's just a state of being and not what defines a person. Plus, when you are content and enjoying your life others find that attractive.

 

[Citanul]

To the guys who think there just aren't any single women. They are not going to come to you-- hard as it may be-- if you find yourself where there are no single women-- you must step out of your comfort zone, and go where they are.

And the same thing goes the other way round. This thread has about men complaining that there are no single women, but elsewhere you'll find women complaining about there being no single men.

The human gender split is roughly 50/50, which means that mathematically there must be matching numbers of single men and women out there. Granted, finding the ones who match your criteria may not be all that easy, but it's definitely not true to make the blanket unqualified statement that there are simply aren't any.

 

[mojoboy31]

And the same thing goes the other way round. This thread has about men complaining that there are no single women, but elsewhere you'll find women complaining about there being no single men.

The human gender split is roughly 50/50, which means that mathematically there must be matching numbers of single men and women out there. Granted, finding the ones who match your criteria may not be all that easy, but it's definitely not true to make the blanket unqualified statement that there are simply aren't any.

Good point.

 

[Citanul]

I agree. Personally, I would find it stressful and overwhelming to always be trying to do things to meet a guy. There are so many things you can enjoy in life for their own sake. You end up enjoying nothing if the end goal of these activities is to meet a romantic partner. Everything becomes a disappointment. I've developed so many hobbies and interests that I truly enjoy and I don't focus on being single. It's just a state of being and not what defines a person. Plus, when you are content and enjoying your life others find that attractive.

Absolutely. It's definitely possible to get too wrapped up in trying to find a partner. Yes, we all want that person in our lives, but other people are complicated and their actions are out of our control.

So while it may be difficult, I believe that what's necessary is a shift of mindset to define success in your life in terms of things that you can control. What that success looks like will be different for everybody, but it could be things like running a marathon, learning to play an instrument, buying your own house, landing your dream job, travelling somewhere you've always wanted to go, etc. The possibilities are endless, and switching your focus to those things is going to improve your outlook on life no end.

That doesn't mean that you can't still be disappointed about not finding anyone, and I still do at times when what seemed like a promising connection doesn't work out, or it's been a long time between those connections. But putting your energy into other things means that you're not going to be wallowing in despair the whole time, which can only be a benefit.

 

[RileyG]

I do not drive, so outside of work and Church, I do not leave the house much.